Sunday, May 1, 2011

Day 118 ~ Rough Day

I've hung up laundry from the dryer. I've loaded, washed and unloaded the dishwasher, I've unloaded the dish drying rack.  I've showered and prepared to go out this afternoon.  I've had two MF meals and a snack. Girl Week is starting today. I cried in the shower with the overwhelming feelings of having feelings that are overwhelming.

My life is good. I am so blessed. I am so thankful.

I have an inability to break jobs down into small, manageable tasks, and it is killing me. I read stuff all the time... how to de-clutter. how to organize. how to make labels. how to.. how to... how to...

And yet, no follow through.
* * *

Today is a rough day... full of pointlessness. I really really don't like days like this, and they happen more often than I let on.  I'll put on a good face, and fake it to the public.  But the truth is, I just want to sit and watch HGTV decorating and house hunting shows.  Or... if my desk was clean... play with some modge podge ideas.  Days like today it is hard for me to want to sing, and that is a dark day when I don't seem to find music.

I didn't exercise, but that was planned - I walked 10 miles in 8 days, from essentially nothing... so my body likes and appreciates the break. (Rascal has his opinion, however - ha!)

I'm having a very hard time disengaging from my commitments... and when I say "no more" I feel incredibly, horribly guilty.
* * *

This morning I was doing the "Do Your Values Align With Your Life?" exercise, from Live Bold & Bloom blog, and my top 5, non-negotiable life values (from a HUGE 3-page list) are:
1. Fitness & Health
2. Growth (which I align with words like Knowledge and Learning)
3. Faith (which I align with words like Optimism, Spirituality, Perseverance)
4. Fun (which I align with words like Playfulness, Recreation, Silliness and Humor)
5. Organization (which I aligned with Tidiness)

Number 5 was really hard to determine... I was fighting it the entire time... but I realize that so much of my crappy feelings come from what is, at bottom line, too much crap. Too Much Stuff.  What am I afraid of if I lose it?

side thought: so much of who I am has been defined by telling myself who I'm not. (which is directly related to not being my mom... who reads this blog -- and she'll know which parts I'm fighting, but that she is my rock, and my steadfastness of faith and integrity... so it wouldn't be the worst thing to be more like her!! I ♥ You Mom!) I've fought like a demon not to have a job or career that demands so much energy I don't have time for things I love. . . the weird part being I've never imagined a job or career that I would/could care so much about that I would WANT to devote so much energy to... except music, which -- well, that is another post altogether.

Creativity/Craftiness didn't even make the top 5 - it was on the top 10, however.

Within the Growth value I have put: learning more about music and how to teach it, and organic gardening and herbal remedies (those are the things I want to learn more about)
* * *

I have to leave now, this is by no means resolved... but as the weight is coming off, the other stuff is rising to the top, and I can't (or won't!) eat to cover it up... ugh. Just have to go through it and remember I'm doing the best I can (with what I have, where I am).

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

So sorry you are having a rough day. I hope you feel better soon.