Tuesday, April 9, 2013

April... already?!

It hasn't been a great month in some ways, but it has been real.

I've gained more weight back.

Gotta stop thinking and start acting.  Massive Action = Change.

is a youtube video of a TED talk by Brene Brown (Courage is borne out of vulnerability, not strength. This finding of Bren√© Brown’s research on shame and "wholeheartedness" shook the perfectionist ground beneath her own feet. And now it’s inspiring millions to reconsider the way they live, parent, and navigate relations with members of the opposite gender.)

I've watched three of her talks today, and the part that spoke to me and spilled the tears was when she talks about how we numb the negative emotions (guilt, fear, shame, anger, sadness); and by default, we then numb the joy.  Addicts will relapse after intensely positive and/or intensely negative situations.  I live that.  I want to eat whether I'm happy or sad. I totally stuff down any feelings I don't want to deal with by distracting myself with food.

It stems from shame (I'm not enough, I'm not worthy...) and a fear of being vulnerable.

And yet, when we witness other people being vulnerable - we admire them for their courage.  So what is it we fear?

Embrace gratitude. Living a normal life doesn't mean my life is without meaning.  Our culture breeds fear in us (more correctly, our media) by telling us we need things to be *more* -- what drivel, double-talk and hooey. (Aside from more time, of course... always want more time!)

But (I think to myself), does embracing gratitude mean I have to stay where I am? Doing what I'm doing in a job/workplace? I'm just treading water... paying bills... paying for my REAL outside life, barbershop singing and striving for more points, and even a shiny hat.

I'm afraid of making myself vulnerable enough to even put that thought out there...(I want a Queen of Harmony Crown thought) that there is something I want that I may not get - so I don't put the thought/idea out there.

Enough Fear.

Time to be direct.

Assertive. Fearless.

And perhaps I'm missing opportunities because people who could help me ~ don't know what it is that I want. (And perhaps I haven't been honest with myself and admitted to myself what I want, which doesn't really do much for the 'going after what you really really want' thing, does it.)

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