Challenged

I just had a short but good (sometimes hard) visit with my family in a different state. My nephew graduated high school (as a state National Honor Society and school NHS member!) and so the family gathered. He has a scholarship to a local university and while he doesn't (yet?) or hasn't (yet?) shown a real passion for a particular path - he plans to study science and music. We are proud of him, and I'm eager to see what path he ultimately will walk.

My niece, his older sister, is "doing it." What I mean by that is she had a vision, an idea and a goal to grow organic vegetables (tomatoes, to be specific) 'off season' and be able to provide these veggies by selling them at her stall at a Farmer's Market. And I'm so incredibly proud that she is DOING IT!

She is young, she is doing it her way, she's learning a lot of things and has had tons and tons of family support! She has an uncle who is a Regenerative Farming expert and who has, I suspect, been instrumental in her success thus far. I'm so proud and happy for her!! 22 Years Old! Go Sarah!!

All that to say... I come today to write about a conversation (and a challenge) I had with my father, who I've always seen and experienced as insightful, wise, stern and loving, that has been playing on my heart, and messing up my mind. I love my dad immensely. I admire him. ♥ I love him whole-heartedly for who he is and who I am because of him. He has impacted my life significantly.

Last year, for his 80th birthday, my brother gave him the gift of writing His Own Story. I'm not sure exactly the format - but my understanding is that dad is supposed to write the story of himself and when finished, the company that my brother purchased this gift from will then edit and format it so it can be published.

I asked my dad how that project of writing his own story was coming along.

I knew better than to expect a black or white response. But hope springs eternal, right? *wink wink*

I knew the answer I would receive wouldn't be "fine" or "great" or even "not so hot." It wouldn't be laconic or concise. It would start a conversation, and I frequently enjoy our conversations!

Our discussion traversed many roads, side tracks, squirrels and shiny objects. He challenged me that if I am really interested in what his story is, that I would invest my time in writing my own story to add to his. That I would put together my thoughts on the significance of the people, his people, in my life that I only had because of him (meaning his family) and add to "The Story." *in my head I am arguing the validity of his statement that adding my story to his is the only way to show my interest.

As expected, I didn't get a definitive answer. And that's okay. I know he has put together 50+ pages of his maternal family's history with pictures. I know he's been using ancestry websites (the free ones). I know he struggles with the variety of aspects of perspectives he can write from - so many choices! 

Does he write from his experiences as a father?
As a recovering alcoholic?
Does he just relay the facts like a timeline, without the 'whys and wherefores' that led to the decisions and choices he made?
Does he then share the outcomes that were the result of these choices? 

I said something about focusing on one tree, rather than the forest. 

When I said that, I smiled and admitted that I share his tendencies. I am definitely my father's daughter in that I overthink, want things to be perfect (perfectionism leads to procrastination), live in my head a lot, don't speak or think or write in bullet points, enjoy analyzing people and contemplating "how and why we are who we are and what makes us that way?" I too want to help others to be the best self they can be, and have incredibly high standards and expectations of myself and others.

There is a lot to unpack from our one-hour conversation... lots of stuff! My dad is, and I think has always been, looking for meaning. Significance. Instead of asking at the dinner table to each of his children, "what'd you learn in school today?" or "How was school?" ~ he'd ask, "What was the most significant thing that happened to you today?"

For me, answering "what is the most" kinds of questions is agony. I have trouble prioritizing. Which is something he brought up to me in the context of goals. My heart was slightly bruised by the judgement I heard when he said to me that he's heard me say hundreds of times "One of my goals is ..." Which led to him to telling me that Focus is the recipe for success*. My reply to his telling me that my life is living proof of what unfocused looks like, was that he was 'talking to the Carrie of 20 years ago.' He asked me what changed and I said, "Acceptance. Self-acceptance."

He was quiet, then shifted the conversation to more advice, that he believes all of his children would benefit from Al-Anon, despite the fact that I didn't live with him/them full time.

*Where's my "Atta-girl!"? Acceptance of Myself has been "the thing" we've probably talked about the most and he's encouraged me and inspired me and loved me through. 

But because I'm not around as often, and probably don't call as much as I think about calling, want to call and/or should call... he only sees my life and growth in the slices of time he's given.

I'm frustrated. Frustrated when he told me that I "wouldn't be interested in reading anything about" his life. Frustrated that he thinks it is egotistical to think that anyone would be interested in knowing more about his life.

Frustrated with myself that I haven't written (blogged) regularly on Wednesdays like I promised myself I would. A long while ago!

Frustrated that he doesn't think his life is worth writing down and sharing with us.

Frustrated that I can't help.

Frustrated that I believe I understand as much as I do about where his thinking has got him in this project and why he's stuck. *rueful laugh

No, I'm not 80 and don't understand  a l l  of it, obviously. 

At the heart of this conversation (and really, most of our conversations over the weekend) was his deep belief, conviction, really ~ that the world revolves around me. The universal ME. 

By that I mean: All of our lives, our experiences, our perspectives... it's always going to revolve around me. Me as the individual - that our human kind experience is self-centered, how everything we do and how we make decisions and choices comes down to self. You do what You do for You. I do what I do for Me. She does what She does for Herself. They do what They do for Themself (wow, that's not confusing just a bit).

I'm frustrated that I didn't remember to say to him the performer's motto ~ Think Of Your Audience. For performing artists we have to remember to take ourselves out of the equation and think of who we are sharing with, who is our audience; for whom are we performing? While it is true in my own experience that I love performing... sure for others but really I do it for me... I also know that the most significant (there's that word again) experiences for audience-members happen when the person - the self - of the performer is lost in the character, the music or the song.

And this is just the beginning of the unpacking. There's so much I left out of this first writing that transpired in our exchange. It's a process. This writing thing. There's a lot of unfinished thoughts here. Incomplete conclusions, perhaps a bit muddy. Ha! They're a bit cloudy for me, too! It leaves room for future posts, future conclusions, future stories.

Luckily, my van, suitcases and bags are unpacked (lol!).

*success. Each of us is going to define that differently. Oh goodie. Another topic :-).

And for what it's worth: I see lots of goals as optimistic. Forward-looking. Hopeful. And it's okay if some of them fall away. As we change, our goals will change. Go with it. Or better still... GROW with it! Letting go of old ideas can be painful. Hard. Really Hard. But having bright and shiny new ideas and thoughts and goals... well, that helps me keep my sunny side up!

My Month So Far

A long, boring post of what I've done since the beginning of October, 2014. I'm so distracted in the clutter and being overwhelmed, I just thought I'd list, rather than create. But, it is in the spirit of trying to write more regularly... which I've been horribly irregular about, here's my month so far:

10/1 - Met a friend at the Good Egg for 8am breakfast and to receive the goodies from my Origami Owl party (held on 9/21) to give to my friends who bought some pretty jewelry goodies! I've known this gal since my second time around at American Airlines Reservations employment (SWRO). She and I went through the coaching program together, and she's still working for them! At home, but still... I admire that tenacity!

10/2 - Haircut... I thought I was going to let my hair grow into a shaped bob, but can't deal with that right now... I started this day with writing down goals for the next week... taking time to write a "To Do List" and timing how long that took (7 minutes)... how long it would take to follow my Social Media plan (started with 15 minutes, but it went into 1 hour - and from what I've done today, I need to have a Serious Chat with myself about how I work this into my business plan... because days go by and I do nothing else). I wrote down a huge list of things to do, and I got some stuff done (like organizing tickets to the Tucson Desert Harmony October 18th Cabaret Show and getting my table of 8 guests done). I did talk to my tax guy, who advised - "Every time you take out your wallet and pay for something, write it down." He also suggested paying 20% of my Real Estate pay (commission checks) to the IRS every. single. check.  Which I think is a good idea for me. I think I spent a lot of time organizing my friends and groups in Facebook...
I texted a friend from ARC, talked to another friend about voice lessons for her daughter.

10/3 - I worked a lot on the Facebook messages about starting out in Real Estate. I received a possible lead. I worked on my personal excel spreadsheet of people I know, and how I can get their information to add to my RE Contact Management System. I did laundry. I sorted my "To Do List" A1, A2 etc...  I did start something for my first Open House which was held 10/5.

10/4 - Followed up with the potential lead from the Facebook Message, researched some house stuff. Had a long conversation with my mentor person about the Open House, changed my voicemail message.  Went to a friend's and picked up a few things that I ordered from Stampin' Up. That night himself and I watched "Life of Pi" and "Lincoln" ~ I enjoyed both movies quite a bit. I made lists of what to bring to the Open House.

10/5 - went to the College Class for church, grabbed some donuts and left, since the Open House started at 1pm. I called AT&T about my phone Hotspot, which they refreshed, or whatever, and it now works. The Open House was very educational. I have so much to learn. Potential leads - can't buy a house until January, not sure how often to contact, but did put them in the CRM for RE and sent out one email.

10/6 - Went to the RE Office and the "Map to Success" they have for the new agents. Made Zombie Finger Breadsticks for the Bunco that night (I was subbing).

10/7 - Office Meeting in the morning, met a friend for lunch at Chipotle, went back to the office for the tour of Procedures from the Office Administrator, who has been around for 20 years. (Which reminds me I need to do some serious thank you notes!) I deposited a check to the bank for show tickets. I wrote down in my "write everything down" notebook that I need to focus on [1] aspect of Real Estate a week to LEARN. Contracts (there are a bunch, so one week = Contracts and break it down to individual buyers, sellers, addendums, cures, etc...), Home Warranties, MLS etc.

10/8 - I started losing track of the days/dates on this day... I was supposed to go up and preview the house for the Open House tomorrow (Sunday, 10/12) - but it rained and my friend who lives up there had a hard time getting home, so I was thwarted. I don't think I left the house. But I did shower and dress as if I was. This is huge for me (!) This day was a 3 (quite bad) on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best. I broke down and had a crying jag. Just so completely overwhelmed with new career, messy house, so many things I want to accomplish. I ran out of pages in my "write everything down" notebook and well, basically Lost the Plot. I started watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix, and had a mini-fest. My brain needed the break... but this cycle needs to stop.

10/9 - Was on the phone for a while with a couple of different people - one called me for computer help, which is flattering. Another I called with a question about dues for my Tucson Chorus. Discussed branding and Message for this chorus, and how we really have to take our vibrant and fun hobby to a less-retired age group. I met another ARC friend at Starbucks and caught up on some of the goings on there...

10/10 - REBarCamp from 8 to 3 (I left earlier) - a whole day networking and going to break out sessions focused on Social Media and Technology in the field of Real Estate. Free food... goodies (pens, pads of paper, t-shirts, bags) and lots of new business cards. I have a new Facebook friend, and learned that I want to download and use Evernote. It was a good day, but I really struggle with mass networking like that. *REBarCamp - Real Estate BarCamp - BarCamp is such unhelpful name to understand what a great thing this is. "BarCamp is an international network of user-generated conferences primarily focused around technology and the web. They are open, participatory workshop-events, the content of which is provided by participants...The format has also been used for a variety of other topics, including public transit, health care, education, and political organizing. The BarCamp format has also been adapted for specific industries like banking, education, real estate and social media." (wikipedia) Himself and I went to dinner to one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow, with some friends, and had a great night. We came home and then watched Bones, then Criminal Minds. Went to bed pretty early.

Long Post!

So that is what I did. I feel like the list of what I didn't do far far supersedes anything I did. I've been tweeting more @hav2sing is my Twitter handle.

There is no wrap-up or conclusion. It is today, and I have to start a new "write everything down" notebook, put my mileage and receipts together, pay some bills, finish laundry, etc.

C25K Report - Day 1 Week 1 (intro to the VBW)

I didn't get up as early as I wanted to get on the treadmill ~ but I did get on it at 8am. I did an extra 5 minutes walking warm up because I'm prone to shin splints and an easy but long walking warm up seems to keep them away. I started out the first 5 minutes at 2.0 mph, started the App then went to 2.5 mph walking.

When it said to begin running, I did. As a point of information, my right knee is iffy - when I'm not over 300 lbs it isn't... another excellent reason to get the first 20 lbs off asap. Anyway, I was unable to sustain what I would call a "very bouncy walk" (VBW) for the first minute of running. Or the second minute of running. Or the third. 

Then I said, "Duh, go back to 2.0 mph, silly!" and voila! that worked and I was able to do the whole minute of my "VBW" and by 18 minutes into I was surprised at how fast the VBW minute went! That was an incredible realization of "this isn't dreadful, and I'm actually kind of enjoying it."

Here's what the App looks like, and I love it.

My goal in doing this isn't to really become a runner. It is about efficiently exercising. 30 minutes of VBW 3 or 4 times a week, with some walking in-between (or other form of physical exertion) is my ultimate goal. I'd like to get up to getting in a weekly total mileage of 10-12 combined VBW and regular walking.  Maybe I'll think about doing a 5K around Thanksgiving - we have a Turkey Trot that sounds like it might be fun.

On the Juicing Front - I've not had juice yet. I've had water, coconut water, a banana, a few sesame sticks with chia seeds, some dried apricots (5), a couple small handfuls of cashews, and some dried fruit and dried veggies from Sprouts. I have a juice in the fridge, which I will drink after completing this entry - and juice some more.

At sprouts I bought veggies for a 10-day Reboot with Joe (Cross) from his website... so that is what I need to go and do. Juice! New Juices! Woot!

I felt absolutely fantastic after my morning workout. I have to remember that I don't have to make it a big deal, I don't have to do it for 45 minutes to an hour. I don't have to make it difficult (which is a specialty of mine... making mountains out of molehills). 10 minutes is better than none minutes. And I really do want to get it out of the way first thing in the morning; so I can exercise, then juice for the day - then do whatever is next for a productive day.

Health... It is What is on the Front Burner

To bottom line it...
Without health ~ well, everything is just that much more difficult.

Here's to a new Weight Loss Journey.

Writing is More About Editing... Yes? Life is about that too.

I don't have a problem writing - it is the "know when to stop" thing that kinda gets in the way. Sticking to a particular theme for this blog has long since gone away - now that I've gained all my weight back (130 lbs), as I'm not focused on 'The One Thing' any longer, any subject is fair game.

Focus is not over-rated. At least not for me. Losing focus hasn't been an advantage.

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically ~ to say NO to other things. And the way to do that is to have a bigger YES burning inside." ~ Stephen Covey

Then I found this blog post about juggling your passions like pots on a stove (and goes as far as keeping other projects in Tupperware in the fridge...) and while I adore the thought that I can do that, I know that it doesn't work as well for me - I have been trying for a long time to do "everything at once" - for lack of better words - and end up feeling entirely too overwhelmed and quitting everything.

So... bringing it in to the title of this post ~ Editing is about choosing what is necessary to be communicated - what is essential within the framework of the project (essay, book, blog post...) that you want to say.  Liken this to life (not a new comparison, I'm sure) and the life you want to live; and minimalism (or, rather simplicity and living with less - a la Courtney Carver and this post which really spoke to me the other day...) Living Intentionally. Being More With Less. Hacking Away at the Unessential. This is my goal. And this road is long, emotionally taxing, simple to say and not-in-any-way easy. I'm spending so much energy on it, that other areas of my life truly suffer.

One thing at a time. A Burning Yes that over-rides all others... Kinda like the "secret to life is one thing" from the movie City Slickers, right...?
I printed out the Zen Things... which sits above my desk, but look at my desk:

The Dissonance between Zen Things & My Desk

It is still better than it has been before, and I give myself "Atta-Girl!"'s because I can actually USE it, but there are 5 things "to do" or "in process and undone" sitting on it.

#1 on the list: "Do one thing at a time" (um, can we say, fail?)

The one thing that should be overriding all of this is losing the excess weight and feeling healthy and fit(ish).  Eating Less of the bad stuff (reading "Why We Get Fat" by Gary Taubes is a good start) so I can physically fit in my Tiny House with just the essential stuff...

My head hurts from thinking about it and going in circles. On the other hand, I do happen to have #8 down perfectly, on the Zen List, however (just in case this post is too depressing) ~ "Devote time to sitting."

I've failed at editing 'the perfect post' - and life is real... it is a real struggle (for me) in making daily choices of priorities. Keeping in mind my own "one thing." It seems to change daily. So many things are racing through my head right now, so I'll edit in as much as I won't go there publicly yet... maybe some journal thoughts first.

Finish the book. Take the Real Estate Test(s). Abstain from Flour, Sugar and Starch.

Okay, not the "Do One Thing At A Time" - but there are 4 burners on my stove, after all...

Attachment

Father's Day, 2014
We just got back from a road trip to Oklahoma to see family there ~ and look at "The Farm" - which I'd been calling "The Property" and was corrected.  Technically, it is property (mostly pastureland) that my sister, brother and I will inherit, and at which current time there is no farming happening... so despite being told to call it 'The Farm' ~ I will continue to call it 'The Property.'

We had a great trip - road tested the new Town & Country Van (2013 Touring Edition), and took along Rascal... overnighted in Albuquerque, and spent 5 nights in Oklahoma City with my dad and step-mom, caught up with my sister and her kids, and generally had a real vacation... doing something totally different than our life here.

* * *

May was busy... new Van, quit American Red Cross, paid for Real Estate School (which begins tomorrow), emptied out the storage unit, so my room is crowded again...

* * *

I have 6 or 7 plastic bins and boxes full of pictures, negatives, journals, calendars etc... to scrapbook from the time I started collecting things about my life.  I've scrapbooked (in the traditional sense) since I knew what it was. I'm still not sure why, exactly - I would make a guess in the area of self-validation. To remember the life I've lived, and to be proud of what I've done (or not done, ha ha). To keep alive memories that may have been buried or forgotten, which I believe are worth remembering.

But my deal with myself is that if, by the end of 2014, these things are not properly scrapbooked, the bins emptied, and the journals read for the timeline and details to "tell the memory book story," then I will let it all go.

Visiting my dad's - he has bookshelves and his computer filled with pictures. Family. Genealogy-type things. It gives us a sense of where we fit in our family, I suppose...? Pride in the hard-working family stock I come from, that is for sure (and where is that in me?). Dad and I didn't have a chance to talk about his ultimate goal for the pictures... what he sees his finished (but what is really a work-in-progress project) product to look like.

I understand that I come by my love of history, family, pictures... very naturally, I see now.

The other thing I came away with from my trip was understanding something dad said about attachment.  He said something about 'being attached makes everything more difficult.' If we could detach ourselves from things (and people, even), then going through life would be much easier.

And this is all just stuff.  these bins of my life, my memories... And why do I want to spend time (precious time) putting my life into order? Who will I leave it for? I don't see anyone wanting my life's memories after I'm dead. And when I think about that, I become sad that I don't have children. Then I think about raising a child today and the political climate, the moral climate, etc... and I'm so relieved I don't have a child to protect.

And life is about now. Right? Remembering we are all connected, we are all part of the human story - regardless of any kind of religious belief or unbelief - we all share this earth, this space, this time. And I believe that building personal relationships that help each other now is more important than the past.

[Side Note: I tend to remember the negative, guilt-inducing, shameful, painful memories of my life, and the pictures/journals give me balance in restoring what delicate sense of self-esteem I have. This is a constant battle for me... keeping the good memories and the painful memories balanced... helping me stay afloat in the sea of depression that threatens to drown me, dragging me into a swirling whirlpool below the surface, where I lose the sunlight and all the colors that keep me optimistic and joyful.]

This turned out to be more post than I intended.

The bottom line: What do I want most to accomplish in this life?

Living in color * Health! * Garden (healing, eating, peaceful, life-force-giving) * Recognition for sharing the talents I've been given (Performance, Teaching) * Creativity * Relationships (spending time, giving time to people) * Building people up, assisting in bringing about Joy & Peace *

Motivation: Regular Exercise, Eating Healthy, Decreasing the Clutter

"Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways. "
Writer, H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Discipline.
Self-Control.

I want to feel like Julie Andrews feels about discipline:

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly."

The Bible has things to say on this too...
"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."  Hebrews 12:11 

I lose motivation so easily.
So I went in search of advice... I think sometimes sticking to the routine and simply not thinking about whether or not there is a choice is key for me.  "Just pull up your big girl pants and do it." often works for me to do something I don't feel like doing.

Ah, there is the problem.. "something I don't feel like doing." I need to embrace the concept of 'Do it whether I feel like it or not!'  I'm thankful for FlyLady's concept of 'You can do anything for 15 minutes." 15 minutes of washing dishes, 15 minutes of clearing a corner of my desk, 15 minutes folding and putting away laundry, 15 minutes of walking...

And finally, a great quote by Seth Godin:
"Discipline is obeying the rule you set when you were in a different mood than you are now."

Here's what I came across on a quick google search of 'how to stay motivated.'

Seven Steps to Staying Motivated

1. Set a goal and visualize it down to the most minute detail. See it, feel it, hear the sounds that accompany the end result (wind rushing through your hair, applause). Elite athletes visualize their performance ahead of time — right down to the smell of the sweat dripping down their face as they cross the finish line.

2. Make a list of the reasons you want to accomplish the goal. In our busy, distracting world, it’s easy to get blown off course. This is why you need to ground yourself in your goal. For extra “success insurance,” write your list with a pen. Studies show that when we write by hand and connect the letters manually, we engage the brain more actively in the process. Because typing is an automatic function that involves merely selecting letters, there’s less of a mental connection.

3. Break the goal down into smaller pieces and set intermediary targets — and rewards. I’ve called this “chunking” long before there was a Wikipedia to explain that there are eight variations of the concept. To me it’s the best non-pharmaceutical antidote to ADHD. Tony Robbins, arguably the foremost motivational speaker and personal development coach, says: “A major source of stress in our lives comes from the feeling that we have an impossible number of things to do. If you take on a project and try to do the whole thing all at once, you’re going to be overwhelmed.”

Enter chunking. My system involves chipping away at a project. Break it down into the smallest realistic steps and only do one at a time. Neuroscience tells us that each small success triggers the brain’s reward center, releasing feel-good chemical dopamine. This helps focus our concentration and inspires us to take another similar step. Try this with your bête noire, whether organizing your papers and bills or setting out to find a new job.


4. Have a strategy, but be prepared to change course. Let Thomas Edison inspire you in this department: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.” “The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

5. Get the help you need. It doesn’t necessarily take a village, but even if you could theoretically accomplish your objective alone, there’s inherent value in sharing your plan. It’s why people get married in front of witnesses. Announcing your intentions sends a strong message to the world and, more important, to your unconscious mind, which can sometimes sabotage our best efforts. Also, we often overestimate our abilities. The flip side is being highly selective about whom you tell and ask for help. It’s akin to the builder’s rule to always get “the right tool for the right job.”

6. Pre-determine how you will deal with flagging motivation. This is not defeatist thinking. On the contrary! It’s (almost) inevitable that at some point along the way, whether because of temporary setbacks or sheer exhaustion, you will need a little boost. When that happens, I think of what others have endured to reach their targets and to quash even the beginning of a pity party, I invoke the most hard-core endurance models I can think of: friends fighting serious diseases and Holocaust survivors.
Winston Churchill is particularly inspirational on this front. After London endured 57 consecutive bombings by the Germans during World War II (the Blitzkrieg), he was invited to address a group of students. In that speech, he uttered his immortal line “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up.

7. Continually check in with your reasons for carrying on. Despite his all-too-human flaws, Steve Jobs embodied this brilliantly. He once told an interviewer: “I think most people that are able to make a sustained contribution over time — rather than just a peak — are very internally driven. You have to be. Because, in the ebb and tide of people’s opinions and of fads, there are going to be times when you are criticized, and criticism’s very difficult. And so when you’re criticized, you learn to pull back a little and listen to your own drummer. And to some extent, that isolates you from the praise, if you eventually get it, too. The praise becomes a little less important to you and the criticism becomes a little less important to you, in the same measure. And you become more internally driven.”

See the Big Picture
There’s also a more meta, “Why are we here?” way to think about motivation. The great Jewish Rabbi Hillel (alive around the time of Jesus), famously said, “If not you, then who? If not now, when?” If you truly let those words sink in, it’s hard to be slacker.

From Forbes
* * *

** Don't let your goals run wild... When your sights are too ambitious, they can backfire, burn you out, and actually become demotivating, says Lisa Ordóñez, a professor of management and organizations at the Eller College of Management, at the University of Arizona, in Tucson. Instead of aiming unrealistically high (such as trying to save enough money for a down payment on a home in six months), set goals that are a stretch but not an overreach (come up with a doable savings plan for your budget).

...But work on them everyday. According to Daniel Pink, author of Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us ($27, amazon.com), taking small steps every day will not only help hold your interest in what you’re trying to achieve but will also ensure that you move slowly, but surely, toward your goal. So, for example, set up a down-payment-fund jar and dump your change into it every night. You’ll get a sense of accomplishment each day, to boot.

** Go public with it. Instead of keeping your intentions to yourself, make them known to many. “Other people can help reinforce your behavior,” says James Fowler, a political scientist who studies social networks at the University of California, San Diego. After all, it’s harder to abandon a dream when you know that people are tracking your progress. Take Stefanie Samarripa of Dallas, 25, who wanted to lose 20 pounds. She created a blog and told all her friends to read it. “I wanted something to hold me accountable,” she says. Samarripa weighs herself weekly and announces the result on Desperately Seeking Skinny (skinnystefsam.blogspot.com). During her first three weeks, she lost six pounds. “People read my updates and make comments, which helps me keep going,” she says.

** Make yourself a priority. Put your needs first, even when it feels utterly selfish. You will derail your progress if you sacrifice yourself for others in order to please them (such as eating a cupcake that a coworker baked even though you’re on a diet).

From Real Simple online article
* * *

Here are 5 steps to gain more clarity about why you want to change, and what you want in life:
 

Step 1:
Pull out a piece of paper and a pen.

 

Step 2:
Ask yourself the question, “What’s one area of my life that I’d like to change?” Write this answer on the top of the page.

 

Step 3:
Look at your answer. Now ask yourself, “But why is this important?” Write this new answer below your previous answer.

 

Step 4:
Repeat step 3 until you uncover the real reasons motivating you to change. Keep going deeper. You’ll know when you’ve gotten to the root cause of your pain.

 

Step 5:
Based on what you uncover, develop a clear vision of what you want in your life. Use this new awareness and motivation to help you remain committed to this new path.

 

Remember: Saying “I’m unhappy at work” or “I feel unfulfilled in my relationship” isn’t deep enough. Keep going!

We all face obstacles in our lives, but if we’re willing to do the tough work of asking ourselves “why?” these obstacles can truly become the gateways that lead to greater clarity and new beginnings. We can use this clarity to gain a deeper understanding of what we really want in life, and to motivate us to make lasting changes.

From Tiny Buddha

"Our character is basically a composite of habits. Because they are consistent, often unconcious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character." ~ Steven R. Covey

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99"

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

Knowing what you don't want...

... is just as important as knowing what you want, if not one of the best ways to figure out what you want... if you're like me... and want it all.

"I want it all
There’s a rise up to the heights
And then a ball
I want it all
Don’t try to tell me that I can’t have my drama
And be a mother who is also a motha’
I wanna know that I can find inside me anyone I need
I wanna be Donna Mckechnie, Donna Summer, Donna Reed
I wanna be Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead
I want it all
I want it all
I want to find a way to break through every wall
I want it all"

[excerpt of lyrics from "I Want It All" from the musical, "Baby"]

The challenge - get rid of enough clutter and "other" so I can focus on what is really important.

There are some blogs, which, after reading, I feel incredibly guilty, depressed and 'not good enough' or 'I'll never attain that' - some of them I have listed on my blog, because I truly need to minimize, simplify and declutter, and they have insight and valuable things to say.

There are other simplification blogs that I follow and adore, which, after reading, I feel inspired and motivated and cheerful and have an "I can do this" feeling.

I want to be the latter kind of blogger.

This blog has been pretty unfocused - unpredictable - and super unorganized. I had hoped that 2013 would be the year that I would be able to reduce... both my size and my stuff. Instead, I traveled to a chorus 2-1/2 hours one-way up the road for 18 months in order to attain a goal I'd set for myself a long time ago. I achieved half of that goal. And have an International Silver Chorus Medal in Sweet Adelines. More and more I realize I can't do it all (anymore), and that 'something's gotta give.'

Scottsdale Chorus ~ Finals Package, Sweet Adelines International Contest & Convention, Honolulu 2013

How is this photo for some serious joy?

That is what the minimizing and decluttering will be about. What has to give. Clearing the spaces so I can think. Decide to do less.  Keep the Joy. Making difficult choices as I "hack away at the unessential." Remembering that this is a journey, and a transition, and it won't happen overnight, and a little bit each day is still a step forward in the right direction. Being kind to myself in the process.

Like Tammy Strobel at rowdykittens, I hope that regular blogging will improve my writing. I also really want to do the "photo a day" because I think that is just cool. And, maybe in the process, I can learn more about what my camera can do and what I can do with a camera. And in taking a photograph of a thing, I can be grateful for the time it was mine to possess, and with love, let it go.

“If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Back from Hawaii...

My brain's kinda scrambled with so many thoughts -- (laugh) -- this isn't different than any other day, I guess.

We won the Silver Medal in Honolulu ~ Scottsdale Chorus earned the red ribbon in Sweet Adelines International contest. Ronninge Show Chorus, from Stockholm, Sweden became the very first International Chorus to win the Gold and they were incredible. Really really fabulous, I'm honored to have shared the stage with them. All the competitors, really... they were all there to do their best, and share the love and joy of singing and harmony.  It was incredible.

The second week in Maui was awesome. We rented a fabulous condo right on the water at Ma'alaea Bay (pictures still being sorted through and downloaded), and had a lovely time just hangin'.

I have a new position within my company, and am happy happy about that. I have some decisions to make about my chorus future ~ and have been praying and talking and thinking and trying to be a grown up and it is difficult. Tucson Desert Harmony chorus will be competing at International in Baltimore next year in the Harmony Classic, and I've paid for my All Events Ticket already. Not sure what next year will look like with my new hours and days off... so *Watch This Space* as they say.

Besides Singing...

Running.

I want to start walking/jogging a la Jeff Galloway. "Run injury free with Jeff Galloway" is his focus, and that is where I want to start. Have to get back to walking again first.

Eating Healthy/ Juicing / Plant-based (Nutritarian a la Dr. Joel Furhman)

Sort of have been not following closely the juicing/veggie focused way of eating, and gained back the 10 pounds I lost.  Hard to lose over the holidays, but I'm committed.

Simplifying.

This is the year. That is all.

Maui Sunset. Last Week. Already planning our second trip back...

A Month of Sundays

Starting today, and for the next 4 Sundays in August, I don't have to go in to work.  In essence, I have a "Month of Sundays" - literally, as opposed to every day of the month being a Sunday, which would be more mathematical than I care about right now.

I'm just focusing on the extra time this month. 

One of the weekends I'll be out of town ~ so I'm including today in the "4 Work-Free" Sundays idea.

Time. Having some time to myself this weekend has been amazing. I took Friday off because I believe I've had too much interaction with others, for others and (by my own choice), fulfilling obligations to others.  I still have some of that today to do, but there is time for some contemplation, and I am taking full advantage of it.

Himself and I watched "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" last night, then we watched "Forks Over Knives" and I cried when he declared, "I'm on board," after 'Forks Over Knives' credits rolled. I've been wanting him on board for so long, and while I am the who who never broached the subject, the testimony of a mutual friend who has been juicing for awhile gave me the crack in the door that I felt I needed to start the conversation.

I don't believe we'll be full-fledged vegans, but I think (am hoping) 85% plant-based/15% animal... a lifestyle with "Animal Products on the Side" kind of mentality is where we are headed.  Cut out the processed food. Spend more time preparing our own food (this is where I get stuck... not just that I can't be bothered, but there are so many other things I want to get done in a day... which needs to change) and not opening a box or a can or even defrosting. Spending more money on quality (organic, local) produce and meats.

One thing I have to say... (after watching a video where someone says... "and easy!" ~ With all the changes that will be coming... it might be simple, but it isn't easy. That, I believe, is a lie. Juicing for 15 days... won't be easy. But (and this is huge for my lazy butt) it is simple, and doesn't take a lot of time and or planning... which I look forward to.

The Engine 2 Diet - Rip Esselstyn's branch off from his dad's research and way of living that was documented in Forks Over Knives looks like a good way to start. They've partnered with Whole Foods... now to go find a reasonable juicer!

* * *
And I'm working toward going back to school for Music Therapy. Lots to do... very excited about parts of it. But the nutrition/holistic health thing really appeals to me too.

Action vs Distraction

I put in my Gratitude Jar today ... "I am thankful for the internet (and all that it has exposed me to)."

I met my husband online, of course... he's one major thing I'm thankful for. But besides himself, I was thinking about all the sub-cultures that now have a voice and an audience because of the internet.  And that some people are incredible visionaries... and that they take action on their vision.

* * *

This year I will take action on a vision. As of yet this vision is blurry. It is brightly-colored, and full of glitter and glistening dew in the morning... it is being looked at through a filter, which makes it very soft-focused.  I spent some time really thinking about what course of action I want to take this year - and while the road is extremely wide, and meandering still a bit, it is going in a single (if albeit a scenic) direction.

I wasn't feeling very good today, and I left work early and came home to sit in my recliner with a heating pad and the Netbook, with HGTV on the telly, and snooze if I needed to. I re-discovered a fascination I've had for a few years: the Tiny House Movement.

In my internet travels this afternoon ~ in and amongst the tiny house websites and blogs, I came across this quote,

"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."

wow, huh?

Follow up questions:

1. What is valuable enough in my life that I would exchange a part of my life for it?
2. Who are the people that are valuable enough in my life to spend it with?
3. If something isn't worth this gift of a day, then what, instead, should it be replaced with?

My frustration with me is that my answers change. Daily. My feelings drag me around by the nose, and *look! Shiny!!* is a huge distraction and pulls me off in another direction altogether. (My love/hate with the internet and all the distractions links is a topic for another post!)

BUT -- I found a great question to ask myself as I go through and try to simplify my collection(s) of stuff... "If I were going to live in a tiny house... would this item stay or go?"  It isn't asking me if I love it, or if it is useful, or some of the other emotional questions that cause me distraction instead of action. It is straightforward, it has 'hacked away the unessential.'

* * *

Photo Day 3 (hearts) and Photo Day 4 (The View From Here)

Looking at my collection of Heart Stamps helped
me downsize my stamps! 3 sets and a couple of loose
ones... Very Proud!

This is a Gratitude Jar with one slip of 'Gratitude-ness' already in it...
In this Jar I will also put notes about great
things that happened (since I will, of course, be grateful for great things that
happen... ;-) ). My view today needed vision, and I'm visioning 2013 as a year of
things that I know I will be thankful for. And a Full Jar by the end
of the year to look back on.

 * * *

Decreasing
I have a bag of tops and some jewelry and a pair of shoes (never, ever worn) in a bag to give away. I'm struggling with keeping it until the Chorus Rummage Sale (March, I think), or just taking it to Goodwill Now!

* * *

One more thought for the day... What makes you happy? Not what you think makes you happy... what actually brings happiness to you?

My answers surprised me.

Always Having Something To Say

I've committed myself to an adventure this year.

Not ready to reveal it *just yet* - but one of the actions I need to take is to get back to blogging regularly. For now, I'll just call it >Watch This Space<

Sometimes I don't feel inspired... or that I have anything to write or say worth reading... but if I commit to Being Thankful for something in each and every post, what a fabulous jumping-off point that is!

* * *

January 1, 2013 ~ Thankful For:
The World Not Ending.
On the lighter side, I'm really glad the Mayan Calendar's last date of December 21, 2012 didn't signify the end of the world. Just really thrilled that we're still here.

Losing 100 Pounds, Gaining 30 Pounds Back
Seriously... I'm still incredibly thankful for MediFast and the fast weight loss I experienced in 2011. 2012 saw lack of focus, boredom, quitting of the walking two 5Ks a week, and regular ups and downs of life stuff; but I'm thankful for all of it... because gaining 30 pounds back fuels my desire to experiment with wheat-free cooking/baking/eating and whole foods, and the Slow-Carb Diet (which I'm going to try for 29 days, like the Becoming Minimalist blog post and the Live Your Legend founder Scott Dinsmore are doing). My 29 days starts on Monday, however. (January 7)

I just found the Slow-Carb Diet (SCD) post with real-life stories of people who have lost over 100 pounds.  Wow. This is the link.

* * *

>Watch This Space< 
Accountability & Action (in other words, things I'm doing to move forward in my adventure)

[1] Writing This Post.
[2] Signing Up for Fat Mum Slim's Photo A Day (Just this month... 29+2 days only) to help me keep focused on the adventure I'm not revealing quite yet.

* * *

My Photo for Today:

Since I took this photo of this page (from Susannah Conway's blog, btw), I've written on it the Bruce Lee Quote that has become my 2013 Mantra...

"It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential."

DECREASE is the word for the year... decrease my weight. decrease my stuff. decrease my discontentment. decrease the complexity.

* * *

DECREASE ACTION:
My Plan is to use 15 minutes (or more, if that is the course it takes), 5 or 6 days a week to reduce, de-clutter, simplify and decrease my belongings
.
I threw away a lot of recyclable paper (junk mail), clearing the corner of a table in my studio. (I'll only say this once, here... My craft room is no more... I may use the space to create, but it is my studio... and the decreasing action(s) are to help me realize that expectation.  What we name things is important.)

Happy Easter 2012

I came on to write a blog post about an hour and a half ago... between writing down visualizations, checking out Pinterest, a few things on the yahoo site, buying a scarf and glowing solar flower garden stake -- I finally made it to write the blog -- now if only to remember what I was going to write about (!)

Now I have a headache from surfing the net, and...

wow. focus is tough.

What a week last week was -- so glad this is the start of a new week.

It started Sunday when I spent about 3 hours pulling weeds and picking up the dog poop -- and trimming branches from the tree... I knew I'd be hurting -- but have NEVER hurt as much as I have this past week. I'm still aching when I put my socks and shoes on... owwww! All week long I was moaning and groaning when I had to get up and walk anywhere. Funny had I not been in so much pain. But its funny now :-)

Found out Tuesday that someone fraudulently filed a tax return in my name - in New Hampshire - in February. And they got back a little over $5,000 (!). Nothing else, thankfully, is going on with the ID Theft -- no credit cards issued, or unusual activity on our credit cards... but I was a bit shaken up. What a headache. And filing next year will be even more of a headache. Not ever funny.

Wednesday I was locked out of my house for a while - not a big big deal, but I realized I shouldn't leave my purse and keys and, well, EVERYTHING in the other room that can be locked with no way to get to if I don't know where the spare keys are. This is funny now - not at 5:45 am when I realized I was locked out.  But it did give me a morning to get stuff done, which was nice.

Thursday I lost my gas cap - and well, I don't want to be negative, but the idiot girl who worked at the QT wouldn't give it back to me when I went by at 11pm at night asking if perhaps someone had turned it in around 4pm that afternoon, as that was the last place I'd seen it. 

Really...? Is there a rash of thieves going around taking random gas caps that they don't even know might be there in the back office of convenience stores?

But I got it back. This is funny.

I was up 2 lbs at Medifast on Thursday night. So not funny.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'd had over 20 pieces of chocolate (Easter) candy.
And I did the same thing yesterday at work.
But it is all gone now, so just don't buy any more. Much easier to resist it in the store than in the work drawer.
* * *

Watched Forks Over Knives last night.

I've thought for over 20 years that being a vegetarian is right for me... don't get me wrong, I love meat (and the smell of bacon being cooked right now is wonderful!) -- and eggs, and cheese, and all the things associated with animal foods. But on some level I've always thought a plant-food diet should be the way *I* eat.

Maybe I haven't been strong enough to stand up to nay-sayers... or maybe I didn't want to have to really work hard at making difficult choices... or making decisions about going out with friends and social occasions in general more difficult (choosing a restaurant becomes much more difficult, let alone going to a church potluck).

This year on Medifast, however, I've been pretty much taking my own food with me most places, and it goes well. I bought "The China Study" book about 5 or 6 years ago, and while it has a lot of boring 'results of the study' graphs and charts - the bottom line is that eating plants is healthier. I then did some more online reading and read a lot of 'other side' arguments, and put the book away. And went back to "balance in all things" kind of thinking, and put it out of my mind. T Collin Campbell is co-author of the The China Study, and is one of the two main Doctors who are featured in the Forks Over Knives documentary.

Seeing the people in the video physically change and proclaim the health benefits... well, it just put the last weight on the balance scale in favor of going to a plant-way of eating. Which means no animal by-products (i.e., dairy). The cholesterol numbers were compelling -- not to mention the woman who doesn't have to take medication for diabetes anymore... and she works at a diabetic center, where no methods of medication had changed her health.... (!?!?!?!?!) But I think it was 6 weeks on the plant-based diet that had her off her diabetes medication(s).

Of course, last night himself went out and bought milk, and for me and my coffee some cream... and there is butter in the house... and I had some cottage cheese for dinner... so this will be huge change that will happen gradually. I plan/hope that it will get me back interested in cooking real food for my Lean & Green... and I'm looking on the non-meat protein sources on the MF charts, which means "Tofu - here I come!"

It comes down to where I want to spend my time and effort(s).
Choice.

Day 1 of Restart -- Sept 1 is goal date for Goal Weight

I'm just sayin'.

Time to stop dilly dallying around.

MF Scale = 240.8 today.  Makes my loss 97 lbs.  Phlsdplthmpthss! (that's a strawberry, in case you needed a translation).

I bought more shakes - and I plan to have 3 shakes a day, plus a soup and a bar -- my extra's will be cream in my coffee, and a measured amount of almond butter and celery.  I may even go back to pickles!

And a plan to work out my arms.  They're ick.

Freedom in Obedience... when I know the rules, I don't have to worry about choices. 

Heading to bed now. REALLY need to make getting up EVERY DAY at 5am a priority.

every. day.

Mid-February Re-Start

I was up 3 lbs at Medifast yesterday. Knew it would be bad.

No surprise... though this past Monday I saw a new (low) number on my home scale... I then went out and bought "treats" for my team at work = Butterfinger hearts and Dark Chocolate Dove hearts... and well, they got a few of the Butterfinger hearts.

I also inhaled a tin of semi-deluxe nuts (less than 50% peanut mix) in a couple of days... and combine high salt with not enough water... having a sugar binge - all that equaled the 3 lb gain. Well, I have to say it stops today.

Yesterday, driving home -- I bought roasted almonds and bag of Lindt's Chocolate truffles - which are my favorite.  3 truffles = 15 carbs... but of course I didn't limit myself to only 3.  I just called the day a loss and rather than go have a couple of slices of pizza... or some salsa & chips... I enjoyed the sugar; then crashed.
* * *

Last night I once again was thinking about what kind of life is what I want to live
[my mind is racing right now and it is a bit difficult to be coherent when so many thoughts are competing to be first... just a warning that the following may or may not make sense.]
and I had the thought that I need to be a grown up.

(I think) a lot of what I'm struggling with is my inner child not wanting to give up anything. (scrapbooking, memorabilia, stamping, crafting, projects, sewing, Martha Stewart-esque plans for my home and life)

I don't want to have to make a choice. I want it all.

And it isn't the first time I've had the thought, but it is the first time I've had it so incredibly internal -- not just like I was looking at the thought and understanding the concept intellectually and saying, "I see... interesting and quite true..." as if from afar... like an objective counselor talking with a counselee... but rather -- having it come from a bubbling place inside of me. Without Resentment. It was with Acceptance.

HUGE!

Can we hear a big WOOT!!!???!!!

* * *

What I want is changing... and the letting go of past dreams in order to create and make real the new ones I think puts me in a place of mourning.  Mourning the death of past dreams, which I'm still (very much so) attached to, and love dearly; and if there was enough time in the day I still totally want to do (!) But the reality of needing to make some difficult choices creeps in more and more each day, and I'm still in the process of trying to get clear on what it is I want my (our) life to look like.

1. Health & Fitness -- (still looking to add another 30 minutes of walking a week, and two or three days of resistance fitness activity)
2. Home & Husband -- Simplifying. Clearing the stuff. Cooking healthier. Planning time together. Growing a Kitchen Garden. Having a herb garden.
3. Job/Career -- still working on how to want this as a higher priority in reality
4. Family & Relationships (has moved up the priority list) -- taking a balance of time off between family and chorus/quartet events. Keeping a few meaningful card-making supplies for creating a few meaningful projects.
5. Quartet -- Be a member of Club 21 (means winning a regional contest and a shot at competing at International)
6. Chorus -- Be a member of a Top 10 Chorus.

To accomplish even a simplified list of things: my main goal is to go to bed earlier (by 10:30 at the latest) and getting up at a regular time (5:30 at the latest). Watching less mindless television.

So I've been trying to think of things that will actually get me excited to get up in the morning put together a list of things to think about before I fall asleep that I will remember in the morning so I'll actually get up... and be productive... some reasons to get up consistently at 5am.

I struggle with being specific in this area.  Having a list of housework that I need to accomplish isn't doing the trick. Surprise. Not.

Doing music is one of them... but in order for me to get up, start the kettle for coffee/tea and actually come in and be productive - I need the space to work (which is definitely NOT something I have around me at the moment) and some outlined goals on which to focus.
* * *


And I have to express my extreme sadness and grief of the too early death of one of Pop Music's greatest voices. Whitney Houston died yesterday at age 48 -- details about it I haven't seen yet, but I would guess that her later drug use and addiction came from a place of trying to escape the pressure and expectation that a needy (greedy) business demanded.  And from what sounds like a tormenting love relationship.

What a gift she was blessed with, such a tragic, tragic end to her life. My prayers are with her family :(
* * *

I'm so blessed... and incredibly thankful. Thank You.
* * *
eta:
PS -- is is 02-12-2012.  Cool. Thanks Ben

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Happy Faces Pretending... All the While Attacking Ourselves with Words We'd Never Dream of Saying to Anyone Else...

Love this from Ellen over at "Fat Girl Wearing Thing" about 'Ditch the Weight; Lose the Hate' challenge 2012.

She says this...

Have you ever noticed that the tools needed to repair ourselves on the outside are plentiful and readily available?  They come in the form of diets, exercise equipment, menu plans, gyms, diet aids, gadgets, specialized shoes and clothing – you name it.  We can’t hide our weight from others and that too becomes a motivator.  But feelings of regret, hopelessness, fear, humiliation, anger, self ridicule and belittlement are so much easier to hide; to pretend they don’t exist.  The tools we need to fix those areas of our lives aren’t so readily available.  So, we put on happy faces and pretend that we don’t mentally and emotionally attack ourselves with words we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. 

I put in red the part that really really called me out. So many things going through my mind right now about the close of another year... another great post from Ellen is about Reflecting on the past year and seeing what we have achieved.  Yes, I've lost 100 lbs. I am not done, but right now am acting as if I were... what the hell? And when I look at these reflection questions and answers, I just feel like I'm not enough... there's so much more to do and to improve upon. And the overwhelm begins. And the 'why bother?' creeps in, and I've not even noticed it until there's a big, cold draft in my supposedly safe and warm and loving spirit.

We all have to find our own way... we ask others, we consult, we research.  We ponder, we discuss, we have coffee and perhaps even some chocolate. We feel guilty, we feel success... often I feel those in the same instant. We vent. We Try... we might fail - sometimes we prosper. We grow... or at least we think we are growing. We hope perhaps *this* will help... or maybe *that* -- a new calendar, a new motivational statement... a new mantra... a new friend...but it is only when I realize that I. am. enough. that the spiralling self-destructive thought pattern is disrupted.

I believe in God. A Creator - who created me exactly as I am meant to be. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to improve on - that is part of the challenge (and what I believe to be part of the meaning) of life. I have so much trouble remembering on a daily, constant basis that part of the journey is making mistakes, and accepting yourself anyway; falling down, and getting up again; learning the hard way, and yet still forgiving yourself.

All so much easier said (and written) than done (and lived). I have to keep reminding myself that I Am Enough.
I am good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Friendly enough. Loving enough. Thoughtful enough. Detached enough. Emotional enough. Disciplined enough. Tough enough. Soft enough. Opinionated enough. Self-reliant enough. Savvy enough. Humble enough. Intelligent enough. Reading enough. Watching enough. Thankful enough. Inspired enough. Planning enough. Sleeping enough (ha ha!). Aware enough. Eating enough. Exercising enough. Thinking enough. Writing enough. Daydreaming enough. Walking enough. Cooking enough. Cleaning enough. Singing enough. Praying enough (never enough of this, I'm afraid). Grateful enough.

Enough starts to look misspelled after awhile.

Enough.

Enough is enough.

Lyn at Escape from Obesity on her post today said:

"Goal" is what I am doing right now: learning, experiencing, taking the time I need to become healthier in the long haul. "Goal" is a rich life and self awareness.

 Yes. Amen Sista!!

I'm learning that I may not want everything I thought I wanted. I'm asking myself a lot lately ~ "what do you truly truly want?" and then trying to make decisions accordingly. I've posted my Priority Hierarchy on the bathroom wall... and tonight I'm putting Work/Career ahead of chorus... Big Step.

Be Honest.

Whoa.

But what if what I really want doesn't match up with what other people think is the right thing to want? 

I have to believe that other people have this thought... maybe in different words, though.

What if... what I want makes me appear arrogant, and unapproachable... or snotty? Or worse, un-lovable? What if what I want isn't right? And I pray about not my will but His -- and ask constantly about what direction I should be facing.


And the journey continues.

Day 236 ~ Scattered

Not 6 lbs away from 100 (math... grrr....) 12 lbs away.

And this morning I'm up on the scale, so who knows how far away I am from losing 100 lbs at this moment. I actually measured my lean and green last night - which I've not done in awhile... I did have an extra MF bar, however.

My walking buddy called this morning and she hadn't slept well, so wasn't going to make it.  So I'm finishing laundry, I went to the grocery store to get celery, cream for my coffee, eyeliner, and more La Croix water (this blogger writes with passion about how awesome this product is!!) - which I found in Cran-raspberry flavor... can't wait to try it!

I've taken out the garbage, taken the recycling to the curb, and made morning coffee for himself and me.  I'm planning on getting in the shower around 7:30 am, and was going to mindlessly surf on facebook, but decided I had time for a blog post.

I'm feeling stretched thin, and losing focus on making what I'm doing on Medifast fun.  I've stopped trying new recipes, I'm not reading the blogs as much, or checking in at the forums.  I'm trying to add another day of exercise in my week - which I did last week, and this week I'll now have to do tomorrow and Saturday.

I'm sporadic with my habits, and I know better! Which makes it so much worse. I think "just this morning" I'll skip my two glasses of water and vitamins... or my 15 minutes of dishes... or swishing and wiping the bathroom ~ and it leads to chaos (can't have anyone over syndrome) as well as boredom and complacency with my eating.  I don't want to be complacent... or bored. I'm kind of in an emotional slump, and lacking motivation and inspiration.

The definition of being a grown up is what we do every day. Every. Day. routines (a la Flylady). 

Priorities In Order: 

• health & fitness;  
• home & husband;  
• work/career;  
• quartet; 
• family/relationships;  
• chorus 

- with God over all as the guiding truth behind decisions... but I allow my mood to dictate my actions.  How true I have found the following quote ~

“Discipline is obeying the rule you set when you were in a different mood than you are now.” - Seth Godin

Answer? Just keep going... don't give up... every day is a new day... be grateful for where I am, and trust that where I am right now is where I need to be. Start using my 15 minute timer... and STOP when it goes off, and move on to the next task!

Day 225

At Medifast yesterday I was down 2.5 lbs for a total of 88 lbs down.  While I was only down 2 lbs over two weeks, my body scan showed that I have lost 7 lbs of body fat.  The walking 6 miles a week is helping!!

This morning on MY scale I saw a new number ~ 244.8.  Discussion with my MF counselor yesterday was focused on ... staying focused. Journalling. Making a plan of eating for the week... and I promised to get back to blogging every day -- putting this BACK on top of the priority plan.

Yes, life has things coming at us all the time, things which want to move us [DISTRACT!] from one direction to another... things that look more fun, or look like a better idea "in the long run," or... in my case... "Look! Shiny!" And before we know it, we've stopped the good habits we're trying to build.

And while I'm giving myself grace and forgiveness when I stumble for a time... that doesn't mean that my Health/Fitness actions move from the number #1 spot in my priority plan/schedule for the day, week, month, year, decade... LIFE!!

And God needs to be overall, in all goals, in all actions, in all plans... and I've lost sight of how helpful it is to take time every day to just "Be Still and know that He Is God" -- to release my worries, my stresses, my anxiousness to Him. 

As the Fabulous Renee Porzel said last weekend about chorus members on the risers... "[the director/choreographer's directions] release us from having an opinion."  ~ I think this relates fabulously to God and what He wants for us... His desire for us to follow Christ... (and the "Plan for Life" that is called the Bible) releases us from having to think about it.  Being obedient actually does give us a bit of freedom.

And this works for food, for exercise, for studying... just being obedient to the plan you're following, without argument, without cajoling, without bargaining... simplicity at its finest, really.

Ah... easier said than done, but what a good reminder for me today.

A number of years ago I lost 25 lbs doing the Weigh Down Workshop (Gwen Shamblin).  I think the foundation of the program (eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied... and when you want to eat from any other reason other than fuel and energy for the body, then turn to God and His Word to fill that emotional hole.) is sound, though I think there was too much guilt, and then the program lost its way when her church started up (!)... ANYWAY... my point was -- Finding Freedom in Obedience was a mainstay of the philosophy, and 'being released' from having to argue or have an opinion is extremely freeing.
* * *

Yesterday was very busy... 4 hours on the road to Chandler... met my mom & step-dad for a brief visit and coffee after the MF appointment... then Craft Class (Fragrance Diffusers)... then picked up the soap we made in July... then dinner with a good friend... then home to my cute hubby and catching up on Project Runway.
* * *

My friend's been a widow 3 years today... I can't believe it has been 3 years since that tragic bicycle accident that took away the life of a vibrant, energetic, God-loving, enthusiastic, intelligent, oreo-cookie-loving husband, father & grandfather.

We never know what the day will bring.  It just reminds me again of what is important -- people and relationships -- not objects and possessions.