On this Summer Solstice Day - June 20th, 2025 - himself and I would have "officially" celebrated our 27th Wedding anniversary. And when I say celebrate... I mean we would have said, "Happy Anniversary" - maybe, lol. Maybe we would have ordered a pizza as a treat, and I would have gone out to get DQ Blizzards...
It's been 4 months since he passed away. The 'surreal' part that occurs when someone dies is over, the closing of his accounts and estate have begun and there's still paperwork to be filed and filled in and sent in. I filed an extension for taxes and have a tax appointment at the end of July to prepare for what kind of medical records from last year I'll need to supply for taxes - and his work stuff and benefits. I think I have the paperwork needed in a place I can find easily... (*fingers crossed!*) The "business of dying" hasn't been overly complicated, to be honest. I've had a couple of key friends who've helped me with keeping it simple (Thank God). It isn't over, and hopefully I'm not speaking too soon!
Of all the things about grieving his loss...The realization of "alone-ness" is the aspect of my new normal that will sometimes bring on the tears. But there is a lot less of that just in the last month... There's no one to help get the tall stuff off the shelf, or remember where we put the whatchamacallit... no one to call if I'm stuck somewhere. No one who will automatically pick me up from the airport, or vice versa. He was excellent at taking my side of things in work situations when all I could do was think of all the things I'd done or said wrong - he could justify and be logical when I needed it most. He listened when I had to vent about the situation with my mom in Cave Creek... he was glad he was out of it, but he listened and commiserated with me.
Himself and I had really nothing in common, but as he said once, "we make it work." He kept me laughing, which is probably one of the biggest reasons I could cope with the tough times.
He helped me grow and become an adult. Even though we both lived like grown children... He taught me that he wasn't responsible for my happiness, and if I didn't like something, I needed to change it. There were many, many hills I refused to "die on" as far as disagreements or arguments, so I buried a lot of myself in order to keep the peace. He loved me the best way he knew how, and I love him for that.
As this new chapter of "Carrie" begins, I will carry with me the love he had for me, the many many great memories we shared together, and the lessons he helped me learn along the way. Thank you, B, for keeping me safe, loved, protected and provided for in this next chapter. I loved you the best way I knew how, too.
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