Saturday, June 23, 2012

Off Track... What Track?

Ouch. It has been a long time.

244 today.

Lots of Chocolate lately.  Better the last few days.

Walked on the treadmill twice this week... very proud.

It is now 9pm and I need to head to bed... so I can get early and walk.

For some reason, with my huge new monitor, and now with MSOffice 7, and my eyes older, the print is smaller on the blog. Kinda irks me. Not sure if I care enough to try and fix it.

To be honest... I'm getting a little tired of the technology. :-P  I like paper to read things off of, and I care about trees, but still need things on paper. Printed Out. On Paper. From Trees.

I'm pretty sure I need to get my eyes checked -- have had quite a few headaches lately, and think it is eye strain (cheap-o readers help me read my phone... uh -oh!).

It has been a rough time that I haven't felt like sharing with the world lately...

I'm extremely afraid of gaining back 100 lbs.
A Huge Amount of FEAR. Anxiety. Dread. Feelings everywhere... that keeping it off, maintaining, and making fitness a larger part of my life -- all of that is impossible.  I know it is a matter of changing my mind, and that is the slow, maddeningly slow, process of change. At least, I hope I'm changing. It doesn't feel like I'm any different on the inside.

I worry so much about things that I have no control over. Ha. Really.... like I have control over anything, really. Work has been rather frustrating - a lot of new stuff coming down, and I feel helpless when I don't know the answers to questions I don't even really know exist.  Then I get unreasonably angry, then I feel bad for being angry, and then that goes inward, and ooooh boy does the chocolate taste delicious.

So hard on myself. Have to remember that I'm enough. A work in progress. One Day At A Time.

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