Writing is More About Editing... Yes? Life is about that too.

I don't have a problem writing - it is the "know when to stop" thing that kinda gets in the way. Sticking to a particular theme for this blog has long since gone away - now that I've gained all my weight back (130 lbs), as I'm not focused on 'The One Thing' any longer, any subject is fair game.

Focus is not over-rated. At least not for me. Losing focus hasn't been an advantage.

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically ~ to say NO to other things. And the way to do that is to have a bigger YES burning inside." ~ Stephen Covey

Then I found this blog post about juggling your passions like pots on a stove (and goes as far as keeping other projects in Tupperware in the fridge...) and while I adore the thought that I can do that, I know that it doesn't work as well for me - I have been trying for a long time to do "everything at once" - for lack of better words - and end up feeling entirely too overwhelmed and quitting everything.

So... bringing it in to the title of this post ~ Editing is about choosing what is necessary to be communicated - what is essential within the framework of the project (essay, book, blog post...) that you want to say.  Liken this to life (not a new comparison, I'm sure) and the life you want to live; and minimalism (or, rather simplicity and living with less - a la Courtney Carver and this post which really spoke to me the other day...) Living Intentionally. Being More With Less. Hacking Away at the Unessential. This is my goal. And this road is long, emotionally taxing, simple to say and not-in-any-way easy. I'm spending so much energy on it, that other areas of my life truly suffer.

One thing at a time. A Burning Yes that over-rides all others... Kinda like the "secret to life is one thing" from the movie City Slickers, right...?
I printed out the Zen Things... which sits above my desk, but look at my desk:

The Dissonance between Zen Things & My Desk

It is still better than it has been before, and I give myself "Atta-Girl!"'s because I can actually USE it, but there are 5 things "to do" or "in process and undone" sitting on it.

#1 on the list: "Do one thing at a time" (um, can we say, fail?)

The one thing that should be overriding all of this is losing the excess weight and feeling healthy and fit(ish).  Eating Less of the bad stuff (reading "Why We Get Fat" by Gary Taubes is a good start) so I can physically fit in my Tiny House with just the essential stuff...

My head hurts from thinking about it and going in circles. On the other hand, I do happen to have #8 down perfectly, on the Zen List, however (just in case this post is too depressing) ~ "Devote time to sitting."

I've failed at editing 'the perfect post' - and life is real... it is a real struggle (for me) in making daily choices of priorities. Keeping in mind my own "one thing." It seems to change daily. So many things are racing through my head right now, so I'll edit in as much as I won't go there publicly yet... maybe some journal thoughts first.

Finish the book. Take the Real Estate Test(s). Abstain from Flour, Sugar and Starch.

Okay, not the "Do One Thing At A Time" - but there are 4 burners on my stove, after all...

Attachment

Father's Day, 2014
We just got back from a road trip to Oklahoma to see family there ~ and look at "The Farm" - which I'd been calling "The Property" and was corrected.  Technically, it is property (mostly pastureland) that my sister, brother and I will inherit, and at which current time there is no farming happening... so despite being told to call it 'The Farm' ~ I will continue to call it 'The Property.'

We had a great trip - road tested the new Town & Country Van (2013 Touring Edition), and took along Rascal... overnighted in Albuquerque, and spent 5 nights in Oklahoma City with my dad and step-mom, caught up with my sister and her kids, and generally had a real vacation... doing something totally different than our life here.

* * *

May was busy... new Van, quit American Red Cross, paid for Real Estate School (which begins tomorrow), emptied out the storage unit, so my room is crowded again...

* * *

I have 6 or 7 plastic bins and boxes full of pictures, negatives, journals, calendars etc... to scrapbook from the time I started collecting things about my life.  I've scrapbooked (in the traditional sense) since I knew what it was. I'm still not sure why, exactly - I would make a guess in the area of self-validation. To remember the life I've lived, and to be proud of what I've done (or not done, ha ha). To keep alive memories that may have been buried or forgotten, which I believe are worth remembering.

But my deal with myself is that if, by the end of 2014, these things are not properly scrapbooked, the bins emptied, and the journals read for the timeline and details to "tell the memory book story," then I will let it all go.

Visiting my dad's - he has bookshelves and his computer filled with pictures. Family. Genealogy-type things. It gives us a sense of where we fit in our family, I suppose...? Pride in the hard-working family stock I come from, that is for sure (and where is that in me?). Dad and I didn't have a chance to talk about his ultimate goal for the pictures... what he sees his finished (but what is really a work-in-progress project) product to look like.

I understand that I come by my love of history, family, pictures... very naturally, I see now.

The other thing I came away with from my trip was understanding something dad said about attachment.  He said something about 'being attached makes everything more difficult.' If we could detach ourselves from things (and people, even), then going through life would be much easier.

And this is all just stuff.  these bins of my life, my memories... And why do I want to spend time (precious time) putting my life into order? Who will I leave it for? I don't see anyone wanting my life's memories after I'm dead. And when I think about that, I become sad that I don't have children. Then I think about raising a child today and the political climate, the moral climate, etc... and I'm so relieved I don't have a child to protect.

And life is about now. Right? Remembering we are all connected, we are all part of the human story - regardless of any kind of religious belief or unbelief - we all share this earth, this space, this time. And I believe that building personal relationships that help each other now is more important than the past.

[Side Note: I tend to remember the negative, guilt-inducing, shameful, painful memories of my life, and the pictures/journals give me balance in restoring what delicate sense of self-esteem I have. This is a constant battle for me... keeping the good memories and the painful memories balanced... helping me stay afloat in the sea of depression that threatens to drown me, dragging me into a swirling whirlpool below the surface, where I lose the sunlight and all the colors that keep me optimistic and joyful.]

This turned out to be more post than I intended.

The bottom line: What do I want most to accomplish in this life?

Living in color * Health! * Garden (healing, eating, peaceful, life-force-giving) * Recognition for sharing the talents I've been given (Performance, Teaching) * Creativity * Relationships (spending time, giving time to people) * Building people up, assisting in bringing about Joy & Peace *

Knowing what you don't want...

... is just as important as knowing what you want, if not one of the best ways to figure out what you want... if you're like me... and want it all.

"I want it all
There’s a rise up to the heights
And then a ball
I want it all
Don’t try to tell me that I can’t have my drama
And be a mother who is also a motha’
I wanna know that I can find inside me anyone I need
I wanna be Donna Mckechnie, Donna Summer, Donna Reed
I wanna be Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead
I want it all
I want it all
I want to find a way to break through every wall
I want it all"

[excerpt of lyrics from "I Want It All" from the musical, "Baby"]

The challenge - get rid of enough clutter and "other" so I can focus on what is really important.

There are some blogs, which, after reading, I feel incredibly guilty, depressed and 'not good enough' or 'I'll never attain that' - some of them I have listed on my blog, because I truly need to minimize, simplify and declutter, and they have insight and valuable things to say.

There are other simplification blogs that I follow and adore, which, after reading, I feel inspired and motivated and cheerful and have an "I can do this" feeling.

I want to be the latter kind of blogger.

This blog has been pretty unfocused - unpredictable - and super unorganized. I had hoped that 2013 would be the year that I would be able to reduce... both my size and my stuff. Instead, I traveled to a chorus 2-1/2 hours one-way up the road for 18 months in order to attain a goal I'd set for myself a long time ago. I achieved half of that goal. And have an International Silver Chorus Medal in Sweet Adelines. More and more I realize I can't do it all (anymore), and that 'something's gotta give.'

Scottsdale Chorus ~ Finals Package, Sweet Adelines International Contest & Convention, Honolulu 2013

How is this photo for some serious joy?

That is what the minimizing and decluttering will be about. What has to give. Clearing the spaces so I can think. Decide to do less.  Keep the Joy. Making difficult choices as I "hack away at the unessential." Remembering that this is a journey, and a transition, and it won't happen overnight, and a little bit each day is still a step forward in the right direction. Being kind to myself in the process.

Like Tammy Strobel at rowdykittens, I hope that regular blogging will improve my writing. I also really want to do the "photo a day" because I think that is just cool. And, maybe in the process, I can learn more about what my camera can do and what I can do with a camera. And in taking a photograph of a thing, I can be grateful for the time it was mine to possess, and with love, let it go.

“If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Back from Hawaii...

My brain's kinda scrambled with so many thoughts -- (laugh) -- this isn't different than any other day, I guess.

We won the Silver Medal in Honolulu ~ Scottsdale Chorus earned the red ribbon in Sweet Adelines International contest. Ronninge Show Chorus, from Stockholm, Sweden became the very first International Chorus to win the Gold and they were incredible. Really really fabulous, I'm honored to have shared the stage with them. All the competitors, really... they were all there to do their best, and share the love and joy of singing and harmony.  It was incredible.

The second week in Maui was awesome. We rented a fabulous condo right on the water at Ma'alaea Bay (pictures still being sorted through and downloaded), and had a lovely time just hangin'.

I have a new position within my company, and am happy happy about that. I have some decisions to make about my chorus future ~ and have been praying and talking and thinking and trying to be a grown up and it is difficult. Tucson Desert Harmony chorus will be competing at International in Baltimore next year in the Harmony Classic, and I've paid for my All Events Ticket already. Not sure what next year will look like with my new hours and days off... so *Watch This Space* as they say.

Besides Singing...

Running.

I want to start walking/jogging a la Jeff Galloway. "Run injury free with Jeff Galloway" is his focus, and that is where I want to start. Have to get back to walking again first.

Eating Healthy/ Juicing / Plant-based (Nutritarian a la Dr. Joel Furhman)

Sort of have been not following closely the juicing/veggie focused way of eating, and gained back the 10 pounds I lost.  Hard to lose over the holidays, but I'm committed.

Simplifying.

This is the year. That is all.

Maui Sunset. Last Week. Already planning our second trip back...

Day 292 (Eeek -- How is it almost Halloween?)

240.0 This morning.  4 lbs away on the Medifast Scale from 100 pounds lost.  (Started this journey at 338).

A bit disappointed that I'm hovering around this number for so long. BUT... my love for TJ's Almond Butter with Roasted Flax Seeds and the realization that I'm an abstainer (keep reading)... have contributed, among other regular life things, to being in this holding pattern.

On being an Abstainer (vs. a Moderator) -- Samuel Johnson said:

"Abstinence is as easy to me, as temperance would be difficult."

How I came to this realization: I brought chocolate in for my team at work -- we were having a tough month  [plug here: Please Give Blood... and if you can't, please encourage those who can to do it....], and so for every appointment for a blood donation, they could have a small piece of chocolate. The Halloween candy had just come out, so it was easy to find bite-sized treats.  I was fine resisting until I started on the Dove Dark Chocolate.  Then I had a couple of the bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, then the chocolate kisses.  The final straw came when I bought a bag of Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store, as a final test to see if I could just have the serving size (28 carbs) and leave the rest alone. And at the end of the day the entire bag was gone.  No, it wasn't a huge bag - it was the $1 store... but I've learned, without a doubt, that in these things it is easier for me to say NO altogether, than to be okay with just a few. In other words - this is why I have to say I'm an Abstainer, as I'm not moderate about much in my life... especially food.

Eating out in restaurants... sharing desserts is okay because once it is gone, it is gone -- and 2 or more people have helped. For me to order my own and only eat a few bites, or only eat half of it -- nope, not so much.

The Happiness Project blog is what brought this to my attention, and I'm for sure an "All Er Nuthin'" Girl! Which kills me... because I firmly believe that balance and moderation makes for an easier, fulfilling life... but apparently not for me. And I know I'm not alone... and what a bummer that I struggle with that 'never enough' issue. I'm sure there are some wonderfully deep psychological reasons for it... and perhaps as I continue on this journey this aspect of my personality will change.  In the meantime, limiting my access to 'off plan' food is the only strategy that will work to keep losing
* * *

I took days off this week to clear stuff out of my room... and to listen to the Sweet Adelines International Webcast of International Contest in Houston, Texas that is happening this week.  What a wonderful thing this technology we have (I truly have a love/hate relationship with technology...)

It is such an emotional thing to get rid of stuff. I love George Carlin's comedy routine about stuff -- so true.  I've been collecting books and articles on questions to ask when trying to decide what should go and what should stay.  The most helpful hint I've seen is "If I agonize for too long --> THROW IT OUT!! Don't make the decision whether to toss or keep a difficult one!"  This one helps as I start going through stuff.

December will be my last senior citizen craft class -- I'll give them my ideas for future craft projects, and anything that I may have that I haven't already donated.  I'm sad, but it is also a relief.  Part of discovering who I am again (now that layers of extra weight are gone), is continuing to ask myself what it is I want.  And the answer is always the same - music. My emotions are so strong about music and singing and what I want to be able to do... more on that later.

I've taken a small load of craft supplies to church... and my goal is to get pretty close to having all my scrapbooking supplies fit into one bag - and one bag for the album and pages. My cousin-by-marriage has reduced her scrapping stuff to this, and it just makes so much sense.  Harder will be getting rid of memorabilia I've been saving....  It was more important when I was living in Scotland to scrap. And as I've lost weight I realize that I was scrapping to re-live good times, that it was a way to validate myself and keep my emotions 'up' with the good memories.  I'm living a little more in the now, I think.

I do plan to keep on making cards and stamping...and there is a big cross-over in the supplies that it takes for that and scrapbooking... so it won't all go away (!)
* * *

I need to get back to regular posting... it helps me.  And pictures (though not much has changed in the last month).  I did finally make some muffins from the Medifast pancakes and different muffins from the eggs, shakes, & oatmeal... it has been a nice change to have "toast" with a bit of butter!

This is a weird, disjointed post -- I need some time away from the computer now, so it is what it is. :-)

Lyn at Escape from Obesity on her post today said:

"Goal" is what I am doing right now: learning, experiencing, taking the time I need to become healthier in the long haul. "Goal" is a rich life and self awareness.

 Yes. Amen Sista!!

I'm learning that I may not want everything I thought I wanted. I'm asking myself a lot lately ~ "what do you truly truly want?" and then trying to make decisions accordingly. I've posted my Priority Hierarchy on the bathroom wall... and tonight I'm putting Work/Career ahead of chorus... Big Step.

Be Honest.

Whoa.

But what if what I really want doesn't match up with what other people think is the right thing to want? 

I have to believe that other people have this thought... maybe in different words, though.

What if... what I want makes me appear arrogant, and unapproachable... or snotty? Or worse, un-lovable? What if what I want isn't right? And I pray about not my will but His -- and ask constantly about what direction I should be facing.


And the journey continues.

One More Thought...

"Order is Heaven's First Law." ~ Alexander Pope

I've started with getting my body & health in order... my mind should be following along closely... but I'm not sure about that ~ so I need to pay more attention.

Really getting rid of stuff isn't about the stuff.  I really like Peter Walsh, and am thinking I should take a trip to Bookman's and use my Bookman's Store Credit to see if there are any Peter Walsh books there.

This page on Oprah's site has some good stuff. I really like the last Q/A about completing the cycle... and that we all think we are 8 year olds thinking someone is going to clean up after us.  I'm so very extraordinarily guilty of that... and so is my wonderful himself.

"A lot of clutter is a lack of acceptance that a moment has passed. Maybe someone has kept all her college English papers because she wanted to be a writer, but she never put in the time and energy to make it happen." ~ Peter Walsh

Can we say, "Ah- HA!"

Day 209

What an icky week last week!

Yesterday was MF weigh in day... and I was up 2lbs from the last weigh in ~ still down 86 lbs, however.  On my scale at home in the two weeks between MF weigh ins I was 253 to 247; then I was up two lbs on Saturday morning... after being very careful about what I ate on Friday... I was extremely good, in other words! Then, when I stepped on my scale yesterday morning, I was up 2 flippin' lbs.... So yesterday... I wasn't careful... I had TWO of the really yummy MF bars (Caramel Nut Maintenance Bars with 22 g of carbs each), probably two soy snacks, one bag of the new "Cheese Pizza" Flavored snack meals, and 3 regular bars... with grilled chicken w/ non-fat cheese on a bed of spinach for dinner.  I had one piece of pepperoni picked off a friend's pizza (which I knew wouldn't hurt)... I had a ton of carbonated 'free' water ( http://www.lacroixwater.com ) and didn't have my vitamins. I didn't exercise on Thursday (more on why in a minute).

And today....? DOWN 2 lbs (!?!)

Another lesson on not watching the scales, I suppose... :D

Actually, I'm not really upset, angry or even that frustrated.  Mystified, perhaps *wink wink.* I'm a little frustrated with some other things going on, but the weight loss and my efforts  here are fine.  86 lbs in 30 weeks...not bad!! I'm feeling the trousers I bought not that long ago getting much looser, and clothes that friends are donating to my cause are fitting!  I'm putting some much-loved-and-recently-purchased tops in a bag to donate and give away... so I know I'm still on the right track!!

I do want to hit that 100 lbs in time for the Rockin' Party I'm planning on October 15... so I need to re-focus my energy and efforts and commitment to health each and every day.  Sometimes I let the other stuff take precedence....  For Example:

Chorus ~
Next weekend (August 5th) is the Double Quartet Contest for Region 21 during "Camp Agave" ~ our Summer Educational Seminar weekend in Tempe.  Renee Porzel, Sweet Adeline extraordinaire Showmanship judge, choreographer and Assistant Director to the amazing Melodeers Chorus in the Chicago area is coming to share with us her talents and insights regarding thinking outside the box for character, movement and energy on the risers.  Of course, I'm just as if not more excited about participating/competing the Double Quartet Contest... The group I 'm singing with are all dynamos and really talented (including my own quartet members)... and we're sounding really good.

I'm not sure if we're truly "Golden Banana" worthy... knowing my good friend is working with two other DQs in the Phoenix area and what talent (funny stuff) they're capable of gives me my doubts, but we'll sure be ringing some chords, and THAT is so much fun in and of itself.

That being said, last year's contest seemed to have made some changes to the 'good singing' aspect of the contest... it isn't just about being funny... the most entertaining is the criteria --- and to be entertaining you need to sing pretty darn good!

So... extra rehearsals for DQ have been in my life the past couple of weeks... Regular QT rehearsals and stuff that goes on there... Chorus Rehearsals... Chorus Board Meetings... Chorus Music Team Meetings... and then there's the Show Committee of which I'm a part... Meetings for that... along with things I'm supposed to be doing (I'm doing the program layout, and tickets). I've even dropped some responsibilities, believe it or not!  I'm in charge of putting stuff on the Chorus Website (just a bit longer on that one, as a new web-based communication tool is in the works).

SIDENOTE: As I'm writing today, I'm sitting in the living room easy-couch, hubby is watching TV, and I've got my earphones on, listening to classical music... Mozart, to be specific.  If it has words, I'm easily distracted, so non-word music is best for me when I'm trying to do anything that requires creativity... otherwise I start typing the words I'm hearing in the song.  But right now, the Trio from Cosi Fan Tutte is playing, "Soave sia il vento" -- and reminds me of the time in college when we did scenes from Cosi, and the singing Trio is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. In college we did it in English, and I sang the Mezzo (harmony), and the translation words are really beautiful ~ we ended up singing it for a wedding. Opera: Much more fun to sing than you'd think ;-)  AND -- Mozart's comic operas are a great way to start!

Back to regular blogging:

Other things going on:
Moving of my Craft/Music Studio... still very much in progress.  I'm deeply overwhelmed, at least I was yesterday. Today is better.  Hubby and I were supposed to be going out at 10am to go fishing... it is 10:20 am, I'm dressed and teeth brushed, he's still very much watching mindless tv.  Not sure what we'll do. Normally I'm not in the house on a Sunday, so I hope to do a little more moving of things, or crafting today.  Catching up with a super long blog post (long overdue!) is certainly a good thing :-)

Future Plans:
100 lb party!! I wanted to do something to commemorate this significant milestone ~ something creative with a gathering of people... and himself came up with a great idea! We'll have guests bring X lbs of food (number of guests X number of lbs to = 100 lbs) and we'll load me up with 100 lbs of food, take some pictures, then donate the food to the Tucson Community Food Bank. Cool Idea, dontcha think? :D

So... 14 lbs to go until I've lost 100 lbs.  WOWZA!!!!  Can we say Happy Dancin' Here?!?!?!

Himself also expressed interest in doing MediFast... we need to talk about it some more, and our new treadmill arrived and is set up in the eating area facing the tv -- it has a built in fan & speakers, with a plug for the mp3 player -- and so yay! He has plans to walk 15 minutes in the am, 30 minutes in the pm, building up to eventually an hour 1/2 a day (I think that was his plan).

Work:
Three weeks at the new position... had to do a lot of time on the phones this last week, as lots of our team were out.  I ended up going home early on Wednesday as I felt really shaky, sort of dizzy, and had a weird upper stomach (diaphram-ish area) cramping going on. I think I had too many aspartame mints the day before (was VERY hungry on Tuesday and didn't bring enough water with lemon), and plus it was day one of Girl Week, and I'd not slept very well... all things combined to make me feel just awful.  I came home and slept from 9am until 2pm... then sat around and watched tv and did nothing. Felt ooky... that sort of hollow, empty feeling after you've been sick and are feeling better, but still kind of vacant...? Thursday was 98% improved, and by Friday I was good.

Our team is hopefully having a great weekend and we'll make goal for the month.  We're really really really close!!! The new team manager (whom I work with and report to) is really a good, fair and objective guy, and I think it is showing in the team by our better numbers.

IF (when) we make goal, I promised to make my CONTEST-WINNING lasagna.  Thursday was National Lasagna day (really? July is the month they choose to have a national Lasagna Day??!?!), so the Call Center put up a sign-up sheet to have a "Best Lasagna" contest... my recipe comes from my Aunt Marilyn, and my mom's been making it and receiving loads of compliments since I can remember... so I signed up! I made it in Scotland and people loved it, so I figured it was worth a try... and IT WON!!! WOOT WOOT!!! $25 gift-certificate to the Olive Garden was the prize, which I'm donating to the Chorus Raffle Basket for the Show in November "Flavors of the World" -- yay!!


So... hope anyone who comes over to read is feeling a little caught up on my life! It has been a bit of a ramble through my brain, and hope it mostly makes sense ;-)

I'm still trying VERY hard to remember to think about exercise differently... to make fitness and health challenges met and overcome as rewarding as seeing the scale move down!

Seriously... I need to start working out with the resistance bands in August for my arms. The arm wings are really gross.

We've talked about joining a gym (I really want a pool, and lean toward the YMCA that isn't far away), since himself's work won't be helping to pay for any more home exercise equipment, but they'll contribute to a gym membership.

Day 184 ~ Dog Days o f Summer... is it Cooler Yet?!

Well... I've not walked in two weeks and I really am missing it.  My work schedule is a bit varied: Mon/Thur 9am to 5:30 pm; Tue/Wed 6am to 2:30pm; and Fri 7am to 3:30pm... (!!)  I need to be walking at 5am rather than 6am in order to have enough time to get all the stuff done that I want to get done in the morning as well as walking, and I've not been 'like clockwork' in my rising habits.

That needs to change NOW.

I was up at 5am this morning (in bed by 11pm) as a friend is coming over to help me talk through what my craft/music studio/room set up needs to be.  My house is in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome -- from FLYlady) and so before she gets here I wanted to at least get the first layer of dog hair and dust cleaned up... and looky here, I'm blogging ;-) Can we say PRO-CRAS-TIN-ATE?!?! *lol*

I will vacuum and dust when this is done... the new craft room is coming along --- but right now it is in that 'in between' time where there is just stuff everywhere, and no place to put it. Overwhelming is just the first word to describe it.  Having someone to help me talk through what I need has helped tremendously in the past... and this friend is a 'do-er' -- she is a 'get 'er done gal' and extremely practical, so while I'm not as prepared for her visit as I was hoping to be, I think today will be a productive day and see results!
* * *

Eating wise I had a not-so-hot week... stayed the same because I wasn't getting up early enough to make decent dinners... not walking and just kind of eating on the fly. Because Medifast is a program that is so convenient, I have to keep up and maintain the good habits I'm learning forever... I let the health/weight loss priority slip and come up to number 3 or 4 at times this past week, and it shows on the scale.

Last night I finally cooked a real dinner (grilled chicken with my normal salad.. which is delicious!), but went overboard with the grilled veggies and spinach/romaine combination.  I hadn't cooked or fixed a lean and green all week... I was eating celery with TJs Almond Butter w/ Flax Seeds (this stuff is awesome), I picked up some really good seasoned roast beef from TJs, with some string cheese, and with the celery ate that one night... I think one night I had tuna/cottage cheese on my spinach/romaine combo, which was good... but most nights this week I just ate an extra one or two MF meals and that was it.  Not Good!!
* * *

I was out three nights with chorus stuff, and this month is gonna be chock-full again... a really fun weekend in August is coming up, but it requires extra rehearsals with a small group... and trying to get 8 busy women together is incredibly challenging.

I feel a little as if I'm doing 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.... 2 steps forward.... no movement.... 1 step back.... staying focused when there are so many things that distract me is certainly challenging.  I have to remind myself that I won't be able to do all those other things if I don't change my lifestyle... and the success I've had so far kind of lulls me into a sense of complacency.  I still have 50+ lbs to lose, but am feeling so incredibly good that perhaps I've lost a bit of momentum...?

I've let go of a few responsibilities, but now have new responsibilities at work, which I am enjoying right now... early days yet, but I really like my new manager (he has an extremely dry sense of humor, which reminds me of my uncle and lots of family :-), and being more of a coach and cheerleader for a new team seems to be working.

Rambling... that is what this post is doing... all over the place in my little brain this morning!

Time to stop procrastinating and start running the vaccum, now that it is almost 7am. 

Here's to a week that finds me back with the right focus and priorities!

Day 177 ~ 80 lbs DOWN!!!

Wow.

I can't believe I've come this far. I have to try on clothes now to see if they're going to fit -- whereas I just guessed before because it really didn't matter.  Big and loose was my criteria -- now I have to worry about what it actually fits like.

Shopping is becoming fun again... it has been A LONG time since I enjoyed going clothes shopping.  I still can't buy a lot, because I don't know what the final number/size will be ~ but there are certain things I can get that don't really matter -- things with drawstrings around the waist, for instance.
* * *

I finished the first week of work with my NEW PROMOTION!! WOOT!!! I think I'm gonna like it here.... I'm plagued with the normal self-doubts and general lack-of-knowledge and there are a lot more numbers than I anticipated (keeping track of agents' stats - CPH, APH, PROD, Efficiency, Testable, Show Rate....). 

Thursday, one of my new team members brought in 5 pans of home-made German Chocolate Frosted Brownies.... (?!?)  and gave me one of the pans.... OMG!!!

But, guess what? I wasn't even really tempted.  I was curious as to what they tasted like, but they did have huge chunky walnuts (not a fan of chunky walnuts... more of a pecan/almond/cashew/pistachio/peanut fan), so wasn't overly curious.  When I dished up a big plate for himself, I managed to sneak 1/4-of a fingernail taste of the frosting and it was TOO SWEET!! Hallelujah!!
* * *

Chorus and quartet have been really really busy... show planning for the chorus (November 12 is the date), singing gigs for the quartet ($$), and trying to get my craft room moved into the new room... plus it has heated up tremendously in the past week -- so of course, while I'm not feeling the heat like I used to, it is still 110 in the shade and makes me just want to sit like a lump in my recliner with the air blowing over me!

Plus the new job responsibilities... a changing schedule and normal "life" -- and things have been a bit busy.
* * *

Spent this afternoon with a wonderful, dear friend, who has discovered the joy and magic of theatre and acting ~ and we had a really good talk about passion, balance, choice and perspective at Starbucks over a course of 3 hours.  It was awesome!

An added bonus... I was turned away from the door when she came in -- I'd arrived about 10 minutes earlier, had our seats picked out and was putting my goodies in my iced Americano -- I turned around and she had not realized I was there already and thought she was there first and was looking for a table.  When I turned around her face was just lit up with surprise and love and pleasure for me.  She made me cry with compliments -- and that is how close to the surface I've been all day. Incredibly thankful and blessed.
* * *

I didn't walk this week because of the unknown schedule, but I think that will even out a little and I'm planning to add a third day in.  So far my buddy and I have been walking 3.1 miles 2X a week -- which takes just about an hour.  My 3rd day to add I'll keep to about 30-45 minutes, I think -- and we may be taking it inside the mall until the weather cools down -- we'll see.
* * *

I'm feeling good right now. So Grateful for my step-father, my mother, my dad, and my husband... along with my buddies on Facebook who are so supportive of my efforts of losing weight and just so encouraging... along with my wonderful lovely quartet friends, and of course, my Sweet Adeline friends.  I can't wait to see a bunch of them in August and perhaps have more than one of them not recognize me in my new skin.

I know I have to remember this elation now and forever, as once maintenance hits and there aren't any more accolades about how fantastic it is that I've been able to do so well (etc...), I'll need to keep myself motivated and remember these happy, glad and joyful feelings... and that it is ALL part of the journey... even when this is no longer new.

I'm not doing it for the compliments. I'm doing it for the life I want to live. To sing better. To have energy. To be reasonably fit. To meet others who have healthy goals and habits. For the Health of it!

Day 118 ~ Rough Day

I've hung up laundry from the dryer. I've loaded, washed and unloaded the dishwasher, I've unloaded the dish drying rack.  I've showered and prepared to go out this afternoon.  I've had two MF meals and a snack. Girl Week is starting today. I cried in the shower with the overwhelming feelings of having feelings that are overwhelming.

My life is good. I am so blessed. I am so thankful.

I have an inability to break jobs down into small, manageable tasks, and it is killing me. I read stuff all the time... how to de-clutter. how to organize. how to make labels. how to.. how to... how to...

And yet, no follow through.

* * *

Today is a rough day... full of pointlessness. I really really don't like days like this, and they happen more often than I let on.  I'll put on a good face, and fake it to the public.  But the truth is, I just want to sit and watch HGTV decorating and house hunting shows.  Or... if my desk was clean... play with some modge podge ideas.  Days like today it is hard for me to want to sing, and that is a dark day when I don't seem to find music.

I didn't exercise, but that was planned - I walked 10 miles in 8 days, from essentially nothing... so my body likes and appreciates the break. (Rascal has his opinion, however - ha!)

I'm having a very hard time disengaging from my commitments... and when I say "no more" I feel incredibly, horribly guilty.

* * *

This morning I was doing the "Do Your Values Align With Your Life?" exercise, from Live Bold & Bloom blog, and my top 5, non-negotiable life values (from a HUGE 3-page list) are:

1. Fitness & Health
2. Growth (which I align with words like Knowledge and Learning)
3. Faith (which I align with words like Optimism, Spirituality, Perseverance)
4. Fun (which I align with words like Playfulness, Recreation, Silliness and Humor)
5. Organization (which I aligned with Tidiness)

Number 5 was really hard to determine... I was fighting it the entire time... but I realize that so much of my crappy feelings come from what is, at bottom line, too much crap. Too Much Stuff.  What am I afraid of if I lose it?

side thought: so much of who I am has been defined by telling myself who I'm not. (which is directly related to not being my mom... who reads this blog -- and she'll know which parts I'm fighting, but that she is my rock, and my steadfastness of faith and integrity... so it wouldn't be the worst thing to be more like her!! I ♥ You Mom!) I've fought like a demon not to have a job or career that demands so much energy I don't have time for things I love. . . the weird part being I've never imagined a job or career that I would/could care so much about that I would WANT to devote so much energy to... except music, which -- well, that is another post altogether.

Creativity/Craftiness didn't even make the top 5 - it was on the top 10, however.

Within the Growth value I have put: learning more about music and how to teach it, and organic gardening and herbal remedies (those are the things I want to learn more about)
* * *

I have to leave now, this is by no means resolved... but as the weight is coming off, the other stuff is rising to the top, and I can't (or won't!) eat to cover it up... ugh. Just have to go through it and remember I'm doing the best I can (with what I have, where I am).

Day 116 = A New LOW Number on the scale!!

YAY YAY YAY!!!

April has been the land of the same 4 lbs going up and down, up and down, U P and D O W N... just about driving me crazy!

I started walking this week... since last Friday I've walked 9.06 miles -- YAY ME!! :D

The endorphins make such a difference... I'm also saying a positive affirmation before I go to sleep every night, about how I love waking up early and working up a sweat in the morning... with joy and gratitude, etc... and the last thought I have before going to sleep is a conscious thought ... *I WANT to be fit, I WANT to get up early and welcome the sunrise... I want to get a jump start on my day and be happy and glad about it.*

Cuz really, it is just about changing our mind.

So much easier said than done.
* * *

I had a shift in understanding... I've said, I've read, I've known, I've understood... that putting fitness and exercise, if we really want to change, HAS to be the first priority... above social, above housework... for me it means fitness above chorus and quartet fun and those goals.  If I don't have my health, I won't be able to have the energy and stamina for someday directing a chorus, winning regional quartet contest, learning to arrange music in the barbershop (a cappella - 4-part) style, let alone just standing on the risers for 3 1/2 hours once a week (!).

Somewhere in my molecules, at a core level, I finally reached the point of heart understanding.  You know how sometimes you *know* something, and you understand the concept... your brain totally gets it. But it can be a long, difficult, arduous journey for that thought or concept to travel to your heart... where you 'get it.'

It is sort of a subtle change, I also refer to this as the switch being flipped... something in the inner core of my being changes significantly... and I think it is a direct result of "putting the right thoughts in the right bucket enough times," for that balance of buckets to change... which is what leads me to say it is as simple as changing your mind. But changing our mind is certainly not EASY.  Simple does NOT equal easy. Really and Truly making a change in our life is so very very hard... STAYING and KEEPING UP the changes is hard too. 
* * *

So, I was reminded at my Medifast clinic visit on Wednesday that I'm not supposed to exercise more than 45 minutes per day.  So... walk-running a half-marathon is out of my reach this year.  I'm pretty sure I can't do 13.1 miles in 45 minutes *laughing hysterically at the thought...*

So, I'm going to still do the Gabe Zimmerman triple crown, but the 5K fun walks instead.  I think I'll be able to get to 3 miles in about 45 minutes... especially if I don't take the dog on every single walk with me... The half-marathon will have to wait until I'm in transition and maintenance of Medifast... which, fingers crossed, will be next March!
* * *

Medifast Clinic Visit on Wednesday, April 27th
So..... I'm down 59.4 lbs in 16 weeks... that is an average of 3.7 lbs per week.

I was actually up .8 lbs from two weeks ago when I weighed in... BUT, my inches lost since the last time I 'd been measured was -26.25 for a total inches loss of 82.75!!

and this morning on my home scale, I am down 3 lbs since yesterday's weighing, and 5 lbs since Monday.

I'm over a third of the way to my goal.
* * *

I bought the MF cookbook this last time, as it is time to come up with some different meals.  I wrote down my L&Gs that I've been eating, and it seems I rotate between 9 different things... so I want to add another 9 or 10 to that number, at least so I can get a pretty good rotation going. 
* * *

Himself is recovering nicely from Gallbladder surgery a week ago Monday. The toughest part so far has been the recovering from the hernia repair... that is the part that the Doc said would take two years for it to be really normal.  They put in a wire mesh thingey, and we don't think it is something that will dissolve, but rather, it will be 'grown around' by his body... so the foreign object is what is taking so long to feel 'normal.'
* * *

My last day at work will be today -- going in to clean up some messes that I've left in my "To Do" files, and to finish up the Office Procedures Manual that I started.  The new gal I think will be a great fit for them, and I hope that this relationship lasts for a long time!
* * *

I've been really really busy with just doing the plan, and have missed blogging more regularly about it.  With my priorities sort of newly aligned, daily blogging may be something that doesn't fit within my daily habits right now... but once some of the other responsibilities I have are done and finished, then I'll stick it back in :-)
* * *

I've not done an April picture, so maybe I'll have himself take some photos later today... and then I'll log the numbers of the inches lost on the progress page as well.
* * *

If you're still reading.. thanks!! And I'm so thankful for anyone who stops by and reads... and I ♥ it when someone takes a couple minutes to just say "hi" and leaves me a comment.... *such a subtle hint, no?* 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Day 112 ~ Up A Pound (!)

Urgh.

I walked 1.32 miles on Friday... and 2.88 miles on Saturday...

I got up at 5:15 am this morning to walk, but instead got caught at the computer. Wanted to go in to work and be there by 8am, but it is 7:52 as I write this, and that doesn't look like it is happening.  I have an appointment at 1pm, and then a chorus board meeting tonight... so it looks like my goals went out the window because I chose it that way.

Gandi said ~ "The future depends on what we do in the present."

I have future quartet and chorus goals... but really, my health has to come first or those goals won't matter.

I was so tired last night, I could have gone to sleep at 8pm, but instead I sat with hubby and watched an episode and a half of "Buffy" -- he's been watching the entire series this weekend... a "Buffy The Vampire Slayer FEST" ~ what a waste of time! But still, 9:30 is early for me ;-)

I'll walk the dog tonight.  For Rascal as much as for me!!
* * *

I spent about an hour mapping my neighborhood walks for mileage... and now have a 2.28 mile route, and a 3.13 mile route planned out... just so I can get mileage in without having to get in the car!

Day 54 ~ Yesterday was difficult

I was nibbly and munchy almost all day yesterday -- I was out of the house in the afternoon, which helped, but when I got home it was a big struggle.  I kept thinking about Jack in the Box tacos (not for human consumption but I LOVE THEM!)

So, for my own health reference ~ Nutrition Info for Jack in the Box Tacos (2):
Calories: 386
Calories from fat: 203
Total Fat: 22
Saturated: 6
Trans: 1
Cholesterol: 27 mg
Potassium: 406 mg
Sodium: 617 mg
Carbs: 34 g
Dietary Fiber: 3 g
Sugars: 5 g
Protein: 12 g

Here is the Nutritional Guide for Jack's, which has the ingredient list for all menu items... Tacos have quite a bit of soy, and MSG - which I don't have an issue with, but I'm hearing about links to obesity & autism with it in our foods.  MSGTruth.org seems to be a site that has quite a bit of non-inflammatory information (if you know what I mean, the content and site design are not over the top).

Two hours later, I've read almost everything on the MSGTruthout site, and think it is well worth the time.

My new habit in May/June will be Square Foot Gardening... and when I'm done with MF, I'll be a juicer.

And I hadn't heard about Max Gerson and his cancer therapy through diet (nope, hadn't even heard about the coffee enemas...).  So on my viewing list: The Beautiful Truth and Dying To Have Known... just to see what that is all about. 
* * * * *

As someone who lives an "Ostrich" life (stick my head in the ground and ignore any danger and it goes away, right?), I believe that there is some truth to accusations made that the Mighty American Dollar (profits!) is the bottom line cause for so many issues ~ and that most of us don't really educate and inform ourselves on some of these topics (for whatever reasons) regarding what is being put into our food and water supply. At least, I have been so guilty.

Genetically Modified Foods... who knows what the ramifications of it will be down the line (of course, when the world ends in 2012 it won't matter... *sly wink*), and I think there is more information to be learned on it.

Food. Clothing. Shelter.
Everything else is just that - everything else.

I'm not a radical about anything, my view is balance (harmony ♪ ♫) is what we should be striving for... balanced profit, balanced living, balanced eating, balanced work and play... and based on our individual need.  Like all diets are not for everyone -- lifestyle and choices of where we put our energy are not the same for everyone -- but should balance out in the end -- over the scope of a timeline.

Right now, I'm not in balance with eating because I was so far out of balance for so many years: in overeating and eating when I wasn't hungry and eating to disguise emotions.  I now am having to cut way back and a part of me is really bothered by the amount of processed 'diet' food I'm consuming -- but I brought myself to this place; and if it takes however long to be on this 'lack' side of the eating pendulum... well, okay then! I accept it. I accept my responsibility in getting to this point, and now suffer the consequences of eating a 800-1,000 calories a day with no fruit.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm so INCREDIBLY thankful that I'm in the process of losing the excess. When MF ends, I will be back in balance, and am doing things NOW to help keep that balance when I go back to 'normal' - whatever that is.

Being so focused on this for two months is really really. r e a l l y ! cool.

I'm incredibly blessed, and incredibly thankful.