Monday, December 31, 2012

Oh Yeah - on the Sad News Front

The Quartet Broke Up.

It sucks in many ways, ways and emotions that I haven't even fully recognized or processed yet.  Being in a good quartet is instrumental in my goals within this hobby, er..., obsession, uhhh...., WOL (Way Of Life) I adore called Barbershop.

When I can be more coherent perhaps I'll share some of those ways and emotions... but until then, I'm just really sad.

Life is just restarting... a constant turn over

‘All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.’~ Anatole France

Changing my mind. Simple, not easy.

I don't like to exercise. I don't like getting up early. And yet I've been trying so hard to incorporate these changes in my life because I know how important being healthy is... and how much easier my life was 30 lbs ago (!) My knees hurt. My back is killing me right now.  And while I'm still down more weight than I've gained back... it won't be for long if I keep heading down this destructive path.

I want to Change My Mind about how I Feel about those things. Or Better... take the Feelings out of the equation.

Letting go of anything makes me sad...  and... there is much fear in me... fearing whatever it means for me to let go.
(ask yourself, "what is the worst thing that could happen? Is the worst thing something you can life with?")
The answer is "Nothing Tragic!"

If I don't get the music on my mini-disc player onto itunes, the worst thing that will happen is
I won't hear some favorite songs. Ever again. John McGrath, namely.
Yes, and....? 
And then I'll be sad for awhile, but life will go on, and the mourning will end.
Yes, and....?
Maybe I just need to get that recording on itunes, not all 20+ mini discs...

If I get rid of the hundreds of rubber stamps and stamping supplies?
I will have wasted hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars.
Yes, and.....? 
And I'll beat myself up in my head forever, cuz that is what I do.
Yes, and....? 
God forgives you, and who in the hell do you think you are that you can't forgive what God can and does?

I'll survive. Why (oh why?!) does it feel like I'm ripping myself out of myself?
* * *

Things I value.

Healthy Eating & Fitness (and learning more)

Singing & Performing (and learning more)

Anything else is a distraction from these two things.
* * *

The thought of letting go is terrifying. The thought of how much money I've spent on things I don't use, don't read, don't spend time on... puts me in dark, sad places of despair in my mind... Regret, Guilt... you know, all those really helpful and productive feelings (!ha!).

And the Merry-Go-Round that is my mind continues on. I've had a-ha moments... I've had days of feeling ready and strong... Found amazing quotes that inspire me... but the secret ingredient dies out so quickly.  That is where the discipline comes in. Right? I so lack certain kinds of discipline... especially when it comes to routine and doing something when I don't "Feel" like doing it.

Set the timer. 
"Put on your big girl pants and do it."

Bring it on, 2013. I'll survive, and Lord Willing, will Thrive.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Just Keep Trying


So much of life is distraction.

beware of jumbled thoughts ahead:

I'm beginning to see why people who I would call "Inflexible" are that way.

It is easier to be all-or-nothing than sometimes-this-sometimes-that.

So many thoughts, but it is late, and rambling after midnight usually doesn't end well.

The new year is coming... I didn't do so hot on my 6 changes for 2012.

I'll keep on keepin' on, however.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Gym! and other Random Thoughts

I went to the gym yesterday.... YAY ME!

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical (my favorite thing) and while I could have probably lasted longer, I didn't want to kill myself.  I've lost a lot of fitness since I stopped walking in June.

I did almost all the weight machines -- spent time looking at the 'how to' instructions on each machine... how to adjust the seats, where the little yellow 'adjust here' levers are, etc.  I did 8 - 10 reps of everything except the leg push (my favorite thing) - I did 3 reps of 10.  I spent about 10 minutes stretching on the floor (which was awkward... will have to find a better place to do that), and then spent 10 minutes on the recumbent bicycle.  My knees kept bumping into the handle bars -- which tells me I'm too big at the moment to ride them correctly. They're not long enough... but I don't like regular bikes... so the elliptical it is!

I also did the 10 minute hydro-therapy massage -- which is a nice way to end the session.

I am sore today, but not in excruciating have-to-groan-everytime-I-move pain... so I think I did well.

My knee is sore, so I don't want to go back yet - maybe will take a walk with the dog while my Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Cheesecake Bars are baking. They sound devastatingly disastrous to my diet... but have to try them. Probably will take them to the Festivus Party I'm going to tonight.

Christmas Day will be with long time friends, and I'm to make dessert for 18. I made that much for Thanksgiving... but won't be doing the same thing -- should probably do the Pecan Pie and the Cheesecake again, however... so off to the grocery store for me.

I don't have a tree up.

I think I want the tree up.

Am so proud I got to the gym.  Now to make it 5 days out of 7.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Really... the whole month of November... lost?!

I'm in the middle of starting to reply to an awesome (inspiring) post from Live Your Legend (Scott Dinsmore), whom I discovered from Live Bold & Bloom...

To leave comments it asks for your website... I've posted at Capriccio the past couple days, but not here (yeah, who knew I had a second blog for posting not-a-lot lately... huh?!)... I always have to look up my link, so I open the blog I've posted the most often in.. this one... Walk, Breathe, Sing, Laugh & Repeat and am so embarrassed that I've said "I'm gonna do _________ [fill in the blank]...!!" so many times and nope. nothing has changed.

Why? I'm not sure... it is just one of the many things that are "To Do" and "Not Done."

I'm sitting in the middle of a paper hell --
  • Receipts that need to be filed or thrown away.
  • Music that needs to be entered into my music program (Noteworthy Composer) and then filed.
  • Christmas cards that I want to acknowledge.
  • Concert Programs that I've already scanned (thinking I could add them into itunes for 'Album Art' for a local concert I attended of which I have a music CD)... now debating on where it should go (am I going to continue scrapbooking?)
  • Insurance and Investment mail from my work.
  • Words to my sing-a-long show from the Senior Living Complex that I performed at in November (a missing sheet that probably should be thrown away or recycled).
  • sticky note pads
  • non-sticky scratch pads
  • journals... two that I can see, probably at least 3 on the desk.
  • Mail from the IRS probably related to the worker's comp stuff I have procrastinated about.
  • Yeast-free pizza crust recipes I want to try
  • Drafts of the show program I put together for the Tucson Desert Harmony Annual Show "Cool Composers & Holiday Warmth" on December 1st. Drafts. Garbage bin, anyone?
  • Receipts. Oh, I mentioned those... but seriously, there are a lot.
  • Ticket stubs
  • Chorus roster
  • Inspirational thoughts about life "Life's A Puzzle Literally." -- really cool thoughts on how we do or don't fit with others, with graphics.
And the non-paper items:
  • Digital Voice Recorder
  • Pictures
  • A magnificently cute bracelet that is adorable but doesn't fit my wrist... I know where it should go, just haven't put it there yet, thinking, 'this time I'll be different and actually DO something with it so I can wear this adorable thing!"
  • CDs that need to be named in itunes - I've uploaded them but haven't put the "Get Info" in there yet.
  • Change that needs to be put in the change jar.
  • White Out tape runner not put away.
  • Timer (not quite dusty, but certainly not used often enough)
  • Water bottle (I was going to be at the gym at 7am this morning, it is now 11:48)
  • Squishy Toy
  • Nail polish
  • a book called "This Year I Will..." by M. J. Jyan
  • another book, "ipod Fully Loaded ~ If You've Got It, You Can ipod It" by Andy Ihnatko

The funniest thing about why I've posted today... the comment I want to write regarding the awesome article on the LYL (Live Your Legend) blog is about focus, and needing it before you can do the amazing things he writes about in this fabulous article.

Really. (If you're reading between the lines... you're understanding the definition of insanity right now ... about how doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result is just crazy.)

I told myself I could buy his plan if I get to the gym today.

I'm dressed. I have my ipod synched, my water bottle filled, my gym bag packed. And the article (again from Scott...) that inspired me that 'Yes, Really!! I need to get to the gym' is the one about the one thing that these successful "Live Your Legend" types do...  they work out.

Like that is new.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

25 lbs

I've gained 25 pounds since my 100 pound weight loss that I accomplished on my birthday last year.

I'm now re-committed to lost 25 lbs between now and the end of November.

No Halloween Candy (it is what helped me off the no-sugar wagon a year ago).

Two days on the treadmill this week (haven't walked since June).

Tracking my food.

Pretty good day today - not perfect, but not the serious sugar-fest I've been having recently.

Gonna do a 5K November 3rd... helps keep me on the treadmill.

I think I finally understand that not everything I want to do can be done at the same time... priority is an actual fact that I have to accept... some things HAVE to be made a priority (food, fitness, time to prepare the food, cleaning the kitchen so I have space to prepare the food... you get the idea).

Fitness, Food & Singing.

That's all I have time for now.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Sunday's Quote

"We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are." ~ Anais Nin

I keep forgetting that no one has control over my emotions except me.

I keep forgetting that what other people do in reaction to me is about them, not me.

I keep forgetting that really and truly, it isn't all about me.

I keep forgetting that when I stop judging and pointing fingers, and begin accepting people as they are, and overlooking their shortcomings and human frailties*... that in this process ... a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

I keep forgetting to stop taking things personally.

I've eaten pretty good today... no real sugar... two more days to go to get the evil out of my system...

I haven't walked or done my arm exercises.

I keep forgetting that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  However thirsty he might be... and however much you wished that the horse would trust you enough to take a step (not even a leap...) of faith, that the step lies within the horse.


*and of course, this means that I hope to be accepted for who I am, with all my shortcomings and frailties too - as I have many.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Tough One

Today is rough. This last week was awful. Frustrating at work... Frustrated at self and so angry at my lack of self-discipline and follow-through, which of course, turns inward to depression.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Boring Titles Until I Get Back In The Swing...

I miss blogging. I really do.

I miss taking pictures of fun meals I've prepared... or even just especially good things we've made for dinner.  For example, Saturday night we grilled really good steak (from TJ's), eggplant (my new favorite food to grill - YUM!), some little sweet peppers, some mushrooms, and zucchini. I put mine over a few leaves of spinach, and added some Mexican cheese that is so good, the name of which escapes me right now.

I miss being focused on health.

AND YET -- how much do I love singing with the Scottsdale Chorus! O.M.W. (Oh My Word!)

It is a huge time commitment, and so very worth it! I can't describe the joy of learning and applying higher skills weekly. I've been driving two hours (four hours round trip) since the second week of June, and have a few more things to do before I'm officially a member -- they're going to be competing at Sweet Adelines International competition in Hawaii in 2013... and one of my main motivations for keeping the weight off and becoming MORE fitness-oriented is because I want to zipline and parasail and snorkel when we go to Hawaii next year.

So - I may not be as long-winded, or as photo-happy, but I need to stay accountable to myself for what I'm putting in my mouth!

I'll be updating the food log very soon!

Planning to walk/slow jog the Color Me Rad 5K in Phoenix on November 3rd. This looks awesomely fun!

Have September's FITNESS magazine with what looks like a great arm workout... and will be starting that tomorrow, along with getting on the treadmill *every day.*

And of course, my constant goal of going to bed early. Which means no mindless boob-tube marathons or 'fests' for awhile.

Quote for Today (Have I mentioned I adore quotes?!?)

"You have to speak your dream out loud." ~ Kelly Corrigan

Monday, September 3, 2012

Labor Day 2012

Haven't blogged in too long.

Accountability is Calling.

Self-discipline is Screaming...

Too much I want to accomplish to let my emotions lead me around by the nose.

Phil 4:13

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Day 3 of Detox - the Distilled Water, Lemon juice & Maple syrup day

I failed my pre-fast yesterday... my boss brought donuts to work, and I was hungry :(  Not enough fruit and potatoes available to me in the world would have made up for how delicious the donut was... sad, but honest.  Thank goodness the two donuts left at the end of the day were gone by the time I went to take the box to the break room.

I failed twice.. yesterday, however; because after work, I went to the market to get real maple sryup (I bought some for last time, but couldn't find the bottle... weird), and some more fruit and veggies... and bought a chocolate cheese pastry.  FAIL.

Today I've done well so far - the lemon juice and maple syrup is pretty tasty, I have to say.

I want nuts, however.

I justified my big fails on Friday by saying "the two days of liquid-only are really the days you'll see weight loss... so this will be no big deal" -- :(

So, I'm writing to help keep msyelf honest.  I'm also going to take a fast from Facebook -- I'll check for messages, but not spend hours like I have been -- maybe get back into blogging regularly, and not wasting the time on FB.
* * *

In other news... I successfully synched my ipod to itunes -- apparently you're only allowed to have up to 5 computers per one ipod... I'm now on my 3rd computer (!?) Kinda bugs me.  But, that is a worry I'm borrowing from the future, so I'll let it go away.
* * *

In other good news -- I've been wondering where in the world my lanyard for my Sweet Adeline event badges went... it has a lot of pins and things that I spend money on, and have been acquiring more pins and stuff... and yay - found it
* * *

Other things that have been on my mind... Scrapbooking.

I love it.  I thought I was going to give it up -- but I'm not. I am going to keep it as simple as I can, however -- not keep every. single. thing. (read: scrap of paper) that has the most minute thing to do with anything I've done.  One of the reasons I have the piles of paper I have is that I want to memorialize it -- and since I thought I was going to stop scrapping, I stopped having a place to put that stuff... hence the messier mess.
* * *

A lot has happened that I should tell stories about, but today isn't the time -- today is for organizing. I had to get a new computer (I had a big lesson this time on what it means to copy files over, as opposed to the 'picture' of the shortcut copied... oy. boy.), and most of my documents are in virtual file land, so I'm in the process of copying over files on the computer... listening to my 'high rated' songs on itunes, and then going through the piles of paper and putting stuff in things to keep stuff in *grins*!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Accountability & De-Toxing

Have to get back to blogging regularly & tracking my food.  I was up 6 lbs from last Medifast Weigh in this last week -- and while there were legitimate reasons to be up (after eating my main meal, hot and water-retaining weather), there is absolutely no denying that I went off the wagon and have not seriously attempted to get back on.

So, I started the Medfiast De-tox today... My friend has done it twice since she started (she began MF in January this year) and loves it.  I'm quite head-achey and didn't sleep well, and left work after an hour and a 1/2 because I felt so sick.... I woke up at 3:30 am and only fell back asleep around 5am, to get up at 5:30. My head ached, my stomach felt sick, and I had no concentration.

The paperwork they give you at the Center is kind of confusing -- not easy to know exactly what I'm supposed to do, or when -- and after the strictness of the 5-and-1 Weight Loss so-very-well-laid-out-for-you information, I'm a little frustrated. 

There's some new faces at my Weight Loss Center, and D did a really great job of outlining the papers that I need to pay the most attention to...There are Detox supplements that I'm supposed to take twice a day -- along with the regular regular vitamins... then I'm allowed vegetables, fruit and whole grains (Hallelujah!), 3 to 4 servings a day -- NO Dairy (eggs, cheese, milk, etc), Meat, Poultry, Fish/Seafood, Salt, Sugar, Caffeine (can wean off caffeine for these first 2 days, so had some green tea today), Alcohol, Unbleached White FlourNo nuts or peanut butter, either. bummer.

Distilled water... and day 3 & 4 are lemon juice and maple syrup liquid-only days

Today I started out with 3/4 cup of Kashi Go-Lean Cinammon cereal (YUM!), I think about a cup of Almond Milk (which I'm not sure where that counts in the Veggie, Fruit, Whole Grain line up), 1/2-cup of blue berries... and about 5 strawberries.  YUM YUM YUMMY!! I've not (legally) had fruit for over 18 months.  I did have about 6 delicious fruit-stand-in-Gilroy strawberries on a day the first week June on the road trip with mom -- but that was the first time I'd 'cheated' with fruit, so having fruit is wonderful... and what a fabulous time of year to start!  It took all my supplements, but forgot I was supposed to be drinking distilled water -- so had my normal water with vitamin C crystals (probably around 20 oz before leaving the house).

At work, I had one packet of MF crackers (1/2 a whole grain), to see if that would settle my stomach... I fixed myself water with green pomegranate tea and Vitamin C crystals... and really was missing my coffee! Eating didn't help -- I was miserable.

On the way home I ate a few more blue berries, and another serving of the Kashi cereal, which I'd taken to work for a snack.  And then I started to feel slightly indigestion-ey... the cereal is the culprit, I'm pretty sure...

I was home by 9am, and slept until 1:30 pm -- still headachey, but not the weird stomach feeling, which was good.  I had 7 more strawberries, 2 packets of the MF Soy bites (1 whole grain serving), a small low-sodium V-8 (1/2 veggie serving), 1 cup of celery (1/2 a veggie serving), and 1 cup of green grapes (1 fruit serving).  I then cooked a cup of brown rice in the steamer, and served up 1 cup on a small plate -- and 1 cup of brown rice is HUGE... so I've been nibbling on that all afternoon.

It is 6:25pm, and I only have 2 veggies and a fruit left for the day -- and the rest of the brown rice.

I was given two food diaries... one is the normal MF one, and one is for the detox.

I hate being unsure of things.  Which is an issue outside of the realm of food -- most of life is unsure... no wonder I'm anxiou and frustrated. meh.
* * *

Back to blogging.
It feels good, and I've missed it.
* * *

In case you're wondering. Yes, I'm hungry.  But I'm supposed to lose between 5 and 8 pounds on the de-tox... so watch this space.  I think this will get me back to seeing the numbers go down, which will help keep me motivated to stay AWAY from the dark chocolate covered almonds. Regardless that a serving is only 18 carbs... who eats just 9?  People who are not mindless eaters, that's who.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Off Track... What Track?

Ouch. It has been a long time.

244 today.

Lots of Chocolate lately.  Better the last few days.

Walked on the treadmill twice this week... very proud.

It is now 9pm and I need to head to bed... so I can get early and walk.

For some reason, with my huge new monitor, and now with MSOffice 7, and my eyes older, the print is smaller on the blog. Kinda irks me. Not sure if I care enough to try and fix it.

To be honest... I'm getting a little tired of the technology. :-P  I like paper to read things off of, and I care about trees, but still need things on paper. Printed Out. On Paper. From Trees.

I'm pretty sure I need to get my eyes checked -- have had quite a few headaches lately, and think it is eye strain (cheap-o readers help me read my phone... uh -oh!).

It has been a rough time that I haven't felt like sharing with the world lately...

I'm extremely afraid of gaining back 100 lbs.
A Huge Amount of FEAR. Anxiety. Dread. Feelings everywhere... that keeping it off, maintaining, and making fitness a larger part of my life -- all of that is impossible.  I know it is a matter of changing my mind, and that is the slow, maddeningly slow, process of change. At least, I hope I'm changing. It doesn't feel like I'm any different on the inside.

I worry so much about things that I have no control over. Ha. Really.... like I have control over anything, really. Work has been rather frustrating - a lot of new stuff coming down, and I feel helpless when I don't know the answers to questions I don't even really know exist.  Then I get unreasonably angry, then I feel bad for being angry, and then that goes inward, and ooooh boy does the chocolate taste delicious.

So hard on myself. Have to remember that I'm enough. A work in progress. One Day At A Time.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Life is complicated.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.” ~ Swedish Proverb
I'm not doing so well. Playing with the same 4 pounds since November. Maintaining when I have 48 more pounds to lose. 
My computer is broken.
I've hurt a good friend.
My mom has some serious medical issues beginning.
Feeling overwhelmed. And angry.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter 2012

I came on to write a blog post about an hour and a half ago... between writing down visualizations, checking out Pinterest, a few things on the yahoo site, buying a scarf and glowing solar flower garden stake -- I finally made it to write the blog -- now if only to remember what I was going to write about (!)

Now I have a headache from surfing the net, and...

wow. focus is tough.

What a week last week was -- so glad this is the start of a new week.

It started Sunday when I spent about 3 hours pulling weeds and picking up the dog poop -- and trimming branches from the tree... I knew I'd be hurting -- but have NEVER hurt as much as I have this past week. I'm still aching when I put my socks and shoes on... owwww! All week long I was moaning and groaning when I had to get up and walk anywhere. Funny had I not been in so much pain. But its funny now :-)

Found out Tuesday that someone fraudulently filed a tax return in my name - in New Hampshire - in February. And they got back a little over $5,000 (!). Nothing else, thankfully, is going on with the ID Theft -- no credit cards issued, or unusual activity on our credit cards... but I was a bit shaken up. What a headache. And filing next year will be even more of a headache. Not ever funny.

Wednesday I was locked out of my house for a while - not a big big deal, but I realized I shouldn't leave my purse and keys and, well, EVERYTHING in the other room that can be locked with no way to get to if I don't know where the spare keys are. This is funny now - not at 5:45 am when I realized I was locked out.  But it did give me a morning to get stuff done, which was nice.

Thursday I lost my gas cap - and well, I don't want to be negative, but the idiot girl who worked at the QT wouldn't give it back to me when I went by at 11pm at night asking if perhaps someone had turned it in around 4pm that afternoon, as that was the last place I'd seen it. 

Really...? Is there a rash of thieves going around taking random gas caps that they don't even know might be there in the back office of convenience stores?

But I got it back. This is funny.

I was up 2 lbs at Medifast on Thursday night. So not funny.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'd had over 20 pieces of chocolate (Easter) candy.
And I did the same thing yesterday at work.
But it is all gone now, so just don't buy any more. Much easier to resist it in the store than in the work drawer.
* * *

Watched Forks Over Knives last night.

I've thought for over 20 years that being a vegetarian is right for me... don't get me wrong, I love meat (and the smell of bacon being cooked right now is wonderful!) -- and eggs, and cheese, and all the things associated with animal foods. But on some level I've always thought a plant-food diet should be the way *I* eat.

Maybe I haven't been strong enough to stand up to nay-sayers... or maybe I didn't want to have to really work hard at making difficult choices... or making decisions about going out with friends and social occasions in general more difficult (choosing a restaurant becomes much more difficult, let alone going to a church potluck).

This year on Medifast, however, I've been pretty much taking my own food with me most places, and it goes well. I bought "The China Study" book about 5 or 6 years ago, and while it has a lot of boring 'results of the study' graphs and charts - the bottom line is that eating plants is healthier. I then did some more online reading and read a lot of 'other side' arguments, and put the book away. And went back to "balance in all things" kind of thinking, and put it out of my mind. T Collin Campbell is co-author of the The China Study, and is one of the two main Doctors who are featured in the Forks Over Knives documentary.

Seeing the people in the video physically change and proclaim the health benefits... well, it just put the last weight on the balance scale in favor of going to a plant-way of eating. Which means no animal by-products (i.e., dairy). The cholesterol numbers were compelling -- not to mention the woman who doesn't have to take medication for diabetes anymore... and she works at a diabetic center, where no methods of medication had changed her health.... (!?!?!?!?!) But I think it was 6 weeks on the plant-based diet that had her off her diabetes medication(s).

Of course, last night himself went out and bought milk, and for me and my coffee some cream... and there is butter in the house... and I had some cottage cheese for dinner... so this will be huge change that will happen gradually. I plan/hope that it will get me back interested in cooking real food for my Lean & Green... and I'm looking on the non-meat protein sources on the MF charts, which means "Tofu - here I come!"

It comes down to where I want to spend my time and effort(s).

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Day 1 of Restart -- Sept 1 is goal date for Goal Weight

I'm just sayin'.

Time to stop dilly dallying around.

MF Scale = 240.8 today.  Makes my loss 97 lbs.  Phlsdplthmpthss! (that's a strawberry, in case you needed a translation).

I bought more shakes - and I plan to have 3 shakes a day, plus a soup and a bar -- my extra's will be cream in my coffee, and a measured amount of almond butter and celery.  I may even go back to pickles!

And a plan to work out my arms.  They're ick.

Freedom in Obedience... when I know the rules, I don't have to worry about choices. 

Heading to bed now. REALLY need to make getting up EVERY DAY at 5am a priority.

every. day.

Monday, March 26, 2012

In The Pit

Feelings flying and flailing... beware of fallout.

Overwhelmed. Eating too many dark chocolate covered Almonds. The scale is up.

Emotions take over and render me almost helpless. Totally sucks.

Talking about it doesn't really help. Crying helps a little... this roller coaster ride of life... just get tired of the downturns.  Miss my family. And I'm not that far away, but I wish I saw more of them. Mom. Dad. cousins. I miss the ocean. I miss not going to Pepperdine for lectures this year.

Sometimes being a grownup really really sucks.

and the foot of the spoiled little girl stamps up and down but changes nothing.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Sad Monday

A Girl at work lost her baby on Friday night. I'm heartbroken for her and her family and her boyfriend.  The baby boy was 9 lbs, 22 inches -- the cord wrapped around his neck, and from what I understand, there's an 8-minute window to work with.

Just so sad and sick with grief for her. I really cannot imagine what it must be like.
* * *

Things have been insane as usual... quartet and chorus have taken over for a month or so - and I've been incredibly neglectful of my poor lonely blog.

But. tonight isn't the night to make up for it.

have to sleep now.  Show love to those you love. And please say a prayer for all those who are grieving in this world over losses of life.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I can feel the bones in my knees...

... and in my shoulders.

And Yes, I can see my collar bones. This is really, really cool.

I'm still REALLY struggling with the next 48 lbs and the journey that will take me on.

I have a feeling it is gonna be tough.  But I can do it.

Today was a crap day at work.  I love my team, and enjoy working with the people I work with on a daily basis. But the frustration of bureaucracy is getting worse incrementally... and I don't have a healthy way to deal with stress, really.

Gotta get my walk on.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Tucson Marathon - Dec 9

Planning to walk the 13.1 half-marathon.

Intimidated just thinking about squeezing in 45 minutes of walking every day.
 * * *
"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."
Author, Nora Roberts

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Birthday Arizona

Oh yeah... Arizona's Centennial is today -- We're the Valentine State!

And Happy Birthday to Himself ♥

New Mantra

Never trade what you want
for what you want

Good, huh?

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Mid-February Re-Start

I was up 3 lbs at Medifast yesterday. Knew it would be bad.

No surprise... though this past Monday I saw a new (low) number on my home scale... I then went out and bought "treats" for my team at work = Butterfinger hearts and Dark Chocolate Dove hearts... and well, they got a few of the Butterfinger hearts.

I also inhaled a tin of semi-deluxe nuts (less than 50% peanut mix) in a couple of days... and combine high salt with not enough water... having a sugar binge - all that equaled the 3 lb gain. Well, I have to say it stops today.

Yesterday, driving home -- I bought roasted almonds and bag of Lindt's Chocolate truffles - which are my favorite.  3 truffles = 15 carbs... but of course I didn't limit myself to only 3.  I just called the day a loss and rather than go have a couple of slices of pizza... or some salsa & chips... I enjoyed the sugar; then crashed.
* * *

Last night I once again was thinking about what kind of life is what I want to live
[my mind is racing right now and it is a bit difficult to be coherent when so many thoughts are competing to be first... just a warning that the following may or may not make sense.]
and I had the thought that I need to be a grown up.

(I think) a lot of what I'm struggling with is my inner child not wanting to give up anything. (scrapbooking, memorabilia, stamping, crafting, projects, sewing, Martha Stewart-esque plans for my home and life)

I don't want to have to make a choice. I want it all.

And it isn't the first time I've had the thought, but it is the first time I've had it so incredibly internal -- not just like I was looking at the thought and understanding the concept intellectually and saying, "I see... interesting and quite true..." as if from afar... like an objective counselor talking with a counselee... but rather -- having it come from a bubbling place inside of me. Without Resentment. It was with Acceptance.


Can we hear a big WOOT!!!???!!!
* * *

What I want is changing... and the letting go of past dreams in order to create and make real the new ones I think puts me in a place of mourning.  Mourning the death of past dreams, which I'm still (very much so) attached to, and love dearly; and if there was enough time in the day I still totally want to do (!) But the reality of needing to make some difficult choices creeps in more and more each day, and I'm still in the process of trying to get clear on what it is I want my (our) life to look like.

  1. Health & Fitness -- (still looking to add another 30 minutes of walking a week, and two or three days of resistance fitness activity)
  2. Home & Husband -- Simplifying. Clearing the stuff. Cooking healthier. Planning time together. Growing a Kitchen Garden. Having a herb garden.
  3. Job/Career -- still working on how to want this as a higher priority in reality
  4. Family & Relationships (has moved up the priority list) -- taking a balance of time off between family and chorus/quartet events. Keeping a few meaningful card-making supplies for creating a few meaningful projects.
  5. Quartet -- Be a member of Club 21 (means winning a regional contest and a shot at competing at International)
  6. Chorus -- Be a member of a Top 10 Chorus.
To accomplish even a simplified list of things: my main goal is to go to bed earlier (by 10:30 at the latest) and getting up at a regular time (5:30 at the latest). Watching less mindless television.

So I've been trying to think of things that will actually get me excited to get up in the morning put together a list of things to think about before I fall asleep that I will remember in the morning so I'll actually get up... and be productive... some reasons to get up consistently at 5am.

I struggle with being specific in this area.  Having a list of housework that I need to accomplish isn't doing the trick. Surprise. Not.

Doing music is one of them... but in order for me to get up, start the kettle for coffee/tea and actually come in and be productive - I need the space to work (which is definitely NOT something I have around me at the moment) and some outlined goals on which to focus.
* * *

And I have to express my extreme sadness and grief of the too early death of one of Pop Music's greatest voices. Whitney Houston died yesterday at age 48 -- details about it I haven't seen yet, but I would guess that her later drug use and addiction came from a place of trying to escape the pressure and expectation that a needy (greedy) business demanded.  And from what sounds like a tormenting love relationship.

What a gift she was blessed with, such a tragic, tragic end to her life. My prayers are with her family :(
* * *

I'm so blessed... and incredibly thankful. Thank You.
* * *
PS -- is is 02-12-2012.  Cool. Thanks Ben

Friday, February 10, 2012

Bling ~ A La the Gem Show (Yeah Baby!)

First let me say that I'm *so* glad I didn't bring in my debit card.  I took ca$h only (something I rarely do) and am so completely satisfied with my purchases... *WITHOUT* having done major damage to my pocketbook.

I bought a dozen different colored fabric necklace whatchamacallits, some black plastic/leather necklace things and a few pendants on which to put on them... two black/silver/white/blingy bracelets, a matching pendant and earrings, and matching earrings and ring.  Oh, and a really cute beaded hot-pink velvet bag.

Here's my treasures...

I was taking a picture of my right hand, which meant I was holding the camera with my left hand and trying to not drop the camera, or shake the camera.... so while I'm not particularly enamored by my pudgy alabaster wrinkly finger(s) -- I do LURVE the purple stone... and have earrings to match!
* * *

Had lunch with one of my most favorite people in the world today at one of my most favorite restaurants... took my car in early for servicing... and spent less than $50 in Staples. I could spend hundreds of dollars in stationary/office supply stores... Yessirree Bob... so I was quite proud I got out of there for less than $50!!

Getting ready to go to Big Box store to look at technical gadgetry -- himself wants a phone charging alarm clock thing-a-ma-bob... and I want to touch and feel video cameras to see which ones I want to buy.

Apparently my normal camera can do video - but I can't plug it in -- and imagine it eats the batteries up in a big way -- so think I want a simple bloggie or flip or something in that vein.
* * *

I did see a new-to-me number of my scale earlier this week -- but then succumbed to temptation ~ Butterfinger hearts - bite-sized butterfingers that I bought for work people - which haven't been equally distributed amongst them (!) -- and a few Dove dark chocolate hearts... and I've eaten way too much salt and caffeine this week.

I DID, however, walk on Thursday am - and with the cold weather (cold for us desert rats) and my being sick for a week, I haven't been out for awhile - so it was painfully difficult to get up and STAY UP that early, but it was a great walk!  Miss it when I don't do it-- so am resolved [again] to get up early as a habit. 

I got an app that tells you your sleep cycle -- when the best time is to get up depending on what time you go to bed -- and that helps me figure out what time to set the alarm to get up -- and so far has been right -- even if it is only allowing 5 hours or so of sleep, I wake up 'fresh' rather than groggy, which is, er.... refreshing *hee hee!*
* * *

Still have not moved on the de-cluttering or simplifying... lots of head thoughts, very little physical movement... though I did make room for myself on my little couch -- which is where the pillow is sitting for the Gem Show pictures above.
* * *

Watched the superbowl - at least from half time on-- disappointed for Brady, happy for Manning... great moments at the end!  Loved Matthew Broderick in the Ferris Bueller for Gen X commerical... YAY!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

February 1, 2012

A Dining Table can help re-establish (save? rescue?) a relationship.

Eating a meal together... home cooked & tasty real food... no tv.... no couch eating... making plans and discussing the day.


Weight Loss: eh.

Emotional State: Better

Physical State: getting over being sick (off work 2 days) - missed fabulous coaching session for chorus

* * *
30 Minutes working together on the house.
Not working together at the same time... but as a team separately. Common Goal = to have friends over and have fun movie and game nights. Clear surfaces. Which requires a place for guests to sit. Cleanliness is key here. Lack of Stuff, also important. Working inside and outside on the space we share together.

I feel like such a grownup.

* * *
Less Stuff. Downsize. Donate. I'm not as bad as the tv show, but honestly,  it wouldn't be that far for me to cross over. Why do I have such a difficult time letting go? Such a weird thing - holding on to the past... saving for 'one day' or 'it may come in handy' -- and until that time just keeping everything stuck.

Two empty coffee jars have been sitting on the counter next to the sink for a couple weeks. They're great sized, nothing printed or bumpy on the outside... would be great for a craft project - or for holding ... something (I can't even think of anything at this moment - but I *know* they'd be good for SOMETHING). Himself took our dinner plates to the counter, and we were talking about clearing and letting go, and I said it was okay to recycle those two empty jars.

It pained me to see him put them in the recycling bin. PAINED ME. Physically affected me.

What IS this? How did I get here? What thought process and pattern brought me to this weird place where letting go and getting rid of things is so incredibly difficult? What am I afraid of?
* * *

Random... lots of drama in other areas of life, nothing major... just time consuming. Every day needs to be a day to re-focus. Re-energize. Re-commit.

Peace. Gratitude. Breathe.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Year Ago Today

The shooting in Tucson, Arizona happened -- it killed someone from my small church - someone who threw himself down on top of his wife and saved her from the bullets.  What a horrible thing.

Another reminder to tell the ones you love that you love them.
* * *

I've got to cut out the sugar. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with my moodiness, anger, up and down emotions and generally feeling pretty pointless about everything right now.

that and the scale going the wrong direction... But honestly, my emotions are in total control of what I'm doing and not doing... and I'm beginning to think that processed sugar truly is the evil... and perhaps why the diagnosis of mental illness has increased over the last 50 years -- because we're all eating too much sugar!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Day 368 -- up 3 lbs

Listen to your instinct. Go with your gut.

What it that changes too fast to keep up with?
* * *

In a down period right now... always coincides with the new year.  Feeling a bit bored... restless... need something to look forward to...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Day 365!

1 Year.

I've done something consistently... for an entire year.

This is possible.

While I'm kicking myself when I'm down; and inner nag is shamelessly shouting a truckload of negative not-niceties... this is a wonderful thing to remember... to stick my head up out of the mire of those bad days... and wave my middle finger and say... "I did it! I did it once, I can do it again!" And like this awesome article at Livestrong says...
Approach this year’s goals with your eyes wide open. Have hope. Be an optimist. And believe that ANYTHING is possible. And then tell yourself that when you get knocked down, you will pick yourself back up.

Every. Single. Time.

Do it for your family. Do it for your friends. Do it for the people you love. And most importantly: Do it for you.

Key Words: Every. Single. Time.

In case I miss that bit.

I thought this quote from the article was insightful, too...
When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe that’s when you’ll achieve your goals.
There's a lot of things I didn't do... this is true.  But if I were to gather up 100 lbs and try to drag it around with me every day, doing every-day-things... I think I'd quickly wake up to the fact that it has been an incredible, amazing, Awesome-in-a-Big-God-Who-Created-The-World kind of AWESOME way year.

Remember, myself... to accept yourself for all that you are, and all that you have been (!), and all the in-between that is you.
* * *

I have a splitting headache - only something like 3 hours of sleep last night - interrupted sleep at that with dog acting up... himself not settling... himself's earphones so loud listening to music that I couldn't settle, either... 
* * *

A big list of 'to-do' -- if I would just do two of them, I'd be happier with me.

Here's me... just doing it.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 
* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)