Thoughts on Grief

This grief thing is rough. It is a lot. It makes everything so much ... more ... it is so much more difficult to make decisions. I didn't make decisions quickly or even logically sometimes, before... but now...

What should be just 'Simple' is put under a magnifying glass and it isn't so simple anymore... it's just big.

Someone asked me recently not "if" I'm okay, but "how" am I okay. My response is, "what choice do I have? What other options are there?" It's one day at a time, remembering gratitude, reaching out to friends, doing a few daily chores, and repeat. I'm so grateful for those of you who send me messages, texts, memes... thank you .

This post isn't meant to be a pity/poor me post, it's just sharing some of the stuff. How am I filling my days? To be honest, I don't completely know. I get up and get dressed before the guys who are working on my house get here - so that is by 8am. This is a VERY good thing, actually, that there are still workmen coming to my house. I think the timing, even though the house is going slow ...
s l o w . . . I think if I didn't HAVE to get up, I'd be sleeping away the day. As it is, I get up, shower every other day or so ~ get dressed, feed the hound, clean up the yard (pick up doggy doodies), go water my garden and plants, sit outside drinking water and listening to praise music and just don't think or plan or worry... I'm just 'being.'

There's lots of scrolling... some FB, lots of YouTube. Last night I must've watched 2 hours of videos on crocheting. I didn't turn on the tv, just listened and watched people talk about crochet, or demonstrate crochet on my phone.

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I still have to/ want to/ need to do. Reality things. Not fun things. I'm still closing himself's estate (closing accounts etc...). I closed one credit card at the bank with a banker 2 weeks ago, then received an email yesterday saying it had a balance due (small, but still... I closed it, didn't I?). I called the credit card number, and no, that cc account was still open. But there was no balance due. Okay, so, *whew* but damn, the simple is long gone. I'm doing my best to not be cynical about the hassles of what more has to done and the personnel that I'm going to have to talk to in order to get it done; and to just breathe and do it, but remember that thing I wrote a few lines up... about decisions being so much harder? That goes for actions, too. And even though I know my friends are here for me, and don't mind when I ask for help, I still feel a bit silly asking for help on some of the smaller tasks... the obvious answers I feel I should know.

My friend sent me a lovely book that arrived yesterday, it's called "Tear Soup - A Recipe for Healing After Loss" by Pat Schwiebert & Chuck Deklyen. It's beautiful. And timely.

One page says, "Making tear soup is hard work. Sometimes it was all she could think about. Even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore." (Grandy is the name of the character who is making the tear soup)

I don't have the mental energy to continue the things I know I want to do... I'm just so emotionally exhausted. Anyone who knows me knows I like being 'in charge' and leading things - but that spark has flown for awhile. I'm not giving up. But it is sort of what this feels like...?

I had some friends over for chips and snacks on Monday, and while the time was short, it was so good to just be with other people and not have to "prepare" - just come over and sit outside, bring the chips & guac and lets just chatter about everything and everyone and nothing and no one.

It is just weird. That was himself's word as he was, what I know now that he was having, the strokes before the big massive one; things aren't normal, they're not 'right' - they're just weird.

And Every Thing Feels Like Such a Big Freakin' Deal.

It's been 3-1/2 months since himself passed away on 2/13, and on May 25th it'll be 2 months since mom passed away.

I have 2 lovely new yellow chairs that are nice to sit in. *hint hint* (invite yourself over!) I have plans for my house for the future. I have music to learn for the gospel singing recording weekend that happens Labor Day weekend in Texas and am looking forward to that. I am seeing a chiropractor and my hips feel better; and having laser treatments there, which I believe is helping my shoulder feel better. I still walk like I'm over 90, and everything is 10X harder than it should be... but I sense progress is being made. God is here, and I'm still very much in gratitude; for there is more good in life than there is 'other' ~ ya know? I'm slowly getting back on track with eating the food that helps me feel better, but that sugar addiction and dopamine hits... that is REAL.

I got the red van through emissions! Win!!

I answered questions, online, yesterday about the trial I've been possibly pre-selected to be a juror on that potentially starts 6/2 and is predicted to last 4 days. This is a new thing to me... being questioned by email for a trial. They tell you briefly what the trial is about and then ask if you think you can be fair and impartial. I answered 3 different times on the questionnaire that I think it is an unreasonable question to ask me what I'm going to think and feel about something I've not seen or heard evidence presented on...

I hopefully shared enough personal experience (from knowing family and friends who've experienced what the trial is about) that I won't have to sit on what I'm pretty sure will be a traumatic event. Please pray I won't have to add that to what I'm already going through. I like jury duty, please don't misunderstand; I just don't know how well I'll handle this particular trial.

There is nothing for it but to go through it. And I'm going through it. If you've read all of this... thank you.  

Remembering Mom (1 of ?)

Mother's Day 2025 is over. Norma June Wade Young Mahaffey passed away on March 25th, 2025 and I haven't written anything yet to remember or honor her. I started an obituary but the site platform didn't save what I had written and with everything else going on I didn't have the 'oomph' to start over again.

This isn't an obituary. These aren't 'just the highlight' of a great life. She had a great life, She had some amazing experiences and a full life. These are just some random, maybe painful, thoughts about my mom. I love her so much. I lost her years ago, so my grief on her death has a softer edge than if she had died suddenly with all her faculties.

I read This Blog Post and have been inspired to write about her. *This will be a work in progress over a few posts. Her life allowed me to be here, and like all of us, there's substance to who she was and how she impacted my life and so many others.*

She was born in June of 1939 - the second youngest of 6 children. There was a younger brother born after her little brother John, but Stevie was adopted out and I understand my grandma 'kept tabs on him' and that he died quite young. Heart trouble, apparently; which runs in the family. My maternal grandfather Chauncey "Slim" Wade died at age 55 from heart issues.  Her dad left when she was in the second grade. She also said that her dad had a terrible temper and she witnessed her dad beating her mom, Grandma "Jan" or "Jenny" and sometimes, more fittingly as I remember her, "Tense" Smith. Grandma (Smith) Wade was the oldest of 10 children, 9 girls and 1 brother, Herman. 

This is important because mom cherished "Uncle Herm" who lived in, what we called back then, a mobile home park in Hemet, California with his second wife, Barbara. I don't believe uncle Herm had any children. After he passed away, Aunt Barb gave me a beautiful set of silver that he had picked up while overseas during WWII. Uncle Herm was a pastry chef, a wonderful cook and had so many stories! My memories of him are few, but extremely fond, and Aunt Barb was a bit of a kook, she had an odd son, whom I met only once, I think. She had definite "proper" and "unproper" ideas about how things should be done... but she also had a generous heart of gold and she noticed who people were. She's the one who gave me two beautiful floral music pictures painted on wood that are unusual and I love them and they still hang on my walls! For my 21st birthday they gave me a ukulele - purchased from an antique store that I didn't appreciate thoroughly at the time, I'm afraid. They both loved having us visit, and there was always beautiful table cloths, fine linens and china teacups and saucers. And I remember they had a "Love is.... " cartoon on their refrigerator. I wish I could remember what it said, but for some reason it was significant and I love that I remember that detail. I think it is memories of visiting them and my other great aunts and uncles in manufactured home parks that made me want to live in a manufactured home. Mom made a special effort to visit them, and she passed on to me by example that making an effort for people you love is important.

But, I digress... 

Mom started working at age 15 and didn't stop working until 2000-something. She graduated high school in 1957 (she always enjoyed the Statler Brother's song, "Class of '57") and I am a little ashamed to admit I didn't keep very close track of years and dates... not like mom did! I am proud to say that I have become a "People Collector" as she was ~ a term my dad came up with to describe the myriad of friends my mom had (and stayed in touch with) throughout most of her life. Her lifetime, longtime good friends filled in for the family she wanted but never seemed fulfilled by.

Working is a theme for mom. A strong, highly-moral and ethical person; not to mention a woman of extremely high integrity coupled with the mindset of "it's not over until the project is complete and correct" type of worker, she annoyed a lot of people as values in the workplace started changing in the 1980s.

Mom always talked about being poor. The house she grew up in was small, and dingy (as she described it), but it was clean! She loved cleaning house! She took good care of the things she had, because she didn't have many things growing up. Dusting the almost-all wood furniture that graced our home with Old English furniture polish and vacuuming were often my Saturday chores. I remember one Saturday as I was polishing the dining room table and chairs and really hating it, she said something like, "Don't you love what a clean house smells like?" I think I rolled my teenage eyes. To this day I wouldn't say I enjoy cleaning as an activity, but of course I do like having things clean... and my problem is often I'll get in and clean with the toothbrush and cotton swab for 45 minutes... and miss the big picture clean for that 3-inches of gunk being cleaned out of the whatchamacallit in the corner. (lol!)

Mom had no filter. Sometimes the things that would come out of her mouth (!) I've told my favorite story about this so many times... I don't know if I've blogged it yet, but it will find its way in this post...

Mom stunted my growth by constantly "saving" me. 

Mom loved having people over - setting a beautiful table, having friends come for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She loved my friends, and my friends remember her with so much affection. She was nosy and interested... I often would say that she could find out more about my friend(s) in 3 minutes that I would know about them after knowing them 2 years, lol! She asked a lot of questions. LOTS of questions and that was embarrassing to me. I let her know, and she told me that asking questions is a sign of interest in something. She wasn't wrong, but it didn't stop my embarrassment at the time.

Mom gave me terrible advice when I didn't know what to get my friend for her birthday. I think we were 7... maybe 8, maybe 9 years old. We were walking through the store and when I kept saying, "I don't know..." she told me that I should get my friend something *I* would want. Well, maybe as an kid that works for your peers; but she often gave me gifts that she would want/appreciate ~ that were not my taste, or a hobby or collection that I enjoyed.

Mom was a terrible teacher. Almost anytime she tried to teach me something she'd get frustrated and I'd end up hating whatever it was. The thing that comes to mind first is Quicken... she was one of those 'born organized' women who bore a creative child and she didn't know how to creatively teach me. That isn't a judgement as much as it is a realization that she wasn't capable of thinking too far outside of the box.

Mom had a knack for always creating a homey, welcoming place wherever she was living. She was a 'nester' - she had an easy home, a peaceful environment that made sense and was comfortable.

She wasn't empathetic - she was sympathetic and generous with her time, money and other resources. She took people in when they needed a place to stay, often. But she really struggled understanding how people ended up in the lifestyles they ended up living in - she couldn't put herself in someone else's shoes, not really. She loved her friends, even those whose lifestyles she couldn't understand... but she wasn't able to keep her mouth shut or her opinions to herself for the way they lived their life if she thought it was wrong or "bad."  She struggled loving people 'where they were' or for who they are. Her old tapes of "right and wrong" and not being raised in a church tribe full of grace all contributed to this, and I know it made her very sad. And what made me so sad for her was that I think she truly didn't understand, on an internal or at a core level, what the problem was. I know these friends that discontinued relationships with her still loved her deeply, but sometimes you have to eject from your life the people who keep hurting you, even when you love each other.

Mom was my biggest fan. She told me early that I needed to make sure I always had music in my life. It took a couple people outside of us to open her eyes to the fact that I had some talent, but she was always encouraging me to do it. She wasn't a stage mom - she didn't push. I wonder what would have happened had she pushed me just a little bit. We were opposites in every way, really. She was born thin and naturally skinny despite her four food groups being cheese, chocolate, nuts and popcorn; while I was chunky and 'big boned' from the beginning and thought I was fat from age 8 on (not her doing, by the way) and preferred to sit and read and/or craft rather than be outside doing something active.

 There's so much more - and things to fill in, but that's it for today.

Simple (Goal = Less is More!)

I want to keep my life simple. Less Management. Less Stuff. More Experiences. Pay for a class, don't invest in ALL THE STUFF so I can do it myself... (for example - the mosaic class I took... I don't want to manage mosaic stuff... am I still in the Amazon return window?)

This short really spoke to me this morning: 

What do I want?

Singing - Performing

Reading - back to reading for pleasure and not for "Personal Development" or "Self-Improvement." Keep yes to inspiration (Traveling/Camping, Simplifying, Decluttering, Health Goals) but no more "How To" stuff. Less "How to Be Better" Self-Improvement stuff. Everything I need has been given to me in the Bible. There are great teachers who help lead me/us to find it.  Make the Bible one of my hobbies!

Experiences - I have been saying for years that I want to age with energy and be active. "Use it or Lose it" is the name of the game. I want to get back to walking. If I call it a hike I get negative (thanks a lot Girl Scouts), but I have goals to get outside and be in nature and do "forest bathing." Get back outside. It's good for the feel-good hormones!

Learn new skills - I know lots of people learning to play or already love playing Pickle ball. I was a pretty good tennis player and always liked Ping Pong - I want to get back into physical shape to learn to play. Badminton was fun, too.

Paint Rocks - creativity that is low pressure!

Learning to Crotchet

Keeping Up with birthdays for friends and family with written notes - something my mom was so good at, I want to embody this part of her.

Watch movies (even if I've seen my favorite movies over 100 times... watch my favorites!)

Eat Simple foods that don't require recipes. Find a couple easy and tasty mainstays: Lentil soup, Chili, Cornbread (I love cornbread!), white sweet potatoes, yukon gold potatoes, spinach, broccoli, corn, beans - in a can if it makes life easier!

Learn to cool some fabulous Vegan dishes that even Omnivores will love (and not know or care they're not eating meat & dairy). 

Farmers Markets 

Healthy Food (Meal) Deliveries

Eating out gives me a lot of pleasure, that is one of the things I don't want to give up. Having enough extra in my budget to give me this very simple yet sometimes extravagant luxury.

Photos - digital frames - finish the scrapbooks I've started. Make a scrapbook of my current house and all the work himself did to make it a great place to live. I am living with regret that I didn't voice my gratitude more often to how hard he worked and toiled to make this a great place to live.

Animals - more than one (?) I go back and forth - it's harder to be spontaneous with four-legged fur babies.

Writing

Journalling

Plants - not necessarily a huge vegetable garden, but some houseplants and some flowers and some shady trees, a "shady grove" where I can go sit and pretend I'm "out in nature" - it'll be kinda like nature, but in my backyard.  

Bird watching - keep my bird feeders full.

Less tech - less subscriptions 

Less - LOTS LESS social media. More blogging! 

I just want LESS. I want to want Less. To need Less.

Less Money.

Less clothing.

Less dishes.

Less Housework - have enough in the budget to have someone come in twice a month to clean my kitchen, floors etc. 

Less Hassle.

Less is MORE.

More Space Between Things.

More Space. 

More Time to do nothing. One of my favorite Calvin & Hobbes quotes, "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."

I get in these mindsets... the mindset that I don't need much, that I need to just clear out the stuff... then something goes awry and I get into a spending spree. DANGEROUS!!  I need to develop some mindsets and strategies that KEEP me in this "Less is More" mentality!

What goes awry? listening to social media, listening to influencers... and all of a sudden I'm no longer "enough." Or depression. When I haven't done all that I believe I'm supposed to do. The "what if I need it someday?" trap. All the "shoulds" that get stuck in my head. I should exercise. I should eat better. I should go to sleep earlier. I should get up earlier. I should... stop - Stop - STOP "should-ing" all over myself!

Right now I'm in a pretty low spot - husband died, mom died... no close family in-state. Some cousins up in the Phoenix area, but never have been very close to them. I have a few pretty close friends who count as family, but they're not family... being alone too much. I'm mostly an only child - with half-siblings and ex-step-siblings (bonus family!), so I'm okay being alone. But I like sharing time with people, and I think if I haven't made a plan to share some time with people - then I try to fill the void with food, stuff... junk.

Remember to ask myself - "do I really want to spend my time taking care of this?" The more I own, the more I have to manage!

I want to get up in the morning with just a few chores - clean up the yard (animal 'doodies'), water the plants, fill the bird feeders, sit and listen to a podcast or praise music... maybe start a load of laundry or put one away, put away clean dishes and then be done with chores! Have a very small "chore" routine, then have a routine of things to do that bring joy to me and/or to others!

More Roadtrips! More Singing! More Art! More Writing! More Relationship! More Connection!