Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Day 232

[Interesting side note: I'm very close to the number of days on Medifast equaling the number of pounds I currently weigh. Cool Huh?]

I'm 6 lbs away from being able to say "I've lost 100 pounds!!!" with a big HUGE happy grin on my face.

And then... when I sit with it for awhile, the enormity of this milestone overwhelms me.

How did I get to a point in my life where I needed to lose over 100 lbs?

I went to a Montessori pre-school, and I remember one of the teachers (I used to remember his name) was big on taking responsibility.  The toys in his classroom were in much nicer condition, the books were not colored or scribbled in, and the kids there seemed more mature somehow (yes, things I noticed at age 3 and/or 4). I got to his class eventually... it felt as if it was a reward, a recognition of something, once you were able to be in his class. Responsibility seems to be something with which I struggle. A lot. Constantly.

As an only child, I was responsible. There wasn't anyone else to blame if something was wrong, or broken. 

Until 2007, in my work life, I absolutely refused to take on any kind of job or career that involved too much responsibility. Perhaps I was so busy feeling responsible for things that were, in reality, beyond actually being my responsibility... that this could be one reason why I stayed in jobs that required less.

Combine this with perfectionism... and that produced a lot of stuffed down resentment and anger at things...  pile on a serious People Pleasing drive ~ wanting (needing?) everyone to like me...

Then throw this ingredient into this emotional stew: I didn't say what I wanted (half the time because I didn't really know), and buried those "ugly" feelings that might cause people be get upset [can we say control issues?].

And the final little ingredient, a spice, really... I avoid confrontation. 

Eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted to eat it... that became a way to rebel, I think. Rebel against all the "good" and "nice" I was being on the outside, not having enough courage to stand up for myself verbally, and caring WAY too much about what other people were thinking of me.

I'm glad I'm coming out the other side... it sure feels a helluva lot better!!

Day 77 -- A Little Backsliding - Bah!

I ate dinner at 10:00 pm last -- didn't think I ate anything over limits ~ was up a pound this morning! Yesterday was somewhat active with the singing last night -- Saturday was a very active day with standing up and singing, and walking... and here I am playing with one pound again (!)

I guess this is the consequence of weighing every day. But I'm not to a place of confidence yet... I guess this is a confidence in myself.

I'm feeling good about myself with the eating, so I find other things to berate myself over. This is kind of one of those things I have been afraid of when the time came and I started losing weight ~ other "defects" (for the lack of a kinder word) would show up and become more obvious.  Maybe only more obvious to me, I realize, but beating myself up for not being perfect about eating and taking an active role in becoming healthier has always been an ACTIVE thing... getting up earlier (still not going to bed early enough 5 days a week out of 7) is a physical thing (like eating and exercise)... the ACT of these changes doesn't have to be a big mind game.

I think what I mean by that is that I knew that one day - some how - some way - the day would come when changes would be made and I would be on this weight loss journey.  I would then be ACTIVE in making changes - making physical choices in exercising and eating less and eating better.

Procrastination... or ~ allowing the inner brat to win most of the battles that go on in my mind... this is the issue that is underneath it all ~ and as the layers of fat cells decrease, the more this underlying mass of mind mess reveals itself.

I tend to focus on the good and positive things that are going on as a way of avoidance.  To be optimistic and cheerful, rather than dour and negative is just such a more pleasant way to feel.  Sometimes, I think, however, that I need to spend a carefully monitored amount of time (i.e., set the timer for 30 minutes or something) and GO THERE and feel those not-so-happy feelings. Then forgive myself and the situation (and/or the players in the situation that I may be feeling sour toward) and move forward.

hmmmmm.... now I have a weird feeling in my stomach.... a feeling of un-named dread.

Day 60 ~ Really, it is!

Another pound down this morning.

I ate breakfast at 10 minutes to 6am, and this will change my whole day's schedule of eating.

Need to grocery shop in a big way... only turnips and a couple green onions left, oh, and a bag 'o lettuce that himself got at the grocery store a couple days ago.
* * * * *

Someone said to me (after reading some of this blog) that I seem to be hungry all the time. I have a couple thoughts on this... first, that I've been overeating for so long that my "full," "satisfied" and "hungry" meters are out of whack.

My Old "Hunger/Full" Meter and what I think it really meant.

Stuffed = "Happy"
Overfull = Satisfied
Full = Could eat some more
Satisfied = want more of the good stuff!
Almost Hungry = Bored and need to distract myself
Nibbly = Bored or Avoiding something
Moderately Hungry = How long has it been since I ate?
Quite Hungry = Haven't had any snacks, no food in site
"Starvin' Marvin" = So involved in something I forgot the time, headache-y
Past Hungry = Stomach Growling

Old Habits Are So Hard To Break! In the little chart above, the bold word on the left was the physical feeling, most of the time (Nibbly is the exception, rarely was I hungry if I was nibbly)... Past Hungry was having ignored hunger and let it pass after 15 minutes, and it goes away and then comes around again in shorter and shorter increments.  If I was that involved in something, obviously it annoyed me greatly to have to stop and eat!

My other thought: Wanting More Food isn't a sign of being actually hungry.  My head is so incredibly over-involved in what should be a stomach/body-only area!! And mind over matter is a truth for me. By that I mean that the power of our minds isn't known, and to change one's mind is the key to everything. Simple, but so NOT EASY! I think I may be saying I'm hungry, when in actuality I'm feeling the lack of being stuffed. I'm quite satisfied physically, but I still WANT MORE. It is a heart issue, a brain game... and a very hard habit to break.

Staying focused and resisting foods that are off-plan and off-limits for the time being is my habit, and right now I have to be steadfast in my commitment.  Shoot, it isn't just for Right Now -- staying focused and steadfast in eating moderately for FUEL and nothing else is for a lifetime.
* * * * *

We're getting Air Conditioning next week!  Whoooo-HOOOOOOOO!

Day 45 ~ More Emotional Sifting

Somehow I'm a day off -- This should be Day 46 -- but I'm just going to go with it.
* * * * *
Yesterday was a pretty awful struggle in the afternoon/early evening!

It is tied in with not contributing enough money to the household, and feeling quite poor all the time; though we certainly are not poor! We are considerably blessed -- and I have to really check myself when I start feeling all deprived... SOOOOOOO not deprived!!!

I'd met a friend at Starbucks, who has asked me to help her and her business partner market their website better -- and she'll/they'll be paying for my efforts.  Situations like this put me in a place of anxiety. Big Time!  I'm absolutely THRILLED that she thought of me, and has put her trust in me to do what I can (whatever that is). On the other hand, I know I'm lacking in a lot of knowledge that others out there possess as a second nature, almost, when it comes to this stuff (internet marketing).

We wrote some stuff down, and I have an idea how to get started -- I wrote her an email to recap what we'd discussed, and we came to a payment agreement; which I also recapped in the email (and, by the way, it suits me perfectly and the timing is amazing!).  This is one of those situations where I firmly believe that God has worked His perfect timing in an answer to prayer.  *But* I just had that thought about an answer to prayer this very minute as I've been trying to write this post and figure out what I'm trying to say!

Takes a moment to reflect and say "Thank You God - You ROCK!"

Back to the other stuff... when I got home, I was hungry - had a pickle, my soup, water, and himself discovered his battery was dead and told me he had to go into work today (and no, he didn't want to take my car so I could pile stuff in the van because it was the first opportunity he would have of driving with his super-duper spectacular radio that has blue tooth and a little mini screen so it can play DVDs too... cuz THAT is what you need while driving -- another distraction[!]), and all these things that I'd promised the Rummage Sale was going up in smoke; so feeling bad about not delivering on THAT promise [lesson learned: don't promise, just say 'do my best' and try, I guess... which wraps me up in wishy-washiness, which I really don't like!].

I got on the computer and went to their website, read my 'idiot's guide' about creating web pages and blogs regarding Meta tags... nothing about adding video on it, so more research coming... and getting hungrier... had a 'snack' (which I now realize is a meal replacement, not an optional snack -- oops!)... some tea... no idea what to have for dinner -- but the feelings are crying out for BULK and COMFORT.  And then I remembered I had Shirataki Noodles -- and remembered Lyn's Shiratake Noodle Bake was on her site, so went over there and used it as a starting point and digressed from her recipe almost 100% (*smile*)... but I didn't start cooking until like, 8:30 pm because of all the emotional crap I was fighting in my head.

I was feeling really crappy, and for the first time, really (since starting MF in January) --I had a concrete thought of going to food as a way to "Feel Better." My head knew that was crap, and I just took a few minutes to breathe, and asked myself  "why are you feeling like this? REALLY??!!" and processed my feelings, trying to figure out what was happening.  Expressing my frustration that plans I thought we'd made were only in my head, and being careful not to put blame anywhere and also express appreciation at how hard himself has been working at work and at home... and taking action on marketing myself as a singer for senior communities by drafting a letter to solicit business -- all these things brought my emotions back in balance.

I started realizing when I was cooking that I was going to be going over on my amounts -- this was quite conscious, actually (not that I started with the intention of going over, but realizing that I wanted ALL the noodles!!! and that I'd figure out the equivalents later, which I've done this morning) so my amounts were  = 5 Greens, Less than 1 Lean, 5 over on my condiments -- Plus I'd had an extra MF Meal because I thought the Parmesan Cheese Puffs were a snack, not a Meal Replacement... you can see my recipe here (very VERY loosely based on Lyn's from Escape from Obesity). As I say, I was more interested in Bulk & Comfort, I think -- the noodles were extremely appealing at the time of this minor emotional crisis...

 

as you can see... it looks pretty darn delicious.. and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I was completely satisfied after eating and while I knew I'd gone over and was off on a few things according to strict MF Guidelines...
 

I also knew that everything I was putting in my mouth was On Program -- it wasn't pasta, it wasn't potatoes, it wasn't Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, or chocolate! So I'm absolutely thrilled with my process and my progress and taking a minute to step back, get some perspective and HANG ON!

* * * * * 

So -- Yay ME! and as a reward -- I bought some songs on itunes! I'm planning a "Doris Day" set for a Cabaret Show, and need to learn a few songs -- so... got a few Doris tunes (I ♥ Doris Day!), AND remembered a song from long long longgggg ago that I've been meaning to get on my ipod for awhile, "The Last Time I Felt Like This (I Was Falling In Love)" [the song and clips from the movie on YouTube] sung by Johnny Mathis & Jane Olivor from the movie, "Same Time, Next Year" -- which is one of my all time favorite movies, that I keep forgetting I adore! 

I sang the song with good and very talented friend in High School for one of our choir concerts -- and was so happy last night when I remembered it... FOUND it... and listened to it again!!

* * * * *

So... today I am feeling better... the scale was still down 1 lb this morning, and I have the day off so was able to catch up on some sleep, write at a pace I like, load my car with the few things I've gathered for the Rummage Sale, and now off to deliver it - and make a stop at storage so I can plan for the Craft Class tomorrow!

Day 44 ~ It Looks Like Rain in the Arizona Sky!

I'm sniffly and sneezy... so the garlic came out this morning -- along with extra Vitamin C and Echinacea!  Lots of water, and two more hours of sleep should help!

Feeling good ~ my scale showed down .2 lbs this morning!

This is just a quickie morning post, have to head off to work.  More to Come
* * * * *

Whew. I feel like I just walked off a cliff of discouragement and dismay.  I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with the fact that I seriously need another job ~ and the prospects are slim!

The job websites are all showing sales, retail, call center or "WORK FROM HOME!" - bleh.

So I started composing a letter to send to Senior Communities in the area to go and sing for them ~ which has brightened my spirits considerably.

Dang -- those feelings are dangerous... I've not had my Lean & Green yet, and I'm HUNGRY... but feeling all down and under keeps any kind of motivation far away -- and if I don't have a plan, I'll be Done For!  And today I didn't have a plan -- I have zukes, some kale, some romaine, some cottage cheese, some fat-free cheese, some scallions, some broccoli and cauliflower ~ so I can do stuff... plus a tin of diced tomatoes, some chicken broth (low sodium this time!), and all sorts of ideas... just nothing sounded good.

Himself's van's battery was dead after he fitted his super-spectacular new radio (his Christmas present), and going outside to hang out with it while it ran for 30 minutes after he got it started so he could go back and work... and the fact that I had talked about needing the van tomorrow to take stuff to the Rummage Sale, and how he's not done the things we talked about him doing so I could take the pieces to the Rummage Sale drop off tomorrow... I'm sure those feelings had something to do with how I was feeling.

And the fact I've not taken the tree down doesn't help me feel any better.

What good does it do to say anything? Nothing will change... he'll just be upset, which makes me upset, and I just don't have the emotional tools to really stand up for myself.  Well... I expressed myself, without placing blame, just expressing frustration -- and he's worked really hard all week, and the room is so close to being finished it is within spitting distance! :-)
* * * * *

I'm fixing the Shirataki Noodle Bake which I've modified quite a bit... going to take it out of the oven and take a picture and post it later... while cooking, it tasted delish!

Day 21 - Habit Yet? [Choices]

They say doing something for 21 days is the way to break or create a habit. Phooey. At least, Phooey if there isn't knowledge and consideration made for the fact that I Still Have To Think About It [The Habit] Every. Single. Time.

Conscious Thought. Since I can remember I've always been interested in self improvement - being "More Than." So I've been reading and consuming positive messages and self-help stuff since at least my teen years.  When I first read that it "only takes" 21 days to create or break a habit, I thought that was wonderful!! I made my bed for 21 days in a row, and I guess I thought that on the 22nd day, by magic, making my bed would seem effortless... something I would do without thinking about it.  And this is why I say Phooey to the 21-days in making or breaking a habit... because on day 22, 23, 24 and infinity... making my bed is something I have to struggle to do. I *totally* still had to THINK about it!!

I STILL have conversations with myself in the morning to just pull up the d*mn covers!  And the main reason I do it is so Rascal, when he comes and sleeps on our bed, doesn't fill the sheets with dog hair, which I then end up spitting out when I snuggle down between the sheets when I go to sleep. 

Do I like my bed made? Yes.
Do I know that if I don't make it, it won't be made? Yes.
Do I make my bed every morning? No.
Let me qualify a little... when I say "Make the bed" -- I mean like the beds you see on the front of a decorator magazine (which is my first problem).  I manage to pull up the covers at least, but I wish I had more drive to really make a better effort.

Which brings me to that phrase, "I wish I had more..." If I really wanted to, I would.  So, apparently, I don't really want to, and all these feelings are just excess guilt that really doesn't help me achieve anything.

I'm using the making the bed as an example... Day 21 is 3 weeks of Medifast.  And I am doing things differently than I was 3 weeks ago! I've been getting up even more consistently early -- need more time to prepare my meals for the day and blog.  The writing every day I think is essential to my success. Being honest with myself is also crucial, and yet I still am playing games in my mind... so have some stuff to work on there.

The point is -- if I, for a second, let down my guard and think that this new way of eating is a habit I don't have to think about... it is over. This is a forever commitment. No more mindlessness.

I'm not going to wake up some day and magically walk on a clear, weeded and cultivated "garden" path; the path that I'm now trying to plough through with a machete and hacksaw in the emotional jungle that is my life.  This path will always need care... when I've mapped my route through the jungle, there will always be a hanging vine, or creeping bush that will stray onto the manicured edging. That stray vegetation will need pruning, or even a digging out of the root... and to ignore or avoid it by way of food (my old way of dealing with things I wanted to avoid) is really no longer the option I want to take.

I want to remember that there is comfort in routine. There is a safety in good habits. There is freedom in discipline. (Really, there is... I say sweetly to my inner 3-year old who is still too sleepy to put up much of an argument right now)

"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly." ~ Julie Andrews

My first instinct it seems has always been to resist. To Challenge the authority that is telling me I should, or I Need To, or I Have To. Choice is key. I'm CHOOSING to wake up every morning and make my bed. Or Not. Walk The Dog. Or Not. Eat On Plan. Or Not. And accepting each choice as My Decision, is KEY to my success! "Just Change My Mind" (and view decisions from this perspective) -- simple. Sooooooo NOT Easy!!

And 21 Days is an excellent start.  21 Days of remembering this is My Choice. That everything is My Choice. (I'm not fooling myself to think I'm in control... not that at all!!) My Choice of acting by Reacting, or not Reacting, but rather Pro-acting.

* * *
Lyn at Escape from Obesity wrote an excellent post this morning about Obsessive Eating.  I haven't binged in a long long time, but I have kept secret food in a hiding place so I wouldn't have to share. She talks about Medifast as a kind of Food Rehab, which I totally agree with... it is nourishment, it tastes okay, but it isn't triggering unhealthy eating responses... unless we "Doctor the Flavor" up too much.  Fabulous Post!!
* * *

Edited to say: While I know this (change of eating) is a forever commitment, I understand that the longer I do it, the easier it is to make the right choices... But it seems to me that it is WAY easier to fall out of good habits (regardless of how long you've been doing it/them), than it is to create a good habit.

Day 4 - Why Will It Be Different This Time?

Will I be changed forever by the changes I make this year? That is my desire.

I need to be conscious every step of the way.  Making conscious choices of where I'm going and what I'm doing, and not letting emotions carry me off the healthy eating and lifestyle path.

Emotions to beware of: Guilt (feelings of 'should'); Pessimism ('Whatever; it doesn't make any difference' kinds of thoughts); Unique or Special ('just for this once, or this little while' -- an extremely dangerous thought for me to have -- overindulgence in spending has already happened... cannot let that transfer over to food).

I'm sure there are more, but that is what is on my mind as I start today: How Will This Time Be Different (so that I become an exception to a rule, rather than a statistic in keeping weight off once it is lost).
* * *
2:21 pm

Hmmmmmm... the food isn't tasting as 'tasty' today... the Cappuccino I had last night was fine. This morning I mixed it with coffee and water and didn't do very well mixing it up -- there was much sludge at the bottom of the mug -- and that was my breakfast :-(

The PB Crunch bar was fine -- I was pretty hungry so I scarfed it in 10 minutes (I usually make it last an hour)... and I just had Chili -- which I soaked in hot water last night -- heated it again this morning for more absorption to take place, and it was spicy soy curds.  I added extra water to bulk it up, and I did that last time, but not until I'd put the called-for amount of water in and soaked/cooked it... and I ate it within a few minutes, maybe letting it sit around too long made it rubbery.

I'm hungry today.  Day 4 and I'm supposed to be over this part of it, right?! A friend asked if I was hungry... and I hadn't been really, until today (!)

I think to change that "Are You Hungry?" question around to, "Are You Stuffed?" might be an interesting and productive exercise... because I DO have a lot more energy... and I know that is because I'm not over-eating. I'm still motivated, and I'm being a grown up.  I know hunger passes after 15 minutes, and if it is truly hunger, it'll come back quite quickly.  Fake hunger generally doesn't come back within a few minutes.

In other words, I'm on the hungry side, but I FEEL GREAT!
* * *
My oatmeal blew up in someone else's microwave... I'm tellin' ya the stars are stacked against me today!  I just had my lean and green huge 7 oz of shrimp salad and I'm still very hungry!!

I walked the dog this morning... it can't be that big a difference in my hunger if I walk around the block...?!?!
I ate a pickle as an optional snack, and am tempted to have a shake before going to bed... Medifast says if you're really hungry then don't go off plan, have another shake... so I'm going to do that!  I bought some ground turkey and some mahi mahi so I'm going to go look at the recipes on the MF website boards and see what I can see.

My scale was down 5 lbs this morning... so THAT is a good thing!

The First 5

From Monday the 8th of November to Monday the 11th of November I was down 5 lbs. This 5 lbs is one that is lost and gained pretty consistently -- so while it always feels fabulous; I know it is not an actual representation of weight lost. If 2 or 3 lbs is lost NEXT Monday (the 22nd) I will feel like I've actually lost some weight.

My day yesterday was a rough one... emotionally and eating-wise.  I had a counseling session in which I was told (for the second time in a  year), that I live in fantasy. Hrmph. Maybe I do. But eating 2 tacos at Jack in the Box (twice! The second time with a small curly fries) isn't the best way to process my absolute disagreement with my counselor's take on my life philosophy.

I shared my belief of  'do what you love, the money will follow' (attributed to Malcolm Forbes, I think) --and she completely shot it down. I didn't spend 15 minutes explaining that I know just loving something enough and doing it will not automatically cause the skies to flood with money to rain down on me.... but rather, to me it means find meaningful work that can lose yourself in because you feel passionate about it. Follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell says.

“When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.” ~ Joseph Campbell


And a Follow Up Explanation by him...


“The way to find out about happiness is to keep your mind on those moments when you feel most happy, when you are really happy — not excited, not just thrilled, but deeply happy. This requires a little bit of self-analysis. What is it that makes you happy? Stay with it, no matter what people tell you. This is what is called following your bliss.” ~ Joseph Campbell


So, what does this have to do with my weight and eating? Everything. To stick with (succeed!) the goal of losing weight - a big huge goal of 151 lbs means a long road to travel, full of emotional ups and downs and inward exploration that will be a B i G-fAt-HaIrY-D e A l for me to conquer the sabotage of myself by dulling my emotions with food. I've been seeing a counselor for a little over a year because of what she thinks is bi-polar behavior, what might be ADD, but really for whatever it is that prevents me from "being successful" in a career job making a decent living. I haven't ever been in a job for more than 3 years. I get bored... I hate the mundane routine and repetition of 'same thing, different day, different people.'


I am most certainly an instant gratification girl -- and losing weight is most certainly not an activity that satisfies that childish demand. I'm not lazy - I do a lot.  For things that I care about.


My response to not liking what she said resulted in a 76.5 point ww day. (Which blows the Flex Plan Weekly Allowance Points out the window until Thursday!) I did walk one lap around the park (.62 miles), and spent some time praying asking for discernment and wisdom with what was said to me today. I am a Christian, and I believe God has a plan for my life - mainly to do with the talents He's blessed me with (to which I keep saying no and running another direction). So perhaps today I'll keep the points to a minimum by drinking juice for my blood sugar and eating salad and veggies... while I continue processing my life so far.