Sunday, February 12, 2012

Mid-February Re-Start

I was up 3 lbs at Medifast yesterday. Knew it would be bad.

No surprise... though this past Monday I saw a new (low) number on my home scale... I then went out and bought "treats" for my team at work = Butterfinger hearts and Dark Chocolate Dove hearts... and well, they got a few of the Butterfinger hearts.

I also inhaled a tin of semi-deluxe nuts (less than 50% peanut mix) in a couple of days... and combine high salt with not enough water... having a sugar binge - all that equaled the 3 lb gain. Well, I have to say it stops today.

Yesterday, driving home -- I bought roasted almonds and bag of Lindt's Chocolate truffles - which are my favorite.  3 truffles = 15 carbs... but of course I didn't limit myself to only 3.  I just called the day a loss and rather than go have a couple of slices of pizza... or some salsa & chips... I enjoyed the sugar; then crashed.
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Last night I once again was thinking about what kind of life is what I want to live
[my mind is racing right now and it is a bit difficult to be coherent when so many thoughts are competing to be first... just a warning that the following may or may not make sense.]
and I had the thought that I need to be a grown up.

(I think) a lot of what I'm struggling with is my inner child not wanting to give up anything. (scrapbooking, memorabilia, stamping, crafting, projects, sewing, Martha Stewart-esque plans for my home and life)

I don't want to have to make a choice. I want it all.

And it isn't the first time I've had the thought, but it is the first time I've had it so incredibly internal -- not just like I was looking at the thought and understanding the concept intellectually and saying, "I see... interesting and quite true..." as if from afar... like an objective counselor talking with a counselee... but rather -- having it come from a bubbling place inside of me. Without Resentment. It was with Acceptance.


Can we hear a big WOOT!!!???!!!
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What I want is changing... and the letting go of past dreams in order to create and make real the new ones I think puts me in a place of mourning.  Mourning the death of past dreams, which I'm still (very much so) attached to, and love dearly; and if there was enough time in the day I still totally want to do (!) But the reality of needing to make some difficult choices creeps in more and more each day, and I'm still in the process of trying to get clear on what it is I want my (our) life to look like.

  1. Health & Fitness -- (still looking to add another 30 minutes of walking a week, and two or three days of resistance fitness activity)
  2. Home & Husband -- Simplifying. Clearing the stuff. Cooking healthier. Planning time together. Growing a Kitchen Garden. Having a herb garden.
  3. Job/Career -- still working on how to want this as a higher priority in reality
  4. Family & Relationships (has moved up the priority list) -- taking a balance of time off between family and chorus/quartet events. Keeping a few meaningful card-making supplies for creating a few meaningful projects.
  5. Quartet -- Be a member of Club 21 (means winning a regional contest and a shot at competing at International)
  6. Chorus -- Be a member of a Top 10 Chorus.
To accomplish even a simplified list of things: my main goal is to go to bed earlier (by 10:30 at the latest) and getting up at a regular time (5:30 at the latest). Watching less mindless television.

So I've been trying to think of things that will actually get me excited to get up in the morning put together a list of things to think about before I fall asleep that I will remember in the morning so I'll actually get up... and be productive... some reasons to get up consistently at 5am.

I struggle with being specific in this area.  Having a list of housework that I need to accomplish isn't doing the trick. Surprise. Not.

Doing music is one of them... but in order for me to get up, start the kettle for coffee/tea and actually come in and be productive - I need the space to work (which is definitely NOT something I have around me at the moment) and some outlined goals on which to focus.
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And I have to express my extreme sadness and grief of the too early death of one of Pop Music's greatest voices. Whitney Houston died yesterday at age 48 -- details about it I haven't seen yet, but I would guess that her later drug use and addiction came from a place of trying to escape the pressure and expectation that a needy (greedy) business demanded.  And from what sounds like a tormenting love relationship.

What a gift she was blessed with, such a tragic, tragic end to her life. My prayers are with her family :(
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I'm so blessed... and incredibly thankful. Thank You.
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PS -- is is 02-12-2012.  Cool. Thanks Ben

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing. The struggle is tough. Here is a song that I like for inspiration: "Hold On (for one more day)" by Wilson Phillips. I hope it makes you smile ! :)