Fear & Less

Fear of Loss.

Loss of Health. Loss of Family. Loss of Friends. Loss of Love. Loss of Time. Loss of Freedom. Loss of Integrity. Loss of Truth.

Fear of Inadequacy. Fear of the Truth. Fear of the Lies. Fear of Physical Pain. Fear of my government. Fear of my neighbor. Fear of the Global World we live in. Fear of Opinions. Fear of Routine. Fear of Discipline. Fear of Success. Fear of Failure. Fear of Not Doing Enough. Fear of Not Being Enough. Fear of Doing Too Much. Fear of Action. Fear of Staying the Same. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of THE METEOR de-magnetizing this amazing time we live in. Fear of Drought. Fear of Fire. Fear of GMOs. Fear of Big Business. Fear of the Ignorant (read the Haters). Fear of Disapproval.

The Joy of less | Kim Coupounas | TEDxBoulder

"What is that abundance, that joy, that your heart aches for? And what can you have less of to make room for it?" ~ Kim Coupounas

18 months almost to the day when I wrote my last post.

It still comes down to Focus. "Hacking away at the unessential" (thank you Bruce Lee).

I've met some new people, been able to get rid of a lot more craft items, but am not close to living simply. I have slowly come to realize over the last few months that I have an extremely deep Fear.

I Fear I Am Not Enough. My head knows this is garbage. And yet it is the driving force behind the majority of my daily decisions.

Perhaps I equate Less with Loss. Fear of needing the information in the book on Herbal Remedies that I just donated to the Salvation Army. Some of the fear is real, some of it is imagined, some of it comes from the Preppers (TSHTF group -  when 'the shit hits the fan' group), most of it comes through the media, and Social Media.

So what prompted me to write today, this minute, on this subject? A 25 minute conversation with my cousin - who had worked for a company himself has applied to. I had emailed my cousin to ask about his time with that company, company culture etc... and in response to my email to him, he said "I'm free now if you'd like to call me" - with his phone number.

Some background: This cousin and I love our shared family - his grandfather (Earl) loved me as a little girl because I reminded his grandfather of his daughter, Betty Kay, who is this cousin's mother, and who died much too young. His grandmother (Tess), was my paternal grandmother, Ethel's sister (my great-aunt), and they are siblings in "This Family" and this Family is special. I last saw my cousin at the funeral of great-aunt CJ, and because the cousins are spread out, we are not connected.

So I called him. And we talked longer than I thought we would - and after we talked about the company he used to work for, we agreed we miss the Lindsey Family gatherings. And we talked about how much we both love my dad. And how it blows our minds that my younger brother is 40. And we talked about his recent move, and what he does now. And I caught up on what his sisters are doing - not a lot of detail, but I know where they're living at least. And we talked about camping - and how I asked himself for a pop-up trailer and I came home to a tent in the back yard (Sooooo not a pop-up trailer - lol!). And we connected. I want more of that in my life.

Connection. I still want to have a business I can run from the internet, and travel around in a trailer and stay connected to my family and my friends. I want to be able to sing and perform with my guitar and ukulele (which I played with on the day I got it, but I think about playing it every single day, along with getting back to the guitar) and meet new people all across the country. This thrills my wandering soul. I don't know why exactly I'm not afraid of that.

But -
But - ~
But - ~ ...

What stops me? Why am I unable to stay Focused on What I Want (what I really really want ♪)?

Go back to the quote - what can I have less of to make room for it?

I feel like I'm closer to action. Today, at least.

Recently I had a conversation and I shared that I am just so tired. Tired of being anxious, tired of feeling hopeless in trying to change some of my behaviors. Tired of not accepting myself for being enough. Tired of saying at the beginning of each day, "I will not have the donuts or the bagels or the brownies or the cookies or the pita bread or the flour tortilla" and by 10am I've had the boston cream donut, and the banana cream pie, and the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites from Trader Joe's. I know my tiredness in part is because I haven't budged on the weight loss. I'm 3 lbs away from when I started Medi-Fast. That's another whole post.

We had some new friends over for Scotch Eggs and Haggis last night - and I cleaned the house. It looks so nice and smells so good. The living room is mostly clear of the random stuff that collects, that goes unnoticed because there is So. Much. Stuff. to keep track of and it has no permanent home. I love this clean feeling. And when I think about what I 'should' do to keep it up, then I'm instantly tired and hopeless. The Overwhelm of Life. Managing the Details. Negotiating throughout the day - because really, Life is All Negotiation.

No wonder the ideas of "Be More With Less" and "Tiny Houses" and "Becoming Minimalist" are so attractive and gaining momentum.

I live in my head. I collect information. I  know things, but I don't necessarily understand. And while I've been known to make fast decisions (hello, marry himself and then move out of the country in a span of less than 6 months...), this idea of living with so much less is huge change. Acting on this "Less is More" thing is scary. I have all that Fear.

Another Post I Don't Feel Inspired To Write

Checking it because it has been too long. I've had a terrible time since coming back from Prescott.
Eating bad. Stopped C25K because my hips hurt. Want simple, but can't seem to just 'toss it away' - it being all the stuff.

Taking the State Real Estate exam Monday September 8th. Passed the Hogan School test a couple weeks ago, and really, I had no business passing it... now I've had two weeks to review/study and am not doing that!

15 minutes. I can do anything for 15 minutes.

*sigh*

Hopefully there will be better thoughts and writing next time.

If Life Were Simple...

Inspired by Courtney Carver's Blogpost...

"Instead of choosing what was simple, I chose what was easy and created a complicated life." ~ Courtney Carver

I've been saying this for a long time, but the sentence above resonated with strength... What I've said has always been "It may be simple, but that doesn't mean it is easy."

I've taken the easy way out so many times. Too many unfiltered thoughts bouncing around in my head to be able to share specifics cohesively. Another day, I hope.
* * *

Today was the 2nd Day of my 3rd week of C25K.

And I was struggling. I was a day late (Tuesday instead of Monday), and my hip was sort of twinge-y, and my knee was better than two weeks ago, but still not happy.  I didn't run the last 3 minutes of the running portion - I was walking 2.5 mph.  I'm okay with that. I'm happy I got on the treadmill, and did it. Yesterday I wanted to give myself a break during Real Estate Studying... but I didn't. I think that's why my back was sore, too.  I just was really, really struggling with the whole thing today.  It wasn't easy... but it was simple.
* * *

Attachment

Father's Day, 2014
We just got back from a road trip to Oklahoma to see family there ~ and look at "The Farm" - which I'd been calling "The Property" and was corrected.  Technically, it is property (mostly pastureland) that my sister, brother and I will inherit, and at which current time there is no farming happening... so despite being told to call it 'The Farm' ~ I will continue to call it 'The Property.'

We had a great trip - road tested the new Town & Country Van (2013 Touring Edition), and took along Rascal... overnighted in Albuquerque, and spent 5 nights in Oklahoma City with my dad and step-mom, caught up with my sister and her kids, and generally had a real vacation... doing something totally different than our life here.

* * *

May was busy... new Van, quit American Red Cross, paid for Real Estate School (which begins tomorrow), emptied out the storage unit, so my room is crowded again...

* * *

I have 6 or 7 plastic bins and boxes full of pictures, negatives, journals, calendars etc... to scrapbook from the time I started collecting things about my life.  I've scrapbooked (in the traditional sense) since I knew what it was. I'm still not sure why, exactly - I would make a guess in the area of self-validation. To remember the life I've lived, and to be proud of what I've done (or not done, ha ha). To keep alive memories that may have been buried or forgotten, which I believe are worth remembering.

But my deal with myself is that if, by the end of 2014, these things are not properly scrapbooked, the bins emptied, and the journals read for the timeline and details to "tell the memory book story," then I will let it all go.

Visiting my dad's - he has bookshelves and his computer filled with pictures. Family. Genealogy-type things. It gives us a sense of where we fit in our family, I suppose...? Pride in the hard-working family stock I come from, that is for sure (and where is that in me?). Dad and I didn't have a chance to talk about his ultimate goal for the pictures... what he sees his finished (but what is really a work-in-progress project) product to look like.

I understand that I come by my love of history, family, pictures... very naturally, I see now.

The other thing I came away with from my trip was understanding something dad said about attachment.  He said something about 'being attached makes everything more difficult.' If we could detach ourselves from things (and people, even), then going through life would be much easier.

And this is all just stuff.  these bins of my life, my memories... And why do I want to spend time (precious time) putting my life into order? Who will I leave it for? I don't see anyone wanting my life's memories after I'm dead. And when I think about that, I become sad that I don't have children. Then I think about raising a child today and the political climate, the moral climate, etc... and I'm so relieved I don't have a child to protect.

And life is about now. Right? Remembering we are all connected, we are all part of the human story - regardless of any kind of religious belief or unbelief - we all share this earth, this space, this time. And I believe that building personal relationships that help each other now is more important than the past.

[Side Note: I tend to remember the negative, guilt-inducing, shameful, painful memories of my life, and the pictures/journals give me balance in restoring what delicate sense of self-esteem I have. This is a constant battle for me... keeping the good memories and the painful memories balanced... helping me stay afloat in the sea of depression that threatens to drown me, dragging me into a swirling whirlpool below the surface, where I lose the sunlight and all the colors that keep me optimistic and joyful.]

This turned out to be more post than I intended.

The bottom line: What do I want most to accomplish in this life?

Living in color * Health! * Garden (healing, eating, peaceful, life-force-giving) * Recognition for sharing the talents I've been given (Performance, Teaching) * Creativity * Relationships (spending time, giving time to people) * Building people up, assisting in bringing about Joy & Peace *

Knowing what you don't want...

... is just as important as knowing what you want, if not one of the best ways to figure out what you want... if you're like me... and want it all.

"I want it all
There’s a rise up to the heights
And then a ball
I want it all
Don’t try to tell me that I can’t have my drama
And be a mother who is also a motha’
I wanna know that I can find inside me anyone I need
I wanna be Donna Mckechnie, Donna Summer, Donna Reed
I wanna be Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead
I want it all
I want it all
I want to find a way to break through every wall
I want it all"

[excerpt of lyrics from "I Want It All" from the musical, "Baby"]

The challenge - get rid of enough clutter and "other" so I can focus on what is really important.

There are some blogs, which, after reading, I feel incredibly guilty, depressed and 'not good enough' or 'I'll never attain that' - some of them I have listed on my blog, because I truly need to minimize, simplify and declutter, and they have insight and valuable things to say.

There are other simplification blogs that I follow and adore, which, after reading, I feel inspired and motivated and cheerful and have an "I can do this" feeling.

I want to be the latter kind of blogger.

This blog has been pretty unfocused - unpredictable - and super unorganized. I had hoped that 2013 would be the year that I would be able to reduce... both my size and my stuff. Instead, I traveled to a chorus 2-1/2 hours one-way up the road for 18 months in order to attain a goal I'd set for myself a long time ago. I achieved half of that goal. And have an International Silver Chorus Medal in Sweet Adelines. More and more I realize I can't do it all (anymore), and that 'something's gotta give.'

Scottsdale Chorus ~ Finals Package, Sweet Adelines International Contest & Convention, Honolulu 2013

How is this photo for some serious joy?

That is what the minimizing and decluttering will be about. What has to give. Clearing the spaces so I can think. Decide to do less.  Keep the Joy. Making difficult choices as I "hack away at the unessential." Remembering that this is a journey, and a transition, and it won't happen overnight, and a little bit each day is still a step forward in the right direction. Being kind to myself in the process.

Like Tammy Strobel at rowdykittens, I hope that regular blogging will improve my writing. I also really want to do the "photo a day" because I think that is just cool. And, maybe in the process, I can learn more about what my camera can do and what I can do with a camera. And in taking a photograph of a thing, I can be grateful for the time it was mine to possess, and with love, let it go.

“If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Back from Hawaii...

My brain's kinda scrambled with so many thoughts -- (laugh) -- this isn't different than any other day, I guess.

We won the Silver Medal in Honolulu ~ Scottsdale Chorus earned the red ribbon in Sweet Adelines International contest. Ronninge Show Chorus, from Stockholm, Sweden became the very first International Chorus to win the Gold and they were incredible. Really really fabulous, I'm honored to have shared the stage with them. All the competitors, really... they were all there to do their best, and share the love and joy of singing and harmony.  It was incredible.

The second week in Maui was awesome. We rented a fabulous condo right on the water at Ma'alaea Bay (pictures still being sorted through and downloaded), and had a lovely time just hangin'.

I have a new position within my company, and am happy happy about that. I have some decisions to make about my chorus future ~ and have been praying and talking and thinking and trying to be a grown up and it is difficult. Tucson Desert Harmony chorus will be competing at International in Baltimore next year in the Harmony Classic, and I've paid for my All Events Ticket already. Not sure what next year will look like with my new hours and days off... so *Watch This Space* as they say.

Besides Singing...

Running.

I want to start walking/jogging a la Jeff Galloway. "Run injury free with Jeff Galloway" is his focus, and that is where I want to start. Have to get back to walking again first.

Eating Healthy/ Juicing / Plant-based (Nutritarian a la Dr. Joel Furhman)

Sort of have been not following closely the juicing/veggie focused way of eating, and gained back the 10 pounds I lost.  Hard to lose over the holidays, but I'm committed.

Simplifying.

This is the year. That is all.

Maui Sunset. Last Week. Already planning our second trip back...

Sunny and Cold!

Earlier today was Sunny and Cold... my favorite! Sunny blue skies, and crispy outside air!

We hit a low of 28 F degrees last night, and tonight they're predicting 20 (!) This is very cold for SE Arizona... taps running through the night, and my little space heater in my studio going all day today.

I'm so very grateful for my little space heater, and the kettle that keeps the hot beverages coming!

I'm hacking away at my "unessential" stamps and crafting supplies.  Yes, *laugh* I understand that none of it is essential, in the actual definition of the word. But I'm de-cluttering a little at a time, and I'm feeling really good about how much I've done today.

The empty containers on the right are what I've emptied and put into plastic bags... I'm giving one of the pink/green ones to the 5 people from my work, because having something to put your things in is important. *wink!*

There are some folks at work who might appreciate 'free stuff', so I'm putting things in bags for them... then putting other stamps in a couple larger bags to take to work (and possibly other places where I know people who might be interested...) to let them go through and choose what else they might like ~ and himself has a place at his work where people bring things to get rid of.... so what I have left over will go to his work.

My goal is to get my stamps and "other crafting supplies" into one (very tall Ikea) bookshelf, and more things on the peg board. I think I'm going to have to be brutal, and say "if it doesn't fit in the bookcase, then it has to go out the door." *sniff*

The scrapbooking and memorabilia can be in in another area of the studio for the time being. I've done a lot with paring down my possessions there already, but I have more to do.  Mainly - get 'er done! Get the years of stuff I've collected into albums.

I look on the shelves and my original "Keep 5 sets plus music and celtic stamps" statement was optimistic.  When you see what I'm getting rid of, it is far more than what I'm keeping... but still - I'm keeping at least 19 known "sets" plus 15 containers of 'Other' Stamps. So, I still have quite the stash.

I'm not quite finished organizing the final "homes" for the stamps... and almost all have labels, though not all the labels are visible... that will change today! I ♥ labelling!!

I've decreased the amount of embossing powders, and still have the ink pads to go through.  I'll probably be keeping all but the oldest ink pads & pens. (Some of the Stampin' Up ink pads are from 1993!!)

The paper is another issue... I'm mostly keeping white and neutral (beige-family colors) cardstock for card bases.  I have quite a bit 8-1/2 X 11 scrapbooking paper, which can be used for cards.  I made the mistake a long time ago not getting ready of any paper than isn't "acid free" -- as it would be fine for cards. But I don't do cards enough to justify the space all the paper takes up.

I want to have my "stamping and crafting" table empty by the end of today. This is a "During" Photo:

I actually made some space on the surface before taking the picture...

As I sit here and contemplate all the "Stuff" that it takes to craft, I'm torn. I've spent most of the day whittling down this stuff, and not spent any time at all on music.  And I say music is my passion. Music is certainly my gift, and performing ~ well, there is nothing like it in the world.

I'm not sure I have the words to express what I'm not exactly sure I'm feeling at the moment.

Sleep

I love sleep. But it eludes me. Went to be early - woke up at 1am... finally got up at 2:55 am.  Surfing the 'net... cried some. Sifting through priorities and what is important. Gah!

So I'll post the photos from Photo-A-Day Challenge:

Day 5 ~ "Movement"

Rascal jumping up for a treat!

Day 6 ~ "Mine"

My "Likes" ~ scrapbooking (pages open to performing... Musical Theatre
"Quilters" and performing with my barbershop quartet), Music quotes,
Music fabric, Natural Health & Healing book, book about God and finding Faith, Self-help (combating negative thinking), Modge Podge (crafts), card-making (music-themed stamps and a hand-made 'thank you' card), orange & pink sparkly items, dog cookies, black & white journal, Fun & Funky Lava Lamp, reminder that we are the sum of our experiences... all that we have done leads us up to today.

* * *

Thankful
I'm thankful for a warm bed.
* * *

Action
Didn't do much action today. Lots of taking in information, but not acting on it. Which leads to the tears. I did read more "Running for Mortals" before going to sleep.

I also started reading about why I feel so compelled to find and make a living at my passion.
* * *

Decrease
Didn't decrease anything yesterday. Not good. Want to keep to a schedule/routine with this... to continuously act on the de-cluttering/simplifying process. Though, it is a process, and putting pressure on myself to get it done as fast as possible only causes more paralyzing un-action. Ease up.
* * *

I was reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" today - really like her stuff -- and her simple but insightful advice that got me thinking was, "Do what you do."

It goes with the thought that not everyone finds enjoyable what I find enjoyable... build on that. Knowing ourselves is key to focusing on our passion.

At the same time, I know that getting outside ourselves is also key to bringing joy to our own lives. Doing something for someone else is the fastest way to lift depression. Again with that word: Action.

Action vs Distraction

I put in my Gratitude Jar today ... "I am thankful for the internet (and all that it has exposed me to)."

I met my husband online, of course... he's one major thing I'm thankful for. But besides himself, I was thinking about all the sub-cultures that now have a voice and an audience because of the internet.  And that some people are incredible visionaries... and that they take action on their vision.

* * *

This year I will take action on a vision. As of yet this vision is blurry. It is brightly-colored, and full of glitter and glistening dew in the morning... it is being looked at through a filter, which makes it very soft-focused.  I spent some time really thinking about what course of action I want to take this year - and while the road is extremely wide, and meandering still a bit, it is going in a single (if albeit a scenic) direction.

I wasn't feeling very good today, and I left work early and came home to sit in my recliner with a heating pad and the Netbook, with HGTV on the telly, and snooze if I needed to. I re-discovered a fascination I've had for a few years: the Tiny House Movement.

In my internet travels this afternoon ~ in and amongst the tiny house websites and blogs, I came across this quote,

"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."

wow, huh?

Follow up questions:

1. What is valuable enough in my life that I would exchange a part of my life for it?
2. Who are the people that are valuable enough in my life to spend it with?
3. If something isn't worth this gift of a day, then what, instead, should it be replaced with?

My frustration with me is that my answers change. Daily. My feelings drag me around by the nose, and *look! Shiny!!* is a huge distraction and pulls me off in another direction altogether. (My love/hate with the internet and all the distractions links is a topic for another post!)

BUT -- I found a great question to ask myself as I go through and try to simplify my collection(s) of stuff... "If I were going to live in a tiny house... would this item stay or go?"  It isn't asking me if I love it, or if it is useful, or some of the other emotional questions that cause me distraction instead of action. It is straightforward, it has 'hacked away the unessential.'

* * *

Photo Day 3 (hearts) and Photo Day 4 (The View From Here)

Looking at my collection of Heart Stamps helped
me downsize my stamps! 3 sets and a couple of loose
ones... Very Proud!

This is a Gratitude Jar with one slip of 'Gratitude-ness' already in it...
In this Jar I will also put notes about great
things that happened (since I will, of course, be grateful for great things that
happen... ;-) ). My view today needed vision, and I'm visioning 2013 as a year of
things that I know I will be thankful for. And a Full Jar by the end
of the year to look back on.

 * * *

Decreasing
I have a bag of tops and some jewelry and a pair of shoes (never, ever worn) in a bag to give away. I'm struggling with keeping it until the Chorus Rummage Sale (March, I think), or just taking it to Goodwill Now!

* * *

One more thought for the day... What makes you happy? Not what you think makes you happy... what actually brings happiness to you?

My answers surprised me.