Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 24 ~ When Resolve "Thins"

Scale was up .6 lbs this morning... I weighed about 2 hours before my "usual" time in the morning.

I couldn't sleep when I went to bed at 10:10 pm last night, tossed around for an hour, felt a headache and was hungry... got up at 11:15pm and grabbed 1 bite of white breast chicken and a cheese wedge, took some Tylenol PM, surfed the 'net until I felt sleepy, then went back to bed. LOTS to do today, and upset with myself that my morning routine won't be what I want it to be because I didn't do a number of things on my list yesterday afternoon.

I DID, however, take the dog on a 15 minute walk yesterday evening as the sun was setting.
(posted at 6:14 am)

2:46 pm
Feeling better! Still tired... but my oatmeal was tasty; I got my work done at work and the Newsletter will go out on time, I planned ahead for shopping after work and had a Chocolate Pudding Shake with me, did my protein and veggie shopping at TJ's, and went to Big Lots for a couple things I needed - and got a few things I didn't (!)... just ate my Chili with a large clove of garlic put in after I heated it up; as I seem to be developing a cough. Took an extra B vitamin supplement and Echinacea this morning.

Outside of Trader Joe's there was a guy playing the violin... he wasn't directly in front, but off to the side on the other side of the cart storage area.  I smiled at him when I went in, and when I came out he was still there. I checked my wallet and had two $1 bills, so after taking my groceries to the car I made the extra trip back (taking a cart with me) and tossed them into his violin case.  He seemed genuinely surprised, and just after me another guy seemed to be coming over to give him some money too. He was very thankful, and after I walked away and turned the corner I started to cry... and it wasn't just quiet tears... it was the kind of forceful storm that takes your breath away... I got into the car and let it out -- sunglasses on, blowing my nose... and wondering where in the H*ll that came from?!?

I started driving home, still wondering what is going on -- and as I was turning into my street, the flood of emotion came over me again -- and more tears... and I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling that is causing it... it could be so many things (I think it is close to Girl Week - my new favorite phrase to describe this particularly feminine ordeal)... the fact that he wasn't wandering from car to car asking for spare change, but he was contributing beauty to an otherwise normal day, and looking for kindness from strangers...?

I'm really close to the surface with a lot of stuff right now -- and while it is totally exciting and I look forward to each new thing I'm learning, it is still overwhelming -- and I deal with overwhelming by just having a cry. 

I remember my mom talking about how much she enjoyed the Albert Brooks movie "Broadcast News" with Holly Hunter and William Hurt (1987) and I watched it, and remember not understanding the scene where Holly Hunter sits on her bed, seemingly fine, then starts crying.... an article online at Time Magazine describes it perfectly...

...Then she unplugs the phone, sits on her bed and has a good cry: heaving shoulders, racking sobs, a face contorted into a bruised fist, a doll in tears because no one will buy her. Is this person in control? Perfectly. There is no wasted motion or emotion in this petite dynamo. Jane has simply, in the words of the actress who portrays her, "penciled in times to cry."
Now, I understand. Totally and Completely. Not that I've scheduled times to cry -- I'm not that organized (if only...!) but that release of letting the tears out is such a relief! 
Therapist thinks I deny a lot of emotion, mainly anger... which isn't what I'm thinking about right now for this post (hmmmm....), and I don't think I was angry at the Violin Busker at Trader Joe's.  I don't think it was anger this time... I think I'm still processing how much life is changing quite quickly in the weight loss arena.  The scale showed I was slightly up this morning (as mentioned already above), so I know I'm now really just starting the hardest part of the journey... and really, Carrie, STOP weighing every day.  Every three days should be a good enough monitor!

And I am on the tired side.


Diana Lynn said...

The weighing every day thing is obsessive. I should know. I'm doing it too. My personality is obsessive...hence, 150+ too much weight on my body. I think when you're a very heavy person and you start to lose a little, you need to be sure it doesn't stop, so you want to see the scale move...every day...down ! And early on, that pretty much happens.
Then, it doesn't.
Or moves..UP !
Just keep on keeping on. If we do the right things, we will get the right results...even if we NEVER weigh again.
I take comfort in that. And I am now ( after 4 full weeks on MF ) starting to weigh in just once a week. I have confidence that this is going to work and I will not obsessively second guess myself. Or have a down day because it went up one day ( that's just how I roll :-)
After I lose it all, I will, once again, start to weigh daily because I am sure that will be the only way to keep me honest. But for now, I know that the scale is NOT my only measure of success and that the non scale victories are important too :-)

Desert Singer said...

So very very true!! Clothes fitting looser, feeling *good* -- a positive mental attitude about doing the plan and not 'checking in' at the scale obsessively... thank you Diana Lynn!