Friday, December 30, 2011

Happy Faces Pretending... All the While Attacking Ourselves with Words We'd Never Dream of Saying to Anyone Else...

Love this from Ellen over at "Fat Girl Wearing Thing" about 'Ditch the Weight; Lose the Hate' challenge 2012.

She says this...

Have you ever noticed that the tools needed to repair ourselves on the outside are plentiful and readily available?  They come in the form of diets, exercise equipment, menu plans, gyms, diet aids, gadgets, specialized shoes and clothing – you name it.  We can’t hide our weight from others and that too becomes a motivator.  But feelings of regret, hopelessness, fear, humiliation, anger, self ridicule and belittlement are so much easier to hide; to pretend they don’t exist.  The tools we need to fix those areas of our lives aren’t so readily available.  So, we put on happy faces and pretend that we don’t mentally and emotionally attack ourselves with words we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. 

I put in red the part that really really called me out. So many things going through my mind right now about the close of another year... another great post from Ellen is about Reflecting on the past year and seeing what we have achieved.  Yes, I've lost 100 lbs. I am not done, but right now am acting as if I were... what the hell? And when I look at these reflection questions and answers, I just feel like I'm not enough... there's so much more to do and to improve upon. And the overwhelm begins. And the 'why bother?' creeps in, and I've not even noticed it until there's a big, cold draft in my supposedly safe and warm and loving spirit.

We all have to find our own way... we ask others, we consult, we research.  We ponder, we discuss, we have coffee and perhaps even some chocolate. We feel guilty, we feel success... often I feel those in the same instant. We vent. We Try... we might fail - sometimes we prosper. We grow... or at least we think we are growing. We hope perhaps *this* will help... or maybe *that* -- a new calendar, a new motivational statement... a new mantra... a new friend...but it is only when I realize that I. am. enough. that the spiralling self-destructive thought pattern is disrupted.

I believe in God. A Creator - who created me exactly as I am meant to be. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to improve on - that is part of the challenge (and what I believe to be part of the meaning) of life. I have so much trouble remembering on a daily, constant basis that part of the journey is making mistakes, and accepting yourself anyway; falling down, and getting up again; learning the hard way, and yet still forgiving yourself.

All so much easier said (and written) than done (and lived). I have to keep reminding myself that I Am Enough.
I am good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Friendly enough. Loving enough. Thoughtful enough. Detached enough. Emotional enough. Disciplined enough. Tough enough. Soft enough. Opinionated enough. Self-reliant enough. Savvy enough. Humble enough. Intelligent enough. Reading enough. Watching enough. Thankful enough. Inspired enough. Planning enough. Sleeping enough (ha ha!). Aware enough. Eating enough. Exercising enough. Thinking enough. Writing enough. Daydreaming enough. Walking enough. Cooking enough. Cleaning enough. Singing enough. Praying enough (never enough of this, I'm afraid). Grateful enough.

Enough starts to look misspelled after awhile.

Enough.

Enough is enough.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011 in Haiku Form

Another inspiration from "Ben Does Life"

Lost one hundred pounds
Still looking for who I am
what is it I want

7 days away from the 365th Day of Medifast

... January 4, 2012 it will be one year.

So many things have gone through my head the last few weeks.

I don't know where to begin.  Except I know that losing the weight is only the beginning.  I am still the same person, with the same frustrations, the same inclinations, the same temptations as I was 100 lbs ago.

I know this because I have ventured off the MF path and indulged a bit -- not in bread, pasta, potatoes or corn on the cob... but in dark chocolate, and much larger portion sizes (which equals more calories and feeling more lethargic!).  I also did indulge in 3 Luxury Mince Pies (they're the size of a small cupcake) made by Walkers that were wonderful.  I didn't eat them all in one sitting...which was also very wonderful.  And there were 6 in the box, and one I gave away; two himself got to enjoy.

I felt really crappy Monday night after eating a lot of sugary things Sunday and Monday.  I will have sugar in my life, but it will have to be Oh-So-Worth-It, and very intentional.

I realize I HAVE to get back to blogging regularly.  It was this that kept me honest and focused - and I need to put my time and energy back here where it belongs.  Full Stop.

It has been a lovely break. I go back to weigh on January 7th -- and after the last dark chocolate covered almond with turbinado sugar and sea salt is gone (which it is now), I will be back to being 'good as gold' in the eating to lose weight Medifast Method.

Two things to consider as my 'new focus' in the new year -- [1] Stop Complaining and [2] Put things away whether I'm done/finished or not.

Life is an amazing thing. If you're reading this, you're probably incredibly blessed too. Let's be grateful for what we have, and the gifts we've been given (talents, skills, abilities) -- and share. 

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, December 9, 2011

Barbershop ~ Sweet Adelines Style!

What I do...

Acceptance... of the gifts & talents... AND the 'Never Ever Evers...'

My new favorite blog/writer is White Hot Truth -- and THIS POST made me burst out in tears today.

I think we waste a lot of time wishing for things --

I wish I was... a naturally non-cluttered person;
I wish I was... more organized
I wish I was... better at math
I wish I was... more athletic

I wish for everyone that we become happy with who we are. Right Now. That we love who we are at this moment... that we are becoming exactly who we are meant to be - with all our natural abilities (maybe undiscovered), AND all our natural non-abilities (I have to work at keeping things simple and manageable). I have to re-remember every time all the reasons why exercise is what I want in my life... every single time I go to exercise.

I wish for everyone that we love ourselves for what we can do right now.

It isn't that I don't want to have goals or things to improve or work toward ~ but the inner beatings need to stop.  Accept that I'll never ever be a size 10... that I'll never ever have a flat stomach... that I'll never ever like to clean my house... that I'll never ever want to pull weeds or do the physical labor that is required for a beautiful back yard myself...

I am a natural singer, and have been blessed with musical genes from both sides of my family -- and I need to accept it, love it, use it and (hopefully) bless others with this gift. Stop comparing my special gift with others who ALSO have been given special gifts and talents.

Don't knock the talents you have just because it comes easily... there are people out there who wish they could do what we can -- and vice-versa. Enjoy the differences. Learn and challenge ourselves to improve... but love yourself all the time.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Day 331 -- Feeling Emotions

Ben @ Ben Does Life said it best on 11/29...

When things go bad... and when things go good...

go read it.

* * *

I've been crying on and off the past 4 days -- the emotional magnitude of what it means to have lost 100 lbs... it is huge. And I'm really slow at processing.  And even slower putting words to the emotions that I have no words for... difficult to express oneself when no words can be found.  So, tears let it out in the meantime -- most are happy, some I think are grief and regret... but those are short-lived, and the feeling of being ON the mountaintop returns and erases the old crap thinking/feeling, and a certainty of validation in myself that it is possible, and certainly if *I* can do it -- this thing is possible.

Totally, incredibly, challengingly possible.

48 more to go. Still a bit of a climb, but wonderfully possible.

End-of-Tunnel Light -- straight up ahead.

* * *
ETA: Nothing is done alone. I couldn't have done this alone. Life is about helping each other... Relationship.
I'm without-words grateful to my step-father & mom for making this financially possible, my own himself for being supportive both emotionally and financially as well.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Day 328 ~ AT LAST!!

100 Pounds GONE!!

100.4, exactly.  48 lbs to go until goal.

I'm so relieved this day has come... excited to move on to the next goal -- and the next fitness goal, which will hopefully be the walk/jog once I reach goal.

Not particularly in the mood to write/blog at the moment, but wanted to mark this MILESTONE reached.  :D :D :D

Friday, October 21, 2011

Day 292 (Eeek -- How is it almost Halloween?)

240.0 This morning.  4 lbs away on the Medifast Scale from 100 pounds lost.  (Started this journey at 338).

A bit disappointed that I'm hovering around this number for so long. BUT... my love for TJ's Almond Butter with Roasted Flax Seeds and the realization that I'm an abstainer (keep reading)... have contributed, among other regular life things, to being in this holding pattern.

On being an Abstainer (vs. a Moderator) -- Samuel Johnson said:
"Abstinence is as easy to me, as temperance would be difficult."
How I came to this realization: I brought chocolate in for my team at work -- we were having a tough month  [plug here: Please Give Blood... and if you can't, please encourage those who can to do it....], and so for every appointment for a blood donation, they could have a small piece of chocolate. The Halloween candy had just come out, so it was easy to find bite-sized treats.  I was fine resisting until I started on the Dove Dark Chocolate.  Then I had a couple of the bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, then the chocolate kisses.  The final straw came when I bought a bag of Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store, as a final test to see if I could just have the serving size (28 carbs) and leave the rest alone. And at the end of the day the entire bag was gone.  No, it wasn't a huge bag - it was the $1 store... but I've learned, without a doubt, that in these things it is easier for me to say NO altogether, than to be okay with just a few. In other words - this is why I have to say I'm an Abstainer, as I'm not moderate about much in my life... especially food.

Eating out in restaurants... sharing desserts is okay because once it is gone, it is gone -- and 2 or more people have helped. For me to order my own and only eat a few bites, or only eat half of it -- nope, not so much.

The Happiness Project blog is what brought this to my attention, and I'm for sure an "All Er Nuthin'" Girl! Which kills me... because I firmly believe that balance and moderation makes for an easier, fulfilling life... but apparently not for me. And I know I'm not alone... and what a bummer that I struggle with that 'never enough' issue. I'm sure there are some wonderfully deep psychological reasons for it... and perhaps as I continue on this journey this aspect of my personality will change.  In the meantime, limiting my access to 'off plan' food is the only strategy that will work to keep losing
* * *

I took days off this week to clear stuff out of my room... and to listen to the Sweet Adelines International Webcast of International Contest in Houston, Texas that is happening this week.  What a wonderful thing this technology we have (I truly have a love/hate relationship with technology...)

It is such an emotional thing to get rid of stuff. I love George Carlin's comedy routine about stuff -- so true.  I've been collecting books and articles on questions to ask when trying to decide what should go and what should stay.  The most helpful hint I've seen is "If I agonize for too long --> THROW IT OUT!! Don't make the decision whether to toss or keep a difficult one!"  This one helps as I start going through stuff.

December will be my last senior citizen craft class -- I'll give them my ideas for future craft projects, and anything that I may have that I haven't already donated.  I'm sad, but it is also a relief.  Part of discovering who I am again (now that layers of extra weight are gone), is continuing to ask myself what it is I want.  And the answer is always the same - music. My emotions are so strong about music and singing and what I want to be able to do... more on that later.

I've taken a small load of craft supplies to church... and my goal is to get pretty close to having all my scrapbooking supplies fit into one bag - and one bag for the album and pages. My cousin-by-marriage has reduced her scrapping stuff to this, and it just makes so much sense.  Harder will be getting rid of memorabilia I've been saving....  It was more important when I was living in Scotland to scrap. And as I've lost weight I realize that I was scrapping to re-live good times, that it was a way to validate myself and keep my emotions 'up' with the good memories.  I'm living a little more in the now, I think.

I do plan to keep on making cards and stamping...and there is a big cross-over in the supplies that it takes for that and scrapbooking... so it won't all go away (!)
* * *

I need to get back to regular posting... it helps me.  And pictures (though not much has changed in the last month).  I did finally make some muffins from the Medifast pancakes and different muffins from the eggs, shakes, & oatmeal... it has been a nice change to have "toast" with a bit of butter!

This is a weird, disjointed post -- I need some time away from the computer now, so it is what it is. :-)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Day 253 ~ 93 Pounds Down!

7 lbs away from 100 pounds lost!
* * *

This has been (and continues to be) the year of cleaning out my head, clearing away pounds, and establishing new (healthy & fitness-oriented) habits.

I'm so tired of living with so much stuff.  Soon it will be the year of 'bye bye buy' and 'Curtail the Clutter... by Curtailing the Crafts.' This is the beginning of a plan -- and it will probably start with the 100-lbs gone party happening in about a month.

My new theme: keeping my house 'spur of the moment party' ready.
* * *

9/11. 10 years later. Still stings. Still hurts. No words.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lyn at Escape from Obesity on her post today said:

"Goal" is what I am doing right now: learning, experiencing, taking the time I need to become healthier in the long haul. "Goal" is a rich life and self awareness.
 Yes. Amen Sista!!

I'm learning that I may not want everything I thought I wanted. I'm asking myself a lot lately ~ "what do you truly truly want?" and then trying to make decisions accordingly. I've posted my Priority Hierarchy on the bathroom wall... and tonight I'm putting Work/Career ahead of chorus... Big Step.

Be Honest.

Whoa.

But what if what I really want doesn't match up with what other people think is the right thing to want? 

I have to believe that other people have this thought... maybe in different words, though.

What if... what I want makes me appear arrogant, and unapproachable... or snotty? Or worse, un-lovable? What if what I want isn't right? And I pray about not my will but His -- and ask constantly about what direction I should be facing.


And the journey continues.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Day 236 ~ Scattered

Not 6 lbs away from 100 (math... grrr....) 12 lbs away.

And this morning I'm up on the scale, so who knows how far away I am from losing 100 lbs at this moment. I actually measured my lean and green last night - which I've not done in awhile... I did have an extra MF bar, however.

My walking buddy called this morning and she hadn't slept well, so wasn't going to make it.  So I'm finishing laundry, I went to the grocery store to get celery, cream for my coffee, eyeliner, and more La Croix water (this blogger writes with passion about how awesome this product is!!) - which I found in Cran-raspberry flavor... can't wait to try it!

I've taken out the garbage, taken the recycling to the curb, and made morning coffee for himself and me.  I'm planning on getting in the shower around 7:30 am, and was going to mindlessly surf on facebook, but decided I had time for a blog post.

I'm feeling stretched thin, and losing focus on making what I'm doing on Medifast fun.  I've stopped trying new recipes, I'm not reading the blogs as much, or checking in at the forums.  I'm trying to add another day of exercise in my week - which I did last week, and this week I'll now have to do tomorrow and Saturday.

I'm sporadic with my habits, and I know better! Which makes it so much worse. I think "just this morning" I'll skip my two glasses of water and vitamins... or my 15 minutes of dishes... or swishing and wiping the bathroom ~ and it leads to chaos (can't have anyone over syndrome) as well as boredom and complacency with my eating.  I don't want to be complacent... or bored. I'm kind of in an emotional slump, and lacking motivation and inspiration.

The definition of being a grown up is what we do every day. Every. Day. routines (a la Flylady). 

Priorities In Order: 
  • health & fitness;  
  • home & husband;  
  • work/career;  
  • quartet; 
  • family/relationships;  
  • chorus 
- with God over all as the guiding truth behind decisions... but I allow my mood to dictate my actions.  How true I have found the following quote ~

“Discipline is obeying the rule you set when you were in a different mood than you are now.” - Seth Godin
Answer? Just keep going... don't give up... every day is a new day... be grateful for where I am, and trust that where I am right now is where I need to be. Start using my 15 minute timer... and STOP when it goes off, and move on to the next task!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 232

[Interesting side note: I'm very close to the number of days on Medifast equaling the number of pounds I currently weigh. Cool Huh?]

I'm 6 lbs away from being able to say "I've lost 100 pounds!!!" with a big HUGE happy grin on my face.

And then... when I sit with it for awhile, the enormity of this milestone overwhelms me.

How did I get to a point in my life where I needed to lose over 100 lbs?

I went to a Montessori pre-school, and I remember one of the teachers (I used to remember his name) was big on taking responsibility.  The toys in his classroom were in much nicer condition, the books were not colored or scribbled in, and the kids there seemed more mature somehow (yes, things I noticed at age 3 and/or 4). I got to his class eventually... it felt as if it was a reward, a recognition of something, once you were able to be in his class. Responsibility seems to be something with which I struggle. A lot. Constantly.

As an only child, I was responsible. There wasn't anyone else to blame if something was wrong, or broken. 

Until 2007, in my work life, I absolutely refused to take on any kind of job or career that involved too much responsibility. Perhaps I was so busy feeling responsible for things that were, in reality, beyond actually being my responsibility... that this could be one reason why I stayed in jobs that required less.

Combine this with perfectionism... and that produced a lot of stuffed down resentment and anger at things...  pile on a serious People Pleasing drive ~ wanting (needing?) everyone to like me...

Then throw this ingredient into this emotional stew: I didn't say what I wanted (half the time because I didn't really know), and buried those "ugly" feelings that might cause people be get upset [can we say control issues?].

And the final little ingredient, a spice, really... I avoid confrontation. 

Eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted to eat it... that became a way to rebel, I think. Rebel against all the "good" and "nice" I was being on the outside, not having enough courage to stand up for myself verbally, and caring WAY too much about what other people were thinking of me.

I'm glad I'm coming out the other side... it sure feels a helluva lot better!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Day 225

At Medifast yesterday I was down 2.5 lbs for a total of 88 lbs down.  While I was only down 2 lbs over two weeks, my body scan showed that I have lost 7 lbs of body fat.  The walking 6 miles a week is helping!!

This morning on MY scale I saw a new number ~ 244.8.  Discussion with my MF counselor yesterday was focused on ... staying focused. Journalling. Making a plan of eating for the week... and I promised to get back to blogging every day -- putting this BACK on top of the priority plan.

Yes, life has things coming at us all the time, things which want to move us [DISTRACT!] from one direction to another... things that look more fun, or look like a better idea "in the long run," or... in my case... "Look! Shiny!" And before we know it, we've stopped the good habits we're trying to build.

And while I'm giving myself grace and forgiveness when I stumble for a time... that doesn't mean that my Health/Fitness actions move from the number #1 spot in my priority plan/schedule for the day, week, month, year, decade... LIFE!!

And God needs to be overall, in all goals, in all actions, in all plans... and I've lost sight of how helpful it is to take time every day to just "Be Still and know that He Is God" -- to release my worries, my stresses, my anxiousness to Him. 

As the Fabulous Renee Porzel said last weekend about chorus members on the risers... "[the director/choreographer's directions] release us from having an opinion."  ~ I think this relates fabulously to God and what He wants for us... His desire for us to follow Christ... (and the "Plan for Life" that is called the Bible) releases us from having to think about it.  Being obedient actually does give us a bit of freedom.

And this works for food, for exercise, for studying... just being obedient to the plan you're following, without argument, without cajoling, without bargaining... simplicity at its finest, really.

Ah... easier said than done, but what a good reminder for me today.

A number of years ago I lost 25 lbs doing the Weigh Down Workshop (Gwen Shamblin).  I think the foundation of the program (eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied... and when you want to eat from any other reason other than fuel and energy for the body, then turn to God and His Word to fill that emotional hole.) is sound, though I think there was too much guilt, and then the program lost its way when her church started up (!)... ANYWAY... my point was -- Finding Freedom in Obedience was a mainstay of the philosophy, and 'being released' from having to argue or have an opinion is extremely freeing.
* * *

Yesterday was very busy... 4 hours on the road to Chandler... met my mom & step-dad for a brief visit and coffee after the MF appointment... then Craft Class (Fragrance Diffusers)... then picked up the soap we made in July... then dinner with a good friend... then home to my cute hubby and catching up on Project Runway.
* * *

My friend's been a widow 3 years today... I can't believe it has been 3 years since that tragic bicycle accident that took away the life of a vibrant, energetic, God-loving, enthusiastic, intelligent, oreo-cookie-loving husband, father & grandfather.

We never know what the day will bring.  It just reminds me again of what is important -- people and relationships -- not objects and possessions.


Sunday, July 31, 2011

One More Thought...

"Order is Heaven's First Law." ~ Alexander Pope

I've started with getting my body & health in order... my mind should be following along closely... but I'm not sure about that ~ so I need to pay more attention.

Really getting rid of stuff isn't about the stuff.  I really like Peter Walsh, and am thinking I should take a trip to Bookman's and use my Bookman's Store Credit to see if there are any Peter Walsh books there.

This page on Oprah's site has some good stuff. I really like the last Q/A about completing the cycle... and that we all think we are 8 year olds thinking someone is going to clean up after us.  I'm so very extraordinarily guilty of that... and so is my wonderful himself.

"A lot of clutter is a lack of acceptance that a moment has passed. Maybe someone has kept all her college English papers because she wanted to be a writer, but she never put in the time and energy to make it happen." ~ Peter Walsh
Can we say, "Ah- HA!"

Ben Does Life

Read Ben Does Life. Seriously Good. Funny. Real.

His site is linked over on the right.

And he's doing/has done an Ironman. More than once.

Day 209

What an icky week last week!

Yesterday was MF weigh in day... and I was up 2lbs from the last weigh in ~ still down 86 lbs, however.  On my scale at home in the two weeks between MF weigh ins I was 253 to 247; then I was up two lbs on Saturday morning... after being very careful about what I ate on Friday... I was extremely good, in other words! Then, when I stepped on my scale yesterday morning, I was up 2 flippin' lbs.... So yesterday... I wasn't careful... I had TWO of the really yummy MF bars (Caramel Nut Maintenance Bars with 22 g of carbs each), probably two soy snacks, one bag of the new "Cheese Pizza" Flavored snack meals, and 3 regular bars... with grilled chicken w/ non-fat cheese on a bed of spinach for dinner.  I had one piece of pepperoni picked off a friend's pizza (which I knew wouldn't hurt)... I had a ton of carbonated 'free' water ( http://www.lacroixwater.com ) and didn't have my vitamins. I didn't exercise on Thursday (more on why in a minute).

And today....? DOWN 2 lbs (!?!)

Another lesson on not watching the scales, I suppose... :D

Actually, I'm not really upset, angry or even that frustrated.  Mystified, perhaps *wink wink.* I'm a little frustrated with some other things going on, but the weight loss and my efforts  here are fine.  86 lbs in 30 weeks...not bad!! I'm feeling the trousers I bought not that long ago getting much looser, and clothes that friends are donating to my cause are fitting!  I'm putting some much-loved-and-recently-purchased tops in a bag to donate and give away... so I know I'm still on the right track!!

I do want to hit that 100 lbs in time for the Rockin' Party I'm planning on October 15... so I need to re-focus my energy and efforts and commitment to health each and every day.  Sometimes I let the other stuff take precedence....  For Example:

Chorus ~
Next weekend (August 5th) is the Double Quartet Contest for Region 21 during "Camp Agave" ~ our Summer Educational Seminar weekend in Tempe.  Renee Porzel, Sweet Adeline extraordinaire Showmanship judge, choreographer and Assistant Director to the amazing Melodeers Chorus in the Chicago area is coming to share with us her talents and insights regarding thinking outside the box for character, movement and energy on the risers.  Of course, I'm just as if not more excited about participating/competing the Double Quartet Contest... The group I 'm singing with are all dynamos and really talented (including my own quartet members)... and we're sounding really good.

I'm not sure if we're truly "Golden Banana" worthy... knowing my good friend is working with two other DQs in the Phoenix area and what talent (funny stuff) they're capable of gives me my doubts, but we'll sure be ringing some chords, and THAT is so much fun in and of itself.

That being said, last year's contest seemed to have made some changes to the 'good singing' aspect of the contest... it isn't just about being funny... the most entertaining is the criteria --- and to be entertaining you need to sing pretty darn good!

So... extra rehearsals for DQ have been in my life the past couple of weeks... Regular QT rehearsals and stuff that goes on there... Chorus Rehearsals... Chorus Board Meetings... Chorus Music Team Meetings... and then there's the Show Committee of which I'm a part... Meetings for that... along with things I'm supposed to be doing (I'm doing the program layout, and tickets). I've even dropped some responsibilities, believe it or not!  I'm in charge of putting stuff on the Chorus Website (just a bit longer on that one, as a new web-based communication tool is in the works).

SIDENOTE: As I'm writing today, I'm sitting in the living room easy-couch, hubby is watching TV, and I've got my earphones on, listening to classical music... Mozart, to be specific.  If it has words, I'm easily distracted, so non-word music is best for me when I'm trying to do anything that requires creativity... otherwise I start typing the words I'm hearing in the song.  But right now, the Trio from Cosi Fan Tutte is playing, "Soave sia il vento" -- and reminds me of the time in college when we did scenes from Cosi, and the singing Trio is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. In college we did it in English, and I sang the Mezzo (harmony), and the translation words are really beautiful ~ we ended up singing it for a wedding. Opera: Much more fun to sing than you'd think ;-)  AND -- Mozart's comic operas are a great way to start!

Back to regular blogging:

Other things going on:
Moving of my Craft/Music Studio... still very much in progress.  I'm deeply overwhelmed, at least I was yesterday. Today is better.  Hubby and I were supposed to be going out at 10am to go fishing... it is 10:20 am, I'm dressed and teeth brushed, he's still very much watching mindless tv.  Not sure what we'll do. Normally I'm not in the house on a Sunday, so I hope to do a little more moving of things, or crafting today.  Catching up with a super long blog post (long overdue!) is certainly a good thing :-)

Future Plans:
100 lb party!! I wanted to do something to commemorate this significant milestone ~ something creative with a gathering of people... and himself came up with a great idea! We'll have guests bring X lbs of food (number of guests X number of lbs to = 100 lbs) and we'll load me up with 100 lbs of food, take some pictures, then donate the food to the Tucson Community Food Bank. Cool Idea, dontcha think? :D

So... 14 lbs to go until I've lost 100 lbs.  WOWZA!!!!  Can we say Happy Dancin' Here?!?!?!

Himself also expressed interest in doing MediFast... we need to talk about it some more, and our new treadmill arrived and is set up in the eating area facing the tv -- it has a built in fan & speakers, with a plug for the mp3 player -- and so yay! He has plans to walk 15 minutes in the am, 30 minutes in the pm, building up to eventually an hour 1/2 a day (I think that was his plan).

Work:
Three weeks at the new position... had to do a lot of time on the phones this last week, as lots of our team were out.  I ended up going home early on Wednesday as I felt really shaky, sort of dizzy, and had a weird upper stomach (diaphram-ish area) cramping going on. I think I had too many aspartame mints the day before (was VERY hungry on Tuesday and didn't bring enough water with lemon), and plus it was day one of Girl Week, and I'd not slept very well... all things combined to make me feel just awful.  I came home and slept from 9am until 2pm... then sat around and watched tv and did nothing. Felt ooky... that sort of hollow, empty feeling after you've been sick and are feeling better, but still kind of vacant...? Thursday was 98% improved, and by Friday I was good.

Our team is hopefully having a great weekend and we'll make goal for the month.  We're really really really close!!! The new team manager (whom I work with and report to) is really a good, fair and objective guy, and I think it is showing in the team by our better numbers.

IF (when) we make goal, I promised to make my CONTEST-WINNING lasagna.  Thursday was National Lasagna day (really? July is the month they choose to have a national Lasagna Day??!?!), so the Call Center put up a sign-up sheet to have a "Best Lasagna" contest... my recipe comes from my Aunt Marilyn, and my mom's been making it and receiving loads of compliments since I can remember... so I signed up! I made it in Scotland and people loved it, so I figured it was worth a try... and IT WON!!! WOOT WOOT!!! $25 gift-certificate to the Olive Garden was the prize, which I'm donating to the Chorus Raffle Basket for the Show in November "Flavors of the World" -- yay!!


So... hope anyone who comes over to read is feeling a little caught up on my life! It has been a bit of a ramble through my brain, and hope it mostly makes sense ;-)

I'm still trying VERY hard to remember to think about exercise differently... to make fitness and health challenges met and overcome as rewarding as seeing the scale move down!

Seriously... I need to start working out with the resistance bands in August for my arms. The arm wings are really gross.

We've talked about joining a gym (I really want a pool, and lean toward the YMCA that isn't far away), since himself's work won't be helping to pay for any more home exercise equipment, but they'll contribute to a gym membership.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Not Sure What Day It Is...

I lost focus last week... only lost 1 lb (but hey, it was a loss!)

Am posting pictures of what has been my focus the past 3 to 4 weeks...

 March, 2010



April, 2010


What My Craft/Music Room Used To Be...


Early 2011


Rascal Making His Inspection

May, 2011




Oooohhh.... Definite Progress! June, 2011




I've had help!! July, 2011










It is practically like I'm moving... there's still A LOT of stuff in the old room (which will become a guest room/workout room/ sewing room with lots of books in it!)... and a few things still in storage ~ which I hope to get out of storage this month... not sure where it will all go, yet.

I started walking again... now that my schedule is varied, but set.

Down 2 lbs this morning... and this week I think will be the 200th day on Medifast.

Will do a proper update/blog post this week.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Day 184 ~ Dog Days o f Summer... is it Cooler Yet?!

Well... I've not walked in two weeks and I really am missing it.  My work schedule is a bit varied: Mon/Thur 9am to 5:30 pm; Tue/Wed 6am to 2:30pm; and Fri 7am to 3:30pm... (!!)  I need to be walking at 5am rather than 6am in order to have enough time to get all the stuff done that I want to get done in the morning as well as walking, and I've not been 'like clockwork' in my rising habits.

That needs to change NOW.

I was up at 5am this morning (in bed by 11pm) as a friend is coming over to help me talk through what my craft/music studio/room set up needs to be.  My house is in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome -- from FLYlady) and so before she gets here I wanted to at least get the first layer of dog hair and dust cleaned up... and looky here, I'm blogging ;-) Can we say PRO-CRAS-TIN-ATE?!?! *lol*

I will vacuum and dust when this is done... the new craft room is coming along --- but right now it is in that 'in between' time where there is just stuff everywhere, and no place to put it. Overwhelming is just the first word to describe it.  Having someone to help me talk through what I need has helped tremendously in the past... and this friend is a 'do-er' -- she is a 'get 'er done gal' and extremely practical, so while I'm not as prepared for her visit as I was hoping to be, I think today will be a productive day and see results!
* * *

Eating wise I had a not-so-hot week... stayed the same because I wasn't getting up early enough to make decent dinners... not walking and just kind of eating on the fly. Because Medifast is a program that is so convenient, I have to keep up and maintain the good habits I'm learning forever... I let the health/weight loss priority slip and come up to number 3 or 4 at times this past week, and it shows on the scale.

Last night I finally cooked a real dinner (grilled chicken with my normal salad.. which is delicious!), but went overboard with the grilled veggies and spinach/romaine combination.  I hadn't cooked or fixed a lean and green all week... I was eating celery with TJs Almond Butter w/ Flax Seeds (this stuff is awesome), I picked up some really good seasoned roast beef from TJs, with some string cheese, and with the celery ate that one night... I think one night I had tuna/cottage cheese on my spinach/romaine combo, which was good... but most nights this week I just ate an extra one or two MF meals and that was it.  Not Good!!
* * *

I was out three nights with chorus stuff, and this month is gonna be chock-full again... a really fun weekend in August is coming up, but it requires extra rehearsals with a small group... and trying to get 8 busy women together is incredibly challenging.

I feel a little as if I'm doing 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.... 2 steps forward.... no movement.... 1 step back.... staying focused when there are so many things that distract me is certainly challenging.  I have to remind myself that I won't be able to do all those other things if I don't change my lifestyle... and the success I've had so far kind of lulls me into a sense of complacency.  I still have 50+ lbs to lose, but am feeling so incredibly good that perhaps I've lost a bit of momentum...?

I've let go of a few responsibilities, but now have new responsibilities at work, which I am enjoying right now... early days yet, but I really like my new manager (he has an extremely dry sense of humor, which reminds me of my uncle and lots of family :-), and being more of a coach and cheerleader for a new team seems to be working.

Rambling... that is what this post is doing... all over the place in my little brain this morning!

Time to stop procrastinating and start running the vaccum, now that it is almost 7am. 

Here's to a week that finds me back with the right focus and priorities!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Day 177 ~ 80 lbs DOWN!!!

Wow.

I can't believe I've come this far. I have to try on clothes now to see if they're going to fit -- whereas I just guessed before because it really didn't matter.  Big and loose was my criteria -- now I have to worry about what it actually fits like.

Shopping is becoming fun again... it has been A LONG time since I enjoyed going clothes shopping.  I still can't buy a lot, because I don't know what the final number/size will be ~ but there are certain things I can get that don't really matter -- things with drawstrings around the waist, for instance.
* * *

I finished the first week of work with my NEW PROMOTION!! WOOT!!! I think I'm gonna like it here.... I'm plagued with the normal self-doubts and general lack-of-knowledge and there are a lot more numbers than I anticipated (keeping track of agents' stats - CPH, APH, PROD, Efficiency, Testable, Show Rate....). 

Thursday, one of my new team members brought in 5 pans of home-made German Chocolate Frosted Brownies.... (?!?)  and gave me one of the pans.... OMG!!!

But, guess what? I wasn't even really tempted.  I was curious as to what they tasted like, but they did have huge chunky walnuts (not a fan of chunky walnuts... more of a pecan/almond/cashew/pistachio/peanut fan), so wasn't overly curious.  When I dished up a big plate for himself, I managed to sneak 1/4-of a fingernail taste of the frosting and it was TOO SWEET!! Hallelujah!!
* * *

Chorus and quartet have been really really busy... show planning for the chorus (November 12 is the date), singing gigs for the quartet ($$), and trying to get my craft room moved into the new room... plus it has heated up tremendously in the past week -- so of course, while I'm not feeling the heat like I used to, it is still 110 in the shade and makes me just want to sit like a lump in my recliner with the air blowing over me!

Plus the new job responsibilities... a changing schedule and normal "life" -- and things have been a bit busy.
* * *

Spent this afternoon with a wonderful, dear friend, who has discovered the joy and magic of theatre and acting ~ and we had a really good talk about passion, balance, choice and perspective at Starbucks over a course of 3 hours.  It was awesome!

An added bonus... I was turned away from the door when she came in -- I'd arrived about 10 minutes earlier, had our seats picked out and was putting my goodies in my iced Americano -- I turned around and she had not realized I was there already and thought she was there first and was looking for a table.  When I turned around her face was just lit up with surprise and love and pleasure for me.  She made me cry with compliments -- and that is how close to the surface I've been all day. Incredibly thankful and blessed.
* * *

I didn't walk this week because of the unknown schedule, but I think that will even out a little and I'm planning to add a third day in.  So far my buddy and I have been walking 3.1 miles 2X a week -- which takes just about an hour.  My 3rd day to add I'll keep to about 30-45 minutes, I think -- and we may be taking it inside the mall until the weather cools down -- we'll see.
* * *

I'm feeling good right now. So Grateful for my step-father, my mother, my dad, and my husband... along with my buddies on Facebook who are so supportive of my efforts of losing weight and just so encouraging... along with my wonderful lovely quartet friends, and of course, my Sweet Adeline friends.  I can't wait to see a bunch of them in August and perhaps have more than one of them not recognize me in my new skin.

I know I have to remember this elation now and forever, as once maintenance hits and there aren't any more accolades about how fantastic it is that I've been able to do so well (etc...), I'll need to keep myself motivated and remember these happy, glad and joyful feelings... and that it is ALL part of the journey... even when this is no longer new.

I'm not doing it for the compliments. I'm doing it for the life I want to live. To sing better. To have energy. To be reasonably fit. To meet others who have healthy goals and habits. For the Health of it!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Happy Birthday to My Mom!! (Day 173)

What a Fun & Exhausting Weekend!!

Footnotes Quartet sang at Bookman's -- for two hours! we received payment AND Bookman's Credit ... which is way fun! We had a blast, and thanks to so many friends and family who showed up!!

Mom & Step-dad came down for the weekend... a little getaway (and a few degrees cooler here than in Phoenix area) for her birthday...

And the chorus had a Farewell Party ~ Luau Karaoke! to say goodbye to some people who will definitely be leaving big HOLES in the chorus!

As an experiement... here 's a video of some of the party... it is dark, but you get the idea.

video

On my scale ~ I see a new number!! VERY exciting!!

I wore my shorts today... also very exciting!!


I am now in a new position at work, a promotion has come my way! I'm excited to be learning new things and perhaps being a supervisor/manager is in my future...?!

Feeling very grateful and extremely blessed. ♥

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day 167

Walked 3.17 miles this morning... YAY!

Happy 13th Anniversary to me and himself ♥

74 lbs down!

A re-evaluation of my goal weight reveals that realistically, 167 as a goal is too little. Without any fat - just lean muscle, bones & organs, I weigh 145. The Body Scan at Medifast says to be in the "normal" range -- I only have 74.9 lbs to go... which means... I'm halfway there!

WOOT!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day 160

I think I might be turning into an early riser.

Of course, having the sun starting to come up when I get out of bed helps... so we'll see what happens when the days get shorter.

Happy 70th Birthday to my dad. He Rocks. ♥ Love you so very much.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Day 159

Not too much different going on... did another selfish thing to another friend... shorter time in the beat-myself-up hole... but long enough.  Ack.  Avoiding that feeling is why I try to be perfect.  Damn this human-ness that prevents me from perfection!

I'm down 2 lbs this morning... yesterday's eating was without a lot of veggies... 3 stalks of celery, to be exact... and lots of walking around singing in the heat of the Tucson Downtown between 6pm and 8pm, which... I have to say... the heat didn't bother me AT ALL.

For anyone who knows me, this is a huge thing.  Yes, it was warm. I had water, I wore appropriate clothing. 70 lbs ago I would have died.  If for no other reason, just being able to live comfortably in the desert heat has been such a HUGE blessing result of losing the extra insulation layer that is certainly NOT needed in the desert...  so I'm saying it again --- I'm thrilled with this weight loss!!

Ha. Seems obvious, but I don't know if I've put it in those terms yet.

My wedding ring I can now maneuver off my finger with just my fingers... I hope that makes sense... I can wriggle it off my finger up and down the ring finger and it is so cool to have that little reminder of how much weight is gone.  I even was able to wear it on the middle finger AND the ring finger of my right hand... which never has happened before.  I still have 'fat' fingers... genetics from dad, I'm afraid... but this finger thing is a big deal in my world.

Apparently enough to warrant a blog post (*LOL*).
* * *

My craft room has furniture and crafts in it! The desk my computer will go on is set up, the peg-board wall and IKEA hanging wire thing-a-ma-jig is now installed... two Expedit units are put together, and shelves are up!  It is so fun to be in the process of moving, organizing, sorting and putting together my creative space!!!  This is where a lot of my energy is going... how to decorate it, how to have it set up to function the best, etc... I'm so happy and thrilled... and my hubby has outdone himself with getting the last little things done so quickly.  I think he saw how his office will soon be ALL his faster... which I'm sure has helped inspire him.  Whatever the reasons... He ROCKS!!

I'll post pictures soon...
* * *

I just want to say... this may seem random, but whatever ;-)

Everyone can sing. (Not everyone has to listen, however...).  Everyone SHOULD sing... even if only for yourself, in the shower or whatever.  And people who "judge" people and tell them not to sing shut down an entire side of expression of self.  Some people are better singers than others... just like some people can do math faster, and other people have baking skills, and others have talent carving wood. 

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.” ~ Henry Van Dyke


 The other thought I have is that I'm really really tired of hearing people say, "I'm not creative."  Perhaps you're not artistic... but everyone has creativity in some form or another.  The definition of creative is when you can think of another use for something than for what the item was originally intended.  Anytime you've used your shoe to nail something into wall is a time you're being creative.  As I'm thinking of ways to decorate my Creative Studio Space (as it is also a music room, not just crafts), I am reminded of this creative vs artistic debate.

I'm sort of artistic, but I need to practice to be better... there are naturally artistic people out there, and then there are people who have a bent that direction, but just need to work at it more.  The same quote above works for those who think they have no artistic talent, either... if you want something you have to put effort toward it... and if something doesn't come easily... that doesn't mean you shouldn't put a little time toward it and see what happens.

Off the somewhat rambling Soapbox. Perhaps a more in-depth look at this topic will be done later... lots of things that have a deadline to be done today.

Thanks for reading.

Off to work on promoting the upcoming Chorus Show (November 12, 2012) to senior audiences!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Day 152 ~ the day after my first 5K walk...! and 70 Lbs GONE

Yay ... I did it... I was absolutely dead last, but YAY ME!!!

On Saturday it was the 5 month anniversary of being on Medifast -- I was at the MF Clinic and have lost 70 lbs and 90.75 inches. My bp was 124/71... no meds. WOOT!!  Since last month when I was measured, I've lost 4 inches around my waist... I think another contributing factor to that great loss is the fact that I'm wearing a 2X pretty comfortably in tops now (WOOT WOOT!) and 1X 18/20 on the bottoms.  I even bought a pair of shorts that are a size 20 -- and they're 93% cotton and 3% stretchy, but they ZIP and they SNAP!! 

No, still not going to be tucking anything in anytime soon... but a size 2X top over them works well!

I've put my progress picture front-side on Facebook, and will get to the side views etc... for the progress page as soon as I can.  Here, however, is me and my escort at the finish line of the 5K from last night (my time was 1:12).


It was 102 yesterday, I had on my neck-cool thing, drank 3 bottles of water before, during and after, and hopped in the (still quite cold) pool at home for about 15 minutes to seriously cool down.  Today I'm feeling like I did something yesterday, but feel good.  Re-hydrating a lot... my lips feel dry!

I also had the craft class yesterday... and my buddy and I did IKEA in under 40 minutes!! WOOT  WOOT!! I know that the lack of the Lean & Green before walking, the fact that I woke up at 4:27am and drove 4 hours, then spent time teaching crafts, and then, finally... getting to the walk had something to do with my energy levels ... (ya think?!) *LOL*

See the flower? that's gonna be a theme for my 5K walk/run/walk experience(s)....

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day 148

Woefully behind... out 3 nights a week with chorus stuff. The job is going well. Medifast was awesome last week, this week a bit slower... my George Foreman Grill broke tonight... not happy! Have made delish shish-ka-bobs with chicken and veggies on the grill ~yum~!

Getting up more regularly early... walking semi-regularly... must get to sleep now.  Not sure when real posting will happen again...

Still very very grateful and thankful and feeling GREAT!  I'm so blessed.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Day 141 ~ Give Blood

Seriously. If you are eligible, and you are able, give blood.  It is something almost everyone can do to help during disasters such as the tornadoes, flooding and whatever is coming next.

Because there is always something next.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Day 138 ~ Down 8.8 lbs!

I'm now 270 lbs.  68 lbs are gone. My bp was 114/61 (yay!).

The craft class went well... I'm knackered... hopefully I'll have some time to post more this week.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Day 131 ~ I avoided the cheesecake

Today I scrapbooked for the first time in awhile... saw a scrapper friend I've not seen since losing 60 lbs, and won the "Grand Prize" of a $50 Gift Certificate worth of Creative Memories products.

I have had a good day.

I feel beaten and sad. I'm still feeling bad over something I did two weeks ago, and now small little things are annoying me.

I've walked 7 miles this week (YAY!).

I had a successful week of training for a new job ~ I'm now employed by the American Red Cross as a Telerecruiter for Blood Services... I've learned a lot about Regulations, Blood facts, and Consent Decrees. Well, not a lot about Consent Decrees, but a little.

My quartet had a fabulous weekend singing around town for Mother's Day Harmony-Grams, and now we're booked at a local bookstore in June to sing for *money!!* Woot Woot!!!!  And one of the hair salons we sang in was impressed enough to ask for a business card and hopefully some community opportunities will come from that.

My point: things are good. Writing this short list of good things helped REMIND me that I'm blessed. I'm still so thankful for losing weight, and Medifast, and my cute hubby... so these useless feelings need to say adios & sayonara!

Hrmph.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Day 124 ~ How Am I Doing It Exactly....?

I received a text message this morning from a dear friend asking me how I have lost all this weight... today I weighed in (on my scale) at 269.  That is 61 lbs gone! This week I've walked only 3.5 miles... compared to last week's 10+ miles that is not so hot... this morning's walk was 2.28 miles in 47 minutes ~ and I felt great! What was supposed to be a 2-day break became a 5 days in 7 break. I want to be careful not to let this happen again.  My goal is to walk a 15 - 17 minute mile, getting 3 miles in under 50 minutes.

But back to my friend's question: How I've lost the weight.  She doesn't live in North America... but I sent her the Medifast Quick Start Guide, which is an excellent overview with details of what leans and greens are allowed.

I eat 5 MediFast Meal Replacements a day. Sometimes I have an extra shake, or an extra bar. It depends on the day. I'm a lot less hungry now than I was when I started 4 months ago.

I drink 64+ ounces of water a day.  I try to get 32 oz in before I eat my MF breakfast.

I incorporate 5 TB of ground flaxseeds in my diet almost every day.  At least 1 TB every day (delicious in the MF Oatmeal AND it totally helps to thicken it up!)

I have an "Optional" snack just about every day... either celery with peanut butter, a pickle slice (or two), MF Soy Parmesan mini rice cake things, or MF crackers with Laughing Cow or WW cheese triangles.  Some days I have one or two string cheeses in addition to the snack. 

April was a big old plateau month... I wasn't exercising, and now with the walking, the scale has started moving back down.

I know I have more condiments than I should. As I get closer to my goal weight, this will probably have to change. Right now I have about 1 1/2 TB of half-n-half in my coffee, with 1 1/2 tsp of sugar free chocolate syrup (Torani). I don't measure or really count the olive oil I put on my veggies before roasting... I saw on Jamie Oliver's show to 'count to 2' while pouring Olive Oil... that works for me. And I don't always use it up. The only spices I'm concerned with are the ones that have a high sodium content... and of course, salt itself.

That is a beginning of how I'm doing it... I've not updated the food log page in ages, but it does give a pretty detailed description of what I was eating and when for the first 3 months.

* * *
245 lbs will be my halfway point. That is 24 lbs away. Seriously, can't remember being that weight... it sounds really bizarre, but the last weight I remember is 282 (passed that mark!), and before that... 155!! I must've been really unconscious for a long time gaining that much weight :-(

* * *
Yesterday I finally bought new trousers! Size 1X (18-20W). They are stretchy knit elastic-waist pants from Catherines... nothing binding... and they're just a titch tighter than I like... but I figure they need to last for another 3 months! I have a pair of 2X capris that don't fit yet -- they're linen-like and not stretchy... and while I can put them on.... I wouldn't wear them out in public, afraid I'd split them somewhere embarrassing if I moved too much *ha!* 

In other words, I know I'm not really a size 18-20 yet, but going down to the 1X is a BIG FAT HAIRY DEAL for me right now!! *Happy Dancin' Here!!* 

* * *
This week has been hell emotionally. I did a stupid thing, and made a mistake. I own it. I did it. I'm horribly sorry and contrite. I shouldn't have done what I did at the time I did it, and I could have done it differently. 


The week has been a horrible, sad, depressing gray week of feeling terrible about something I cannot fix or change, as it was my own deed that put me there.

Being human and not perfect ~ it really is a sucky sucky thing sometimes.  I hardly slept this week, and that was one reason I wasn't able to get up early enough to get a walk in. I hope that time will be the healer it has the reputation for, and now that I've forgiven myself for being human and making a mistake, that I will be forgiven.

But I didn't eat off plan, and I didn't overeat. I'm still losing weight. And that is still my first priority.
* * *

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Day 118 ~ Rough Day

I've hung up laundry from the dryer. I've loaded, washed and unloaded the dishwasher, I've unloaded the dish drying rack.  I've showered and prepared to go out this afternoon.  I've had two MF meals and a snack. Girl Week is starting today. I cried in the shower with the overwhelming feelings of having feelings that are overwhelming.

My life is good. I am so blessed. I am so thankful.

I have an inability to break jobs down into small, manageable tasks, and it is killing me. I read stuff all the time... how to de-clutter. how to organize. how to make labels. how to.. how to... how to...

And yet, no follow through.
* * *

Today is a rough day... full of pointlessness. I really really don't like days like this, and they happen more often than I let on.  I'll put on a good face, and fake it to the public.  But the truth is, I just want to sit and watch HGTV decorating and house hunting shows.  Or... if my desk was clean... play with some modge podge ideas.  Days like today it is hard for me to want to sing, and that is a dark day when I don't seem to find music.

I didn't exercise, but that was planned - I walked 10 miles in 8 days, from essentially nothing... so my body likes and appreciates the break. (Rascal has his opinion, however - ha!)

I'm having a very hard time disengaging from my commitments... and when I say "no more" I feel incredibly, horribly guilty.
* * *

This morning I was doing the "Do Your Values Align With Your Life?" exercise, from Live Bold & Bloom blog, and my top 5, non-negotiable life values (from a HUGE 3-page list) are:
1. Fitness & Health
2. Growth (which I align with words like Knowledge and Learning)
3. Faith (which I align with words like Optimism, Spirituality, Perseverance)
4. Fun (which I align with words like Playfulness, Recreation, Silliness and Humor)
5. Organization (which I aligned with Tidiness)

Number 5 was really hard to determine... I was fighting it the entire time... but I realize that so much of my crappy feelings come from what is, at bottom line, too much crap. Too Much Stuff.  What am I afraid of if I lose it?

side thought: so much of who I am has been defined by telling myself who I'm not. (which is directly related to not being my mom... who reads this blog -- and she'll know which parts I'm fighting, but that she is my rock, and my steadfastness of faith and integrity... so it wouldn't be the worst thing to be more like her!! I ♥ You Mom!) I've fought like a demon not to have a job or career that demands so much energy I don't have time for things I love. . . the weird part being I've never imagined a job or career that I would/could care so much about that I would WANT to devote so much energy to... except music, which -- well, that is another post altogether.

Creativity/Craftiness didn't even make the top 5 - it was on the top 10, however.

Within the Growth value I have put: learning more about music and how to teach it, and organic gardening and herbal remedies (those are the things I want to learn more about)
* * *

I have to leave now, this is by no means resolved... but as the weight is coming off, the other stuff is rising to the top, and I can't (or won't!) eat to cover it up... ugh. Just have to go through it and remember I'm doing the best I can (with what I have, where I am).

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Day 117 ~ 1.51 miles walked, another pound down!

Longgggg day yesterday... busy weekend ahead!  I slept in this morning until 7:30 and got out with the dog around 7:55.  I took a very leisurely walk this morning, and got back home at 8:25.  My back hurts -- but it was a gorgeous morning -- kinda windy, but not yet a hot hot wind... but it was warm.

I'm wearing clothes that have been in my closet for years, unworn because they were so ill-fitting. I have on a men's (large men's store) t-shirt, and a pair of old black pants that probably have holes in the crotch/rear end (!) but no one can tell because they're so LOOSE!! Whooo-Hooooo!!

I didn't really FEEL like walking this morning, but felt good about the fact I was doing it anyway.  Huge for me.

Lots of allergens floating around outside, and I've got that constant 'I'm gonna sneeze' feeling goin' on. bleh.
* * *

I ♥ Medifast. Just sayin'.  I had an extra MF meal last night, with an extra piece of string cheese... dinner last night was a can of tuna mixed with probably a 3/4 C mixture of non-fat and no-salt-added cottage cheese, on top of a bit of raw cabbage & baby spinach, and some roasted kale and baby asparagus (with some olive oil and salt, and TJ's '21-gun-salute' no-salt spice mix... my current new favorite thing).  Mixed it all together and it was very very good!! Thinking the tuna and cottage cheese will be the new tuna and mayonnaise!! :D

I had all bars (5), Parmesan puffs, the white cheddar mini rice cake things, plus the string cheese... all my water, and a large cup of coffee with cream and sugar free chocolate torani syrup in the morning.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Day 116 = A New LOW Number on the scale!!

YAY YAY YAY!!!

April has been the land of the same 4 lbs going up and down, up and down, U P and D O W N... just about driving me crazy!

I started walking this week... since last Friday I've walked 9.06 miles -- YAY ME!! :D

The endorphins make such a difference... I'm also saying a positive affirmation before I go to sleep every night, about how I love waking up early and working up a sweat in the morning... with joy and gratitude, etc... and the last thought I have before going to sleep is a conscious thought ... *I WANT to be fit, I WANT to get up early and welcome the sunrise... I want to get a jump start on my day and be happy and glad about it.*

Cuz really, it is just about changing our mind.

So much easier said than done.
* * *

I had a shift in understanding... I've said, I've read, I've known, I've understood... that putting fitness and exercise, if we really want to change, HAS to be the first priority... above social, above housework... for me it means fitness above chorus and quartet fun and those goals.  If I don't have my health, I won't be able to have the energy and stamina for someday directing a chorus, winning regional quartet contest, learning to arrange music in the barbershop (a cappella - 4-part) style, let alone just standing on the risers for 3 1/2 hours once a week (!).

Somewhere in my molecules, at a core level, I finally reached the point of heart understanding.  You know how sometimes you *know* something, and you understand the concept... your brain totally gets it. But it can be a long, difficult, arduous journey for that thought or concept to travel to your heart... where you 'get it.'

It is sort of a subtle change, I also refer to this as the switch being flipped... something in the inner core of my being changes significantly... and I think it is a direct result of "putting the right thoughts in the right bucket enough times," for that balance of buckets to change... which is what leads me to say it is as simple as changing your mind. But changing our mind is certainly not EASY.  Simple does NOT equal easy. Really and Truly making a change in our life is so very very hard... STAYING and KEEPING UP the changes is hard too. 
* * *

So, I was reminded at my Medifast clinic visit on Wednesday that I'm not supposed to exercise more than 45 minutes per day.  So... walk-running a half-marathon is out of my reach this year.  I'm pretty sure I can't do 13.1 miles in 45 minutes *laughing hysterically at the thought...*

So, I'm going to still do the Gabe Zimmerman triple crown, but the 5K fun walks instead.  I think I'll be able to get to 3 miles in about 45 minutes... especially if I don't take the dog on every single walk with me... The half-marathon will have to wait until I'm in transition and maintenance of Medifast... which, fingers crossed, will be next March!
* * *

Medifast Clinic Visit on Wednesday, April 27th
So..... I'm down 59.4 lbs in 16 weeks... that is an average of 3.7 lbs per week.

I was actually up .8 lbs from two weeks ago when I weighed in... BUT, my inches lost since the last time I 'd been measured was -26.25 for a total inches loss of 82.75!!

and this morning on my home scale, I am down 3 lbs since yesterday's weighing, and 5 lbs since Monday.

I'm over a third of the way to my goal.
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I bought the MF cookbook this last time, as it is time to come up with some different meals.  I wrote down my L&Gs that I've been eating, and it seems I rotate between 9 different things... so I want to add another 9 or 10 to that number, at least so I can get a pretty good rotation going. 
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Himself is recovering nicely from Gallbladder surgery a week ago Monday. The toughest part so far has been the recovering from the hernia repair... that is the part that the Doc said would take two years for it to be really normal.  They put in a wire mesh thingey, and we don't think it is something that will dissolve, but rather, it will be 'grown around' by his body... so the foreign object is what is taking so long to feel 'normal.'
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My last day at work will be today -- going in to clean up some messes that I've left in my "To Do" files, and to finish up the Office Procedures Manual that I started.  The new gal I think will be a great fit for them, and I hope that this relationship lasts for a long time!
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I've been really really busy with just doing the plan, and have missed blogging more regularly about it.  With my priorities sort of newly aligned, daily blogging may be something that doesn't fit within my daily habits right now... but once some of the other responsibilities I have are done and finished, then I'll stick it back in :-)
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I've not done an April picture, so maybe I'll have himself take some photos later today... and then I'll log the numbers of the inches lost on the progress page as well.
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If you're still reading.. thanks!! And I'm so thankful for anyone who stops by and reads... and I ♥ it when someone takes a couple minutes to just say "hi" and leaves me a comment.... *such a subtle hint, no?* 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 112 ~ Up A Pound (!)

Urgh.

I walked 1.32 miles on Friday... and 2.88 miles on Saturday...

I got up at 5:15 am this morning to walk, but instead got caught at the computer. Wanted to go in to work and be there by 8am, but it is 7:52 as I write this, and that doesn't look like it is happening.  I have an appointment at 1pm, and then a chorus board meeting tonight... so it looks like my goals went out the window because I chose it that way.

Gandi said ~ "The future depends on what we do in the present."

I have future quartet and chorus goals... but really, my health has to come first or those goals won't matter.

I was so tired last night, I could have gone to sleep at 8pm, but instead I sat with hubby and watched an episode and a half of "Buffy" -- he's been watching the entire series this weekend... a "Buffy The Vampire Slayer FEST" ~ what a waste of time! But still, 9:30 is early for me ;-)

I'll walk the dog tonight.  For Rascal as much as for me!!
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I spent about an hour mapping my neighborhood walks for mileage... and now have a 2.28 mile route, and a 3.13 mile route planned out... just so I can get mileage in without having to get in the car!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Day 109 ~ Time For A Real Reason To Get Up In The Morning

Well... today I've decided to begin to commence to start (*hee hee*) training for a half-marathon in Tucson in December. I'll be mostly walking/jogging (at least, that is what I believe I'll be doing at this point in my weight loss journey) per Jeff Galloway's  "Run Injury Free" methodology ..... he invented the "Galloway RUN-WALK-RUN™, low mileage, three-day marathoner training schedule [with a] ... 98% success rate." And when I'm in better condition to actually start training, I can download ipod sessions with the intervals all worked out for me. I ♥ Technology. (at least, I ♥ it today... it is a love/hate relationship with technology...) 

Just getting up in the morning to exercise hasn't really been pushing the right buttons to actually *get me to bed on time* and *get my you-know-what* out of my comfy-cozy snooze-fest bed. I know I need another reason that is more specific than "to be in better shape" or "to be fit" or "to lose weight faster."  For me, this would be a HUGE change in my life... and I'm committed to making this goal the number one priority (after sticking on the Medifast Diet 5 and 1 plan!!).

So: Tucson's Marathon (which is a Boston Marathon Qualifier, in case anyone wants to know) is Sunday, December 11, 2011. Holy Moly, I just clicked the "Register" button and it costs $70.00! With a Registration Fee of $4.84 and I have to purchase by the end of June.  I guess I'm just in time to put my feet where my mouth is (and have the money follow). 

Because I'm not in any sort of fitness condition to actually begin a training program... the Jeff Galloway site has an 8-week conditioning program -- I'll be just walking for now... I don't want to start jogging until I'm 25 lbs or less away from my goal weight.  As it is now, I'm 3 lbs from the weight limit on the elliptical we still have in the box... which I'm soooo excited to be so close to putting it together!
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Eating: I'm up .8 lbs -- but still down (?!) if that makes any sense. I wrote out my list of "Tried and True" Lean & Green recipes and posted them on the fridge, (there are 9 of them) -- and over the next couple of days plan to try 4 new ones, and then find/try another 10 for a good rotation of meal options. Having the list on the fridge will hopefully help me write out the grocery list and plan a little better.
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I start training with my new job on May 9th ~ I called the company and received confirmation that yes, I've been accepted as a new hire. I'm relieved, excited, kinda bummed about a real schedule that will have to be followed, but ultimately Very Very thankful, grateful and happy to have a larger paycheck in my future.

This was another reason to simplify my "GET UP EARLY AND EXERCISE" goal ~ if I'm working at 8am and it takes me 20+ minutes to get to work... I really need to start getting up at 5am (at the latest) so I can meet my running buddy nearby (i.e., get dressed and in the car), do the workout, get home, walk the dog, get showered and ready for work and leave with plenty of time. Call Center = No Likey Tardy Peeps.
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I feel good today... I've been feeling really crappy the last couple of weeks -- headaches, shoulder aches, despondent thoughts, spirits down, bored with MF (due to my inability to move past the -54 lb mark, I'm sure...), and frustrated with myself and lack of follow-through with the getting up.

I feel like I've turned over a mental leaf.  I know there are people who are out there keeping me in their thoughts and prayers, and rooting for me... and I'm so thankful and grateful for you ♥.

Happy Good Friday...
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Oh Yeah!!!! ~ One More Thing...

I tried on clothes that haven't fit me for awhile last night, hoping I'd have something "new" for Easter Sunday... and a blouse that really didn't fit when mom bought it for me, which I tried on about a month 1/2 ago and still was too snug... is something I think will be perfect for Easter Sunday!! WOOT!!

A favorite skirt that I've kept for ages fit too! Still a little snug around the waist, but it is a pull over/pull on skirt ~ and just being able to slip it over my head AND back off again without dislocating anything was a major feat! I can't wait to shop and find a couple of tops to go with it :-)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Day 108 ~ how did a week go by?

Hubby had his Gallbladder Surgery on Monday and all went well.
I've apparently passed my intensive background check for a job I'm going for.
My house is a mess.
I'm staying at the same weight... down 2 lbs, but want to be down more.
Still haven't been to the Doc
Still am not getting up early to exercise.
Feeling down on myself about that stuff
Chorus performance yesterday afternoon.
What the hell have I been doing?!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 101 ~ Blood Pressure

So... my blood pressure yesterday at MF Clinic was 101/90.  This is without any Lisinopril w/ diuretic. 

I figured out that the weight gain I had a few weeks ago was because of the lack of diuretic... and that is happening again.  I'm up 4 lbs in two days, but I stopped taking the meds on Sunday because [1] the scrip has run out and I've not gone to the doctor and [2] for the last 3 visits (6 weeks) to the MF Clinic my bp numbers have been extremely low. 

I've not been to the doctor because I want to find a new one... a very childish reason, I feel ~ it isn't really a valid excuse, yet it is the thing that is stopping me from going in.  I've been mad at my doctor's office because I never did receive a call/appointment for my mammogram last year ~ and I mentioned it every time I went in to see them (which, last year, was a total of three times from March '10 to December '10).
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The past two days have been rough ~ and I was finally able to release with tears on my drive home yesterday after dinner while listening to music... just the over-the-top feelings from the weekend (which was fabulous but high-intensity), then coming home to a dirty house, and reminders everywhere of all the things I'm not good at and I want to say I don't care about, but that wouldn't be true... all that anxiety comes out with the tears. What a relief!
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I am really out of my routine ~ and need to get back into it... my life right now just feels out of control.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A Quote for My Medifast Peeps in Chandler

This was the quote I was trying to remember in my session today...

"You'll never regret exercising ~ but you'll feel worse if you skip it."

another good one...

"Self Control is a limited resource and erodes during the day..."

Which is why I need to get to bed now.
* * *

Yesterday was a really hard day.  Coming down from a fantastic weekend to real life... dishes dirty in the sink, laundry needing to be done, floors that need to be swept, vacuumed, mopped... a husband facing surgery on Monday and I'm clueless on how to handle his recovery. Changes coming down the pike and my inner brat totally having a tantrum about it.  Feeling bad, just generally "Not Enough" ~ the emotional crap that doesn't go away... it may diminish for awhile, but that little voice that is constantly telling me that it is all pointless, and to just let it go and be a couch potato, because it really won't matter, and regardless of what I want to do to change will go unnoticed by people closest to me -- that really, I'm not changing and that nothing I do will ever make a difference in sticking with changes... well, yesterday I just wasn't dealing with it well at all. 

I had a couple extra MF 'meals' -- two extra bars, a couple extra snacks, and at 11pm I was finishing about 2 TB of delicious Trader Joe's Almond Flax Butter.  A little Almond Flax Butter Fest, I'd say. And it was delicious.  I didn't eat Reece's Peanut Butter Cups, however. That is a Great Victory!! :D Yay ME!!

Two steps forward, three steps back it feels like, sometimes.

But no, I'm not giving up. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and when I reach the other side, and I will reach the other side ~ I'll be able to look back and remember, and sympathize and empathize with others, and maybe have some words of wisdom that might help them keep on keepin' On.

Day 100!!

Some Pictures of my weekend... more later!