Friday, December 30, 2011

Happy Faces Pretending... All the While Attacking Ourselves with Words We'd Never Dream of Saying to Anyone Else...

Love this from Ellen over at "Fat Girl Wearing Thing" about 'Ditch the Weight; Lose the Hate' challenge 2012.

She says this...

Have you ever noticed that the tools needed to repair ourselves on the outside are plentiful and readily available?  They come in the form of diets, exercise equipment, menu plans, gyms, diet aids, gadgets, specialized shoes and clothing – you name it.  We can’t hide our weight from others and that too becomes a motivator.  But feelings of regret, hopelessness, fear, humiliation, anger, self ridicule and belittlement are so much easier to hide; to pretend they don’t exist.  The tools we need to fix those areas of our lives aren’t so readily available.  So, we put on happy faces and pretend that we don’t mentally and emotionally attack ourselves with words we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. 

I put in red the part that really really called me out. So many things going through my mind right now about the close of another year... another great post from Ellen is about Reflecting on the past year and seeing what we have achieved.  Yes, I've lost 100 lbs. I am not done, but right now am acting as if I were... what the hell? And when I look at these reflection questions and answers, I just feel like I'm not enough... there's so much more to do and to improve upon. And the overwhelm begins. And the 'why bother?' creeps in, and I've not even noticed it until there's a big, cold draft in my supposedly safe and warm and loving spirit.

We all have to find our own way... we ask others, we consult, we research.  We ponder, we discuss, we have coffee and perhaps even some chocolate. We feel guilty, we feel success... often I feel those in the same instant. We vent. We Try... we might fail - sometimes we prosper. We grow... or at least we think we are growing. We hope perhaps *this* will help... or maybe *that* -- a new calendar, a new motivational statement... a new mantra... a new friend...but it is only when I realize that I. am. enough. that the spiralling self-destructive thought pattern is disrupted.

I believe in God. A Creator - who created me exactly as I am meant to be. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to improve on - that is part of the challenge (and what I believe to be part of the meaning) of life. I have so much trouble remembering on a daily, constant basis that part of the journey is making mistakes, and accepting yourself anyway; falling down, and getting up again; learning the hard way, and yet still forgiving yourself.

All so much easier said (and written) than done (and lived). I have to keep reminding myself that I Am Enough.
I am good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Friendly enough. Loving enough. Thoughtful enough. Detached enough. Emotional enough. Disciplined enough. Tough enough. Soft enough. Opinionated enough. Self-reliant enough. Savvy enough. Humble enough. Intelligent enough. Reading enough. Watching enough. Thankful enough. Inspired enough. Planning enough. Sleeping enough (ha ha!). Aware enough. Eating enough. Exercising enough. Thinking enough. Writing enough. Daydreaming enough. Walking enough. Cooking enough. Cleaning enough. Singing enough. Praying enough (never enough of this, I'm afraid). Grateful enough.

Enough starts to look misspelled after awhile.


Enough is enough.

1 comment:

fatgirlwearingthin said...

One of the best self-reflective posts I've ever read. You write beautifully and are tuned in to EXACTLY what it is I'm trying to achieve with this challenge. Keep up the fantastic work, and together we may just knock all these poisonous thoughts about ourselves right out of the water - for good!