Monday, March 21, 2011

Day 77 -- A Little Backsliding - Bah!

I ate dinner at 10:00 pm last -- didn't think I ate anything over limits ~ was up a pound this morning! Yesterday was somewhat active with the singing last night -- Saturday was a very active day with standing up and singing, and walking... and here I am playing with one pound again (!)

I guess this is the consequence of weighing every day. But I'm not to a place of confidence yet... I guess this is a confidence in myself.

I'm feeling good about myself with the eating, so I find other things to berate myself over. This is kind of one of those things I have been afraid of when the time came and I started losing weight ~ other "defects" (for the lack of a kinder word) would show up and become more obvious.  Maybe only more obvious to me, I realize, but beating myself up for not being perfect about eating and taking an active role in becoming healthier has always been an ACTIVE thing... getting up earlier (still not going to bed early enough 5 days a week out of 7) is a physical thing (like eating and exercise)... the ACT of these changes doesn't have to be a big mind game.

I think what I mean by that is that I knew that one day - some how - some way - the day would come when changes would be made and I would be on this weight loss journey.  I would then be ACTIVE in making changes - making physical choices in exercising and eating less and eating better.

Procrastination... or ~ allowing the inner brat to win most of the battles that go on in my mind... this is the issue that is underneath it all ~ and as the layers of fat cells decrease, the more this underlying mass of mind mess reveals itself.

I tend to focus on the good and positive things that are going on as a way of avoidance.  To be optimistic and cheerful, rather than dour and negative is just such a more pleasant way to feel.  Sometimes, I think, however, that I need to spend a carefully monitored amount of time (i.e., set the timer for 30 minutes or something) and GO THERE and feel those not-so-happy feelings. Then forgive myself and the situation (and/or the players in the situation that I may be feeling sour toward) and move forward.

hmmmmm.... now I have a weird feeling in my stomach.... a feeling of un-named dread.

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