Happy What-Would-Have-Been-Our 27th Anniversary

 

On this Summer Solstice Day - June 20th, 2025 - himself and I would have "officially" celebrated our 27th Wedding anniversary. And when I say celebrate... I mean we would have said, "Happy Anniversary" - maybe, lol. Maybe we would have ordered a pizza as a treat, and I would have gone out to get DQ Blizzards...

It's been 4 months since he passed away. The 'surreal' part that occurs when someone dies is over, the closing of his accounts and estate have begun and there's still paperwork to be filed and filled in and sent in. I filed an extension for taxes and have a tax appointment at the end of July to prepare for what kind of medical records from last year I'll need to supply for taxes - and his work stuff and benefits. I think I have the paperwork needed in a place I can find easily... (*fingers crossed!*) The "business of dying" hasn't been overly complicated, to be honest. I've had a couple of key friends who've helped me with keeping it simple (Thank God). It isn't over, and hopefully I'm not speaking too soon!

Of all the things about grieving his loss...The realization of "alone-ness" is the aspect of my new normal that will sometimes bring on the tears. But there is a lot less of that just in the last month... There's no one to help get the tall stuff off the shelf, or remember where we put the whatchamacallit... no one to call if I'm stuck somewhere. No one who will automatically pick me up from the airport, or vice versa. He was excellent at taking my side of things in work situations when all I could do was think of all the things I'd done or said wrong - he could justify and be logical when I needed it most. He listened when I had to vent about the situation with my mom in Cave Creek... he was glad he was out of it, but he listened and commiserated with me.

Himself and I had really nothing in common, but as he said once, "we make it work." He kept me laughing, which is probably one of the biggest reasons I could cope with the tough times.

He helped me grow and become an adult. Even though we both lived like grown children... He taught me that he wasn't responsible for my happiness, and if I didn't like something, I needed to change it. There were many, many hills I refused to "die on" as far as disagreements or arguments, so I buried a lot of myself in order to keep the peace. He loved me the best way he knew how, and I love him for that.

As this new chapter of "Carrie" begins, I will carry with me the love he had for me, the many many great memories we shared together, and the lessons he helped me learn along the way. Thank you, B, for keeping me safe, loved, protected and provided for in this next chapter. I loved you the best way I knew how, too.

Outgrowing Ourselves

Change is a process. Slowly. Over Time. Patience, Carrie. Give yourself some grace and credit. And Time. I didn't get to where I am, who I am, overnight. Celebrate my small wins.

We are the sum of our experiences, and our daily experience creates subtle changes, right? Hopefully? Do we notice how we've grown? Or even that we are in a constant state of growth? Do we give ourselves credit for our growth? Or are the changes we're making in our lives too subtle? Or are we (foolishly) thinking we're growing into a more evolved (better?) human being? Are we fooling ourselves? What does it mean when we keep saying the same thing... setting the same goal(s) but haven't made any progress toward what we've stated we wanted? 

I've just spent a couple hours re-reading some of my previous blog posts and am dismayed by how many times I've reset the goal of writing 1,000 words a day! Crap!

I love the idea that for every "Yes" you say to something you're saying "No" to something else. 

Knowing what kind of life we want to have is critical to setting those boundaries and making those choices. Besides activities and what we are choosing to do is the question of personalities and people: Who do we want to spend our time with? Who do we want to give energy to? Saying "Yes" to this person may mean saying "No" to another. 

Jim Rohn said that "we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with." I wrote that down on October 1st last year... I also wrote down my current 5 at that time, and am I content with those 5? Honestly, it made me want to widen my circle! 

And as we get older our memory gets worse. We have to remind ourselves what our priority is. What we ultimately are working toward. Plus... we change so our goals change. Something I came across today that resonated with me was this (author unknown):

"Positive Mind and Happy Heart"

I've learned not to hold people hostage to who they used to be. We all carry versions of ourselves that no longer fit-the mistakes we made, the things we didn't know, the pain we caused when we didn't yet understand our own. 

The truth is, people outgrow their old skin. They stumble, they learn, and if life allows, they try to do better. We all have chapters we wish we could rewrite. That doesn't mean we haven't earned the right to start a new one.

Growth isn't always loud or dramatic - it's often quiet, steady, un-glamorous. But it's real. 

No one should be permanently defined by a version of themselves they've already outgrown. We're all in motion, figuring things out, trying again. And if we can give that grace to ourselves, we should be willing to offer it to others, too."

I'm not sure I have a point. 

I do know that right now, in trying to figure out who I am by myself, is a new, kinda exciting and freeing place to be. I have an opportunity to redefine my future, to choose a new road and truly explore who I am and what I want. I don't know that I am all that different from who I was when I got married in 1998 - I sure hope so! 

I don't want to make the same mistakes. I know I have internalized Agreement #2 of "The Four Agreements" ~ "Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves..." I no longer believe I am responsible for other people's feelings. I used to believe I was. That I could have said or done something that would have protected someone's feelings or avoided some kind of pain (yes, it's a bit controlling, perhaps, but while I still have the tendency to want to ensure details are taken care of, I'm a lot less "mom" than I used to be).

* * * 

It's game 5 of the NBA finals right now - Indiana Pacers v OKC Thunder. I'm rooting for the Thunder because it's a relatively new team, Oklahoma City hadn't had an NBA franchise, and the whole city was so excited and so behind the team... I remember visiting my family in OK and caught the fever. It looks like game 5 is going to OKC (YAY!!). I like basketball - I prefer watching the University of Arizona BasketCats (Heart Attack Cats!) and college ball in general, but this Final has been a good watch!