Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Year Ago Today

The shooting in Tucson, Arizona happened -- it killed someone from my small church - someone who threw himself down on top of his wife and saved her from the bullets.  What a horrible thing.

Another reminder to tell the ones you love that you love them.
* * *

I've got to cut out the sugar. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with my moodiness, anger, up and down emotions and generally feeling pretty pointless about everything right now.

that and the scale going the wrong direction... But honestly, my emotions are in total control of what I'm doing and not doing... and I'm beginning to think that processed sugar truly is the evil... and perhaps why the diagnosis of mental illness has increased over the last 50 years -- because we're all eating too much sugar!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Day 368 -- up 3 lbs

Listen to your instinct. Go with your gut.

What it that changes too fast to keep up with?
* * *

In a down period right now... always coincides with the new year.  Feeling a bit bored... restless... need something to look forward to...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Day 365!

1 Year.

I've done something consistently... for an entire year.

This is possible.

While I'm kicking myself when I'm down; and inner nag is shamelessly shouting a truckload of negative not-niceties... this is a wonderful thing to remember... to stick my head up out of the mire of those bad days... and wave my middle finger and say... "I did it! I did it once, I can do it again!" And like this awesome article at Livestrong says...
Approach this year’s goals with your eyes wide open. Have hope. Be an optimist. And believe that ANYTHING is possible. And then tell yourself that when you get knocked down, you will pick yourself back up.

Every. Single. Time.

Do it for your family. Do it for your friends. Do it for the people you love. And most importantly: Do it for you.

Key Words: Every. Single. Time.

In case I miss that bit.

I thought this quote from the article was insightful, too...
When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe that’s when you’ll achieve your goals.
There's a lot of things I didn't do... this is true.  But if I were to gather up 100 lbs and try to drag it around with me every day, doing every-day-things... I think I'd quickly wake up to the fact that it has been an incredible, amazing, Awesome-in-a-Big-God-Who-Created-The-World kind of AWESOME way year.

Remember, myself... to accept yourself for all that you are, and all that you have been (!), and all the in-between that is you.
* * *

I have a splitting headache - only something like 3 hours of sleep last night - interrupted sleep at that with dog acting up... himself not settling... himself's earphones so loud listening to music that I couldn't settle, either... 
* * *

A big list of 'to-do' -- if I would just do two of them, I'd be happier with me.

Here's me... just doing it.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 
* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)