Courage.

I've been on a weekend kick of watching videos and reading blogs of people who have chosen to become RV "Full Timers" or "nomads." There's a couple favorites I enjoy, but my favorite is Robin of Creativity RV.

...

Back in June I was asked the question, "what do you want your life to look like in a year?" 

I'll say again, while this is not a new question... it has been the first time that I've thought of my answer(s) almost every day. 

I've also been trying to figure out what I really want. 

I've been incredibly blessed in my life. I'm grateful for all that I've been given. But when given much, much is expected, and I'm afraid I've not lived up to my potential, and am disappointed in myself.

I heard on either an Amy Porterfield or a Marie Forleo podcast the other day about the 10-year Question... which is this: Will I regret NOT having done something/tried something in 10 years? Will I kick myself for having ignored the voice inside asking to try something.

I want to be able to be financially independent while traveling around the United States. 

I want to see every state, and while I wouldn't mind sharing some of the adventure with a good friend, I mainly want to do it myself as a self-confidence building, personal growth challenge.

To simplify my life by decreasing the unessential ~ “It is not daily increase but daily decrease, hack away the unessential." ~ Bruce Lee

Goals. I am creative. I have skills and talents to offer... I am a natural teacher, but I've not ventured into YouTube or even just videos here in blogland. I can write. 

I love learning. Learning about people and our tendencies, habits, the reasons behind why we do things is fascinating to me. I love learning about natural health, food as medicine and healthy eating.

What can I teach that would be worth a $9.95 eCourse or eBook? I come back to singing, but that is usually something taught one-on-one in person. Using learning to sing as one of the pathways to personal growth and development is real, and is something I am passionate about.

Life is short, that is a lesson that keeps showing up every day. 

What will it take for me to have the courage? Will I ever "feel ready?" 

Just start, right?

 

 

Feeling The Love

My Will-Call envelope for the Triple Crown Barbershop Show on June 29th. 

Knowing what you don't want...

... is just as important as knowing what you want, if not one of the best ways to figure out what you want... if you're like me... and want it all.

"I want it all
There’s a rise up to the heights
And then a ball
I want it all
Don’t try to tell me that I can’t have my drama
And be a mother who is also a motha’
I wanna know that I can find inside me anyone I need
I wanna be Donna Mckechnie, Donna Summer, Donna Reed
I wanna be Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead
I want it all
I want it all
I want to find a way to break through every wall
I want it all"

[excerpt of lyrics from "I Want It All" from the musical, "Baby"]

The challenge - get rid of enough clutter and "other" so I can focus on what is really important.

There are some blogs, which, after reading, I feel incredibly guilty, depressed and 'not good enough' or 'I'll never attain that' - some of them I have listed on my blog, because I truly need to minimize, simplify and declutter, and they have insight and valuable things to say.

There are other simplification blogs that I follow and adore, which, after reading, I feel inspired and motivated and cheerful and have an "I can do this" feeling.

I want to be the latter kind of blogger.

This blog has been pretty unfocused - unpredictable - and super unorganized. I had hoped that 2013 would be the year that I would be able to reduce... both my size and my stuff. Instead, I traveled to a chorus 2-1/2 hours one-way up the road for 18 months in order to attain a goal I'd set for myself a long time ago. I achieved half of that goal. And have an International Silver Chorus Medal in Sweet Adelines. More and more I realize I can't do it all (anymore), and that 'something's gotta give.'

Scottsdale Chorus ~ Finals Package, Sweet Adelines International Contest & Convention, Honolulu 2013

How is this photo for some serious joy?

That is what the minimizing and decluttering will be about. What has to give. Clearing the spaces so I can think. Decide to do less.  Keep the Joy. Making difficult choices as I "hack away at the unessential." Remembering that this is a journey, and a transition, and it won't happen overnight, and a little bit each day is still a step forward in the right direction. Being kind to myself in the process.

Like Tammy Strobel at rowdykittens, I hope that regular blogging will improve my writing. I also really want to do the "photo a day" because I think that is just cool. And, maybe in the process, I can learn more about what my camera can do and what I can do with a camera. And in taking a photograph of a thing, I can be grateful for the time it was mine to possess, and with love, let it go.

“If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Sleep

I love sleep. But it eludes me. Went to be early - woke up at 1am... finally got up at 2:55 am.  Surfing the 'net... cried some. Sifting through priorities and what is important. Gah!

So I'll post the photos from Photo-A-Day Challenge:

Day 5 ~ "Movement"

Rascal jumping up for a treat!

Day 6 ~ "Mine"

My "Likes" ~ scrapbooking (pages open to performing... Musical Theatre
"Quilters" and performing with my barbershop quartet), Music quotes,
Music fabric, Natural Health & Healing book, book about God and finding Faith, Self-help (combating negative thinking), Modge Podge (crafts), card-making (music-themed stamps and a hand-made 'thank you' card), orange & pink sparkly items, dog cookies, black & white journal, Fun & Funky Lava Lamp, reminder that we are the sum of our experiences... all that we have done leads us up to today.

* * *

Thankful
I'm thankful for a warm bed.
* * *

Action
Didn't do much action today. Lots of taking in information, but not acting on it. Which leads to the tears. I did read more "Running for Mortals" before going to sleep.

I also started reading about why I feel so compelled to find and make a living at my passion.
* * *

Decrease
Didn't decrease anything yesterday. Not good. Want to keep to a schedule/routine with this... to continuously act on the de-cluttering/simplifying process. Though, it is a process, and putting pressure on myself to get it done as fast as possible only causes more paralyzing un-action. Ease up.
* * *

I was reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" today - really like her stuff -- and her simple but insightful advice that got me thinking was, "Do what you do."

It goes with the thought that not everyone finds enjoyable what I find enjoyable... build on that. Knowing ourselves is key to focusing on our passion.

At the same time, I know that getting outside ourselves is also key to bringing joy to our own lives. Doing something for someone else is the fastest way to lift depression. Again with that word: Action.

Action vs Distraction

I put in my Gratitude Jar today ... "I am thankful for the internet (and all that it has exposed me to)."

I met my husband online, of course... he's one major thing I'm thankful for. But besides himself, I was thinking about all the sub-cultures that now have a voice and an audience because of the internet.  And that some people are incredible visionaries... and that they take action on their vision.

* * *

This year I will take action on a vision. As of yet this vision is blurry. It is brightly-colored, and full of glitter and glistening dew in the morning... it is being looked at through a filter, which makes it very soft-focused.  I spent some time really thinking about what course of action I want to take this year - and while the road is extremely wide, and meandering still a bit, it is going in a single (if albeit a scenic) direction.

I wasn't feeling very good today, and I left work early and came home to sit in my recliner with a heating pad and the Netbook, with HGTV on the telly, and snooze if I needed to. I re-discovered a fascination I've had for a few years: the Tiny House Movement.

In my internet travels this afternoon ~ in and amongst the tiny house websites and blogs, I came across this quote,

"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."

wow, huh?

Follow up questions:

1. What is valuable enough in my life that I would exchange a part of my life for it?
2. Who are the people that are valuable enough in my life to spend it with?
3. If something isn't worth this gift of a day, then what, instead, should it be replaced with?

My frustration with me is that my answers change. Daily. My feelings drag me around by the nose, and *look! Shiny!!* is a huge distraction and pulls me off in another direction altogether. (My love/hate with the internet and all the distractions links is a topic for another post!)

BUT -- I found a great question to ask myself as I go through and try to simplify my collection(s) of stuff... "If I were going to live in a tiny house... would this item stay or go?"  It isn't asking me if I love it, or if it is useful, or some of the other emotional questions that cause me distraction instead of action. It is straightforward, it has 'hacked away the unessential.'

* * *

Photo Day 3 (hearts) and Photo Day 4 (The View From Here)

Looking at my collection of Heart Stamps helped
me downsize my stamps! 3 sets and a couple of loose
ones... Very Proud!

This is a Gratitude Jar with one slip of 'Gratitude-ness' already in it...
In this Jar I will also put notes about great
things that happened (since I will, of course, be grateful for great things that
happen... ;-) ). My view today needed vision, and I'm visioning 2013 as a year of
things that I know I will be thankful for. And a Full Jar by the end
of the year to look back on.

 * * *

Decreasing
I have a bag of tops and some jewelry and a pair of shoes (never, ever worn) in a bag to give away. I'm struggling with keeping it until the Chorus Rummage Sale (March, I think), or just taking it to Goodwill Now!

* * *

One more thought for the day... What makes you happy? Not what you think makes you happy... what actually brings happiness to you?

My answers surprised me.

Always Having Something To Say

I've committed myself to an adventure this year.

Not ready to reveal it *just yet* - but one of the actions I need to take is to get back to blogging regularly. For now, I'll just call it >Watch This Space<

Sometimes I don't feel inspired... or that I have anything to write or say worth reading... but if I commit to Being Thankful for something in each and every post, what a fabulous jumping-off point that is!

* * *

January 1, 2013 ~ Thankful For:
The World Not Ending.
On the lighter side, I'm really glad the Mayan Calendar's last date of December 21, 2012 didn't signify the end of the world. Just really thrilled that we're still here.

Losing 100 Pounds, Gaining 30 Pounds Back
Seriously... I'm still incredibly thankful for MediFast and the fast weight loss I experienced in 2011. 2012 saw lack of focus, boredom, quitting of the walking two 5Ks a week, and regular ups and downs of life stuff; but I'm thankful for all of it... because gaining 30 pounds back fuels my desire to experiment with wheat-free cooking/baking/eating and whole foods, and the Slow-Carb Diet (which I'm going to try for 29 days, like the Becoming Minimalist blog post and the Live Your Legend founder Scott Dinsmore are doing). My 29 days starts on Monday, however. (January 7)

I just found the Slow-Carb Diet (SCD) post with real-life stories of people who have lost over 100 pounds.  Wow. This is the link.

* * *

>Watch This Space< 
Accountability & Action (in other words, things I'm doing to move forward in my adventure)

[1] Writing This Post.
[2] Signing Up for Fat Mum Slim's Photo A Day (Just this month... 29+2 days only) to help me keep focused on the adventure I'm not revealing quite yet.

* * *

My Photo for Today:

Since I took this photo of this page (from Susannah Conway's blog, btw), I've written on it the Bruce Lee Quote that has become my 2013 Mantra...

"It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential."

DECREASE is the word for the year... decrease my weight. decrease my stuff. decrease my discontentment. decrease the complexity.

* * *

DECREASE ACTION:
My Plan is to use 15 minutes (or more, if that is the course it takes), 5 or 6 days a week to reduce, de-clutter, simplify and decrease my belongings
.
I threw away a lot of recyclable paper (junk mail), clearing the corner of a table in my studio. (I'll only say this once, here... My craft room is no more... I may use the space to create, but it is my studio... and the decreasing action(s) are to help me realize that expectation.  What we name things is important.)

Mid-February Re-Start

I was up 3 lbs at Medifast yesterday. Knew it would be bad.

No surprise... though this past Monday I saw a new (low) number on my home scale... I then went out and bought "treats" for my team at work = Butterfinger hearts and Dark Chocolate Dove hearts... and well, they got a few of the Butterfinger hearts.

I also inhaled a tin of semi-deluxe nuts (less than 50% peanut mix) in a couple of days... and combine high salt with not enough water... having a sugar binge - all that equaled the 3 lb gain. Well, I have to say it stops today.

Yesterday, driving home -- I bought roasted almonds and bag of Lindt's Chocolate truffles - which are my favorite.  3 truffles = 15 carbs... but of course I didn't limit myself to only 3.  I just called the day a loss and rather than go have a couple of slices of pizza... or some salsa & chips... I enjoyed the sugar; then crashed.
* * *

Last night I once again was thinking about what kind of life is what I want to live
[my mind is racing right now and it is a bit difficult to be coherent when so many thoughts are competing to be first... just a warning that the following may or may not make sense.]
and I had the thought that I need to be a grown up.

(I think) a lot of what I'm struggling with is my inner child not wanting to give up anything. (scrapbooking, memorabilia, stamping, crafting, projects, sewing, Martha Stewart-esque plans for my home and life)

I don't want to have to make a choice. I want it all.

And it isn't the first time I've had the thought, but it is the first time I've had it so incredibly internal -- not just like I was looking at the thought and understanding the concept intellectually and saying, "I see... interesting and quite true..." as if from afar... like an objective counselor talking with a counselee... but rather -- having it come from a bubbling place inside of me. Without Resentment. It was with Acceptance.

HUGE!

Can we hear a big WOOT!!!???!!!

* * *

What I want is changing... and the letting go of past dreams in order to create and make real the new ones I think puts me in a place of mourning.  Mourning the death of past dreams, which I'm still (very much so) attached to, and love dearly; and if there was enough time in the day I still totally want to do (!) But the reality of needing to make some difficult choices creeps in more and more each day, and I'm still in the process of trying to get clear on what it is I want my (our) life to look like.

1. Health & Fitness -- (still looking to add another 30 minutes of walking a week, and two or three days of resistance fitness activity)
2. Home & Husband -- Simplifying. Clearing the stuff. Cooking healthier. Planning time together. Growing a Kitchen Garden. Having a herb garden.
3. Job/Career -- still working on how to want this as a higher priority in reality
4. Family & Relationships (has moved up the priority list) -- taking a balance of time off between family and chorus/quartet events. Keeping a few meaningful card-making supplies for creating a few meaningful projects.
5. Quartet -- Be a member of Club 21 (means winning a regional contest and a shot at competing at International)
6. Chorus -- Be a member of a Top 10 Chorus.

To accomplish even a simplified list of things: my main goal is to go to bed earlier (by 10:30 at the latest) and getting up at a regular time (5:30 at the latest). Watching less mindless television.

So I've been trying to think of things that will actually get me excited to get up in the morning put together a list of things to think about before I fall asleep that I will remember in the morning so I'll actually get up... and be productive... some reasons to get up consistently at 5am.

I struggle with being specific in this area.  Having a list of housework that I need to accomplish isn't doing the trick. Surprise. Not.

Doing music is one of them... but in order for me to get up, start the kettle for coffee/tea and actually come in and be productive - I need the space to work (which is definitely NOT something I have around me at the moment) and some outlined goals on which to focus.
* * *


And I have to express my extreme sadness and grief of the too early death of one of Pop Music's greatest voices. Whitney Houston died yesterday at age 48 -- details about it I haven't seen yet, but I would guess that her later drug use and addiction came from a place of trying to escape the pressure and expectation that a needy (greedy) business demanded.  And from what sounds like a tormenting love relationship.

What a gift she was blessed with, such a tragic, tragic end to her life. My prayers are with her family :(
* * *

I'm so blessed... and incredibly thankful. Thank You.
* * *
eta:
PS -- is is 02-12-2012.  Cool. Thanks Ben

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Happy Faces Pretending... All the While Attacking Ourselves with Words We'd Never Dream of Saying to Anyone Else...

Love this from Ellen over at "Fat Girl Wearing Thing" about 'Ditch the Weight; Lose the Hate' challenge 2012.

She says this...

Have you ever noticed that the tools needed to repair ourselves on the outside are plentiful and readily available?  They come in the form of diets, exercise equipment, menu plans, gyms, diet aids, gadgets, specialized shoes and clothing – you name it.  We can’t hide our weight from others and that too becomes a motivator.  But feelings of regret, hopelessness, fear, humiliation, anger, self ridicule and belittlement are so much easier to hide; to pretend they don’t exist.  The tools we need to fix those areas of our lives aren’t so readily available.  So, we put on happy faces and pretend that we don’t mentally and emotionally attack ourselves with words we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. 

I put in red the part that really really called me out. So many things going through my mind right now about the close of another year... another great post from Ellen is about Reflecting on the past year and seeing what we have achieved.  Yes, I've lost 100 lbs. I am not done, but right now am acting as if I were... what the hell? And when I look at these reflection questions and answers, I just feel like I'm not enough... there's so much more to do and to improve upon. And the overwhelm begins. And the 'why bother?' creeps in, and I've not even noticed it until there's a big, cold draft in my supposedly safe and warm and loving spirit.

We all have to find our own way... we ask others, we consult, we research.  We ponder, we discuss, we have coffee and perhaps even some chocolate. We feel guilty, we feel success... often I feel those in the same instant. We vent. We Try... we might fail - sometimes we prosper. We grow... or at least we think we are growing. We hope perhaps *this* will help... or maybe *that* -- a new calendar, a new motivational statement... a new mantra... a new friend...but it is only when I realize that I. am. enough. that the spiralling self-destructive thought pattern is disrupted.

I believe in God. A Creator - who created me exactly as I am meant to be. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to improve on - that is part of the challenge (and what I believe to be part of the meaning) of life. I have so much trouble remembering on a daily, constant basis that part of the journey is making mistakes, and accepting yourself anyway; falling down, and getting up again; learning the hard way, and yet still forgiving yourself.

All so much easier said (and written) than done (and lived). I have to keep reminding myself that I Am Enough.
I am good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Friendly enough. Loving enough. Thoughtful enough. Detached enough. Emotional enough. Disciplined enough. Tough enough. Soft enough. Opinionated enough. Self-reliant enough. Savvy enough. Humble enough. Intelligent enough. Reading enough. Watching enough. Thankful enough. Inspired enough. Planning enough. Sleeping enough (ha ha!). Aware enough. Eating enough. Exercising enough. Thinking enough. Writing enough. Daydreaming enough. Walking enough. Cooking enough. Cleaning enough. Singing enough. Praying enough (never enough of this, I'm afraid). Grateful enough.

Enough starts to look misspelled after awhile.

Enough.

Enough is enough.

7 days away from the 365th Day of Medifast

... January 4, 2012 it will be one year.

So many things have gone through my head the last few weeks.

I don't know where to begin.  Except I know that losing the weight is only the beginning.  I am still the same person, with the same frustrations, the same inclinations, the same temptations as I was 100 lbs ago.

I know this because I have ventured off the MF path and indulged a bit -- not in bread, pasta, potatoes or corn on the cob... but in dark chocolate, and much larger portion sizes (which equals more calories and feeling more lethargic!).  I also did indulge in 3 Luxury Mince Pies (they're the size of a small cupcake) made by Walkers that were wonderful.  I didn't eat them all in one sitting...which was also very wonderful.  And there were 6 in the box, and one I gave away; two himself got to enjoy.

I felt really crappy Monday night after eating a lot of sugary things Sunday and Monday.  I will have sugar in my life, but it will have to be Oh-So-Worth-It, and very intentional.

I realize I HAVE to get back to blogging regularly.  It was this that kept me honest and focused - and I need to put my time and energy back here where it belongs.  Full Stop.

It has been a lovely break. I go back to weigh on January 7th -- and after the last dark chocolate covered almond with turbinado sugar and sea salt is gone (which it is now), I will be back to being 'good as gold' in the eating to lose weight Medifast Method.

Two things to consider as my 'new focus' in the new year -- [1] Stop Complaining and [2] Put things away whether I'm done/finished or not.

Life is an amazing thing. If you're reading this, you're probably incredibly blessed too. Let's be grateful for what we have, and the gifts we've been given (talents, skills, abilities) -- and share. 

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Acceptance... of the gifts & talents... AND the 'Never Ever Evers...'

My new favorite blog/writer is White Hot Truth -- and THIS POST made me burst out in tears today.

I think we waste a lot of time wishing for things --

I wish I was... a naturally non-cluttered person;
I wish I was... more organized
I wish I was... better at math
I wish I was... more athletic

I wish for everyone that we become happy with who we are. Right Now. That we love who we are at this moment... that we are becoming exactly who we are meant to be - with all our natural abilities (maybe undiscovered), AND all our natural non-abilities (I have to work at keeping things simple and manageable). I have to re-remember every time all the reasons why exercise is what I want in my life... every single time I go to exercise.

I wish for everyone that we love ourselves for what we can do right now.

It isn't that I don't want to have goals or things to improve or work toward ~ but the inner beatings need to stop.  Accept that I'll never ever be a size 10... that I'll never ever have a flat stomach... that I'll never ever like to clean my house... that I'll never ever want to pull weeds or do the physical labor that is required for a beautiful back yard myself...

I am a natural singer, and have been blessed with musical genes from both sides of my family -- and I need to accept it, love it, use it and (hopefully) bless others with this gift. Stop comparing my special gift with others who ALSO have been given special gifts and talents.

Don't knock the talents you have just because it comes easily... there are people out there who wish they could do what we can -- and vice-versa. Enjoy the differences. Learn and challenge ourselves to improve... but love yourself all the time.

Day 225

At Medifast yesterday I was down 2.5 lbs for a total of 88 lbs down.  While I was only down 2 lbs over two weeks, my body scan showed that I have lost 7 lbs of body fat.  The walking 6 miles a week is helping!!

This morning on MY scale I saw a new number ~ 244.8.  Discussion with my MF counselor yesterday was focused on ... staying focused. Journalling. Making a plan of eating for the week... and I promised to get back to blogging every day -- putting this BACK on top of the priority plan.

Yes, life has things coming at us all the time, things which want to move us [DISTRACT!] from one direction to another... things that look more fun, or look like a better idea "in the long run," or... in my case... "Look! Shiny!" And before we know it, we've stopped the good habits we're trying to build.

And while I'm giving myself grace and forgiveness when I stumble for a time... that doesn't mean that my Health/Fitness actions move from the number #1 spot in my priority plan/schedule for the day, week, month, year, decade... LIFE!!

And God needs to be overall, in all goals, in all actions, in all plans... and I've lost sight of how helpful it is to take time every day to just "Be Still and know that He Is God" -- to release my worries, my stresses, my anxiousness to Him. 

As the Fabulous Renee Porzel said last weekend about chorus members on the risers... "[the director/choreographer's directions] release us from having an opinion."  ~ I think this relates fabulously to God and what He wants for us... His desire for us to follow Christ... (and the "Plan for Life" that is called the Bible) releases us from having to think about it.  Being obedient actually does give us a bit of freedom.

And this works for food, for exercise, for studying... just being obedient to the plan you're following, without argument, without cajoling, without bargaining... simplicity at its finest, really.

Ah... easier said than done, but what a good reminder for me today.

A number of years ago I lost 25 lbs doing the Weigh Down Workshop (Gwen Shamblin).  I think the foundation of the program (eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied... and when you want to eat from any other reason other than fuel and energy for the body, then turn to God and His Word to fill that emotional hole.) is sound, though I think there was too much guilt, and then the program lost its way when her church started up (!)... ANYWAY... my point was -- Finding Freedom in Obedience was a mainstay of the philosophy, and 'being released' from having to argue or have an opinion is extremely freeing.
* * *

Yesterday was very busy... 4 hours on the road to Chandler... met my mom & step-dad for a brief visit and coffee after the MF appointment... then Craft Class (Fragrance Diffusers)... then picked up the soap we made in July... then dinner with a good friend... then home to my cute hubby and catching up on Project Runway.
* * *

My friend's been a widow 3 years today... I can't believe it has been 3 years since that tragic bicycle accident that took away the life of a vibrant, energetic, God-loving, enthusiastic, intelligent, oreo-cookie-loving husband, father & grandfather.

We never know what the day will bring.  It just reminds me again of what is important -- people and relationships -- not objects and possessions.

Day 177 ~ 80 lbs DOWN!!!

Wow.

I can't believe I've come this far. I have to try on clothes now to see if they're going to fit -- whereas I just guessed before because it really didn't matter.  Big and loose was my criteria -- now I have to worry about what it actually fits like.

Shopping is becoming fun again... it has been A LONG time since I enjoyed going clothes shopping.  I still can't buy a lot, because I don't know what the final number/size will be ~ but there are certain things I can get that don't really matter -- things with drawstrings around the waist, for instance.
* * *

I finished the first week of work with my NEW PROMOTION!! WOOT!!! I think I'm gonna like it here.... I'm plagued with the normal self-doubts and general lack-of-knowledge and there are a lot more numbers than I anticipated (keeping track of agents' stats - CPH, APH, PROD, Efficiency, Testable, Show Rate....). 

Thursday, one of my new team members brought in 5 pans of home-made German Chocolate Frosted Brownies.... (?!?)  and gave me one of the pans.... OMG!!!

But, guess what? I wasn't even really tempted.  I was curious as to what they tasted like, but they did have huge chunky walnuts (not a fan of chunky walnuts... more of a pecan/almond/cashew/pistachio/peanut fan), so wasn't overly curious.  When I dished up a big plate for himself, I managed to sneak 1/4-of a fingernail taste of the frosting and it was TOO SWEET!! Hallelujah!!
* * *

Chorus and quartet have been really really busy... show planning for the chorus (November 12 is the date), singing gigs for the quartet ($$), and trying to get my craft room moved into the new room... plus it has heated up tremendously in the past week -- so of course, while I'm not feeling the heat like I used to, it is still 110 in the shade and makes me just want to sit like a lump in my recliner with the air blowing over me!

Plus the new job responsibilities... a changing schedule and normal "life" -- and things have been a bit busy.
* * *

Spent this afternoon with a wonderful, dear friend, who has discovered the joy and magic of theatre and acting ~ and we had a really good talk about passion, balance, choice and perspective at Starbucks over a course of 3 hours.  It was awesome!

An added bonus... I was turned away from the door when she came in -- I'd arrived about 10 minutes earlier, had our seats picked out and was putting my goodies in my iced Americano -- I turned around and she had not realized I was there already and thought she was there first and was looking for a table.  When I turned around her face was just lit up with surprise and love and pleasure for me.  She made me cry with compliments -- and that is how close to the surface I've been all day. Incredibly thankful and blessed.
* * *

I didn't walk this week because of the unknown schedule, but I think that will even out a little and I'm planning to add a third day in.  So far my buddy and I have been walking 3.1 miles 2X a week -- which takes just about an hour.  My 3rd day to add I'll keep to about 30-45 minutes, I think -- and we may be taking it inside the mall until the weather cools down -- we'll see.
* * *

I'm feeling good right now. So Grateful for my step-father, my mother, my dad, and my husband... along with my buddies on Facebook who are so supportive of my efforts of losing weight and just so encouraging... along with my wonderful lovely quartet friends, and of course, my Sweet Adeline friends.  I can't wait to see a bunch of them in August and perhaps have more than one of them not recognize me in my new skin.

I know I have to remember this elation now and forever, as once maintenance hits and there aren't any more accolades about how fantastic it is that I've been able to do so well (etc...), I'll need to keep myself motivated and remember these happy, glad and joyful feelings... and that it is ALL part of the journey... even when this is no longer new.

I'm not doing it for the compliments. I'm doing it for the life I want to live. To sing better. To have energy. To be reasonably fit. To meet others who have healthy goals and habits. For the Health of it!

Happy Birthday to My Mom!! (Day 173)

What a Fun & Exhausting Weekend!!

Footnotes Quartet sang at Bookman's -- for two hours! we received payment AND Bookman's Credit ... which is way fun! We had a blast, and thanks to so many friends and family who showed up!!

Mom & Step-dad came down for the weekend... a little getaway (and a few degrees cooler here than in Phoenix area) for her birthday...

And the chorus had a Farewell Party ~ Luau Karaoke! to say goodbye to some people who will definitely be leaving big HOLES in the chorus!

As an experiement... here 's a video of some of the party... it is dark, but you get the idea.

On my scale ~ I see a new number!! VERY exciting!!

I wore my shorts today... also very exciting!!

I am now in a new position at work, a promotion has come my way! I'm excited to be learning new things and perhaps being a supervisor/manager is in my future...?!

Feeling very grateful and extremely blessed. ♥

Day 159

Not too much different going on... did another selfish thing to another friend... shorter time in the beat-myself-up hole... but long enough.  Ack.  Avoiding that feeling is why I try to be perfect.  Damn this human-ness that prevents me from perfection!

I'm down 2 lbs this morning... yesterday's eating was without a lot of veggies... 3 stalks of celery, to be exact... and lots of walking around singing in the heat of the Tucson Downtown between 6pm and 8pm, which... I have to say... the heat didn't bother me AT ALL.

For anyone who knows me, this is a huge thing.  Yes, it was warm. I had water, I wore appropriate clothing. 70 lbs ago I would have died.  If for no other reason, just being able to live comfortably in the desert heat has been such a HUGE blessing result of losing the extra insulation layer that is certainly NOT needed in the desert...  so I'm saying it again --- I'm thrilled with this weight loss!!

Ha. Seems obvious, but I don't know if I've put it in those terms yet.

My wedding ring I can now maneuver off my finger with just my fingers... I hope that makes sense... I can wriggle it off my finger up and down the ring finger and it is so cool to have that little reminder of how much weight is gone.  I even was able to wear it on the middle finger AND the ring finger of my right hand... which never has happened before.  I still have 'fat' fingers... genetics from dad, I'm afraid... but this finger thing is a big deal in my world.

Apparently enough to warrant a blog post (*LOL*).
* * *

My craft room has furniture and crafts in it! The desk my computer will go on is set up, the peg-board wall and IKEA hanging wire thing-a-ma-jig is now installed... two Expedit units are put together, and shelves are up!  It is so fun to be in the process of moving, organizing, sorting and putting together my creative space!!!  This is where a lot of my energy is going... how to decorate it, how to have it set up to function the best, etc... I'm so happy and thrilled... and my hubby has outdone himself with getting the last little things done so quickly.  I think he saw how his office will soon be ALL his faster... which I'm sure has helped inspire him.  Whatever the reasons... He ROCKS!!

I'll post pictures soon...
* * *

I just want to say... this may seem random, but whatever ;-)

Everyone can sing. (Not everyone has to listen, however...).  Everyone SHOULD sing... even if only for yourself, in the shower or whatever.  And people who "judge" people and tell them not to sing shut down an entire side of expression of self.  Some people are better singers than others... just like some people can do math faster, and other people have baking skills, and others have talent carving wood. 

“Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.” ~ Henry Van Dyke

 The other thought I have is that I'm really really tired of hearing people say, "I'm not creative."  Perhaps you're not artistic... but everyone has creativity in some form or another.  The definition of creative is when you can think of another use for something than for what the item was originally intended.  Anytime you've used your shoe to nail something into wall is a time you're being creative.  As I'm thinking of ways to decorate my Creative Studio Space (as it is also a music room, not just crafts), I am reminded of this creative vs artistic debate.

I'm sort of artistic, but I need to practice to be better... there are naturally artistic people out there, and then there are people who have a bent that direction, but just need to work at it more.  The same quote above works for those who think they have no artistic talent, either... if you want something you have to put effort toward it... and if something doesn't come easily... that doesn't mean you shouldn't put a little time toward it and see what happens.

Off the somewhat rambling Soapbox. Perhaps a more in-depth look at this topic will be done later... lots of things that have a deadline to be done today.

Thanks for reading.

Off to work on promoting the upcoming Chorus Show (November 12, 2012) to senior audiences!

Day 148

Woefully behind... out 3 nights a week with chorus stuff. The job is going well. Medifast was awesome last week, this week a bit slower... my George Foreman Grill broke tonight... not happy! Have made delish shish-ka-bobs with chicken and veggies on the grill ~yum~!

Getting up more regularly early... walking semi-regularly... must get to sleep now.  Not sure when real posting will happen again...

Still very very grateful and thankful and feeling GREAT!  I'm so blessed.

Day 131 ~ I avoided the cheesecake

Today I scrapbooked for the first time in awhile... saw a scrapper friend I've not seen since losing 60 lbs, and won the "Grand Prize" of a $50 Gift Certificate worth of Creative Memories products.

I have had a good day.

I feel beaten and sad. I'm still feeling bad over something I did two weeks ago, and now small little things are annoying me.

I've walked 7 miles this week (YAY!).

I had a successful week of training for a new job ~ I'm now employed by the American Red Cross as a Telerecruiter for Blood Services... I've learned a lot about Regulations, Blood facts, and Consent Decrees. Well, not a lot about Consent Decrees, but a little.

My quartet had a fabulous weekend singing around town for Mother's Day Harmony-Grams, and now we're booked at a local bookstore in June to sing for *money!!* Woot Woot!!!!  And one of the hair salons we sang in was impressed enough to ask for a business card and hopefully some community opportunities will come from that.

My point: things are good. Writing this short list of good things helped REMIND me that I'm blessed. I'm still so thankful for losing weight, and Medifast, and my cute hubby... so these useless feelings need to say adios & sayonara!

Hrmph.

Day 118 ~ Rough Day

I've hung up laundry from the dryer. I've loaded, washed and unloaded the dishwasher, I've unloaded the dish drying rack.  I've showered and prepared to go out this afternoon.  I've had two MF meals and a snack. Girl Week is starting today. I cried in the shower with the overwhelming feelings of having feelings that are overwhelming.

My life is good. I am so blessed. I am so thankful.

I have an inability to break jobs down into small, manageable tasks, and it is killing me. I read stuff all the time... how to de-clutter. how to organize. how to make labels. how to.. how to... how to...

And yet, no follow through.

* * *

Today is a rough day... full of pointlessness. I really really don't like days like this, and they happen more often than I let on.  I'll put on a good face, and fake it to the public.  But the truth is, I just want to sit and watch HGTV decorating and house hunting shows.  Or... if my desk was clean... play with some modge podge ideas.  Days like today it is hard for me to want to sing, and that is a dark day when I don't seem to find music.

I didn't exercise, but that was planned - I walked 10 miles in 8 days, from essentially nothing... so my body likes and appreciates the break. (Rascal has his opinion, however - ha!)

I'm having a very hard time disengaging from my commitments... and when I say "no more" I feel incredibly, horribly guilty.

* * *

This morning I was doing the "Do Your Values Align With Your Life?" exercise, from Live Bold & Bloom blog, and my top 5, non-negotiable life values (from a HUGE 3-page list) are:

1. Fitness & Health
2. Growth (which I align with words like Knowledge and Learning)
3. Faith (which I align with words like Optimism, Spirituality, Perseverance)
4. Fun (which I align with words like Playfulness, Recreation, Silliness and Humor)
5. Organization (which I aligned with Tidiness)

Number 5 was really hard to determine... I was fighting it the entire time... but I realize that so much of my crappy feelings come from what is, at bottom line, too much crap. Too Much Stuff.  What am I afraid of if I lose it?

side thought: so much of who I am has been defined by telling myself who I'm not. (which is directly related to not being my mom... who reads this blog -- and she'll know which parts I'm fighting, but that she is my rock, and my steadfastness of faith and integrity... so it wouldn't be the worst thing to be more like her!! I ♥ You Mom!) I've fought like a demon not to have a job or career that demands so much energy I don't have time for things I love. . . the weird part being I've never imagined a job or career that I would/could care so much about that I would WANT to devote so much energy to... except music, which -- well, that is another post altogether.

Creativity/Craftiness didn't even make the top 5 - it was on the top 10, however.

Within the Growth value I have put: learning more about music and how to teach it, and organic gardening and herbal remedies (those are the things I want to learn more about)
* * *

I have to leave now, this is by no means resolved... but as the weight is coming off, the other stuff is rising to the top, and I can't (or won't!) eat to cover it up... ugh. Just have to go through it and remember I'm doing the best I can (with what I have, where I am).

Day 116 = A New LOW Number on the scale!!

YAY YAY YAY!!!

April has been the land of the same 4 lbs going up and down, up and down, U P and D O W N... just about driving me crazy!

I started walking this week... since last Friday I've walked 9.06 miles -- YAY ME!! :D

The endorphins make such a difference... I'm also saying a positive affirmation before I go to sleep every night, about how I love waking up early and working up a sweat in the morning... with joy and gratitude, etc... and the last thought I have before going to sleep is a conscious thought ... *I WANT to be fit, I WANT to get up early and welcome the sunrise... I want to get a jump start on my day and be happy and glad about it.*

Cuz really, it is just about changing our mind.

So much easier said than done.
* * *

I had a shift in understanding... I've said, I've read, I've known, I've understood... that putting fitness and exercise, if we really want to change, HAS to be the first priority... above social, above housework... for me it means fitness above chorus and quartet fun and those goals.  If I don't have my health, I won't be able to have the energy and stamina for someday directing a chorus, winning regional quartet contest, learning to arrange music in the barbershop (a cappella - 4-part) style, let alone just standing on the risers for 3 1/2 hours once a week (!).

Somewhere in my molecules, at a core level, I finally reached the point of heart understanding.  You know how sometimes you *know* something, and you understand the concept... your brain totally gets it. But it can be a long, difficult, arduous journey for that thought or concept to travel to your heart... where you 'get it.'

It is sort of a subtle change, I also refer to this as the switch being flipped... something in the inner core of my being changes significantly... and I think it is a direct result of "putting the right thoughts in the right bucket enough times," for that balance of buckets to change... which is what leads me to say it is as simple as changing your mind. But changing our mind is certainly not EASY.  Simple does NOT equal easy. Really and Truly making a change in our life is so very very hard... STAYING and KEEPING UP the changes is hard too. 
* * *

So, I was reminded at my Medifast clinic visit on Wednesday that I'm not supposed to exercise more than 45 minutes per day.  So... walk-running a half-marathon is out of my reach this year.  I'm pretty sure I can't do 13.1 miles in 45 minutes *laughing hysterically at the thought...*

So, I'm going to still do the Gabe Zimmerman triple crown, but the 5K fun walks instead.  I think I'll be able to get to 3 miles in about 45 minutes... especially if I don't take the dog on every single walk with me... The half-marathon will have to wait until I'm in transition and maintenance of Medifast... which, fingers crossed, will be next March!
* * *

Medifast Clinic Visit on Wednesday, April 27th
So..... I'm down 59.4 lbs in 16 weeks... that is an average of 3.7 lbs per week.

I was actually up .8 lbs from two weeks ago when I weighed in... BUT, my inches lost since the last time I 'd been measured was -26.25 for a total inches loss of 82.75!!

and this morning on my home scale, I am down 3 lbs since yesterday's weighing, and 5 lbs since Monday.

I'm over a third of the way to my goal.
* * *

I bought the MF cookbook this last time, as it is time to come up with some different meals.  I wrote down my L&Gs that I've been eating, and it seems I rotate between 9 different things... so I want to add another 9 or 10 to that number, at least so I can get a pretty good rotation going. 
* * *

Himself is recovering nicely from Gallbladder surgery a week ago Monday. The toughest part so far has been the recovering from the hernia repair... that is the part that the Doc said would take two years for it to be really normal.  They put in a wire mesh thingey, and we don't think it is something that will dissolve, but rather, it will be 'grown around' by his body... so the foreign object is what is taking so long to feel 'normal.'
* * *

My last day at work will be today -- going in to clean up some messes that I've left in my "To Do" files, and to finish up the Office Procedures Manual that I started.  The new gal I think will be a great fit for them, and I hope that this relationship lasts for a long time!
* * *

I've been really really busy with just doing the plan, and have missed blogging more regularly about it.  With my priorities sort of newly aligned, daily blogging may be something that doesn't fit within my daily habits right now... but once some of the other responsibilities I have are done and finished, then I'll stick it back in :-)
* * *

I've not done an April picture, so maybe I'll have himself take some photos later today... and then I'll log the numbers of the inches lost on the progress page as well.
* * *

If you're still reading.. thanks!! And I'm so thankful for anyone who stops by and reads... and I ♥ it when someone takes a couple minutes to just say "hi" and leaves me a comment.... *such a subtle hint, no?* 

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Day 109 ~ Time For A Real Reason To Get Up In The Morning

Well... today I've decided to begin to commence to start (*hee hee*) training for a half-marathon in Tucson in December. I'll be mostly walking/jogging (at least, that is what I believe I'll be doing at this point in my weight loss journey) per Jeff Galloway's  "Run Injury Free" methodology ..... he invented the "Galloway RUN-WALK-RUN™, low mileage, three-day marathoner training schedule [with a] ... 98% success rate." And when I'm in better condition to actually start training, I can download ipod sessions with the intervals all worked out for me. I ♥ Technology. (at least, I ♥ it today... it is a love/hate relationship with technology...) 

Just getting up in the morning to exercise hasn't really been pushing the right buttons to actually *get me to bed on time* and *get my you-know-what* out of my comfy-cozy snooze-fest bed. I know I need another reason that is more specific than "to be in better shape" or "to be fit" or "to lose weight faster."  For me, this would be a HUGE change in my life... and I'm committed to making this goal the number one priority (after sticking on the Medifast Diet 5 and 1 plan!!).

So: Tucson's Marathon (which is a Boston Marathon Qualifier, in case anyone wants to know) is Sunday, December 11, 2011. Holy Moly, I just clicked the "Register" button and it costs $70.00! With a Registration Fee of $4.84 and I have to purchase by the end of June.  I guess I'm just in time to put my feet where my mouth is (and have the money follow). 

Because I'm not in any sort of fitness condition to actually begin a training program... the Jeff Galloway site has an 8-week conditioning program -- I'll be just walking for now... I don't want to start jogging until I'm 25 lbs or less away from my goal weight.  As it is now, I'm 3 lbs from the weight limit on the elliptical we still have in the box... which I'm soooo excited to be so close to putting it together!
* * *

Eating: I'm up .8 lbs -- but still down (?!) if that makes any sense. I wrote out my list of "Tried and True" Lean & Green recipes and posted them on the fridge, (there are 9 of them) -- and over the next couple of days plan to try 4 new ones, and then find/try another 10 for a good rotation of meal options. Having the list on the fridge will hopefully help me write out the grocery list and plan a little better.
* * *

I start training with my new job on May 9th ~ I called the company and received confirmation that yes, I've been accepted as a new hire. I'm relieved, excited, kinda bummed about a real schedule that will have to be followed, but ultimately Very Very thankful, grateful and happy to have a larger paycheck in my future.

This was another reason to simplify my "GET UP EARLY AND EXERCISE" goal ~ if I'm working at 8am and it takes me 20+ minutes to get to work... I really need to start getting up at 5am (at the latest) so I can meet my running buddy nearby (i.e., get dressed and in the car), do the workout, get home, walk the dog, get showered and ready for work and leave with plenty of time. Call Center = No Likey Tardy Peeps.
* * *

I feel good today... I've been feeling really crappy the last couple of weeks -- headaches, shoulder aches, despondent thoughts, spirits down, bored with MF (due to my inability to move past the -54 lb mark, I'm sure...), and frustrated with myself and lack of follow-through with the getting up.

I feel like I've turned over a mental leaf.  I know there are people who are out there keeping me in their thoughts and prayers, and rooting for me... and I'm so thankful and grateful for you ♥.

Happy Good Friday...
* * *

Oh Yeah!!!! ~ One More Thing...

I tried on clothes that haven't fit me for awhile last night, hoping I'd have something "new" for Easter Sunday... and a blouse that really didn't fit when mom bought it for me, which I tried on about a month 1/2 ago and still was too snug... is something I think will be perfect for Easter Sunday!! WOOT!!

A favorite skirt that I've kept for ages fit too! Still a little snug around the waist, but it is a pull over/pull on skirt ~ and just being able to slip it over my head AND back off again without dislocating anything was a major feat! I can't wait to shop and find a couple of tops to go with it :-)