Challenged

I just had a short but good (sometimes hard) visit with my family in a different state. My nephew graduated high school (as a state National Honor Society and school NHS member!) and so the family gathered. He has a scholarship to a local university and while he doesn't (yet?) or hasn't (yet?) shown a real passion for a particular path - he plans to study science and music. We are proud of him, and I'm eager to see what path he ultimately will walk.

My niece, his older sister, is "doing it." What I mean by that is she had a vision, an idea and a goal to grow organic vegetables (tomatoes, to be specific) 'off season' and be able to provide these veggies by selling them at her stall at a Farmer's Market. And I'm so incredibly proud that she is DOING IT!

She is young, she is doing it her way, she's learning a lot of things and has had tons and tons of family support! She has an uncle who is a Regenerative Farming expert and who has, I suspect, been instrumental in her success thus far. I'm so proud and happy for her!! 22 Years Old! Go Sarah!!

All that to say... I come today to write about a conversation (and a challenge) I had with my father, who I've always seen and experienced as insightful, wise, stern and loving, that has been playing on my heart, and messing up my mind. I love my dad immensely. I admire him. ♥ I love him whole-heartedly for who he is and who I am because of him. He has impacted my life significantly.

Last year, for his 80th birthday, my brother gave him the gift of writing His Own Story. I'm not sure exactly the format - but my understanding is that dad is supposed to write the story of himself and when finished, the company that my brother purchased this gift from will then edit and format it so it can be published.

I asked my dad how that project of writing his own story was coming along.

I knew better than to expect a black or white response. But hope springs eternal, right? *wink wink*

I knew the answer I would receive wouldn't be "fine" or "great" or even "not so hot." It wouldn't be laconic or concise. It would start a conversation, and I frequently enjoy our conversations!

Our discussion traversed many roads, side tracks, squirrels and shiny objects. He challenged me that if I am really interested in what his story is, that I would invest my time in writing my own story to add to his. That I would put together my thoughts on the significance of the people, his people, in my life that I only had because of him (meaning his family) and add to "The Story." *in my head I am arguing the validity of his statement that adding my story to his is the only way to show my interest.

As expected, I didn't get a definitive answer. And that's okay. I know he has put together 50+ pages of his maternal family's history with pictures. I know he's been using ancestry websites (the free ones). I know he struggles with the variety of aspects of perspectives he can write from - so many choices! 

Does he write from his experiences as a father?
As a recovering alcoholic?
Does he just relay the facts like a timeline, without the 'whys and wherefores' that led to the decisions and choices he made?
Does he then share the outcomes that were the result of these choices? 

I said something about focusing on one tree, rather than the forest. 

When I said that, I smiled and admitted that I share his tendencies. I am definitely my father's daughter in that I overthink, want things to be perfect (perfectionism leads to procrastination), live in my head a lot, don't speak or think or write in bullet points, enjoy analyzing people and contemplating "how and why we are who we are and what makes us that way?" I too want to help others to be the best self they can be, and have incredibly high standards and expectations of myself and others.

There is a lot to unpack from our one-hour conversation... lots of stuff! My dad is, and I think has always been, looking for meaning. Significance. Instead of asking at the dinner table to each of his children, "what'd you learn in school today?" or "How was school?" ~ he'd ask, "What was the most significant thing that happened to you today?"

For me, answering "what is the most" kinds of questions is agony. I have trouble prioritizing. Which is something he brought up to me in the context of goals. My heart was slightly bruised by the judgement I heard when he said to me that he's heard me say hundreds of times "One of my goals is ..." Which led to him to telling me that Focus is the recipe for success*. My reply to his telling me that my life is living proof of what unfocused looks like, was that he was 'talking to the Carrie of 20 years ago.' He asked me what changed and I said, "Acceptance. Self-acceptance."

He was quiet, then shifted the conversation to more advice, that he believes all of his children would benefit from Al-Anon, despite the fact that I didn't live with him/them full time.

*Where's my "Atta-girl!"? Acceptance of Myself has been "the thing" we've probably talked about the most and he's encouraged me and inspired me and loved me through. 

But because I'm not around as often, and probably don't call as much as I think about calling, want to call and/or should call... he only sees my life and growth in the slices of time he's given.

I'm frustrated. Frustrated when he told me that I "wouldn't be interested in reading anything about" his life. Frustrated that he thinks it is egotistical to think that anyone would be interested in knowing more about his life.

Frustrated with myself that I haven't written (blogged) regularly on Wednesdays like I promised myself I would. A long while ago!

Frustrated that he doesn't think his life is worth writing down and sharing with us.

Frustrated that I can't help.

Frustrated that I believe I understand as much as I do about where his thinking has got him in this project and why he's stuck. *rueful laugh

No, I'm not 80 and don't understand  a l l  of it, obviously. 

At the heart of this conversation (and really, most of our conversations over the weekend) was his deep belief, conviction, really ~ that the world revolves around me. The universal ME. 

By that I mean: All of our lives, our experiences, our perspectives... it's always going to revolve around me. Me as the individual - that our human kind experience is self-centered, how everything we do and how we make decisions and choices comes down to self. You do what You do for You. I do what I do for Me. She does what She does for Herself. They do what They do for Themself (wow, that's not confusing just a bit).

I'm frustrated that I didn't remember to say to him the performer's motto ~ Think Of Your Audience. For performing artists we have to remember to take ourselves out of the equation and think of who we are sharing with, who is our audience; for whom are we performing? While it is true in my own experience that I love performing... sure for others but really I do it for me... I also know that the most significant (there's that word again) experiences for audience-members happen when the person - the self - of the performer is lost in the character, the music or the song.

And this is just the beginning of the unpacking. There's so much I left out of this first writing that transpired in our exchange. It's a process. This writing thing. There's a lot of unfinished thoughts here. Incomplete conclusions, perhaps a bit muddy. Ha! They're a bit cloudy for me, too! It leaves room for future posts, future conclusions, future stories.

Luckily, my van, suitcases and bags are unpacked (lol!).

*success. Each of us is going to define that differently. Oh goodie. Another topic :-).

And for what it's worth: I see lots of goals as optimistic. Forward-looking. Hopeful. And it's okay if some of them fall away. As we change, our goals will change. Go with it. Or better still... GROW with it! Letting go of old ideas can be painful. Hard. Really Hard. But having bright and shiny new ideas and thoughts and goals... well, that helps me keep my sunny side up!