Monday, December 31, 2012

Oh Yeah - on the Sad News Front

The Quartet Broke Up.

It sucks in many ways, ways and emotions that I haven't even fully recognized or processed yet.  Being in a good quartet is instrumental in my goals within this hobby, er..., obsession, uhhh...., WOL (Way Of Life) I adore called Barbershop.

When I can be more coherent perhaps I'll share some of those ways and emotions... but until then, I'm just really sad.

Life is just restarting... a constant turn over

‘All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.’~ Anatole France

Changing my mind. Simple, not easy.

I don't like to exercise. I don't like getting up early. And yet I've been trying so hard to incorporate these changes in my life because I know how important being healthy is... and how much easier my life was 30 lbs ago (!) My knees hurt. My back is killing me right now.  And while I'm still down more weight than I've gained back... it won't be for long if I keep heading down this destructive path.

I want to Change My Mind about how I Feel about those things. Or Better... take the Feelings out of the equation.

Letting go of anything makes me sad...  and... there is much fear in me... fearing whatever it means for me to let go.
(ask yourself, "what is the worst thing that could happen? Is the worst thing something you can life with?")
The answer is "Nothing Tragic!"

If I don't get the music on my mini-disc player onto itunes, the worst thing that will happen is
I won't hear some favorite songs. Ever again. John McGrath, namely.
Yes, and....? 
And then I'll be sad for awhile, but life will go on, and the mourning will end.
Yes, and....?
Maybe I just need to get that recording on itunes, not all 20+ mini discs...

If I get rid of the hundreds of rubber stamps and stamping supplies?
I will have wasted hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars.
Yes, and.....? 
And I'll beat myself up in my head forever, cuz that is what I do.
Yes, and....? 
God forgives you, and who in the hell do you think you are that you can't forgive what God can and does?

I'll survive. Why (oh why?!) does it feel like I'm ripping myself out of myself?
* * *

Things I value.

Healthy Eating & Fitness (and learning more)

Singing & Performing (and learning more)

Anything else is a distraction from these two things.
* * *

The thought of letting go is terrifying. The thought of how much money I've spent on things I don't use, don't read, don't spend time on... puts me in dark, sad places of despair in my mind... Regret, Guilt... you know, all those really helpful and productive feelings (!ha!).

And the Merry-Go-Round that is my mind continues on. I've had a-ha moments... I've had days of feeling ready and strong... Found amazing quotes that inspire me... but the secret ingredient dies out so quickly.  That is where the discipline comes in. Right? I so lack certain kinds of discipline... especially when it comes to routine and doing something when I don't "Feel" like doing it.

Set the timer. 
"Put on your big girl pants and do it."

Bring it on, 2013. I'll survive, and Lord Willing, will Thrive.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Just Keep Trying


So much of life is distraction.

beware of jumbled thoughts ahead:

I'm beginning to see why people who I would call "Inflexible" are that way.

It is easier to be all-or-nothing than sometimes-this-sometimes-that.

So many thoughts, but it is late, and rambling after midnight usually doesn't end well.

The new year is coming... I didn't do so hot on my 6 changes for 2012.

I'll keep on keepin' on, however.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Gym! and other Random Thoughts

I went to the gym yesterday.... YAY ME!

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical (my favorite thing) and while I could have probably lasted longer, I didn't want to kill myself.  I've lost a lot of fitness since I stopped walking in June.

I did almost all the weight machines -- spent time looking at the 'how to' instructions on each machine... how to adjust the seats, where the little yellow 'adjust here' levers are, etc.  I did 8 - 10 reps of everything except the leg push (my favorite thing) - I did 3 reps of 10.  I spent about 10 minutes stretching on the floor (which was awkward... will have to find a better place to do that), and then spent 10 minutes on the recumbent bicycle.  My knees kept bumping into the handle bars -- which tells me I'm too big at the moment to ride them correctly. They're not long enough... but I don't like regular bikes... so the elliptical it is!

I also did the 10 minute hydro-therapy massage -- which is a nice way to end the session.

I am sore today, but not in excruciating have-to-groan-everytime-I-move pain... so I think I did well.

My knee is sore, so I don't want to go back yet - maybe will take a walk with the dog while my Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Cheesecake Bars are baking. They sound devastatingly disastrous to my diet... but have to try them. Probably will take them to the Festivus Party I'm going to tonight.

Christmas Day will be with long time friends, and I'm to make dessert for 18. I made that much for Thanksgiving... but won't be doing the same thing -- should probably do the Pecan Pie and the Cheesecake again, however... so off to the grocery store for me.

I don't have a tree up.

I think I want the tree up.

Am so proud I got to the gym.  Now to make it 5 days out of 7.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Really... the whole month of November... lost?!

I'm in the middle of starting to reply to an awesome (inspiring) post from Live Your Legend (Scott Dinsmore), whom I discovered from Live Bold & Bloom...

To leave comments it asks for your website... I've posted at Capriccio the past couple days, but not here (yeah, who knew I had a second blog for posting not-a-lot lately... huh?!)... I always have to look up my link, so I open the blog I've posted the most often in.. this one... Walk, Breathe, Sing, Laugh & Repeat and am so embarrassed that I've said "I'm gonna do _________ [fill in the blank]...!!" so many times and nope. nothing has changed.

Why? I'm not sure... it is just one of the many things that are "To Do" and "Not Done."

I'm sitting in the middle of a paper hell --
  • Receipts that need to be filed or thrown away.
  • Music that needs to be entered into my music program (Noteworthy Composer) and then filed.
  • Christmas cards that I want to acknowledge.
  • Concert Programs that I've already scanned (thinking I could add them into itunes for 'Album Art' for a local concert I attended of which I have a music CD)... now debating on where it should go (am I going to continue scrapbooking?)
  • Insurance and Investment mail from my work.
  • Words to my sing-a-long show from the Senior Living Complex that I performed at in November (a missing sheet that probably should be thrown away or recycled).
  • sticky note pads
  • non-sticky scratch pads
  • journals... two that I can see, probably at least 3 on the desk.
  • Mail from the IRS probably related to the worker's comp stuff I have procrastinated about.
  • Yeast-free pizza crust recipes I want to try
  • Drafts of the show program I put together for the Tucson Desert Harmony Annual Show "Cool Composers & Holiday Warmth" on December 1st. Drafts. Garbage bin, anyone?
  • Receipts. Oh, I mentioned those... but seriously, there are a lot.
  • Ticket stubs
  • Chorus roster
  • Inspirational thoughts about life "Life's A Puzzle Literally." -- really cool thoughts on how we do or don't fit with others, with graphics.
And the non-paper items:
  • Digital Voice Recorder
  • Pictures
  • A magnificently cute bracelet that is adorable but doesn't fit my wrist... I know where it should go, just haven't put it there yet, thinking, 'this time I'll be different and actually DO something with it so I can wear this adorable thing!"
  • CDs that need to be named in itunes - I've uploaded them but haven't put the "Get Info" in there yet.
  • Change that needs to be put in the change jar.
  • White Out tape runner not put away.
  • Timer (not quite dusty, but certainly not used often enough)
  • Water bottle (I was going to be at the gym at 7am this morning, it is now 11:48)
  • Squishy Toy
  • Nail polish
  • a book called "This Year I Will..." by M. J. Jyan
  • another book, "ipod Fully Loaded ~ If You've Got It, You Can ipod It" by Andy Ihnatko

The funniest thing about why I've posted today... the comment I want to write regarding the awesome article on the LYL (Live Your Legend) blog is about focus, and needing it before you can do the amazing things he writes about in this fabulous article.

Really. (If you're reading between the lines... you're understanding the definition of insanity right now ... about how doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result is just crazy.)

I told myself I could buy his plan if I get to the gym today.

I'm dressed. I have my ipod synched, my water bottle filled, my gym bag packed. And the article (again from Scott...) that inspired me that 'Yes, Really!! I need to get to the gym' is the one about the one thing that these successful "Live Your Legend" types do...  they work out.

Like that is new.