As Usual...

... I'm making what I think should be a joyful process of discovery into something much more complicated. This is what we get for having preconceived ideas, I guess.  Each of our processes is different... give myself some grace.

And yet....I keep coming to the same conclusions... and that just hacks me off.

I want to do it all.

Right now.

Instantly.

No Process, thank you. Instant Gratification Only -- (says the inner 6 year-old stamping her foot.)
* * *

Some good things have come out of this most recent mind-f***.
I think. 

Definitely some clarification after the massive ball of hurt and pain recedes.

Why oh WHY does it have to hurt to grow?  Do we hear the plants moaning and groaning as they make their way from seed to sprout to flower? Nooooo.... just us whiny humans.

hrmph.

end of whining (for today).
* * *

Anything that distracts me from Health & Fitness and Music (singing) is distraction.

I'm considering thoroughly what brings me ACTUAL happiness, not things that I think make me happy... if you think about it, there are definite differences between the two ideas.

ACTUALLY HAPPY LIST:

• Having a pet (dog!)
• Spending time with people who love me in the way I want (need?) to be loved.
• Spending time with people I love.
• Singing/Performing in a quartet (small group?). A good group. With people I have fun with.
• Performing theatrics with an ensemble (stage/theatre, chorus, quartet)
• Giving (giving cards, giving hand-made items, seeing things that I think people would like and getting it for them...)
• Looking at photograph albums/memory books
• Teaching/Sharing things I know with others who are interested in it.
• Labelled Things. I love labelling and "Being Organized." With lots of colors - paper and pens.
• Pizza
• Cookies

The I-THINK-IT-MAKES-ME-HAPPY-BUT-IT-ONLY-REALLY-BRINGS-ME-STRESS LIST:

• Making cards (fun, and I like doing it once in awhile, on a small scale, but will keep 5 sets, music and celtic and some meaningful quotes/sayings, some pre-folded cards and envelopes, and some colored paper... and a few other tools, but will pare down considerably!)
• Scrapbooking (in the way I have... photos and looking at albums with stories/journalling brings me actual happiness, so I need to pare down the 'tools' and get back to basics!)
• DIY - Doing It Yourself. Love looking at things people can do, love to think "I can do that!" (and I can), but the realistic-actually-DOING-it-part... ummmm.... not so much. I'm talking painting, decorating, hanging stuff on the walls, creating my personal space... I like the *idea* but not the follow-through.
• Being part of "the inside group" - be it the "Management Team" or "The Board" or "The XYZ Group"... I like being 'in the know' but not on the inside.

 * * *

HACK AWAY AT THE UNESSENTIAL.

PERFECT IS THE ENEMY OF GOOD.

ANYTHING THAT DISTRACTS ME FROM HEALTH & FITNESS and SINGING/MAKING MUSIC/IMPROVING MY CRAFT IS DISTRACTION.

* * *

I like the photo a day thing - I find it is helping with some of the clarifying. I don't have to do every. single. day.

I will try, and I will falter. And that is okay.

Prompt for today was "T" ~ so I thought of representing my Bravvo Productions Tour! 1992, a small van carried 4 people and pulled a trailer and we sang and danced and improv'd our way up and down the east coast from Key Largo to Boston. Best decision I ever made was to quit my job and do this for 3 months. Money was awful, but the experience was fabulous. Can't believe it was 21 years ago!

* * *
So.... new habits on the horizon.
Decrease is the word.
Goal: To Live My Passion
Action.

Sleep

I love sleep. But it eludes me. Went to be early - woke up at 1am... finally got up at 2:55 am.  Surfing the 'net... cried some. Sifting through priorities and what is important. Gah!

So I'll post the photos from Photo-A-Day Challenge:

Day 5 ~ "Movement"

Rascal jumping up for a treat!

Day 6 ~ "Mine"

My "Likes" ~ scrapbooking (pages open to performing... Musical Theatre
"Quilters" and performing with my barbershop quartet), Music quotes,
Music fabric, Natural Health & Healing book, book about God and finding Faith, Self-help (combating negative thinking), Modge Podge (crafts), card-making (music-themed stamps and a hand-made 'thank you' card), orange & pink sparkly items, dog cookies, black & white journal, Fun & Funky Lava Lamp, reminder that we are the sum of our experiences... all that we have done leads us up to today.

* * *

Thankful
I'm thankful for a warm bed.
* * *

Action
Didn't do much action today. Lots of taking in information, but not acting on it. Which leads to the tears. I did read more "Running for Mortals" before going to sleep.

I also started reading about why I feel so compelled to find and make a living at my passion.
* * *

Decrease
Didn't decrease anything yesterday. Not good. Want to keep to a schedule/routine with this... to continuously act on the de-cluttering/simplifying process. Though, it is a process, and putting pressure on myself to get it done as fast as possible only causes more paralyzing un-action. Ease up.
* * *

I was reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" today - really like her stuff -- and her simple but insightful advice that got me thinking was, "Do what you do."

It goes with the thought that not everyone finds enjoyable what I find enjoyable... build on that. Knowing ourselves is key to focusing on our passion.

At the same time, I know that getting outside ourselves is also key to bringing joy to our own lives. Doing something for someone else is the fastest way to lift depression. Again with that word: Action.

Action vs Distraction

I put in my Gratitude Jar today ... "I am thankful for the internet (and all that it has exposed me to)."

I met my husband online, of course... he's one major thing I'm thankful for. But besides himself, I was thinking about all the sub-cultures that now have a voice and an audience because of the internet.  And that some people are incredible visionaries... and that they take action on their vision.

* * *

This year I will take action on a vision. As of yet this vision is blurry. It is brightly-colored, and full of glitter and glistening dew in the morning... it is being looked at through a filter, which makes it very soft-focused.  I spent some time really thinking about what course of action I want to take this year - and while the road is extremely wide, and meandering still a bit, it is going in a single (if albeit a scenic) direction.

I wasn't feeling very good today, and I left work early and came home to sit in my recliner with a heating pad and the Netbook, with HGTV on the telly, and snooze if I needed to. I re-discovered a fascination I've had for a few years: the Tiny House Movement.

In my internet travels this afternoon ~ in and amongst the tiny house websites and blogs, I came across this quote,

"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."

wow, huh?

Follow up questions:

1. What is valuable enough in my life that I would exchange a part of my life for it?
2. Who are the people that are valuable enough in my life to spend it with?
3. If something isn't worth this gift of a day, then what, instead, should it be replaced with?

My frustration with me is that my answers change. Daily. My feelings drag me around by the nose, and *look! Shiny!!* is a huge distraction and pulls me off in another direction altogether. (My love/hate with the internet and all the distractions links is a topic for another post!)

BUT -- I found a great question to ask myself as I go through and try to simplify my collection(s) of stuff... "If I were going to live in a tiny house... would this item stay or go?"  It isn't asking me if I love it, or if it is useful, or some of the other emotional questions that cause me distraction instead of action. It is straightforward, it has 'hacked away the unessential.'

* * *

Photo Day 3 (hearts) and Photo Day 4 (The View From Here)

Looking at my collection of Heart Stamps helped
me downsize my stamps! 3 sets and a couple of loose
ones... Very Proud!

This is a Gratitude Jar with one slip of 'Gratitude-ness' already in it...
In this Jar I will also put notes about great
things that happened (since I will, of course, be grateful for great things that
happen... ;-) ). My view today needed vision, and I'm visioning 2013 as a year of
things that I know I will be thankful for. And a Full Jar by the end
of the year to look back on.

 * * *

Decreasing
I have a bag of tops and some jewelry and a pair of shoes (never, ever worn) in a bag to give away. I'm struggling with keeping it until the Chorus Rummage Sale (March, I think), or just taking it to Goodwill Now!

* * *

One more thought for the day... What makes you happy? Not what you think makes you happy... what actually brings happiness to you?

My answers surprised me.

No Clever Title Comes To Mind

I'm so very thankful I can see.
There's a guy where I work who is completely blind. He's been blind since birth... I forget now which Central American country he came from, but he was born with an eye problem, his family came to the states to fix it, and something went wrong and he is blind for life.
For some reason today, as I said hello as we passed in the hall, I just said a silent prayer that I can see.

* * *

>Watch This Space< Action or Accountability
I have not yet taken any action. Today was my late day at work - I stayed up WAY too late last night and didn't go to bed until after 1am... which put off my getting up schedule. I had my alarm set to go off at 7:30 (still giving me a number of hours to get some of my 'To Do's' - which I'd written down before going to sleep so I *could* sleep - started), but dog got me up at 6:30am to eat and pee, and I had a headache and felt icky.  Reset my alarm until 8:30 (still giving me an extra hour), but didn't get back to sleep until probably 7:30 or 7:45... so reset the alarm to go off at 9:30... got up at 9:50 to leave the house at 10:30.

Very Unproductive.

Tomorrow will be different (it is 10:09 as I'm finishing up this post. Goal is bed at 10:30!)

My To Do List Was:

1. Check Flights to Hawaii (cost, departure cities, dates)
2. Looking into getting my account back in order for Ebay to sell my rubber stamps (which includes Paypal information), putting more thought into how to get rid of them.
3. 15 minutes of dishes
4. Explore 2 or 3 pages of the "Unravelling The Year Ahead 2013" worksheets
5. Print out/Go Through >Watch This Space< stuff

No, I knew I wouldn't get it ALL done, but I could make a start.

* * *

My Day 2 of 2013 Photo A Day ~ "Something New" is the prompt
So here are my new shoes that mom got me for Christmas.
I like them... they're quite 'slipper-ish' - which is what I wear the black ones I have now as... they're great for wearing inside doing housework, and can easily go outside to take out trash, recycling...etc...

* * *

De-clutter or Simplify
I bought a book. Not exactly the right direction to reduce my stuff.
"Running for Mortals"
and am pleased Barnes & Noble had it for $7.98 - in hardback. (as opposed to the $10+ on Amazon!)

I plan to follow Jeff Galloway's method of walk-run-walk... but when I flipped through the book it had some good photos of exercises, and the first few pages I read I liked. Happy that it has good reviews on Amazon.

Uh-oh... which book(s) do I now need to get rid of?
I have a "Dreamweaver for Dummies" that will never be opened... looks like a good choice.

Three books on Dreamweaver now in a box to donate.
Not sure if the 1-to-3 ratio can continue (one 'new' thing brought into the house means 3 'old' things need to leave...) but maybe it could be an ideal.

Yay Me!

* * *

I ate crap today. I weighed this morning and am 276.6
Last February I was my lowest at 237.6
I have my work cut out for me!

Back to Food Logging after Friday night (Pizza with friends).

Always Having Something To Say

I've committed myself to an adventure this year.

Not ready to reveal it *just yet* - but one of the actions I need to take is to get back to blogging regularly. For now, I'll just call it >Watch This Space<

Sometimes I don't feel inspired... or that I have anything to write or say worth reading... but if I commit to Being Thankful for something in each and every post, what a fabulous jumping-off point that is!

* * *

January 1, 2013 ~ Thankful For:
The World Not Ending.
On the lighter side, I'm really glad the Mayan Calendar's last date of December 21, 2012 didn't signify the end of the world. Just really thrilled that we're still here.

Losing 100 Pounds, Gaining 30 Pounds Back
Seriously... I'm still incredibly thankful for MediFast and the fast weight loss I experienced in 2011. 2012 saw lack of focus, boredom, quitting of the walking two 5Ks a week, and regular ups and downs of life stuff; but I'm thankful for all of it... because gaining 30 pounds back fuels my desire to experiment with wheat-free cooking/baking/eating and whole foods, and the Slow-Carb Diet (which I'm going to try for 29 days, like the Becoming Minimalist blog post and the Live Your Legend founder Scott Dinsmore are doing). My 29 days starts on Monday, however. (January 7)

I just found the Slow-Carb Diet (SCD) post with real-life stories of people who have lost over 100 pounds.  Wow. This is the link.

* * *

>Watch This Space< 
Accountability & Action (in other words, things I'm doing to move forward in my adventure)

[1] Writing This Post.
[2] Signing Up for Fat Mum Slim's Photo A Day (Just this month... 29+2 days only) to help me keep focused on the adventure I'm not revealing quite yet.

* * *

My Photo for Today:

Since I took this photo of this page (from Susannah Conway's blog, btw), I've written on it the Bruce Lee Quote that has become my 2013 Mantra...

"It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential."

DECREASE is the word for the year... decrease my weight. decrease my stuff. decrease my discontentment. decrease the complexity.

* * *

DECREASE ACTION:
My Plan is to use 15 minutes (or more, if that is the course it takes), 5 or 6 days a week to reduce, de-clutter, simplify and decrease my belongings
.
I threw away a lot of recyclable paper (junk mail), clearing the corner of a table in my studio. (I'll only say this once, here... My craft room is no more... I may use the space to create, but it is my studio... and the decreasing action(s) are to help me realize that expectation.  What we name things is important.)

Oh Yeah - on the Sad News Front

The Quartet Broke Up.

It sucks in many ways, ways and emotions that I haven't even fully recognized or processed yet.  Being in a good quartet is instrumental in my goals within this hobby, er..., obsession, uhhh...., WOL (Way Of Life) I adore called Barbershop.

When I can be more coherent perhaps I'll share some of those ways and emotions... but until then, I'm just really sad.

Life is just restarting... a constant turn over

‘All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.’~ Anatole France

Changing my mind. Simple, not easy.

I don't like to exercise. I don't like getting up early. And yet I've been trying so hard to incorporate these changes in my life because I know how important being healthy is... and how much easier my life was 30 lbs ago (!) My knees hurt. My back is killing me right now.  And while I'm still down more weight than I've gained back... it won't be for long if I keep heading down this destructive path.

I want to Change My Mind about how I Feel about those things. Or Better... take the Feelings out of the equation.

Letting go of anything makes me sad...  and... there is much fear in me... fearing whatever it means for me to let go.

(ask yourself, "what is the worst thing that could happen? Is the worst thing something you can life with?")

The answer is "Nothing Tragic!"

If I don't get the music on my mini-disc player onto itunes, the worst thing that will happen is
I won't hear some favorite songs. Ever again. John McGrath, namely.

Yes, and....? 

And then I'll be sad for awhile, but life will go on, and the mourning will end.

Yes, and....?

Maybe I just need to get that recording on itunes, not all 20+ mini discs...

If I get rid of the hundreds of rubber stamps and stamping supplies?

I will have wasted hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars.

Yes, and.....? 

And I'll beat myself up in my head forever, cuz that is what I do.

Yes, and....? 

God forgives you, and who in the hell do you think you are that you can't forgive what God can and does?

I'll survive. Why (oh why?!) does it feel like I'm ripping myself out of myself?

* * *

Things I value.

Health.

Healthy Eating & Fitness (and learning more)

Music.

Singing & Performing (and learning more)

Anything else is a distraction from these two things.

* * *

The thought of letting go is terrifying. The thought of how much money I've spent on things I don't use, don't read, don't spend time on... puts me in dark, sad places of despair in my mind... Regret, Guilt... you know, all those really helpful and productive feelings (!ha!).

And the Merry-Go-Round that is my mind continues on. I've had a-ha moments... I've had days of feeling ready and strong... Found amazing quotes that inspire me... but the secret ingredient dies out so quickly.  That is where the discipline comes in. Right? I so lack certain kinds of discipline... especially when it comes to routine and doing something when I don't "Feel" like doing it.

Set the timer. 

"Put on your big girl pants and do it."

Bring it on, 2013. I'll survive, and Lord Willing, will Thrive.

Just Keep Trying

Right?

So much of life is distraction.

beware of jumbled thoughts ahead:

I'm beginning to see why people who I would call "Inflexible" are that way.

It is easier to be all-or-nothing than sometimes-this-sometimes-that.

So many thoughts, but it is late, and rambling after midnight usually doesn't end well.

The new year is coming... I didn't do so hot on my 6 changes for 2012.

I'll keep on keepin' on, however.

The Gym! and other Random Thoughts

I went to the gym yesterday.... YAY ME!

I spent 15 minutes on the elliptical (my favorite thing) and while I could have probably lasted longer, I didn't want to kill myself.  I've lost a lot of fitness since I stopped walking in June.

I did almost all the weight machines -- spent time looking at the 'how to' instructions on each machine... how to adjust the seats, where the little yellow 'adjust here' levers are, etc.  I did 8 - 10 reps of everything except the leg push (my favorite thing) - I did 3 reps of 10.  I spent about 10 minutes stretching on the floor (which was awkward... will have to find a better place to do that), and then spent 10 minutes on the recumbent bicycle.  My knees kept bumping into the handle bars -- which tells me I'm too big at the moment to ride them correctly. They're not long enough... but I don't like regular bikes... so the elliptical it is!

I also did the 10 minute hydro-therapy massage -- which is a nice way to end the session.

I am sore today, but not in excruciating have-to-groan-everytime-I-move pain... so I think I did well.

My knee is sore, so I don't want to go back yet - maybe will take a walk with the dog while my Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Cheesecake Bars are baking. They sound devastatingly disastrous to my diet... but have to try them. Probably will take them to the Festivus Party I'm going to tonight.

Christmas Day will be with long time friends, and I'm to make dessert for 18. I made that much for Thanksgiving... but won't be doing the same thing -- should probably do the Pecan Pie and the Cheesecake again, however... so off to the grocery store for me.

I don't have a tree up.

I think I want the tree up.

Am so proud I got to the gym.  Now to make it 5 days out of 7.

Really... the whole month of November... lost?!

I'm in the middle of starting to reply to an awesome (inspiring) post from Live Your Legend (Scott Dinsmore), whom I discovered from Live Bold & Bloom...

To leave comments it asks for your website... I've posted at Capriccio the past couple days, but not here (yeah, who knew I had a second blog for posting not-a-lot lately... huh?!)... I always have to look up my link, so I open the blog I've posted the most often in.. this one... Walk, Breathe, Sing, Laugh & Repeat and am so embarrassed that I've said "I'm gonna do _________ [fill in the blank]...!!" so many times and nope. nothing has changed.

Why? I'm not sure... it is just one of the many things that are "To Do" and "Not Done."

I'm sitting in the middle of a paper hell --

• Receipts that need to be filed or thrown away.
• Music that needs to be entered into my music program (Noteworthy Composer) and then filed.
• Christmas cards that I want to acknowledge.
• Concert Programs that I've already scanned (thinking I could add them into itunes for 'Album Art' for a local concert I attended of which I have a music CD)... now debating on where it should go (am I going to continue scrapbooking?)
• Insurance and Investment mail from my work.
• Words to my sing-a-long show from the Senior Living Complex that I performed at in November (a missing sheet that probably should be thrown away or recycled).
• sticky note pads
• non-sticky scratch pads
• journals... two that I can see, probably at least 3 on the desk.
• Mail from the IRS probably related to the worker's comp stuff I have procrastinated about.
• Yeast-free pizza crust recipes I want to try
• Drafts of the show program I put together for the Tucson Desert Harmony Annual Show "Cool Composers & Holiday Warmth" on December 1st. Drafts. Garbage bin, anyone?
• Receipts. Oh, I mentioned those... but seriously, there are a lot.
• Ticket stubs
• Chorus roster
• Inspirational thoughts about life "Life's A Puzzle Literally." -- really cool thoughts on how we do or don't fit with others, with graphics.

And the non-paper items:

• Digital Voice Recorder
• Pictures
• A magnificently cute bracelet that is adorable but doesn't fit my wrist... I know where it should go, just haven't put it there yet, thinking, 'this time I'll be different and actually DO something with it so I can wear this adorable thing!"
• CDs that need to be named in itunes - I've uploaded them but haven't put the "Get Info" in there yet.
• Change that needs to be put in the change jar.
• White Out tape runner not put away.
• Timer (not quite dusty, but certainly not used often enough)
• Water bottle (I was going to be at the gym at 7am this morning, it is now 11:48)
• Squishy Toy
• Nail polish
• a book called "This Year I Will..." by M. J. Jyan
• another book, "ipod Fully Loaded ~ If You've Got It, You Can ipod It" by Andy Ihnatko

The funniest thing about why I've posted today... the comment I want to write regarding the awesome article on the LYL (Live Your Legend) blog is about focus, and needing it before you can do the amazing things he writes about in this fabulous article.

Really. (If you're reading between the lines... you're understanding the definition of insanity right now ... about how doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result is just crazy.)

I told myself I could buy his plan if I get to the gym today.

I'm dressed. I have my ipod synched, my water bottle filled, my gym bag packed. And the article (again from Scott...) that inspired me that 'Yes, Really!! I need to get to the gym' is the one about the one thing that these successful "Live Your Legend" types do...  they work out.

Like that is new.
Go.
Going.
Gone!