Fear & Less

Fear of Loss.

Loss of Health. Loss of Family. Loss of Friends. Loss of Love. Loss of Time. Loss of Freedom. Loss of Integrity. Loss of Truth.

Fear of Inadequacy. Fear of the Truth. Fear of the Lies. Fear of Physical Pain. Fear of my government. Fear of my neighbor. Fear of the Global World we live in. Fear of Opinions. Fear of Routine. Fear of Discipline. Fear of Success. Fear of Failure. Fear of Not Doing Enough. Fear of Not Being Enough. Fear of Doing Too Much. Fear of Action. Fear of Staying the Same. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of THE METEOR de-magnetizing this amazing time we live in. Fear of Drought. Fear of Fire. Fear of GMOs. Fear of Big Business. Fear of the Ignorant (read the Haters). Fear of Disapproval.

The Joy of less | Kim Coupounas | TEDxBoulder

"What is that abundance, that joy, that your heart aches for? And what can you have less of to make room for it?" ~ Kim Coupounas

18 months almost to the day when I wrote my last post.

It still comes down to Focus. "Hacking away at the unessential" (thank you Bruce Lee).

I've met some new people, been able to get rid of a lot more craft items, but am not close to living simply. I have slowly come to realize over the last few months that I have an extremely deep Fear.

I Fear I Am Not Enough. My head knows this is garbage. And yet it is the driving force behind the majority of my daily decisions.

Perhaps I equate Less with Loss. Fear of needing the information in the book on Herbal Remedies that I just donated to the Salvation Army. Some of the fear is real, some of it is imagined, some of it comes from the Preppers (TSHTF group -  when 'the shit hits the fan' group), most of it comes through the media, and Social Media.

So what prompted me to write today, this minute, on this subject? A 25 minute conversation with my cousin - who had worked for a company himself has applied to. I had emailed my cousin to ask about his time with that company, company culture etc... and in response to my email to him, he said "I'm free now if you'd like to call me" - with his phone number.

Some background: This cousin and I love our shared family - his grandfather (Earl) loved me as a little girl because I reminded his grandfather of his daughter, Betty Kay, who is this cousin's mother, and who died much too young. His grandmother (Tess), was my paternal grandmother, Ethel's sister (my great-aunt), and they are siblings in "This Family" and this Family is special. I last saw my cousin at the funeral of great-aunt CJ, and because the cousins are spread out, we are not connected.

So I called him. And we talked longer than I thought we would - and after we talked about the company he used to work for, we agreed we miss the Lindsey Family gatherings. And we talked about how much we both love my dad. And how it blows our minds that my younger brother is 40. And we talked about his recent move, and what he does now. And I caught up on what his sisters are doing - not a lot of detail, but I know where they're living at least. And we talked about camping - and how I asked himself for a pop-up trailer and I came home to a tent in the back yard (Sooooo not a pop-up trailer - lol!). And we connected. I want more of that in my life.

Connection. I still want to have a business I can run from the internet, and travel around in a trailer and stay connected to my family and my friends. I want to be able to sing and perform with my guitar and ukulele (which I played with on the day I got it, but I think about playing it every single day, along with getting back to the guitar) and meet new people all across the country. This thrills my wandering soul. I don't know why exactly I'm not afraid of that.

But -
But - ~
But - ~ ...

What stops me? Why am I unable to stay Focused on What I Want (what I really really want ♪)?

Go back to the quote - what can I have less of to make room for it?

I feel like I'm closer to action. Today, at least.

Recently I had a conversation and I shared that I am just so tired. Tired of being anxious, tired of feeling hopeless in trying to change some of my behaviors. Tired of not accepting myself for being enough. Tired of saying at the beginning of each day, "I will not have the donuts or the bagels or the brownies or the cookies or the pita bread or the flour tortilla" and by 10am I've had the boston cream donut, and the banana cream pie, and the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites from Trader Joe's. I know my tiredness in part is because I haven't budged on the weight loss. I'm 3 lbs away from when I started Medi-Fast. That's another whole post.

We had some new friends over for Scotch Eggs and Haggis last night - and I cleaned the house. It looks so nice and smells so good. The living room is mostly clear of the random stuff that collects, that goes unnoticed because there is So. Much. Stuff. to keep track of and it has no permanent home. I love this clean feeling. And when I think about what I 'should' do to keep it up, then I'm instantly tired and hopeless. The Overwhelm of Life. Managing the Details. Negotiating throughout the day - because really, Life is All Negotiation.

No wonder the ideas of "Be More With Less" and "Tiny Houses" and "Becoming Minimalist" are so attractive and gaining momentum.

I live in my head. I collect information. I  know things, but I don't necessarily understand. And while I've been known to make fast decisions (hello, marry himself and then move out of the country in a span of less than 6 months...), this idea of living with so much less is huge change. Acting on this "Less is More" thing is scary. I have all that Fear.

My Month So Far

A long, boring post of what I've done since the beginning of October, 2014. I'm so distracted in the clutter and being overwhelmed, I just thought I'd list, rather than create. But, it is in the spirit of trying to write more regularly... which I've been horribly irregular about, here's my month so far:

10/1 - Met a friend at the Good Egg for 8am breakfast and to receive the goodies from my Origami Owl party (held on 9/21) to give to my friends who bought some pretty jewelry goodies! I've known this gal since my second time around at American Airlines Reservations employment (SWRO). She and I went through the coaching program together, and she's still working for them! At home, but still... I admire that tenacity!

10/2 - Haircut... I thought I was going to let my hair grow into a shaped bob, but can't deal with that right now... I started this day with writing down goals for the next week... taking time to write a "To Do List" and timing how long that took (7 minutes)... how long it would take to follow my Social Media plan (started with 15 minutes, but it went into 1 hour - and from what I've done today, I need to have a Serious Chat with myself about how I work this into my business plan... because days go by and I do nothing else). I wrote down a huge list of things to do, and I got some stuff done (like organizing tickets to the Tucson Desert Harmony October 18th Cabaret Show and getting my table of 8 guests done). I did talk to my tax guy, who advised - "Every time you take out your wallet and pay for something, write it down." He also suggested paying 20% of my Real Estate pay (commission checks) to the IRS every. single. check.  Which I think is a good idea for me. I think I spent a lot of time organizing my friends and groups in Facebook...
I texted a friend from ARC, talked to another friend about voice lessons for her daughter.

10/3 - I worked a lot on the Facebook messages about starting out in Real Estate. I received a possible lead. I worked on my personal excel spreadsheet of people I know, and how I can get their information to add to my RE Contact Management System. I did laundry. I sorted my "To Do List" A1, A2 etc...  I did start something for my first Open House which was held 10/5.

10/4 - Followed up with the potential lead from the Facebook Message, researched some house stuff. Had a long conversation with my mentor person about the Open House, changed my voicemail message.  Went to a friend's and picked up a few things that I ordered from Stampin' Up. That night himself and I watched "Life of Pi" and "Lincoln" ~ I enjoyed both movies quite a bit. I made lists of what to bring to the Open House.

10/5 - went to the College Class for church, grabbed some donuts and left, since the Open House started at 1pm. I called AT&T about my phone Hotspot, which they refreshed, or whatever, and it now works. The Open House was very educational. I have so much to learn. Potential leads - can't buy a house until January, not sure how often to contact, but did put them in the CRM for RE and sent out one email.

10/6 - Went to the RE Office and the "Map to Success" they have for the new agents. Made Zombie Finger Breadsticks for the Bunco that night (I was subbing).

10/7 - Office Meeting in the morning, met a friend for lunch at Chipotle, went back to the office for the tour of Procedures from the Office Administrator, who has been around for 20 years. (Which reminds me I need to do some serious thank you notes!) I deposited a check to the bank for show tickets. I wrote down in my "write everything down" notebook that I need to focus on [1] aspect of Real Estate a week to LEARN. Contracts (there are a bunch, so one week = Contracts and break it down to individual buyers, sellers, addendums, cures, etc...), Home Warranties, MLS etc.

10/8 - I started losing track of the days/dates on this day... I was supposed to go up and preview the house for the Open House tomorrow (Sunday, 10/12) - but it rained and my friend who lives up there had a hard time getting home, so I was thwarted. I don't think I left the house. But I did shower and dress as if I was. This is huge for me (!) This day was a 3 (quite bad) on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best. I broke down and had a crying jag. Just so completely overwhelmed with new career, messy house, so many things I want to accomplish. I ran out of pages in my "write everything down" notebook and well, basically Lost the Plot. I started watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix, and had a mini-fest. My brain needed the break... but this cycle needs to stop.

10/9 - Was on the phone for a while with a couple of different people - one called me for computer help, which is flattering. Another I called with a question about dues for my Tucson Chorus. Discussed branding and Message for this chorus, and how we really have to take our vibrant and fun hobby to a less-retired age group. I met another ARC friend at Starbucks and caught up on some of the goings on there...

10/10 - REBarCamp from 8 to 3 (I left earlier) - a whole day networking and going to break out sessions focused on Social Media and Technology in the field of Real Estate. Free food... goodies (pens, pads of paper, t-shirts, bags) and lots of new business cards. I have a new Facebook friend, and learned that I want to download and use Evernote. It was a good day, but I really struggle with mass networking like that. *REBarCamp - Real Estate BarCamp - BarCamp is such unhelpful name to understand what a great thing this is. "BarCamp is an international network of user-generated conferences primarily focused around technology and the web. They are open, participatory workshop-events, the content of which is provided by participants...The format has also been used for a variety of other topics, including public transit, health care, education, and political organizing. The BarCamp format has also been adapted for specific industries like banking, education, real estate and social media." (wikipedia) Himself and I went to dinner to one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow, with some friends, and had a great night. We came home and then watched Bones, then Criminal Minds. Went to bed pretty early.

Long Post!

So that is what I did. I feel like the list of what I didn't do far far supersedes anything I did. I've been tweeting more @hav2sing is my Twitter handle.

There is no wrap-up or conclusion. It is today, and I have to start a new "write everything down" notebook, put my mileage and receipts together, pay some bills, finish laundry, etc.

Another Post I Don't Feel Inspired To Write

Checking it because it has been too long. I've had a terrible time since coming back from Prescott.
Eating bad. Stopped C25K because my hips hurt. Want simple, but can't seem to just 'toss it away' - it being all the stuff.

Taking the State Real Estate exam Monday September 8th. Passed the Hogan School test a couple weeks ago, and really, I had no business passing it... now I've had two weeks to review/study and am not doing that!

15 minutes. I can do anything for 15 minutes.

*sigh*

Hopefully there will be better thoughts and writing next time.

Attachment

Father's Day, 2014
We just got back from a road trip to Oklahoma to see family there ~ and look at "The Farm" - which I'd been calling "The Property" and was corrected.  Technically, it is property (mostly pastureland) that my sister, brother and I will inherit, and at which current time there is no farming happening... so despite being told to call it 'The Farm' ~ I will continue to call it 'The Property.'

We had a great trip - road tested the new Town & Country Van (2013 Touring Edition), and took along Rascal... overnighted in Albuquerque, and spent 5 nights in Oklahoma City with my dad and step-mom, caught up with my sister and her kids, and generally had a real vacation... doing something totally different than our life here.

* * *

May was busy... new Van, quit American Red Cross, paid for Real Estate School (which begins tomorrow), emptied out the storage unit, so my room is crowded again...

* * *

I have 6 or 7 plastic bins and boxes full of pictures, negatives, journals, calendars etc... to scrapbook from the time I started collecting things about my life.  I've scrapbooked (in the traditional sense) since I knew what it was. I'm still not sure why, exactly - I would make a guess in the area of self-validation. To remember the life I've lived, and to be proud of what I've done (or not done, ha ha). To keep alive memories that may have been buried or forgotten, which I believe are worth remembering.

But my deal with myself is that if, by the end of 2014, these things are not properly scrapbooked, the bins emptied, and the journals read for the timeline and details to "tell the memory book story," then I will let it all go.

Visiting my dad's - he has bookshelves and his computer filled with pictures. Family. Genealogy-type things. It gives us a sense of where we fit in our family, I suppose...? Pride in the hard-working family stock I come from, that is for sure (and where is that in me?). Dad and I didn't have a chance to talk about his ultimate goal for the pictures... what he sees his finished (but what is really a work-in-progress project) product to look like.

I understand that I come by my love of history, family, pictures... very naturally, I see now.

The other thing I came away with from my trip was understanding something dad said about attachment.  He said something about 'being attached makes everything more difficult.' If we could detach ourselves from things (and people, even), then going through life would be much easier.

And this is all just stuff.  these bins of my life, my memories... And why do I want to spend time (precious time) putting my life into order? Who will I leave it for? I don't see anyone wanting my life's memories after I'm dead. And when I think about that, I become sad that I don't have children. Then I think about raising a child today and the political climate, the moral climate, etc... and I'm so relieved I don't have a child to protect.

And life is about now. Right? Remembering we are all connected, we are all part of the human story - regardless of any kind of religious belief or unbelief - we all share this earth, this space, this time. And I believe that building personal relationships that help each other now is more important than the past.

[Side Note: I tend to remember the negative, guilt-inducing, shameful, painful memories of my life, and the pictures/journals give me balance in restoring what delicate sense of self-esteem I have. This is a constant battle for me... keeping the good memories and the painful memories balanced... helping me stay afloat in the sea of depression that threatens to drown me, dragging me into a swirling whirlpool below the surface, where I lose the sunlight and all the colors that keep me optimistic and joyful.]

This turned out to be more post than I intended.

The bottom line: What do I want most to accomplish in this life?

Living in color * Health! * Garden (healing, eating, peaceful, life-force-giving) * Recognition for sharing the talents I've been given (Performance, Teaching) * Creativity * Relationships (spending time, giving time to people) * Building people up, assisting in bringing about Joy & Peace *

The Second Beginning...?

Have started the morning with a smoothie: Some Pomegranate & Blueberry Juice (just enough to make this concoction liquid enough to drink...), 1 large handful of frozen blueberries, 1 slice of frozen peach, 3 slices of apple, 1 scoop of protein powder and about 1/2 cup or slightly less of spinach. Not low carb, but high protein and not a boston creme donut (!) :D

 I finished eating the apple, and also have a cup of coffee with stevia, almond milk and a splash of cream.

 I think I found a diet plan that I can work with, and it starts with a green smoothie in the morning... and then you still get breakfast!  It was featured in a recent "Woman's World" issue, and the morning is when you get carbs, and then lunch & dinner is "Lean & Green." 

I've got to made a shopping list, and plan some meals (mainly making sure I make my lunch ahead of time so I'm prepared), but the idea of 'two breakfasts' appeals to me.

I had my smoothie about 30 minutes ago, and I'm still quite full. This is promising.

Sunny and Cold!

Earlier today was Sunny and Cold... my favorite! Sunny blue skies, and crispy outside air!

We hit a low of 28 F degrees last night, and tonight they're predicting 20 (!) This is very cold for SE Arizona... taps running through the night, and my little space heater in my studio going all day today.

I'm so very grateful for my little space heater, and the kettle that keeps the hot beverages coming!

I'm hacking away at my "unessential" stamps and crafting supplies.  Yes, *laugh* I understand that none of it is essential, in the actual definition of the word. But I'm de-cluttering a little at a time, and I'm feeling really good about how much I've done today.

The empty containers on the right are what I've emptied and put into plastic bags... I'm giving one of the pink/green ones to the 5 people from my work, because having something to put your things in is important. *wink!*

There are some folks at work who might appreciate 'free stuff', so I'm putting things in bags for them... then putting other stamps in a couple larger bags to take to work (and possibly other places where I know people who might be interested...) to let them go through and choose what else they might like ~ and himself has a place at his work where people bring things to get rid of.... so what I have left over will go to his work.

My goal is to get my stamps and "other crafting supplies" into one (very tall Ikea) bookshelf, and more things on the peg board. I think I'm going to have to be brutal, and say "if it doesn't fit in the bookcase, then it has to go out the door." *sniff*

The scrapbooking and memorabilia can be in in another area of the studio for the time being. I've done a lot with paring down my possessions there already, but I have more to do.  Mainly - get 'er done! Get the years of stuff I've collected into albums.

I look on the shelves and my original "Keep 5 sets plus music and celtic stamps" statement was optimistic.  When you see what I'm getting rid of, it is far more than what I'm keeping... but still - I'm keeping at least 19 known "sets" plus 15 containers of 'Other' Stamps. So, I still have quite the stash.

I'm not quite finished organizing the final "homes" for the stamps... and almost all have labels, though not all the labels are visible... that will change today! I ♥ labelling!!

I've decreased the amount of embossing powders, and still have the ink pads to go through.  I'll probably be keeping all but the oldest ink pads & pens. (Some of the Stampin' Up ink pads are from 1993!!)

The paper is another issue... I'm mostly keeping white and neutral (beige-family colors) cardstock for card bases.  I have quite a bit 8-1/2 X 11 scrapbooking paper, which can be used for cards.  I made the mistake a long time ago not getting ready of any paper than isn't "acid free" -- as it would be fine for cards. But I don't do cards enough to justify the space all the paper takes up.

I want to have my "stamping and crafting" table empty by the end of today. This is a "During" Photo:

I actually made some space on the surface before taking the picture...

As I sit here and contemplate all the "Stuff" that it takes to craft, I'm torn. I've spent most of the day whittling down this stuff, and not spent any time at all on music.  And I say music is my passion. Music is certainly my gift, and performing ~ well, there is nothing like it in the world.

I'm not sure I have the words to express what I'm not exactly sure I'm feeling at the moment.

Sleep

I love sleep. But it eludes me. Went to be early - woke up at 1am... finally got up at 2:55 am.  Surfing the 'net... cried some. Sifting through priorities and what is important. Gah!

So I'll post the photos from Photo-A-Day Challenge:

Day 5 ~ "Movement"

Rascal jumping up for a treat!

Day 6 ~ "Mine"

My "Likes" ~ scrapbooking (pages open to performing... Musical Theatre
"Quilters" and performing with my barbershop quartet), Music quotes,
Music fabric, Natural Health & Healing book, book about God and finding Faith, Self-help (combating negative thinking), Modge Podge (crafts), card-making (music-themed stamps and a hand-made 'thank you' card), orange & pink sparkly items, dog cookies, black & white journal, Fun & Funky Lava Lamp, reminder that we are the sum of our experiences... all that we have done leads us up to today.

* * *

Thankful
I'm thankful for a warm bed.
* * *

Action
Didn't do much action today. Lots of taking in information, but not acting on it. Which leads to the tears. I did read more "Running for Mortals" before going to sleep.

I also started reading about why I feel so compelled to find and make a living at my passion.
* * *

Decrease
Didn't decrease anything yesterday. Not good. Want to keep to a schedule/routine with this... to continuously act on the de-cluttering/simplifying process. Though, it is a process, and putting pressure on myself to get it done as fast as possible only causes more paralyzing un-action. Ease up.
* * *

I was reading Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" today - really like her stuff -- and her simple but insightful advice that got me thinking was, "Do what you do."

It goes with the thought that not everyone finds enjoyable what I find enjoyable... build on that. Knowing ourselves is key to focusing on our passion.

At the same time, I know that getting outside ourselves is also key to bringing joy to our own lives. Doing something for someone else is the fastest way to lift depression. Again with that word: Action.

Accountability & De-Toxing

Have to get back to blogging regularly & tracking my food.  I was up 6 lbs from last Medifast Weigh in this last week -- and while there were legitimate reasons to be up (after eating my main meal, hot and water-retaining weather), there is absolutely no denying that I went off the wagon and have not seriously attempted to get back on.

So, I started the Medfiast De-tox today... My friend has done it twice since she started (she began MF in January this year) and loves it.  I'm quite head-achey and didn't sleep well, and left work after an hour and a 1/2 because I felt so sick.... I woke up at 3:30 am and only fell back asleep around 5am, to get up at 5:30. My head ached, my stomach felt sick, and I had no concentration.

The paperwork they give you at the Center is kind of confusing -- not easy to know exactly what I'm supposed to do, or when -- and after the strictness of the 5-and-1 Weight Loss so-very-well-laid-out-for-you information, I'm a little frustrated. 

There's some new faces at my Weight Loss Center, and D did a really great job of outlining the papers that I need to pay the most attention to...There are Detox supplements that I'm supposed to take twice a day -- along with the regular regular vitamins... then I'm allowed vegetables, fruit and whole grains (Hallelujah!), 3 to 4 servings a day -- NO Dairy (eggs, cheese, milk, etc), Meat, Poultry, Fish/Seafood, Salt, Sugar, Caffeine (can wean off caffeine for these first 2 days, so had some green tea today), Alcohol, Unbleached White Flour.  No nuts or peanut butter, either. bummer.

Distilled water... and day 3 & 4 are lemon juice and maple syrup liquid-only days. 

Today I started out with 3/4 cup of Kashi Go-Lean Cinammon cereal (YUM!), I think about a cup of Almond Milk (which I'm not sure where that counts in the Veggie, Fruit, Whole Grain line up), 1/2-cup of blue berries... and about 5 strawberries.  YUM YUM YUMMY!! I've not (legally) had fruit for over 18 months.  I did have about 6 delicious fruit-stand-in-Gilroy strawberries on a day the first week June on the road trip with mom -- but that was the first time I'd 'cheated' with fruit, so having fruit is wonderful... and what a fabulous time of year to start!  It took all my supplements, but forgot I was supposed to be drinking distilled water -- so had my normal water with vitamin C crystals (probably around 20 oz before leaving the house).

At work, I had one packet of MF crackers (1/2 a whole grain), to see if that would settle my stomach... I fixed myself water with green pomegranate tea and Vitamin C crystals... and really was missing my coffee! Eating didn't help -- I was miserable.

On the way home I ate a few more blue berries, and another serving of the Kashi cereal, which I'd taken to work for a snack.  And then I started to feel slightly indigestion-ey... the cereal is the culprit, I'm pretty sure...

I was home by 9am, and slept until 1:30 pm -- still headachey, but not the weird stomach feeling, which was good.  I had 7 more strawberries, 2 packets of the MF Soy bites (1 whole grain serving), a small low-sodium V-8 (1/2 veggie serving), 1 cup of celery (1/2 a veggie serving), and 1 cup of green grapes (1 fruit serving).  I then cooked a cup of brown rice in the steamer, and served up 1 cup on a small plate -- and 1 cup of brown rice is HUGE... so I've been nibbling on that all afternoon.

It is 6:25pm, and I only have 2 veggies and a fruit left for the day -- and the rest of the brown rice.

I was given two food diaries... one is the normal MF one, and one is for the detox.

I hate being unsure of things.  Which is an issue outside of the realm of food -- most of life is unsure... no wonder I'm anxiou and frustrated. meh.
* * *

Back to blogging.
It feels good, and I've missed it.
* * *

In case you're wondering. Yes, I'm hungry.  But I'm supposed to lose between 5 and 8 pounds on the de-tox... so watch this space.  I think this will get me back to seeing the numbers go down, which will help keep me motivated to stay AWAY from the dark chocolate covered almonds. Regardless that a serving is only 18 carbs... who eats just 9?  People who are not mindless eaters, that's who.

Happy Easter 2012

I came on to write a blog post about an hour and a half ago... between writing down visualizations, checking out Pinterest, a few things on the yahoo site, buying a scarf and glowing solar flower garden stake -- I finally made it to write the blog -- now if only to remember what I was going to write about (!)

Now I have a headache from surfing the net, and...

wow. focus is tough.

What a week last week was -- so glad this is the start of a new week.

It started Sunday when I spent about 3 hours pulling weeds and picking up the dog poop -- and trimming branches from the tree... I knew I'd be hurting -- but have NEVER hurt as much as I have this past week. I'm still aching when I put my socks and shoes on... owwww! All week long I was moaning and groaning when I had to get up and walk anywhere. Funny had I not been in so much pain. But its funny now :-)

Found out Tuesday that someone fraudulently filed a tax return in my name - in New Hampshire - in February. And they got back a little over $5,000 (!). Nothing else, thankfully, is going on with the ID Theft -- no credit cards issued, or unusual activity on our credit cards... but I was a bit shaken up. What a headache. And filing next year will be even more of a headache. Not ever funny.

Wednesday I was locked out of my house for a while - not a big big deal, but I realized I shouldn't leave my purse and keys and, well, EVERYTHING in the other room that can be locked with no way to get to if I don't know where the spare keys are. This is funny now - not at 5:45 am when I realized I was locked out.  But it did give me a morning to get stuff done, which was nice.

Thursday I lost my gas cap - and well, I don't want to be negative, but the idiot girl who worked at the QT wouldn't give it back to me when I went by at 11pm at night asking if perhaps someone had turned it in around 4pm that afternoon, as that was the last place I'd seen it. 

Really...? Is there a rash of thieves going around taking random gas caps that they don't even know might be there in the back office of convenience stores?

But I got it back. This is funny.

I was up 2 lbs at Medifast on Thursday night. So not funny.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'd had over 20 pieces of chocolate (Easter) candy.
And I did the same thing yesterday at work.
But it is all gone now, so just don't buy any more. Much easier to resist it in the store than in the work drawer.
* * *

Watched Forks Over Knives last night.

I've thought for over 20 years that being a vegetarian is right for me... don't get me wrong, I love meat (and the smell of bacon being cooked right now is wonderful!) -- and eggs, and cheese, and all the things associated with animal foods. But on some level I've always thought a plant-food diet should be the way *I* eat.

Maybe I haven't been strong enough to stand up to nay-sayers... or maybe I didn't want to have to really work hard at making difficult choices... or making decisions about going out with friends and social occasions in general more difficult (choosing a restaurant becomes much more difficult, let alone going to a church potluck).

This year on Medifast, however, I've been pretty much taking my own food with me most places, and it goes well. I bought "The China Study" book about 5 or 6 years ago, and while it has a lot of boring 'results of the study' graphs and charts - the bottom line is that eating plants is healthier. I then did some more online reading and read a lot of 'other side' arguments, and put the book away. And went back to "balance in all things" kind of thinking, and put it out of my mind. T Collin Campbell is co-author of the The China Study, and is one of the two main Doctors who are featured in the Forks Over Knives documentary.

Seeing the people in the video physically change and proclaim the health benefits... well, it just put the last weight on the balance scale in favor of going to a plant-way of eating. Which means no animal by-products (i.e., dairy). The cholesterol numbers were compelling -- not to mention the woman who doesn't have to take medication for diabetes anymore... and she works at a diabetic center, where no methods of medication had changed her health.... (!?!?!?!?!) But I think it was 6 weeks on the plant-based diet that had her off her diabetes medication(s).

Of course, last night himself went out and bought milk, and for me and my coffee some cream... and there is butter in the house... and I had some cottage cheese for dinner... so this will be huge change that will happen gradually. I plan/hope that it will get me back interested in cooking real food for my Lean & Green... and I'm looking on the non-meat protein sources on the MF charts, which means "Tofu - here I come!"

It comes down to where I want to spend my time and effort(s).
Choice.

Day 1 of Restart -- Sept 1 is goal date for Goal Weight

I'm just sayin'.

Time to stop dilly dallying around.

MF Scale = 240.8 today.  Makes my loss 97 lbs.  Phlsdplthmpthss! (that's a strawberry, in case you needed a translation).

I bought more shakes - and I plan to have 3 shakes a day, plus a soup and a bar -- my extra's will be cream in my coffee, and a measured amount of almond butter and celery.  I may even go back to pickles!

And a plan to work out my arms.  They're ick.

Freedom in Obedience... when I know the rules, I don't have to worry about choices. 

Heading to bed now. REALLY need to make getting up EVERY DAY at 5am a priority.

every. day.

In The Pit

Feelings flying and flailing... beware of fallout.

Overwhelmed. Eating too many dark chocolate covered Almonds. The scale is up.

Emotions take over and render me almost helpless. Totally sucks.

Talking about it doesn't really help. Crying helps a little... this roller coaster ride of life... just get tired of the downturns.  Miss my family. And I'm not that far away, but I wish I saw more of them. Mom. Dad. cousins. I miss the ocean. I miss not going to Pepperdine for lectures this year.

Sometimes being a grownup really really sucks.

and the foot of the spoiled little girl stamps up and down but changes nothing.

I can feel the bones in my knees...

... and in my shoulders.

And Yes, I can see my collar bones. This is really, really cool.

I'm still REALLY struggling with the next 48 lbs and the journey that will take me on.

I have a feeling it is gonna be tough.  But I can do it.

Today was a crap day at work.  I love my team, and enjoy working with the people I work with on a daily basis. But the frustration of bureaucracy is getting worse incrementally... and I don't have a healthy way to deal with stress, really.

Gotta get my walk on.

Mid-February Re-Start

I was up 3 lbs at Medifast yesterday. Knew it would be bad.

No surprise... though this past Monday I saw a new (low) number on my home scale... I then went out and bought "treats" for my team at work = Butterfinger hearts and Dark Chocolate Dove hearts... and well, they got a few of the Butterfinger hearts.

I also inhaled a tin of semi-deluxe nuts (less than 50% peanut mix) in a couple of days... and combine high salt with not enough water... having a sugar binge - all that equaled the 3 lb gain. Well, I have to say it stops today.

Yesterday, driving home -- I bought roasted almonds and bag of Lindt's Chocolate truffles - which are my favorite.  3 truffles = 15 carbs... but of course I didn't limit myself to only 3.  I just called the day a loss and rather than go have a couple of slices of pizza... or some salsa & chips... I enjoyed the sugar; then crashed.
* * *

Last night I once again was thinking about what kind of life is what I want to live
[my mind is racing right now and it is a bit difficult to be coherent when so many thoughts are competing to be first... just a warning that the following may or may not make sense.]
and I had the thought that I need to be a grown up.

(I think) a lot of what I'm struggling with is my inner child not wanting to give up anything. (scrapbooking, memorabilia, stamping, crafting, projects, sewing, Martha Stewart-esque plans for my home and life)

I don't want to have to make a choice. I want it all.

And it isn't the first time I've had the thought, but it is the first time I've had it so incredibly internal -- not just like I was looking at the thought and understanding the concept intellectually and saying, "I see... interesting and quite true..." as if from afar... like an objective counselor talking with a counselee... but rather -- having it come from a bubbling place inside of me. Without Resentment. It was with Acceptance.

HUGE!

Can we hear a big WOOT!!!???!!!

* * *

What I want is changing... and the letting go of past dreams in order to create and make real the new ones I think puts me in a place of mourning.  Mourning the death of past dreams, which I'm still (very much so) attached to, and love dearly; and if there was enough time in the day I still totally want to do (!) But the reality of needing to make some difficult choices creeps in more and more each day, and I'm still in the process of trying to get clear on what it is I want my (our) life to look like.

1. Health & Fitness -- (still looking to add another 30 minutes of walking a week, and two or three days of resistance fitness activity)
2. Home & Husband -- Simplifying. Clearing the stuff. Cooking healthier. Planning time together. Growing a Kitchen Garden. Having a herb garden.
3. Job/Career -- still working on how to want this as a higher priority in reality
4. Family & Relationships (has moved up the priority list) -- taking a balance of time off between family and chorus/quartet events. Keeping a few meaningful card-making supplies for creating a few meaningful projects.
5. Quartet -- Be a member of Club 21 (means winning a regional contest and a shot at competing at International)
6. Chorus -- Be a member of a Top 10 Chorus.

To accomplish even a simplified list of things: my main goal is to go to bed earlier (by 10:30 at the latest) and getting up at a regular time (5:30 at the latest). Watching less mindless television.

So I've been trying to think of things that will actually get me excited to get up in the morning put together a list of things to think about before I fall asleep that I will remember in the morning so I'll actually get up... and be productive... some reasons to get up consistently at 5am.

I struggle with being specific in this area.  Having a list of housework that I need to accomplish isn't doing the trick. Surprise. Not.

Doing music is one of them... but in order for me to get up, start the kettle for coffee/tea and actually come in and be productive - I need the space to work (which is definitely NOT something I have around me at the moment) and some outlined goals on which to focus.
* * *


And I have to express my extreme sadness and grief of the too early death of one of Pop Music's greatest voices. Whitney Houston died yesterday at age 48 -- details about it I haven't seen yet, but I would guess that her later drug use and addiction came from a place of trying to escape the pressure and expectation that a needy (greedy) business demanded.  And from what sounds like a tormenting love relationship.

What a gift she was blessed with, such a tragic, tragic end to her life. My prayers are with her family :(
* * *

I'm so blessed... and incredibly thankful. Thank You.
* * *
eta:
PS -- is is 02-12-2012.  Cool. Thanks Ben

February 1, 2012

A Dining Table can help re-establish (save? rescue?) a relationship.

Eating a meal together... home cooked & tasty real food... no tv.... no couch eating... making plans and discussing the day.

Better.

Weight Loss: eh.

Emotional State: Better

Physical State: getting over being sick (off work 2 days) - missed fabulous coaching session for chorus


* * *
30 Minutes working together on the house.
Not working together at the same time... but as a team separately. Common Goal = to have friends over and have fun movie and game nights. Clear surfaces. Which requires a place for guests to sit. Cleanliness is key here. Lack of Stuff, also important. Working inside and outside on the space we share together.

I feel like such a grownup.

finally.
* * *
Less Stuff. Downsize. Donate. I'm not as bad as the tv show, but honestly,  it wouldn't be that far for me to cross over. Why do I have such a difficult time letting go? Such a weird thing - holding on to the past... saving for 'one day' or 'it may come in handy' -- and until that time just keeping everything stuck.

Two empty coffee jars have been sitting on the counter next to the sink for a couple weeks. They're great sized, nothing printed or bumpy on the outside... would be great for a craft project - or for holding ... something (I can't even think of anything at this moment - but I *know* they'd be good for SOMETHING). Himself took our dinner plates to the counter, and we were talking about clearing and letting go, and I said it was okay to recycle those two empty jars.

It pained me to see him put them in the recycling bin. PAINED ME. Physically affected me.

What IS this? How did I get here? What thought process and pattern brought me to this weird place where letting go and getting rid of things is so incredibly difficult? What am I afraid of?
* * *

Random... lots of drama in other areas of life, nothing major... just time consuming. Every day needs to be a day to re-focus. Re-energize. Re-commit.

Peace. Gratitude. Breathe.

Day 368 -- up 3 lbs

Listen to your instinct. Go with your gut.

What it that changes too fast to keep up with?
* * *

In a down period right now... always coincides with the new year.  Feeling a bit bored... restless... need something to look forward to...

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Happy Faces Pretending... All the While Attacking Ourselves with Words We'd Never Dream of Saying to Anyone Else...

Love this from Ellen over at "Fat Girl Wearing Thing" about 'Ditch the Weight; Lose the Hate' challenge 2012.

She says this...

Have you ever noticed that the tools needed to repair ourselves on the outside are plentiful and readily available?  They come in the form of diets, exercise equipment, menu plans, gyms, diet aids, gadgets, specialized shoes and clothing – you name it.  We can’t hide our weight from others and that too becomes a motivator.  But feelings of regret, hopelessness, fear, humiliation, anger, self ridicule and belittlement are so much easier to hide; to pretend they don’t exist.  The tools we need to fix those areas of our lives aren’t so readily available.  So, we put on happy faces and pretend that we don’t mentally and emotionally attack ourselves with words we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. 

I put in red the part that really really called me out. So many things going through my mind right now about the close of another year... another great post from Ellen is about Reflecting on the past year and seeing what we have achieved.  Yes, I've lost 100 lbs. I am not done, but right now am acting as if I were... what the hell? And when I look at these reflection questions and answers, I just feel like I'm not enough... there's so much more to do and to improve upon. And the overwhelm begins. And the 'why bother?' creeps in, and I've not even noticed it until there's a big, cold draft in my supposedly safe and warm and loving spirit.

We all have to find our own way... we ask others, we consult, we research.  We ponder, we discuss, we have coffee and perhaps even some chocolate. We feel guilty, we feel success... often I feel those in the same instant. We vent. We Try... we might fail - sometimes we prosper. We grow... or at least we think we are growing. We hope perhaps *this* will help... or maybe *that* -- a new calendar, a new motivational statement... a new mantra... a new friend...but it is only when I realize that I. am. enough. that the spiralling self-destructive thought pattern is disrupted.

I believe in God. A Creator - who created me exactly as I am meant to be. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to improve on - that is part of the challenge (and what I believe to be part of the meaning) of life. I have so much trouble remembering on a daily, constant basis that part of the journey is making mistakes, and accepting yourself anyway; falling down, and getting up again; learning the hard way, and yet still forgiving yourself.

All so much easier said (and written) than done (and lived). I have to keep reminding myself that I Am Enough.
I am good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Friendly enough. Loving enough. Thoughtful enough. Detached enough. Emotional enough. Disciplined enough. Tough enough. Soft enough. Opinionated enough. Self-reliant enough. Savvy enough. Humble enough. Intelligent enough. Reading enough. Watching enough. Thankful enough. Inspired enough. Planning enough. Sleeping enough (ha ha!). Aware enough. Eating enough. Exercising enough. Thinking enough. Writing enough. Daydreaming enough. Walking enough. Cooking enough. Cleaning enough. Singing enough. Praying enough (never enough of this, I'm afraid). Grateful enough.

Enough starts to look misspelled after awhile.

Enough.

Enough is enough.

Day 292 (Eeek -- How is it almost Halloween?)

240.0 This morning.  4 lbs away on the Medifast Scale from 100 pounds lost.  (Started this journey at 338).

A bit disappointed that I'm hovering around this number for so long. BUT... my love for TJ's Almond Butter with Roasted Flax Seeds and the realization that I'm an abstainer (keep reading)... have contributed, among other regular life things, to being in this holding pattern.

On being an Abstainer (vs. a Moderator) -- Samuel Johnson said:

"Abstinence is as easy to me, as temperance would be difficult."

How I came to this realization: I brought chocolate in for my team at work -- we were having a tough month  [plug here: Please Give Blood... and if you can't, please encourage those who can to do it....], and so for every appointment for a blood donation, they could have a small piece of chocolate. The Halloween candy had just come out, so it was easy to find bite-sized treats.  I was fine resisting until I started on the Dove Dark Chocolate.  Then I had a couple of the bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, then the chocolate kisses.  The final straw came when I bought a bag of Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store, as a final test to see if I could just have the serving size (28 carbs) and leave the rest alone. And at the end of the day the entire bag was gone.  No, it wasn't a huge bag - it was the $1 store... but I've learned, without a doubt, that in these things it is easier for me to say NO altogether, than to be okay with just a few. In other words - this is why I have to say I'm an Abstainer, as I'm not moderate about much in my life... especially food.

Eating out in restaurants... sharing desserts is okay because once it is gone, it is gone -- and 2 or more people have helped. For me to order my own and only eat a few bites, or only eat half of it -- nope, not so much.

The Happiness Project blog is what brought this to my attention, and I'm for sure an "All Er Nuthin'" Girl! Which kills me... because I firmly believe that balance and moderation makes for an easier, fulfilling life... but apparently not for me. And I know I'm not alone... and what a bummer that I struggle with that 'never enough' issue. I'm sure there are some wonderfully deep psychological reasons for it... and perhaps as I continue on this journey this aspect of my personality will change.  In the meantime, limiting my access to 'off plan' food is the only strategy that will work to keep losing
* * *

I took days off this week to clear stuff out of my room... and to listen to the Sweet Adelines International Webcast of International Contest in Houston, Texas that is happening this week.  What a wonderful thing this technology we have (I truly have a love/hate relationship with technology...)

It is such an emotional thing to get rid of stuff. I love George Carlin's comedy routine about stuff -- so true.  I've been collecting books and articles on questions to ask when trying to decide what should go and what should stay.  The most helpful hint I've seen is "If I agonize for too long --> THROW IT OUT!! Don't make the decision whether to toss or keep a difficult one!"  This one helps as I start going through stuff.

December will be my last senior citizen craft class -- I'll give them my ideas for future craft projects, and anything that I may have that I haven't already donated.  I'm sad, but it is also a relief.  Part of discovering who I am again (now that layers of extra weight are gone), is continuing to ask myself what it is I want.  And the answer is always the same - music. My emotions are so strong about music and singing and what I want to be able to do... more on that later.

I've taken a small load of craft supplies to church... and my goal is to get pretty close to having all my scrapbooking supplies fit into one bag - and one bag for the album and pages. My cousin-by-marriage has reduced her scrapping stuff to this, and it just makes so much sense.  Harder will be getting rid of memorabilia I've been saving....  It was more important when I was living in Scotland to scrap. And as I've lost weight I realize that I was scrapping to re-live good times, that it was a way to validate myself and keep my emotions 'up' with the good memories.  I'm living a little more in the now, I think.

I do plan to keep on making cards and stamping...and there is a big cross-over in the supplies that it takes for that and scrapbooking... so it won't all go away (!)
* * *

I need to get back to regular posting... it helps me.  And pictures (though not much has changed in the last month).  I did finally make some muffins from the Medifast pancakes and different muffins from the eggs, shakes, & oatmeal... it has been a nice change to have "toast" with a bit of butter!

This is a weird, disjointed post -- I need some time away from the computer now, so it is what it is. :-)

Day 236 ~ Scattered

Not 6 lbs away from 100 (math... grrr....) 12 lbs away.

And this morning I'm up on the scale, so who knows how far away I am from losing 100 lbs at this moment. I actually measured my lean and green last night - which I've not done in awhile... I did have an extra MF bar, however.

My walking buddy called this morning and she hadn't slept well, so wasn't going to make it.  So I'm finishing laundry, I went to the grocery store to get celery, cream for my coffee, eyeliner, and more La Croix water (this blogger writes with passion about how awesome this product is!!) - which I found in Cran-raspberry flavor... can't wait to try it!

I've taken out the garbage, taken the recycling to the curb, and made morning coffee for himself and me.  I'm planning on getting in the shower around 7:30 am, and was going to mindlessly surf on facebook, but decided I had time for a blog post.

I'm feeling stretched thin, and losing focus on making what I'm doing on Medifast fun.  I've stopped trying new recipes, I'm not reading the blogs as much, or checking in at the forums.  I'm trying to add another day of exercise in my week - which I did last week, and this week I'll now have to do tomorrow and Saturday.

I'm sporadic with my habits, and I know better! Which makes it so much worse. I think "just this morning" I'll skip my two glasses of water and vitamins... or my 15 minutes of dishes... or swishing and wiping the bathroom ~ and it leads to chaos (can't have anyone over syndrome) as well as boredom and complacency with my eating.  I don't want to be complacent... or bored. I'm kind of in an emotional slump, and lacking motivation and inspiration.

The definition of being a grown up is what we do every day. Every. Day. routines (a la Flylady). 

Priorities In Order: 

• health & fitness;  
• home & husband;  
• work/career;  
• quartet; 
• family/relationships;  
• chorus 

- with God over all as the guiding truth behind decisions... but I allow my mood to dictate my actions.  How true I have found the following quote ~

“Discipline is obeying the rule you set when you were in a different mood than you are now.” - Seth Godin

Answer? Just keep going... don't give up... every day is a new day... be grateful for where I am, and trust that where I am right now is where I need to be. Start using my 15 minute timer... and STOP when it goes off, and move on to the next task!

Day 232

[Interesting side note: I'm very close to the number of days on Medifast equaling the number of pounds I currently weigh. Cool Huh?]

I'm 6 lbs away from being able to say "I've lost 100 pounds!!!" with a big HUGE happy grin on my face.

And then... when I sit with it for awhile, the enormity of this milestone overwhelms me.

How did I get to a point in my life where I needed to lose over 100 lbs?

I went to a Montessori pre-school, and I remember one of the teachers (I used to remember his name) was big on taking responsibility.  The toys in his classroom were in much nicer condition, the books were not colored or scribbled in, and the kids there seemed more mature somehow (yes, things I noticed at age 3 and/or 4). I got to his class eventually... it felt as if it was a reward, a recognition of something, once you were able to be in his class. Responsibility seems to be something with which I struggle. A lot. Constantly.

As an only child, I was responsible. There wasn't anyone else to blame if something was wrong, or broken. 

Until 2007, in my work life, I absolutely refused to take on any kind of job or career that involved too much responsibility. Perhaps I was so busy feeling responsible for things that were, in reality, beyond actually being my responsibility... that this could be one reason why I stayed in jobs that required less.

Combine this with perfectionism... and that produced a lot of stuffed down resentment and anger at things...  pile on a serious People Pleasing drive ~ wanting (needing?) everyone to like me...

Then throw this ingredient into this emotional stew: I didn't say what I wanted (half the time because I didn't really know), and buried those "ugly" feelings that might cause people be get upset [can we say control issues?].

And the final little ingredient, a spice, really... I avoid confrontation. 

Eating what I wanted, whenever I wanted to eat it... that became a way to rebel, I think. Rebel against all the "good" and "nice" I was being on the outside, not having enough courage to stand up for myself verbally, and caring WAY too much about what other people were thinking of me.

I'm glad I'm coming out the other side... it sure feels a helluva lot better!!