Monday, December 31, 2012

Life is just restarting... a constant turn over

‘All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.’~ Anatole France

Changing my mind. Simple, not easy.

I don't like to exercise. I don't like getting up early. And yet I've been trying so hard to incorporate these changes in my life because I know how important being healthy is... and how much easier my life was 30 lbs ago (!) My knees hurt. My back is killing me right now.  And while I'm still down more weight than I've gained back... it won't be for long if I keep heading down this destructive path.

I want to Change My Mind about how I Feel about those things. Or Better... take the Feelings out of the equation.

Letting go of anything makes me sad...  and... there is much fear in me... fearing whatever it means for me to let go.
(ask yourself, "what is the worst thing that could happen? Is the worst thing something you can life with?")
The answer is "Nothing Tragic!"

If I don't get the music on my mini-disc player onto itunes, the worst thing that will happen is
I won't hear some favorite songs. Ever again. John McGrath, namely.
Yes, and....? 
And then I'll be sad for awhile, but life will go on, and the mourning will end.
Yes, and....?
Maybe I just need to get that recording on itunes, not all 20+ mini discs...

If I get rid of the hundreds of rubber stamps and stamping supplies?
I will have wasted hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars.
Yes, and.....? 
And I'll beat myself up in my head forever, cuz that is what I do.
Yes, and....? 
God forgives you, and who in the hell do you think you are that you can't forgive what God can and does?

I'll survive. Why (oh why?!) does it feel like I'm ripping myself out of myself?
* * *

Things I value.

Healthy Eating & Fitness (and learning more)

Singing & Performing (and learning more)

Anything else is a distraction from these two things.
* * *

The thought of letting go is terrifying. The thought of how much money I've spent on things I don't use, don't read, don't spend time on... puts me in dark, sad places of despair in my mind... Regret, Guilt... you know, all those really helpful and productive feelings (!ha!).

And the Merry-Go-Round that is my mind continues on. I've had a-ha moments... I've had days of feeling ready and strong... Found amazing quotes that inspire me... but the secret ingredient dies out so quickly.  That is where the discipline comes in. Right? I so lack certain kinds of discipline... especially when it comes to routine and doing something when I don't "Feel" like doing it.

Set the timer. 
"Put on your big girl pants and do it."

Bring it on, 2013. I'll survive, and Lord Willing, will Thrive.

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