Tenuous Peace.
That's what I'm feeling intermittently.
Two weeks ago I started walking. VERY short walks in the mornings - 10 minutes only at the moment because my back hurts. I'm so incredibly physically uncomfortable right now and pretty much it seems all my life I've taken many many easy paths to stay comfortable. Wrong Choice. Use it or Lose it. Comfort has not led to growth. So many ways I took the easy road. At age 57 I'm paying for it now, and it seems like it's all at once. Oh well. That's being a grown up, right? #Adulting
I say that to say this: it is almost unimaginable for me to visualize/see how I'll get back to walking a mile (and more) pain-free. I understand cognitively, of course; that consistency and persistence will overcome anything. Give it time. Patience, grasshopper.
I am taking things one day at a time. But I also want to plan for the future. Plan for A future. Having goals is part of what keeps me going.
Bill Gates said,
“Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in
ten years.”
I have the same challenge when it comes to knowing what I want to commit to.
I am continuing to realize again and again that I struggle with commitment when it comes to goals. To stick to one plan, one road, one goal, one priority. I wander off to see what that road over there leads to... what if I miss something really cool by not taking this turn? Focus, or rather, a lack of focus, has been a theme in my life for a very long time. Fear is leading those decisions. FOMO... do I really have that? Fear of Missing out? I'm not afraid of missing out on trends or fashions, nothing like that - just fear of missing something that might teach me something new, or benefit me in a personal-growth kind of way, I think.
Control is another topic I need to investigate. In myself. In my world. I know intellectually that the only control I have is over myself - my reactions, my responses, my actions. Yet I keep trying to control (manipulate?) outcomes.
*sigh*
Part of feeling peace all the time is trusting God, Higher Power for some others... that there is a plan for my life. A plan so cool and amazing that I cannot imagine it. Like how I can't imagine how much better I'll be walking and physically feeling in a few weeks, even. My dreams aren't that big. That makes me sad. Setting goals at Real Estate conferences always would stump me - my imagination never would come through to help me set "Big Goals."
Maybe that's the new prayer - help me see how big my world can be. To be limitless. To stop putting the breaks on...? I dunno if that's the prayer, but I'm thinking I'm going to add it in. To think more expansively about what I want, what kind of life I want to live and who I am in it.
Anyway - it's hard to process self-growth when one's brain is full of "other."
My brain is currently a jumble. I have often described my life as a roller coaster of emotions - climb slowly to a peak, then fall quickly, screaming a little then going into the upside loop-de-loops. Then start again. It's an adventure, but there's a lot of life you cannot action when you're stuck on the roller coaster. Keeping to a simple task/list of things I'd like to accomplish in a day - let alone the week or month...? If I don't get off the roller coaster things don't get done.
