Monday, November 29, 2010

Despite "Failure"

Well... I didn't lose the weight by my birthday. I am disappointed in myself, yet, I am feeling good emotionally. There are other areas where I've accomplished some things that I've been meaning to do for a long time, and I am down 5 lbs.

I've walked more in the past three weeks than I have in a long time -- I didn't go to bed early enough last night to be able to get up with a good attitude this morning - but will tomorrow.

I put up the Christmas tree -- still have to put the lights and decorations up, but my mother raised me to not put the Christmas decorations up or out until the house is clean... so I dusted, and mopped a little, vacuumed and then Shampooed The Rug in the living room... I'm so proud :-).

I made terrific Turkey Soup with the leftover turkey from our friend's Thanksgiving. I planned two really productive Quartet Rehearsals, and am doing chorus work that I've been putting off for months.

I finished hubby's laundry, and have finished mine -- still have sheets to wash and the electric mattress cover to put on the bed; but will do that after I get to that half of the house.

I went up to see my mom overnight the night before Thanksgiving and we had a nice dinner and it was good to spend time with her for a short time on my birthday... and my step-dad gave me a generous monetary gift for my birthday... and I learned that he had offered to pay for Medifast if that is something I want to pursue... so; I've been a little pre-occupied with thinking about doing that.

A friend of mom's has done really well on it, and that it is supervised by a doctor; isn't a liquid diet and yet large amounts of weight are lost quite quickly... all of that amounts to me thinking about it very seriously. Hubby is on board; and the fact that it takes the planning and counting out of the equation... so it just leaves me with fighting the mental fight... not easy, but seems like a good idea. There are a number of weight loss blogs about Medifast -- and I think it will be a great way to lose the first 100 lbs, at least! I think the Black/White and no gray area aspect of it will help me a lot... kind of like when you wear a school uniform you never have to worry about what to wear to school, ya know?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The First 5

From Monday the 8th of November to Monday the 11th of November I was down 5 lbs. This 5 lbs is one that is lost and gained pretty consistently -- so while it always feels fabulous; I know it is not an actual representation of weight lost. If 2 or 3 lbs is lost NEXT Monday (the 22nd) I will feel like I've actually lost some weight.

My day yesterday was a rough one... emotionally and eating-wise.  I had a counseling session in which I was told (for the second time in a  year), that I live in fantasy. Hrmph. Maybe I do. But eating 2 tacos at Jack in the Box (twice! The second time with a small curly fries) isn't the best way to process my absolute disagreement with my counselor's take on my life philosophy.

I shared my belief of  'do what you love, the money will follow' (attributed to Malcolm Forbes, I think) --and she completely shot it down. I didn't spend 15 minutes explaining that I know just loving something enough and doing it will not automatically cause the skies to flood with money to rain down on me.... but rather, to me it means find meaningful work that can lose yourself in because you feel passionate about it. Follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell says.

When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And a Follow Up Explanation by him...

The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what is called following your bliss.” ~ Joseph Campbell

So, what does this have to do with my weight and eating? Everything. To stick with (succeed!) the goal of losing weight - a big huge goal of 151 lbs means a long road to travel, full of emotional ups and downs and inward exploration that will be a B i G-fAt-HaIrY-D e A l for me to conquer the sabotage of myself by dulling my emotions with food. I've been seeing a counselor for a little over a year because of what she thinks is bi-polar behavior, what might be ADD, but really for whatever it is that prevents me from "being successful" in a career job making a decent living. I haven't ever been in a job for more than 3 years. I get bored... I hate the mundane routine and repetition of 'same thing, different day, different people.'

I am most certainly an instant gratification girl -- and losing weight is most certainly not an activity that satisfies that childish demand. I'm not lazy - I do a lot.  For things that I care about.

My response to not liking what she said resulted in a 76.5 point ww day. (Which blows the Flex Plan Weekly Allowance Points out the window until Thursday!) I did walk one lap around the park (.62 miles), and spent some time praying asking for discernment and wisdom with what was said to me today. I am a Christian, and I believe God has a plan for my life - mainly to do with the talents He's blessed me with (to which I keep saying no and running another direction). So perhaps today I'll keep the points to a minimum by drinking juice for my blood sugar and eating salad and veggies... while I continue processing my life so far.

Friday, November 12, 2010

First Mini Goal

My birthday falls on Thanksgiving Day this year.  It happens every so often; and I love it. I love Autumn; I love that everyone gathers to celebrate my birthday *hee hee* -- I know that isn't the real reason, but it feels like it; so I soak it in! 

Yesterday was Veteran's Day - (nod of huge thanks and appreciation to all who have served; and all who have had those who served in their family for the American Flag and all it stands for) - and two weeks exactly before I turn 43. I thought... two weeks to lose 8-10 lbs would be a good start to this journey. (From Weight Watchers experience, I know my first 5-7lbs lost during the first week when following any eating plan isn't necessarily a true reflection of weight loss; but it has happened every time before, so I'm hoping it'll happen again this time!)

And my excuses are slowly falling away... excuses such as:
  • I need new, better, excellent walking shoes
Thanks to my wonderful hubby, himself; I bought some brand new Skechers -- which I've never worn before. They Rock! Literally and yes, the other way too!! Stood on the chorus risers Tuesday night with much less back and knee pain than normal athletic shoes! Only my ZCoils do better!
  • It is too hot, and too early!!
I froze last night going to bed; the temp in my house right now is 61F... Perfect Weather for walking! Plus, my good friend P calls me in the morning and we're holding each other accountable in walking each day. I don't want to be asleep or still in bed when she rings, so it helps knowing the phone will ring sometime between 6am and 7am.
  • I don't have a good Pedometer
Himself bought me a great pedometer a few years ago, and I asked him to replace the battery so it would work again. Done!
  • I Am Afraid. (See this post from another blog of mine)
I have my "walking bag" now - carries the pepper spray, tissues, a flashlight, and water when the weather heats up. It is the place to keep the dog's leash, my sunglasses & the afore-mentioned pedometer. It has taken 3 years to get back out to walk the dog by myself.

Two weeks of walking and counting points (on my own, not going to WW meetings or online stuff... just tracking what I'm eating)... I can do that. It doesn't overwhelm me. It isn't an unforseeable goal in the distant future. I'm an instant gratification girl... I need short goals and rewards, with a map of the entire journey in a drawer that I can pull out anytime to be sure I'm on track.  Because ... knowing where I'm going is a better way to ensure arriving at my planned destination.  Reward for losing the two week goal? Let me get back to you.

Lyn, over at Escape from Obesity posted yesterday that New Year's Day is 50 days away. Where will you be? Not a physical location, but a mental state. And if you're planning to lose weight, or get fit, or whatever the goal may be... why wait? As Gandi said, "The future depends on what we do in the present."

My First Major Goal: To Lose between 35 and 40 lbs before April 7, 2011.
4 months + 25 days
145 Days = 20 weeks

To me this goal is too far in the future... so much time, so much work... every. single. day. And such a little reward (only - maybe - 35 lbs?!?) -- this is when visualizing that a pound of butter is a lot of fat, and 5 pounds of anything weighs a considerable amount... and my loaded up backpack (10 - 12 lbs) is still even more... so it *is* a big deal - and a big accomplishment. When I get there.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I Want...

To sit in a chair and not be afraid it will break.
To have a normal sized towel that will wrap around most of me.
To sit in a stadium seat without having to shuggle & wriggle just to sit sideways without my back touching... and then have bruises for days.
To be able to walk up a flight of stairs and still be able to have a conversation.
To be able to sit on the floor and rise up again without it being a big, long, embarrassing process.
More energy.
To walk every day.
To be able to run 40 - 45 minutes a day.
To be able to use the normal seat belt in an airline seat.
The tray table to be able to come all the way down and not touch any part of me.
To look forward to physical exertion.
To eat without guilt (because I'm eating healthy, and exercising regularly).
To always eat like I'm going to sing and perform... because then I never overeat.
To shop for clothing in *any* store *I* want.
To look at pictures of myself without shame, or sadness... but rather with some pride with what I've accomplished.
To be honest with myself during this process.
To be thankful for everything I've gone through; and everything I have yet to go through.
To know in my soul that the number on the scale does not define me.
To view self-discipline as freeing, not as constraining.
To discover the anger... face it... and then forgive and release.
This to be it. The last and final time.

To Lose 151 pounds -- and never find it again.