Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 232

[Interesting side note: I'm very close to the number of days on Medifast equaling the number of pounds I currently weigh. Cool Huh?]

I'm 6 lbs away from being able to say "I've lost 100 pounds!!!" with a big HUGE happy grin on my face.

And then... when I sit with it for awhile, the enormity of this milestone overwhelms me.

How did I get to a point in my life where I needed to lose over 100 lbs?

I went to a Montessori pre-school, and I remember one of the teachers (I used to remember his name) was big on taking responsibility.  The toys in his classroom were in much nicer condition, the books were not colored or scribbled in, and the kids there seemed more mature somehow (yes, things I noticed at age 3 and/or 4). I got to his class eventually... it felt as if it was a reward, a recognition of something, once you were able to be in his class. Responsibility seems to be something with which I struggle. A lot. Constantly.

As an only child, I was responsible. There wasn't anyone else to blame if something was wrong, or broken. 

Until 2007, in my work life, I absolutely refused to take on any kind of job or career that involved too much responsibility. Perhaps I was so busy feeling responsible for things that were, in reality, beyond actually being my responsibility... that this could be one reason why I stayed in jobs that required less.

Combine this with perfectionism... and that produced a lot of stuffed down resentment and anger at things...  pile on a serious People Pleasing drive ~ wanting (needing?) everyone to like me...

Then throw this ingredient into this emotional stew: I didn't say what I wanted (half the time because I didn't really know), and buried those "ugly" feelings that might cause people be get upset [can we say control issues?].

And the final little ingredient, a spice, really... I avoid confrontation. 

Eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted to eat it... that became a way to rebel, I think. Rebel against all the "good" and "nice" I was being on the outside, not having enough courage to stand up for myself verbally, and caring WAY too much about what other people were thinking of me.

I'm glad I'm coming out the other side... it sure feels a helluva lot better!!

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