Fear & Less

Fear of Loss.

Loss of Health. Loss of Family. Loss of Friends. Loss of Love. Loss of Time. Loss of Freedom. Loss of Integrity. Loss of Truth.

Fear of Inadequacy. Fear of the Truth. Fear of the Lies. Fear of Physical Pain. Fear of my government. Fear of my neighbor. Fear of the Global World we live in. Fear of Opinions. Fear of Routine. Fear of Discipline. Fear of Success. Fear of Failure. Fear of Not Doing Enough. Fear of Not Being Enough. Fear of Doing Too Much. Fear of Action. Fear of Staying the Same. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of THE METEOR de-magnetizing this amazing time we live in. Fear of Drought. Fear of Fire. Fear of GMOs. Fear of Big Business. Fear of the Ignorant (read the Haters). Fear of Disapproval.

The Joy of less | Kim Coupounas | TEDxBoulder

"What is that abundance, that joy, that your heart aches for? And what can you have less of to make room for it?" ~ Kim Coupounas

18 months almost to the day when I wrote my last post.

It still comes down to Focus. "Hacking away at the unessential" (thank you Bruce Lee).

I've met some new people, been able to get rid of a lot more craft items, but am not close to living simply. I have slowly come to realize over the last few months that I have an extremely deep Fear.

I Fear I Am Not Enough. My head knows this is garbage. And yet it is the driving force behind the majority of my daily decisions.

Perhaps I equate Less with Loss. Fear of needing the information in the book on Herbal Remedies that I just donated to the Salvation Army. Some of the fear is real, some of it is imagined, some of it comes from the Preppers (TSHTF group -  when 'the shit hits the fan' group), most of it comes through the media, and Social Media.

So what prompted me to write today, this minute, on this subject? A 25 minute conversation with my cousin - who had worked for a company himself has applied to. I had emailed my cousin to ask about his time with that company, company culture etc... and in response to my email to him, he said "I'm free now if you'd like to call me" - with his phone number.

Some background: This cousin and I love our shared family - his grandfather (Earl) loved me as a little girl because I reminded his grandfather of his daughter, Betty Kay, who is this cousin's mother, and who died much too young. His grandmother (Tess), was my paternal grandmother, Ethel's sister (my great-aunt), and they are siblings in "This Family" and this Family is special. I last saw my cousin at the funeral of great-aunt CJ, and because the cousins are spread out, we are not connected.

So I called him. And we talked longer than I thought we would - and after we talked about the company he used to work for, we agreed we miss the Lindsey Family gatherings. And we talked about how much we both love my dad. And how it blows our minds that my younger brother is 40. And we talked about his recent move, and what he does now. And I caught up on what his sisters are doing - not a lot of detail, but I know where they're living at least. And we talked about camping - and how I asked himself for a pop-up trailer and I came home to a tent in the back yard (Sooooo not a pop-up trailer - lol!). And we connected. I want more of that in my life.

Connection. I still want to have a business I can run from the internet, and travel around in a trailer and stay connected to my family and my friends. I want to be able to sing and perform with my guitar and ukulele (which I played with on the day I got it, but I think about playing it every single day, along with getting back to the guitar) and meet new people all across the country. This thrills my wandering soul. I don't know why exactly I'm not afraid of that.

But -
But - ~
But - ~ ...

What stops me? Why am I unable to stay Focused on What I Want (what I really really want ♪)?

Go back to the quote - what can I have less of to make room for it?

I feel like I'm closer to action. Today, at least.

Recently I had a conversation and I shared that I am just so tired. Tired of being anxious, tired of feeling hopeless in trying to change some of my behaviors. Tired of not accepting myself for being enough. Tired of saying at the beginning of each day, "I will not have the donuts or the bagels or the brownies or the cookies or the pita bread or the flour tortilla" and by 10am I've had the boston cream donut, and the banana cream pie, and the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites from Trader Joe's. I know my tiredness in part is because I haven't budged on the weight loss. I'm 3 lbs away from when I started Medi-Fast. That's another whole post.

We had some new friends over for Scotch Eggs and Haggis last night - and I cleaned the house. It looks so nice and smells so good. The living room is mostly clear of the random stuff that collects, that goes unnoticed because there is So. Much. Stuff. to keep track of and it has no permanent home. I love this clean feeling. And when I think about what I 'should' do to keep it up, then I'm instantly tired and hopeless. The Overwhelm of Life. Managing the Details. Negotiating throughout the day - because really, Life is All Negotiation.

No wonder the ideas of "Be More With Less" and "Tiny Houses" and "Becoming Minimalist" are so attractive and gaining momentum.

I live in my head. I collect information. I  know things, but I don't necessarily understand. And while I've been known to make fast decisions (hello, marry himself and then move out of the country in a span of less than 6 months...), this idea of living with so much less is huge change. Acting on this "Less is More" thing is scary. I have all that Fear.

A Slow Start

Penelope Trunk
I like her blog. A lot.

Amazing 2015
Great, as usual, post from Zen Habits.

It has been a slow start to 2015.

I'm finding a new passion in Vintage Trailers - obtaining one, re-doing it myself, then traveling around in it and making money teaching craft classes to senior citizens in the variety of residences they live in (mobile home retirement communities to assisted living care facilities); singing and performing at the same locations, and having some kind of online business that pays me.

Intentional is my word for 2015.

Not exactly sure what this means for me, intentional... but it has something to do with creating an intentional life without extra 'stuff' - sort of like minimalism, but not really. "Will it fit in my tiny house?" is still a strong motivator for me to get rid of excess stuff, however.

Currently I'm a Realtor - started the process in June last year, and well... the jury is still out. I'm certainly not passionate about it, and yet there are aspects of it I enjoy.  I've learned a lot - and will be taking a Negotiation course, which I believe will be helpful regardless of what I end up doing.

Bible Thought for the day:
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~ Proverbs 19:21

It reminds me that taking it all to God - praying, meditating, sending it out to the universe - whichever phrase resonates with you - that is what I think I mean by intentional. Giving more thought and energy behind positive outcomes, and always being thankful for the situation I am in.

Attachment

Father's Day, 2014
We just got back from a road trip to Oklahoma to see family there ~ and look at "The Farm" - which I'd been calling "The Property" and was corrected.  Technically, it is property (mostly pastureland) that my sister, brother and I will inherit, and at which current time there is no farming happening... so despite being told to call it 'The Farm' ~ I will continue to call it 'The Property.'

We had a great trip - road tested the new Town & Country Van (2013 Touring Edition), and took along Rascal... overnighted in Albuquerque, and spent 5 nights in Oklahoma City with my dad and step-mom, caught up with my sister and her kids, and generally had a real vacation... doing something totally different than our life here.

* * *

May was busy... new Van, quit American Red Cross, paid for Real Estate School (which begins tomorrow), emptied out the storage unit, so my room is crowded again...

* * *

I have 6 or 7 plastic bins and boxes full of pictures, negatives, journals, calendars etc... to scrapbook from the time I started collecting things about my life.  I've scrapbooked (in the traditional sense) since I knew what it was. I'm still not sure why, exactly - I would make a guess in the area of self-validation. To remember the life I've lived, and to be proud of what I've done (or not done, ha ha). To keep alive memories that may have been buried or forgotten, which I believe are worth remembering.

But my deal with myself is that if, by the end of 2014, these things are not properly scrapbooked, the bins emptied, and the journals read for the timeline and details to "tell the memory book story," then I will let it all go.

Visiting my dad's - he has bookshelves and his computer filled with pictures. Family. Genealogy-type things. It gives us a sense of where we fit in our family, I suppose...? Pride in the hard-working family stock I come from, that is for sure (and where is that in me?). Dad and I didn't have a chance to talk about his ultimate goal for the pictures... what he sees his finished (but what is really a work-in-progress project) product to look like.

I understand that I come by my love of history, family, pictures... very naturally, I see now.

The other thing I came away with from my trip was understanding something dad said about attachment.  He said something about 'being attached makes everything more difficult.' If we could detach ourselves from things (and people, even), then going through life would be much easier.

And this is all just stuff.  these bins of my life, my memories... And why do I want to spend time (precious time) putting my life into order? Who will I leave it for? I don't see anyone wanting my life's memories after I'm dead. And when I think about that, I become sad that I don't have children. Then I think about raising a child today and the political climate, the moral climate, etc... and I'm so relieved I don't have a child to protect.

And life is about now. Right? Remembering we are all connected, we are all part of the human story - regardless of any kind of religious belief or unbelief - we all share this earth, this space, this time. And I believe that building personal relationships that help each other now is more important than the past.

[Side Note: I tend to remember the negative, guilt-inducing, shameful, painful memories of my life, and the pictures/journals give me balance in restoring what delicate sense of self-esteem I have. This is a constant battle for me... keeping the good memories and the painful memories balanced... helping me stay afloat in the sea of depression that threatens to drown me, dragging me into a swirling whirlpool below the surface, where I lose the sunlight and all the colors that keep me optimistic and joyful.]

This turned out to be more post than I intended.

The bottom line: What do I want most to accomplish in this life?

Living in color * Health! * Garden (healing, eating, peaceful, life-force-giving) * Recognition for sharing the talents I've been given (Performance, Teaching) * Creativity * Relationships (spending time, giving time to people) * Building people up, assisting in bringing about Joy & Peace *

Knowing what you don't want...

... is just as important as knowing what you want, if not one of the best ways to figure out what you want... if you're like me... and want it all.

"I want it all
There’s a rise up to the heights
And then a ball
I want it all
Don’t try to tell me that I can’t have my drama
And be a mother who is also a motha’
I wanna know that I can find inside me anyone I need
I wanna be Donna Mckechnie, Donna Summer, Donna Reed
I wanna be Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead
I want it all
I want it all
I want to find a way to break through every wall
I want it all"

[excerpt of lyrics from "I Want It All" from the musical, "Baby"]

The challenge - get rid of enough clutter and "other" so I can focus on what is really important.

There are some blogs, which, after reading, I feel incredibly guilty, depressed and 'not good enough' or 'I'll never attain that' - some of them I have listed on my blog, because I truly need to minimize, simplify and declutter, and they have insight and valuable things to say.

There are other simplification blogs that I follow and adore, which, after reading, I feel inspired and motivated and cheerful and have an "I can do this" feeling.

I want to be the latter kind of blogger.

This blog has been pretty unfocused - unpredictable - and super unorganized. I had hoped that 2013 would be the year that I would be able to reduce... both my size and my stuff. Instead, I traveled to a chorus 2-1/2 hours one-way up the road for 18 months in order to attain a goal I'd set for myself a long time ago. I achieved half of that goal. And have an International Silver Chorus Medal in Sweet Adelines. More and more I realize I can't do it all (anymore), and that 'something's gotta give.'

Scottsdale Chorus ~ Finals Package, Sweet Adelines International Contest & Convention, Honolulu 2013

How is this photo for some serious joy?

That is what the minimizing and decluttering will be about. What has to give. Clearing the spaces so I can think. Decide to do less.  Keep the Joy. Making difficult choices as I "hack away at the unessential." Remembering that this is a journey, and a transition, and it won't happen overnight, and a little bit each day is still a step forward in the right direction. Being kind to myself in the process.

Like Tammy Strobel at rowdykittens, I hope that regular blogging will improve my writing. I also really want to do the "photo a day" because I think that is just cool. And, maybe in the process, I can learn more about what my camera can do and what I can do with a camera. And in taking a photograph of a thing, I can be grateful for the time it was mine to possess, and with love, let it go.

“If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.” ~ Tao Te Ching

What do people assume about you that would be wrong?

This is a loaded question, isn't it? I was just reading an article and the writer mentions this as the most difficult interview question ever.  The writer's answer was "Just because I'm nice people assume I'm a doormat."

The article had this to say:

What do people assume about me? I don't really know. So how could I say they were wrong? Should I admit I've never thought about that before and see if they would let me off the hook? Should I make something up that people might assume about me, or should I pick a terrible characteristic and deny it? No, that would be wrong because then I would be admitting that there is a reason why people would assume that. Yikes! This was an impossible trick question.

I think my answer would be along the lines of, "Just because I talk to people I don't know, and am a performer, it is assumed that I'm an extrovert."

Recently I took a Personality Assessment (Predictive Index) for work. "The test employs a free-choice (as opposed to forced-choice) response format, in which individuals are presented with two lists of descriptive adjectives, both containing 86 items, and are asked to endorse those which they feel describe them (the “self” domain), and then those which they feel coincide with how they feel others expect them to behave (the “self-concept” domain). Summing across these two domains yields a third implied domain (the “synthesis”), which can be interpreted as reflecting an employee’s observable behavior in the workplace."  [description from "What is Predictive Index (PI)?" article online]

I took it twice, because even the Talent Acquisition person had a hard time believing my first results... here are some of the results:

• Private, serious, introspective, and reserved, it takes her a long time to connect to and trust new people.
• Focused, she can concentrate on the task at hand for long periods. She more quickly notices and understands technical matters than social ones. Consistent and patiently thoughtful.
• Works at a steady, unwavering pace; most comfortable with familiar processes, environments, and co-workers. Doesn't easily change.
• Task-focused; she quickly notices and pushes to fix technical problems, assertively cutting through any personal/emotional issues. Has aptitude to spot trends in data or figure out how complex systems work.
• Independent, analytical, critical, and creative thinking and action; little need for external validation before action. Private.
• Authoritative and direct, she's driven to accomplish her personal goals; she pushes through roadblocks assertively. Communication is direct, to the point, and sometimes brusque.

Because I love to sing and perform, people assume I'm an extrovert.  Because I get people together for reunions or performance opportunities, people assume I am social. But truly, it is only those with whom I have a strong (and loving) connection with are the folks I adore being around and love being the instigator of social situations.

I am actually an introvert. People exhaust me. I love performing, and by nature love the spotlight... but that is about recognition (which the PI stated I needed). I absolutely hate and do my best to avoid being in a room full of people that I don't know and with whom I'm expected to have conversations. Even if we have something in common (like singing, scrapbooking, crafting, etc...). Small Talk. Blech. I prefer to be "task-focused." I wish, however, I could "assertively cut through... personal/emotional problems." At least, be more assertive fixing my own. Always easier to see through someone else's cow turds.

That being said, I'm extremely socially intuitive, and my gut reaction to people and situations is spot on. My Emotional Intelligence is pretty high (though it hasn't been officially/sociologically tested). My feelings about someone, even if I am unable to articulate why, are right on the money as far as if I instinctively know if I can trust them, or if I want to work closely with them. So, when I read from my PI results that I am going to "notice and understand technical matters more than social ones..." I guffaw.

I also laugh heartily at the "Authoritive and direct... pushes through roadblocks assertively... communication is direct, to the point and sometimes brusque..."  Because I see myself (and have been given feedback regarding it) as giving you the baby and the bathwater when it comes to communication.  I have a sticky by my computer to remind me "... If I Had To Say It In Bullet Points..." because I want to ensure everyone understands exactly what I mean.  I don't trust others to 'get it' so I over-compensate with over-explanation. (can you say "Controlling" ?!)

And then comes the many (many) times I'm proved right... that someone doesn't get the question, or the situation, and so much time is wasted going back and forth in email dialogue because of the initial misunderstanding. That drives me NUTS.

I'm in a situation right now where I've instigated putting together 7 other people to sing for a fun/humorous performance weekend in August. We'll sing two songs, and there is competition involved. You can win 1st, 2nd or 3rd place - or the Golden Banana... which is what everyone actually wants to win. In the past few years I was in a group that got third place, and the next year I was in a different group and we won the Golden Banana.  This time around, I wanted to work with people who hadn't done this Double Quartet experience before, and hopefully help grow some independent singing skills under the guise of having fun. Some of the gals in this group are brand new to this wonderful barbershop hobby, and others have been singing it for over 40 years.

Regarding this situation, I acknowledge that sometimes I actually might be "...direct and sometimes brusque..." because I want excellence (in work and play) as the end result. I like recognition for a job well done, and when my name is associated with something, I want to be able to have pride in what we've (I've) done.

And there it is. Pride. Writing this piece this morning has brought the mirror to my face, and so much crap in what I struggle with has to do with Pride. Caring what others think too often.

My comfort level in posting this (1 being low and 10 being high) is a -3.

Happy Easter 2012

I came on to write a blog post about an hour and a half ago... between writing down visualizations, checking out Pinterest, a few things on the yahoo site, buying a scarf and glowing solar flower garden stake -- I finally made it to write the blog -- now if only to remember what I was going to write about (!)

Now I have a headache from surfing the net, and...

wow. focus is tough.

What a week last week was -- so glad this is the start of a new week.

It started Sunday when I spent about 3 hours pulling weeds and picking up the dog poop -- and trimming branches from the tree... I knew I'd be hurting -- but have NEVER hurt as much as I have this past week. I'm still aching when I put my socks and shoes on... owwww! All week long I was moaning and groaning when I had to get up and walk anywhere. Funny had I not been in so much pain. But its funny now :-)

Found out Tuesday that someone fraudulently filed a tax return in my name - in New Hampshire - in February. And they got back a little over $5,000 (!). Nothing else, thankfully, is going on with the ID Theft -- no credit cards issued, or unusual activity on our credit cards... but I was a bit shaken up. What a headache. And filing next year will be even more of a headache. Not ever funny.

Wednesday I was locked out of my house for a while - not a big big deal, but I realized I shouldn't leave my purse and keys and, well, EVERYTHING in the other room that can be locked with no way to get to if I don't know where the spare keys are. This is funny now - not at 5:45 am when I realized I was locked out.  But it did give me a morning to get stuff done, which was nice.

Thursday I lost my gas cap - and well, I don't want to be negative, but the idiot girl who worked at the QT wouldn't give it back to me when I went by at 11pm at night asking if perhaps someone had turned it in around 4pm that afternoon, as that was the last place I'd seen it. 

Really...? Is there a rash of thieves going around taking random gas caps that they don't even know might be there in the back office of convenience stores?

But I got it back. This is funny.

I was up 2 lbs at Medifast on Thursday night. So not funny.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'd had over 20 pieces of chocolate (Easter) candy.
And I did the same thing yesterday at work.
But it is all gone now, so just don't buy any more. Much easier to resist it in the store than in the work drawer.
* * *

Watched Forks Over Knives last night.

I've thought for over 20 years that being a vegetarian is right for me... don't get me wrong, I love meat (and the smell of bacon being cooked right now is wonderful!) -- and eggs, and cheese, and all the things associated with animal foods. But on some level I've always thought a plant-food diet should be the way *I* eat.

Maybe I haven't been strong enough to stand up to nay-sayers... or maybe I didn't want to have to really work hard at making difficult choices... or making decisions about going out with friends and social occasions in general more difficult (choosing a restaurant becomes much more difficult, let alone going to a church potluck).

This year on Medifast, however, I've been pretty much taking my own food with me most places, and it goes well. I bought "The China Study" book about 5 or 6 years ago, and while it has a lot of boring 'results of the study' graphs and charts - the bottom line is that eating plants is healthier. I then did some more online reading and read a lot of 'other side' arguments, and put the book away. And went back to "balance in all things" kind of thinking, and put it out of my mind. T Collin Campbell is co-author of the The China Study, and is one of the two main Doctors who are featured in the Forks Over Knives documentary.

Seeing the people in the video physically change and proclaim the health benefits... well, it just put the last weight on the balance scale in favor of going to a plant-way of eating. Which means no animal by-products (i.e., dairy). The cholesterol numbers were compelling -- not to mention the woman who doesn't have to take medication for diabetes anymore... and she works at a diabetic center, where no methods of medication had changed her health.... (!?!?!?!?!) But I think it was 6 weeks on the plant-based diet that had her off her diabetes medication(s).

Of course, last night himself went out and bought milk, and for me and my coffee some cream... and there is butter in the house... and I had some cottage cheese for dinner... so this will be huge change that will happen gradually. I plan/hope that it will get me back interested in cooking real food for my Lean & Green... and I'm looking on the non-meat protein sources on the MF charts, which means "Tofu - here I come!"

It comes down to where I want to spend my time and effort(s).
Choice.

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Acceptance... of the gifts & talents... AND the 'Never Ever Evers...'

My new favorite blog/writer is White Hot Truth -- and THIS POST made me burst out in tears today.

I think we waste a lot of time wishing for things --

I wish I was... a naturally non-cluttered person;
I wish I was... more organized
I wish I was... better at math
I wish I was... more athletic

I wish for everyone that we become happy with who we are. Right Now. That we love who we are at this moment... that we are becoming exactly who we are meant to be - with all our natural abilities (maybe undiscovered), AND all our natural non-abilities (I have to work at keeping things simple and manageable). I have to re-remember every time all the reasons why exercise is what I want in my life... every single time I go to exercise.

I wish for everyone that we love ourselves for what we can do right now.

It isn't that I don't want to have goals or things to improve or work toward ~ but the inner beatings need to stop.  Accept that I'll never ever be a size 10... that I'll never ever have a flat stomach... that I'll never ever like to clean my house... that I'll never ever want to pull weeds or do the physical labor that is required for a beautiful back yard myself...

I am a natural singer, and have been blessed with musical genes from both sides of my family -- and I need to accept it, love it, use it and (hopefully) bless others with this gift. Stop comparing my special gift with others who ALSO have been given special gifts and talents.

Don't knock the talents you have just because it comes easily... there are people out there who wish they could do what we can -- and vice-versa. Enjoy the differences. Learn and challenge ourselves to improve... but love yourself all the time.

Day 331 -- Feeling Emotions

Ben @ Ben Does Life said it best on 11/29...

When things go bad... and when things go good...

go read it.

* * *

I've been crying on and off the past 4 days -- the emotional magnitude of what it means to have lost 100 lbs... it is huge. And I'm really slow at processing.  And even slower putting words to the emotions that I have no words for... difficult to express oneself when no words can be found.  So, tears let it out in the meantime -- most are happy, some I think are grief and regret... but those are short-lived, and the feeling of being ON the mountaintop returns and erases the old crap thinking/feeling, and a certainty of validation in myself that it is possible, and certainly if *I* can do it -- this thing is possible.

Totally, incredibly, challengingly possible.

48 more to go. Still a bit of a climb, but wonderfully possible.

End-of-Tunnel Light -- straight up ahead.

* * *
ETA: Nothing is done alone. I couldn't have done this alone. Life is about helping each other... Relationship.
I'm without-words grateful to my step-father & mom for making this financially possible, my own himself for being supportive both emotionally and financially as well.

Lyn at Escape from Obesity on her post today said:

"Goal" is what I am doing right now: learning, experiencing, taking the time I need to become healthier in the long haul. "Goal" is a rich life and self awareness.

 Yes. Amen Sista!!

I'm learning that I may not want everything I thought I wanted. I'm asking myself a lot lately ~ "what do you truly truly want?" and then trying to make decisions accordingly. I've posted my Priority Hierarchy on the bathroom wall... and tonight I'm putting Work/Career ahead of chorus... Big Step.

Be Honest.

Whoa.

But what if what I really want doesn't match up with what other people think is the right thing to want? 

I have to believe that other people have this thought... maybe in different words, though.

What if... what I want makes me appear arrogant, and unapproachable... or snotty? Or worse, un-lovable? What if what I want isn't right? And I pray about not my will but His -- and ask constantly about what direction I should be facing.


And the journey continues.

Day 232

[Interesting side note: I'm very close to the number of days on Medifast equaling the number of pounds I currently weigh. Cool Huh?]

I'm 6 lbs away from being able to say "I've lost 100 pounds!!!" with a big HUGE happy grin on my face.

And then... when I sit with it for awhile, the enormity of this milestone overwhelms me.

How did I get to a point in my life where I needed to lose over 100 lbs?

I went to a Montessori pre-school, and I remember one of the teachers (I used to remember his name) was big on taking responsibility.  The toys in his classroom were in much nicer condition, the books were not colored or scribbled in, and the kids there seemed more mature somehow (yes, things I noticed at age 3 and/or 4). I got to his class eventually... it felt as if it was a reward, a recognition of something, once you were able to be in his class. Responsibility seems to be something with which I struggle. A lot. Constantly.

As an only child, I was responsible. There wasn't anyone else to blame if something was wrong, or broken. 

Until 2007, in my work life, I absolutely refused to take on any kind of job or career that involved too much responsibility. Perhaps I was so busy feeling responsible for things that were, in reality, beyond actually being my responsibility... that this could be one reason why I stayed in jobs that required less.

Combine this with perfectionism... and that produced a lot of stuffed down resentment and anger at things...  pile on a serious People Pleasing drive ~ wanting (needing?) everyone to like me...

Then throw this ingredient into this emotional stew: I didn't say what I wanted (half the time because I didn't really know), and buried those "ugly" feelings that might cause people be get upset [can we say control issues?].

And the final little ingredient, a spice, really... I avoid confrontation. 

Eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted to eat it... that became a way to rebel, I think. Rebel against all the "good" and "nice" I was being on the outside, not having enough courage to stand up for myself verbally, and caring WAY too much about what other people were thinking of me.

I'm glad I'm coming out the other side... it sure feels a helluva lot better!!

Day 225

At Medifast yesterday I was down 2.5 lbs for a total of 88 lbs down.  While I was only down 2 lbs over two weeks, my body scan showed that I have lost 7 lbs of body fat.  The walking 6 miles a week is helping!!

This morning on MY scale I saw a new number ~ 244.8.  Discussion with my MF counselor yesterday was focused on ... staying focused. Journalling. Making a plan of eating for the week... and I promised to get back to blogging every day -- putting this BACK on top of the priority plan.

Yes, life has things coming at us all the time, things which want to move us [DISTRACT!] from one direction to another... things that look more fun, or look like a better idea "in the long run," or... in my case... "Look! Shiny!" And before we know it, we've stopped the good habits we're trying to build.

And while I'm giving myself grace and forgiveness when I stumble for a time... that doesn't mean that my Health/Fitness actions move from the number #1 spot in my priority plan/schedule for the day, week, month, year, decade... LIFE!!

And God needs to be overall, in all goals, in all actions, in all plans... and I've lost sight of how helpful it is to take time every day to just "Be Still and know that He Is God" -- to release my worries, my stresses, my anxiousness to Him. 

As the Fabulous Renee Porzel said last weekend about chorus members on the risers... "[the director/choreographer's directions] release us from having an opinion."  ~ I think this relates fabulously to God and what He wants for us... His desire for us to follow Christ... (and the "Plan for Life" that is called the Bible) releases us from having to think about it.  Being obedient actually does give us a bit of freedom.

And this works for food, for exercise, for studying... just being obedient to the plan you're following, without argument, without cajoling, without bargaining... simplicity at its finest, really.

Ah... easier said than done, but what a good reminder for me today.

A number of years ago I lost 25 lbs doing the Weigh Down Workshop (Gwen Shamblin).  I think the foundation of the program (eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied... and when you want to eat from any other reason other than fuel and energy for the body, then turn to God and His Word to fill that emotional hole.) is sound, though I think there was too much guilt, and then the program lost its way when her church started up (!)... ANYWAY... my point was -- Finding Freedom in Obedience was a mainstay of the philosophy, and 'being released' from having to argue or have an opinion is extremely freeing.
* * *

Yesterday was very busy... 4 hours on the road to Chandler... met my mom & step-dad for a brief visit and coffee after the MF appointment... then Craft Class (Fragrance Diffusers)... then picked up the soap we made in July... then dinner with a good friend... then home to my cute hubby and catching up on Project Runway.
* * *

My friend's been a widow 3 years today... I can't believe it has been 3 years since that tragic bicycle accident that took away the life of a vibrant, energetic, God-loving, enthusiastic, intelligent, oreo-cookie-loving husband, father & grandfather.

We never know what the day will bring.  It just reminds me again of what is important -- people and relationships -- not objects and possessions.

One More Thought...

"Order is Heaven's First Law." ~ Alexander Pope

I've started with getting my body & health in order... my mind should be following along closely... but I'm not sure about that ~ so I need to pay more attention.

Really getting rid of stuff isn't about the stuff.  I really like Peter Walsh, and am thinking I should take a trip to Bookman's and use my Bookman's Store Credit to see if there are any Peter Walsh books there.

This page on Oprah's site has some good stuff. I really like the last Q/A about completing the cycle... and that we all think we are 8 year olds thinking someone is going to clean up after us.  I'm so very extraordinarily guilty of that... and so is my wonderful himself.

"A lot of clutter is a lack of acceptance that a moment has passed. Maybe someone has kept all her college English papers because she wanted to be a writer, but she never put in the time and energy to make it happen." ~ Peter Walsh

Can we say, "Ah- HA!"

Day 131 ~ I avoided the cheesecake

Today I scrapbooked for the first time in awhile... saw a scrapper friend I've not seen since losing 60 lbs, and won the "Grand Prize" of a $50 Gift Certificate worth of Creative Memories products.

I have had a good day.

I feel beaten and sad. I'm still feeling bad over something I did two weeks ago, and now small little things are annoying me.

I've walked 7 miles this week (YAY!).

I had a successful week of training for a new job ~ I'm now employed by the American Red Cross as a Telerecruiter for Blood Services... I've learned a lot about Regulations, Blood facts, and Consent Decrees. Well, not a lot about Consent Decrees, but a little.

My quartet had a fabulous weekend singing around town for Mother's Day Harmony-Grams, and now we're booked at a local bookstore in June to sing for *money!!* Woot Woot!!!!  And one of the hair salons we sang in was impressed enough to ask for a business card and hopefully some community opportunities will come from that.

My point: things are good. Writing this short list of good things helped REMIND me that I'm blessed. I'm still so thankful for losing weight, and Medifast, and my cute hubby... so these useless feelings need to say adios & sayonara!

Hrmph.

Day 77 -- A Little Backsliding - Bah!

I ate dinner at 10:00 pm last -- didn't think I ate anything over limits ~ was up a pound this morning! Yesterday was somewhat active with the singing last night -- Saturday was a very active day with standing up and singing, and walking... and here I am playing with one pound again (!)

I guess this is the consequence of weighing every day. But I'm not to a place of confidence yet... I guess this is a confidence in myself.

I'm feeling good about myself with the eating, so I find other things to berate myself over. This is kind of one of those things I have been afraid of when the time came and I started losing weight ~ other "defects" (for the lack of a kinder word) would show up and become more obvious.  Maybe only more obvious to me, I realize, but beating myself up for not being perfect about eating and taking an active role in becoming healthier has always been an ACTIVE thing... getting up earlier (still not going to bed early enough 5 days a week out of 7) is a physical thing (like eating and exercise)... the ACT of these changes doesn't have to be a big mind game.

I think what I mean by that is that I knew that one day - some how - some way - the day would come when changes would be made and I would be on this weight loss journey.  I would then be ACTIVE in making changes - making physical choices in exercising and eating less and eating better.

Procrastination... or ~ allowing the inner brat to win most of the battles that go on in my mind... this is the issue that is underneath it all ~ and as the layers of fat cells decrease, the more this underlying mass of mind mess reveals itself.

I tend to focus on the good and positive things that are going on as a way of avoidance.  To be optimistic and cheerful, rather than dour and negative is just such a more pleasant way to feel.  Sometimes, I think, however, that I need to spend a carefully monitored amount of time (i.e., set the timer for 30 minutes or something) and GO THERE and feel those not-so-happy feelings. Then forgive myself and the situation (and/or the players in the situation that I may be feeling sour toward) and move forward.

hmmmmm.... now I have a weird feeling in my stomach.... a feeling of un-named dread.

Day 60 ~ Really, it is!

Another pound down this morning.

I ate breakfast at 10 minutes to 6am, and this will change my whole day's schedule of eating.

Need to grocery shop in a big way... only turnips and a couple green onions left, oh, and a bag 'o lettuce that himself got at the grocery store a couple days ago.
* * * * *

Someone said to me (after reading some of this blog) that I seem to be hungry all the time. I have a couple thoughts on this... first, that I've been overeating for so long that my "full," "satisfied" and "hungry" meters are out of whack.

My Old "Hunger/Full" Meter and what I think it really meant.

Stuffed = "Happy"
Overfull = Satisfied
Full = Could eat some more
Satisfied = want more of the good stuff!
Almost Hungry = Bored and need to distract myself
Nibbly = Bored or Avoiding something
Moderately Hungry = How long has it been since I ate?
Quite Hungry = Haven't had any snacks, no food in site
"Starvin' Marvin" = So involved in something I forgot the time, headache-y
Past Hungry = Stomach Growling

Old Habits Are So Hard To Break! In the little chart above, the bold word on the left was the physical feeling, most of the time (Nibbly is the exception, rarely was I hungry if I was nibbly)... Past Hungry was having ignored hunger and let it pass after 15 minutes, and it goes away and then comes around again in shorter and shorter increments.  If I was that involved in something, obviously it annoyed me greatly to have to stop and eat!

My other thought: Wanting More Food isn't a sign of being actually hungry.  My head is so incredibly over-involved in what should be a stomach/body-only area!! And mind over matter is a truth for me. By that I mean that the power of our minds isn't known, and to change one's mind is the key to everything. Simple, but so NOT EASY! I think I may be saying I'm hungry, when in actuality I'm feeling the lack of being stuffed. I'm quite satisfied physically, but I still WANT MORE. It is a heart issue, a brain game... and a very hard habit to break.

Staying focused and resisting foods that are off-plan and off-limits for the time being is my habit, and right now I have to be steadfast in my commitment.  Shoot, it isn't just for Right Now -- staying focused and steadfast in eating moderately for FUEL and nothing else is for a lifetime.
* * * * *

We're getting Air Conditioning next week!  Whoooo-HOOOOOOOO!

Day 45 ~ More Emotional Sifting

Somehow I'm a day off -- This should be Day 46 -- but I'm just going to go with it.
* * * * *
Yesterday was a pretty awful struggle in the afternoon/early evening!

It is tied in with not contributing enough money to the household, and feeling quite poor all the time; though we certainly are not poor! We are considerably blessed -- and I have to really check myself when I start feeling all deprived... SOOOOOOO not deprived!!!

I'd met a friend at Starbucks, who has asked me to help her and her business partner market their website better -- and she'll/they'll be paying for my efforts.  Situations like this put me in a place of anxiety. Big Time!  I'm absolutely THRILLED that she thought of me, and has put her trust in me to do what I can (whatever that is). On the other hand, I know I'm lacking in a lot of knowledge that others out there possess as a second nature, almost, when it comes to this stuff (internet marketing).

We wrote some stuff down, and I have an idea how to get started -- I wrote her an email to recap what we'd discussed, and we came to a payment agreement; which I also recapped in the email (and, by the way, it suits me perfectly and the timing is amazing!).  This is one of those situations where I firmly believe that God has worked His perfect timing in an answer to prayer.  *But* I just had that thought about an answer to prayer this very minute as I've been trying to write this post and figure out what I'm trying to say!

Takes a moment to reflect and say "Thank You God - You ROCK!"

Back to the other stuff... when I got home, I was hungry - had a pickle, my soup, water, and himself discovered his battery was dead and told me he had to go into work today (and no, he didn't want to take my car so I could pile stuff in the van because it was the first opportunity he would have of driving with his super-duper spectacular radio that has blue tooth and a little mini screen so it can play DVDs too... cuz THAT is what you need while driving -- another distraction[!]), and all these things that I'd promised the Rummage Sale was going up in smoke; so feeling bad about not delivering on THAT promise [lesson learned: don't promise, just say 'do my best' and try, I guess... which wraps me up in wishy-washiness, which I really don't like!].

I got on the computer and went to their website, read my 'idiot's guide' about creating web pages and blogs regarding Meta tags... nothing about adding video on it, so more research coming... and getting hungrier... had a 'snack' (which I now realize is a meal replacement, not an optional snack -- oops!)... some tea... no idea what to have for dinner -- but the feelings are crying out for BULK and COMFORT.  And then I remembered I had Shirataki Noodles -- and remembered Lyn's Shiratake Noodle Bake was on her site, so went over there and used it as a starting point and digressed from her recipe almost 100% (*smile*)... but I didn't start cooking until like, 8:30 pm because of all the emotional crap I was fighting in my head.

I was feeling really crappy, and for the first time, really (since starting MF in January) --I had a concrete thought of going to food as a way to "Feel Better." My head knew that was crap, and I just took a few minutes to breathe, and asked myself  "why are you feeling like this? REALLY??!!" and processed my feelings, trying to figure out what was happening.  Expressing my frustration that plans I thought we'd made were only in my head, and being careful not to put blame anywhere and also express appreciation at how hard himself has been working at work and at home... and taking action on marketing myself as a singer for senior communities by drafting a letter to solicit business -- all these things brought my emotions back in balance.

I started realizing when I was cooking that I was going to be going over on my amounts -- this was quite conscious, actually (not that I started with the intention of going over, but realizing that I wanted ALL the noodles!!! and that I'd figure out the equivalents later, which I've done this morning) so my amounts were  = 5 Greens, Less than 1 Lean, 5 over on my condiments -- Plus I'd had an extra MF Meal because I thought the Parmesan Cheese Puffs were a snack, not a Meal Replacement... you can see my recipe here (very VERY loosely based on Lyn's from Escape from Obesity). As I say, I was more interested in Bulk & Comfort, I think -- the noodles were extremely appealing at the time of this minor emotional crisis...

 

as you can see... it looks pretty darn delicious.. and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I was completely satisfied after eating and while I knew I'd gone over and was off on a few things according to strict MF Guidelines...
 

I also knew that everything I was putting in my mouth was On Program -- it wasn't pasta, it wasn't potatoes, it wasn't Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, or chocolate! So I'm absolutely thrilled with my process and my progress and taking a minute to step back, get some perspective and HANG ON!

* * * * * 

So -- Yay ME! and as a reward -- I bought some songs on itunes! I'm planning a "Doris Day" set for a Cabaret Show, and need to learn a few songs -- so... got a few Doris tunes (I ♥ Doris Day!), AND remembered a song from long long longgggg ago that I've been meaning to get on my ipod for awhile, "The Last Time I Felt Like This (I Was Falling In Love)" [the song and clips from the movie on YouTube] sung by Johnny Mathis & Jane Olivor from the movie, "Same Time, Next Year" -- which is one of my all time favorite movies, that I keep forgetting I adore! 

I sang the song with good and very talented friend in High School for one of our choir concerts -- and was so happy last night when I remembered it... FOUND it... and listened to it again!!

* * * * *

So... today I am feeling better... the scale was still down 1 lb this morning, and I have the day off so was able to catch up on some sleep, write at a pace I like, load my car with the few things I've gathered for the Rummage Sale, and now off to deliver it - and make a stop at storage so I can plan for the Craft Class tomorrow!

Day 44 ~ It Looks Like Rain in the Arizona Sky!

I'm sniffly and sneezy... so the garlic came out this morning -- along with extra Vitamin C and Echinacea!  Lots of water, and two more hours of sleep should help!

Feeling good ~ my scale showed down .2 lbs this morning!

This is just a quickie morning post, have to head off to work.  More to Come
* * * * *

Whew. I feel like I just walked off a cliff of discouragement and dismay.  I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that I seriously need another job ~ and the prospects are slim!

The job websites are all showing sales, retail, call center or "WORK FROM HOME!" - bleh.

So I started composing a letter to send to Senior Communities in the area to go and sing for them ~ which has brightened my spirits considerably.

Dang -- those feelings are dangerous... I've not had my Lean & Green yet, and I'm HUNGRY... but feeling all down and under keeps any kind of motivation far away -- and if I don't have a plan, I'll be Done For!  And today I didn't have a plan -- I have zukes, some kale, some romaine, some cottage cheese, some fat-free cheese, some scallions, some broccoli and cauliflower ~ so I can do stuff... plus a tin of diced tomatoes, some chicken broth (low sodium this time!), and all sorts of ideas... just nothing sounded good.

Himself's van's battery was dead after he fitted his super-spectacular new radio (his Christmas present), and going outside to hang out with it while it ran for 30 minutes after he got it started so he could go back and work... and the fact that I had talked about needing the van tomorrow to take stuff to the Rummage Sale, and how he's not done the things we talked about him doing so I could take the pieces to the Rummage Sale drop off tomorrow... I'm sure those feelings had something to do with how I was feeling.

And the fact I've not taken the tree down doesn't help me feel any better.

What good does it do to say anything? Nothing will change... he'll just be upset, which makes me upset, and I just don't have the emotional tools to really stand up for myself.  Well... I expressed myself, without placing blame, just expressing frustration -- and he's worked really hard all week, and the room is so close to being finished it is within spitting distance! :-)
* * * * *

I'm fixing the Shirataki Noodle Bake which I've modified quite a bit... going to take it out of the oven and take a picture and post it later... while cooking, it tasted delish!

Day 20 ~ Concrete Details

Concrete Productivity vs. Processing Emotions and thoughts

This morning I slept in until 8:15... I tried to sleep until 9am but, too many thoughts clamoring that needed action! I got out of bed to feed the dog and pee (my only definite "routine" in the morning...), and I put the hot water on to boil at medium.  I went back to bed, thinking I'd catch a few more zzz's, and then thought that leaving a 1/2-full kettle on medium to boil dry in 45 minutes wasn't the best idea...(!) and then started thinking of all the things I wanted to do before this afternoon's quartet rehearsal, so I got out of bed and got movin'!

I started coffee, started soaking my Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal, started some tea, took my MF vitamins, turned on the George Foreman Grill (GFG), and in-between all this I was putting clean dishes away, loading the dishwasher and hand-washing utensils I would be needing to prepare the day's food.

I started grilling the chicken that has been marinading for two days - divvied up the white tenders into 6 oz portions and put them in labeled baggies; divvied up the dark thigh meat into 5.5 oz portions and one 2.5 oz portion.  I prepared cream of chicken soup for this afternoon's quartet rehearsal, and put in 1/4 cup chopped spinach leaves (a recommendation from Lyn at Escape from Obesity) and took .5 oz from one of the dark meat portions and cut up really fine little bits of chicken, along with substituting 1/4 cup of water for low sodium chicken broth.

I started eating my Oatmeal at almost 9am, and just finished it when I sat down to write this post... at almost 9:45am... had to warm in up a couple times before I could finish it!

I even went out and picked up the Sunday paper *on purpose* thinking I might have time this morning to look a the food sales and stock up! [Normally I pick the paper as I'm leaving the house, and it sits in my car for weeks or months...]

So I've been quite productive this morning and feel all self-righteous because I got so much done - and now I reward myself with some blogging.

Oh Yeah -- and I am back down the pound I was up yesterday... so that helped my good feelings; though I know I am doing good things, so being the same would have not been a disaster or anything.

* * * * *
Doing Something Concrete is usually my answer for combating unhealthy thoughts and feelings.  Concrete Details of preparing today's food and this week's protein for some soups or meals... the activity kept me focused this morning and prevents me from dwelling on all the things I haven't done, or the things that I have yet to do, or the worry that I really need to find another part time job or a full time job quite soon.

The questions I put down a couple days ago really need some attention, a few minutes at a time... I've been living a lot of my life as a reaction to my upbringing, as opposed to choosing what I really believe would be the best choice for me.  I actually realized this as a seed of a thought in my late 20's, but back then I wasn't a big deal. It has become a bigger deal.

* * * * *
And what would I want to write in my obituary... I've seen this on a couple self-help/life-focus blogs or articles, but haven't taken the time to do it... when I read an Obituary, I'm struck by what kind of service their life reflected. I believe we're put here to help other people, but I don't think we know very often what kind of positive influence we might have... which is one of the reasons if I hear something nice said about someone else, I will repeat that nice thing back to the person of whom the comment was said -- because I feel we don't tell others sincerely how much we appreciate them.   If what I'm doing isn't appreciated, then I will move on to something that will be more appreciated.

How do I know if it is appreciated if someone doesn't say something? And not just a passing, "thanks" when the event or an evening is over... for me to really know that my effort is appreciated, I want a couple minutes taken out of someone's day by a postcard or a phone call, or a personal email even.

In my world, this concept is tied up with whatever our natural talents or gifts are... what is a talent for me -- something that comes so naturally without thought or effort... it is easy for me to not give myself credit for that, and even easier to negate someone else's positive affirmations of what I've used the talent for, because I didn't have to work at it. I throw away those kind and gentle words of others because I didn't have to DO enough to earn it.

The Twisted Way We View The World!

These Thoughts To Be Continued...