The Hike

 

I understand the meme. A patient seeker will be satisfied in due time; patience is a virtue. Nothing worth waiting for happens fast. All (good) things come to those who/that wait. The reward comes after the struggle. When we are persistent and patient (and consistent) we will be rewarded and achieve our goal(s). When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

But what happens when we hike a difficult road, only to find ourselves back at the same point from where we started?

For me, destination is 'somewhere new.' 

Merriam-Webster has this to say about destination ~

    :the purpose for which something is predetermined or destined

    :an act of appointing, setting aside for a purpose, or predetermining

    :a place to which one is journeying or to which something is sent

    :a place worthy of travel or an extended visit

* * *

I have a Girl Scout Camp memory of an All Day Hike.

It's important to know... I don't like Hiking. Detest Hill Walking (as it's called by some in Scotland). Loathe. Despise. You get the picture.

At least, I hated Girl Scout hikes for the most part - maybe that's a subject for another rambling rant of a post... for this post, let's just suffice to say how much I abhor Hiking ALL DAY LONG and ending up where I started. 

EXACTLY

THE 

SAME

PLACE

FROM

WHICH

WE

STARTED!

I had two different Girl Scout Camp experiences - Hidden Falls and Skylark. I think the Hiking I hated was at Skylark. One good memory, I think the only good memory from that camp experience is that I received mail (one of the lucky ones) from Nana, my paternal grandmother who died when I was 8. The other memories of that time are miserable.

This was an extremely traumatic week (?) or couple of weeks for me.

The Hike that I appreciated was hiking to the beach, spending the night there (campfire and sand in our food, the whole nine yards) then hiking back to our camp... where we had tents with wooden floors, and squeaky springs in the beds to hold our sleeping bags up off the ground.

The Hike that I was disgusted with was the hike where we started out, walked ALL FREAKING DAY and ended up RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED. What was the point? The journey? okay. Nature. fine. But I don't remember anything significant on that hike except that we didn't GO anywhere - we didn't arrive somewhere new. We just walked in a big circle and there was no reward but the wasted time of walking around for itself.

Inefficient. Wasted Energy. It was the kind of hike where it was difficult in spots, scary for me... climbing up steep paths and trying not to fall as you make your way down slippery rocks and pebbles. I had no friends before I went - I just was "sent off to camp" by myself. 

I remember being dropped off in the morning, the bus and that there was one girl I knew, Stephanie, who was a brat, who was also going. I don't seem to remember where I knew her from... but she had some Cheetos and when she offered me one, and I said yes, she threw it on the ground and said, 'there it is' - or something like that. I don't remember if I picked it up and ate it, or just left it there. Knowing me, I probably picked it up and ate it. We ended up being in the same tent and it was a pretty long hike to the latrine/outhouse - treacherous at night and you needed your flashlight. There was some trauma associated with that, too.

I'm kinda smirking-laughing at myself because we do this to ourselves - in life. I fail to learn, grasp a new concept, change my habit or thinking and end up at exactly the same place. Huh. Maybe this early life experience was meant to show me something along these lines.

* * *

Girl Scout Camp... those hazy memories aren't great. My experience at Hidden Falls was slightly better. I was older, I'd been to camp before, I met a friend. But it was still rough.

*This post was started in April 0f 2018. I'm publishing it today, 6/22/2022. I still hate hiking.

Challenged

I just had a short but good (sometimes hard) visit with my family in a different state. My nephew graduated high school (as a state National Honor Society and school NHS member!) and so the family gathered. He has a scholarship to a local university and while he doesn't (yet?) or hasn't (yet?) shown a real passion for a particular path - he plans to study science and music. We are proud of him, and I'm eager to see what path he ultimately will walk.

My niece, his older sister, is "doing it." What I mean by that is she had a vision, an idea and a goal to grow organic vegetables (tomatoes, to be specific) 'off season' and be able to provide these veggies by selling them at her stall at a Farmer's Market. And I'm so incredibly proud that she is DOING IT!

She is young, she is doing it her way, she's learning a lot of things and has had tons and tons of family support! She has an uncle who is a Regenerative Farming expert and who has, I suspect, been instrumental in her success thus far. I'm so proud and happy for her!! 22 Years Old! Go Sarah!!

All that to say... I come today to write about a conversation (and a challenge) I had with my father, who I've always seen and experienced as insightful, wise, stern and loving, that has been playing on my heart, and messing up my mind. I love my dad immensely. I admire him. ♥ I love him whole-heartedly for who he is and who I am because of him. He has impacted my life significantly.

Last year, for his 80th birthday, my brother gave him the gift of writing His Own Story. I'm not sure exactly the format - but my understanding is that dad is supposed to write the story of himself and when finished, the company that my brother purchased this gift from will then edit and format it so it can be published.

I asked my dad how that project of writing his own story was coming along.

I knew better than to expect a black or white response. But hope springs eternal, right? *wink wink*

I knew the answer I would receive wouldn't be "fine" or "great" or even "not so hot." It wouldn't be laconic or concise. It would start a conversation, and I frequently enjoy our conversations!

Our discussion traversed many roads, side tracks, squirrels and shiny objects. He challenged me that if I am really interested in what his story is, that I would invest my time in writing my own story to add to his. That I would put together my thoughts on the significance of the people, his people, in my life that I only had because of him (meaning his family) and add to "The Story." *in my head I am arguing the validity of his statement that adding my story to his is the only way to show my interest.

As expected, I didn't get a definitive answer. And that's okay. I know he has put together 50+ pages of his maternal family's history with pictures. I know he's been using ancestry websites (the free ones). I know he struggles with the variety of aspects of perspectives he can write from - so many choices! 

Does he write from his experiences as a father?
As a recovering alcoholic?
Does he just relay the facts like a timeline, without the 'whys and wherefores' that led to the decisions and choices he made?
Does he then share the outcomes that were the result of these choices? 

I said something about focusing on one tree, rather than the forest. 

When I said that, I smiled and admitted that I share his tendencies. I am definitely my father's daughter in that I overthink, want things to be perfect (perfectionism leads to procrastination), live in my head a lot, don't speak or think or write in bullet points, enjoy analyzing people and contemplating "how and why we are who we are and what makes us that way?" I too want to help others to be the best self they can be, and have incredibly high standards and expectations of myself and others.

There is a lot to unpack from our one-hour conversation... lots of stuff! My dad is, and I think has always been, looking for meaning. Significance. Instead of asking at the dinner table to each of his children, "what'd you learn in school today?" or "How was school?" ~ he'd ask, "What was the most significant thing that happened to you today?"

For me, answering "what is the most" kinds of questions is agony. I have trouble prioritizing. Which is something he brought up to me in the context of goals. My heart was slightly bruised by the judgement I heard when he said to me that he's heard me say hundreds of times "One of my goals is ..." Which led to him to telling me that Focus is the recipe for success*. My reply to his telling me that my life is living proof of what unfocused looks like, was that he was 'talking to the Carrie of 20 years ago.' He asked me what changed and I said, "Acceptance. Self-acceptance."

He was quiet, then shifted the conversation to more advice, that he believes all of his children would benefit from Al-Anon, despite the fact that I didn't live with him/them full time.

*Where's my "Atta-girl!"? Acceptance of Myself has been "the thing" we've probably talked about the most and he's encouraged me and inspired me and loved me through. 

But because I'm not around as often, and probably don't call as much as I think about calling, want to call and/or should call... he only sees my life and growth in the slices of time he's given.

I'm frustrated. Frustrated when he told me that I "wouldn't be interested in reading anything about" his life. Frustrated that he thinks it is egotistical to think that anyone would be interested in knowing more about his life.

Frustrated with myself that I haven't written (blogged) regularly on Wednesdays like I promised myself I would. A long while ago!

Frustrated that he doesn't think his life is worth writing down and sharing with us.

Frustrated that I can't help.

Frustrated that I believe I understand as much as I do about where his thinking has got him in this project and why he's stuck. *rueful laugh

No, I'm not 80 and don't understand  a l l  of it, obviously. 

At the heart of this conversation (and really, most of our conversations over the weekend) was his deep belief, conviction, really ~ that the world revolves around me. The universal ME. 

By that I mean: All of our lives, our experiences, our perspectives... it's always going to revolve around me. Me as the individual - that our human kind experience is self-centered, how everything we do and how we make decisions and choices comes down to self. You do what You do for You. I do what I do for Me. She does what She does for Herself. They do what They do for Themself (wow, that's not confusing just a bit).

I'm frustrated that I didn't remember to say to him the performer's motto ~ Think Of Your Audience. For performing artists we have to remember to take ourselves out of the equation and think of who we are sharing with, who is our audience; for whom are we performing? While it is true in my own experience that I love performing... sure for others but really I do it for me... I also know that the most significant (there's that word again) experiences for audience-members happen when the person - the self - of the performer is lost in the character, the music or the song.

And this is just the beginning of the unpacking. There's so much I left out of this first writing that transpired in our exchange. It's a process. This writing thing. There's a lot of unfinished thoughts here. Incomplete conclusions, perhaps a bit muddy. Ha! They're a bit cloudy for me, too! It leaves room for future posts, future conclusions, future stories.

Luckily, my van, suitcases and bags are unpacked (lol!).

*success. Each of us is going to define that differently. Oh goodie. Another topic :-).

And for what it's worth: I see lots of goals as optimistic. Forward-looking. Hopeful. And it's okay if some of them fall away. As we change, our goals will change. Go with it. Or better still... GROW with it! Letting go of old ideas can be painful. Hard. Really Hard. But having bright and shiny new ideas and thoughts and goals... well, that helps me keep my sunny side up!

Fear & Less

Fear of Loss.

Loss of Health. Loss of Family. Loss of Friends. Loss of Love. Loss of Time. Loss of Freedom. Loss of Integrity. Loss of Truth.

Fear of Inadequacy. Fear of the Truth. Fear of the Lies. Fear of Physical Pain. Fear of my government. Fear of my neighbor. Fear of the Global World we live in. Fear of Opinions. Fear of Routine. Fear of Discipline. Fear of Success. Fear of Failure. Fear of Not Doing Enough. Fear of Not Being Enough. Fear of Doing Too Much. Fear of Action. Fear of Staying the Same. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of THE METEOR de-magnetizing this amazing time we live in. Fear of Drought. Fear of Fire. Fear of GMOs. Fear of Big Business. Fear of the Ignorant (read the Haters). Fear of Disapproval.

The Joy of less | Kim Coupounas | TEDxBoulder

"What is that abundance, that joy, that your heart aches for? And what can you have less of to make room for it?" ~ Kim Coupounas

18 months almost to the day when I wrote my last post.

It still comes down to Focus. "Hacking away at the unessential" (thank you Bruce Lee).

I've met some new people, been able to get rid of a lot more craft items, but am not close to living simply. I have slowly come to realize over the last few months that I have an extremely deep Fear.

I Fear I Am Not Enough. My head knows this is garbage. And yet it is the driving force behind the majority of my daily decisions.

Perhaps I equate Less with Loss. Fear of needing the information in the book on Herbal Remedies that I just donated to the Salvation Army. Some of the fear is real, some of it is imagined, some of it comes from the Preppers (TSHTF group -  when 'the shit hits the fan' group), most of it comes through the media, and Social Media.

So what prompted me to write today, this minute, on this subject? A 25 minute conversation with my cousin - who had worked for a company himself has applied to. I had emailed my cousin to ask about his time with that company, company culture etc... and in response to my email to him, he said "I'm free now if you'd like to call me" - with his phone number.

Some background: This cousin and I love our shared family - his grandfather (Earl) loved me as a little girl because I reminded his grandfather of his daughter, Betty Kay, who is this cousin's mother, and who died much too young. His grandmother (Tess), was my paternal grandmother, Ethel's sister (my great-aunt), and they are siblings in "This Family" and this Family is special. I last saw my cousin at the funeral of great-aunt CJ, and because the cousins are spread out, we are not connected.

So I called him. And we talked longer than I thought we would - and after we talked about the company he used to work for, we agreed we miss the Lindsey Family gatherings. And we talked about how much we both love my dad. And how it blows our minds that my younger brother is 40. And we talked about his recent move, and what he does now. And I caught up on what his sisters are doing - not a lot of detail, but I know where they're living at least. And we talked about camping - and how I asked himself for a pop-up trailer and I came home to a tent in the back yard (Sooooo not a pop-up trailer - lol!). And we connected. I want more of that in my life.

Connection. I still want to have a business I can run from the internet, and travel around in a trailer and stay connected to my family and my friends. I want to be able to sing and perform with my guitar and ukulele (which I played with on the day I got it, but I think about playing it every single day, along with getting back to the guitar) and meet new people all across the country. This thrills my wandering soul. I don't know why exactly I'm not afraid of that.

But -
But - ~
But - ~ ...

What stops me? Why am I unable to stay Focused on What I Want (what I really really want ♪)?

Go back to the quote - what can I have less of to make room for it?

I feel like I'm closer to action. Today, at least.

Recently I had a conversation and I shared that I am just so tired. Tired of being anxious, tired of feeling hopeless in trying to change some of my behaviors. Tired of not accepting myself for being enough. Tired of saying at the beginning of each day, "I will not have the donuts or the bagels or the brownies or the cookies or the pita bread or the flour tortilla" and by 10am I've had the boston cream donut, and the banana cream pie, and the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites from Trader Joe's. I know my tiredness in part is because I haven't budged on the weight loss. I'm 3 lbs away from when I started Medi-Fast. That's another whole post.

We had some new friends over for Scotch Eggs and Haggis last night - and I cleaned the house. It looks so nice and smells so good. The living room is mostly clear of the random stuff that collects, that goes unnoticed because there is So. Much. Stuff. to keep track of and it has no permanent home. I love this clean feeling. And when I think about what I 'should' do to keep it up, then I'm instantly tired and hopeless. The Overwhelm of Life. Managing the Details. Negotiating throughout the day - because really, Life is All Negotiation.

No wonder the ideas of "Be More With Less" and "Tiny Houses" and "Becoming Minimalist" are so attractive and gaining momentum.

I live in my head. I collect information. I  know things, but I don't necessarily understand. And while I've been known to make fast decisions (hello, marry himself and then move out of the country in a span of less than 6 months...), this idea of living with so much less is huge change. Acting on this "Less is More" thing is scary. I have all that Fear.

Another Post I Don't Feel Inspired To Write

Checking it because it has been too long. I've had a terrible time since coming back from Prescott.
Eating bad. Stopped C25K because my hips hurt. Want simple, but can't seem to just 'toss it away' - it being all the stuff.

Taking the State Real Estate exam Monday September 8th. Passed the Hogan School test a couple weeks ago, and really, I had no business passing it... now I've had two weeks to review/study and am not doing that!

15 minutes. I can do anything for 15 minutes.

*sigh*

Hopefully there will be better thoughts and writing next time.

Writing is More About Editing... Yes? Life is about that too.

I don't have a problem writing - it is the "know when to stop" thing that kinda gets in the way. Sticking to a particular theme for this blog has long since gone away - now that I've gained all my weight back (130 lbs), as I'm not focused on 'The One Thing' any longer, any subject is fair game.

Focus is not over-rated. At least not for me. Losing focus hasn't been an advantage.

"You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage - pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically ~ to say NO to other things. And the way to do that is to have a bigger YES burning inside." ~ Stephen Covey

Then I found this blog post about juggling your passions like pots on a stove (and goes as far as keeping other projects in Tupperware in the fridge...) and while I adore the thought that I can do that, I know that it doesn't work as well for me - I have been trying for a long time to do "everything at once" - for lack of better words - and end up feeling entirely too overwhelmed and quitting everything.

So... bringing it in to the title of this post ~ Editing is about choosing what is necessary to be communicated - what is essential within the framework of the project (essay, book, blog post...) that you want to say.  Liken this to life (not a new comparison, I'm sure) and the life you want to live; and minimalism (or, rather simplicity and living with less - a la Courtney Carver and this post which really spoke to me the other day...) Living Intentionally. Being More With Less. Hacking Away at the Unessential. This is my goal. And this road is long, emotionally taxing, simple to say and not-in-any-way easy. I'm spending so much energy on it, that other areas of my life truly suffer.

One thing at a time. A Burning Yes that over-rides all others... Kinda like the "secret to life is one thing" from the movie City Slickers, right...?
I printed out the Zen Things... which sits above my desk, but look at my desk:

The Dissonance between Zen Things & My Desk

It is still better than it has been before, and I give myself "Atta-Girl!"'s because I can actually USE it, but there are 5 things "to do" or "in process and undone" sitting on it.

#1 on the list: "Do one thing at a time" (um, can we say, fail?)

The one thing that should be overriding all of this is losing the excess weight and feeling healthy and fit(ish).  Eating Less of the bad stuff (reading "Why We Get Fat" by Gary Taubes is a good start) so I can physically fit in my Tiny House with just the essential stuff...

My head hurts from thinking about it and going in circles. On the other hand, I do happen to have #8 down perfectly, on the Zen List, however (just in case this post is too depressing) ~ "Devote time to sitting."

I've failed at editing 'the perfect post' - and life is real... it is a real struggle (for me) in making daily choices of priorities. Keeping in mind my own "one thing." It seems to change daily. So many things are racing through my head right now, so I'll edit in as much as I won't go there publicly yet... maybe some journal thoughts first.

Finish the book. Take the Real Estate Test(s). Abstain from Flour, Sugar and Starch.

Okay, not the "Do One Thing At A Time" - but there are 4 burners on my stove, after all...

Motivation: Regular Exercise, Eating Healthy, Decreasing the Clutter

"Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways. "
Writer, H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Discipline.
Self-Control.

I want to feel like Julie Andrews feels about discipline:

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly."

The Bible has things to say on this too...
"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."  Hebrews 12:11 

I lose motivation so easily.
So I went in search of advice... I think sometimes sticking to the routine and simply not thinking about whether or not there is a choice is key for me.  "Just pull up your big girl pants and do it." often works for me to do something I don't feel like doing.

Ah, there is the problem.. "something I don't feel like doing." I need to embrace the concept of 'Do it whether I feel like it or not!'  I'm thankful for FlyLady's concept of 'You can do anything for 15 minutes." 15 minutes of washing dishes, 15 minutes of clearing a corner of my desk, 15 minutes folding and putting away laundry, 15 minutes of walking...

And finally, a great quote by Seth Godin:
"Discipline is obeying the rule you set when you were in a different mood than you are now."

Here's what I came across on a quick google search of 'how to stay motivated.'

Seven Steps to Staying Motivated

1. Set a goal and visualize it down to the most minute detail. See it, feel it, hear the sounds that accompany the end result (wind rushing through your hair, applause). Elite athletes visualize their performance ahead of time — right down to the smell of the sweat dripping down their face as they cross the finish line.

2. Make a list of the reasons you want to accomplish the goal. In our busy, distracting world, it’s easy to get blown off course. This is why you need to ground yourself in your goal. For extra “success insurance,” write your list with a pen. Studies show that when we write by hand and connect the letters manually, we engage the brain more actively in the process. Because typing is an automatic function that involves merely selecting letters, there’s less of a mental connection.

3. Break the goal down into smaller pieces and set intermediary targets — and rewards. I’ve called this “chunking” long before there was a Wikipedia to explain that there are eight variations of the concept. To me it’s the best non-pharmaceutical antidote to ADHD. Tony Robbins, arguably the foremost motivational speaker and personal development coach, says: “A major source of stress in our lives comes from the feeling that we have an impossible number of things to do. If you take on a project and try to do the whole thing all at once, you’re going to be overwhelmed.”

Enter chunking. My system involves chipping away at a project. Break it down into the smallest realistic steps and only do one at a time. Neuroscience tells us that each small success triggers the brain’s reward center, releasing feel-good chemical dopamine. This helps focus our concentration and inspires us to take another similar step. Try this with your bête noire, whether organizing your papers and bills or setting out to find a new job.


4. Have a strategy, but be prepared to change course. Let Thomas Edison inspire you in this department: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.” “The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

5. Get the help you need. It doesn’t necessarily take a village, but even if you could theoretically accomplish your objective alone, there’s inherent value in sharing your plan. It’s why people get married in front of witnesses. Announcing your intentions sends a strong message to the world and, more important, to your unconscious mind, which can sometimes sabotage our best efforts. Also, we often overestimate our abilities. The flip side is being highly selective about whom you tell and ask for help. It’s akin to the builder’s rule to always get “the right tool for the right job.”

6. Pre-determine how you will deal with flagging motivation. This is not defeatist thinking. On the contrary! It’s (almost) inevitable that at some point along the way, whether because of temporary setbacks or sheer exhaustion, you will need a little boost. When that happens, I think of what others have endured to reach their targets and to quash even the beginning of a pity party, I invoke the most hard-core endurance models I can think of: friends fighting serious diseases and Holocaust survivors.
Winston Churchill is particularly inspirational on this front. After London endured 57 consecutive bombings by the Germans during World War II (the Blitzkrieg), he was invited to address a group of students. In that speech, he uttered his immortal line “Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up.

7. Continually check in with your reasons for carrying on. Despite his all-too-human flaws, Steve Jobs embodied this brilliantly. He once told an interviewer: “I think most people that are able to make a sustained contribution over time — rather than just a peak — are very internally driven. You have to be. Because, in the ebb and tide of people’s opinions and of fads, there are going to be times when you are criticized, and criticism’s very difficult. And so when you’re criticized, you learn to pull back a little and listen to your own drummer. And to some extent, that isolates you from the praise, if you eventually get it, too. The praise becomes a little less important to you and the criticism becomes a little less important to you, in the same measure. And you become more internally driven.”

See the Big Picture
There’s also a more meta, “Why are we here?” way to think about motivation. The great Jewish Rabbi Hillel (alive around the time of Jesus), famously said, “If not you, then who? If not now, when?” If you truly let those words sink in, it’s hard to be slacker.

From Forbes
* * *

** Don't let your goals run wild... When your sights are too ambitious, they can backfire, burn you out, and actually become demotivating, says Lisa Ordóñez, a professor of management and organizations at the Eller College of Management, at the University of Arizona, in Tucson. Instead of aiming unrealistically high (such as trying to save enough money for a down payment on a home in six months), set goals that are a stretch but not an overreach (come up with a doable savings plan for your budget).

...But work on them everyday. According to Daniel Pink, author of Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us ($27, amazon.com), taking small steps every day will not only help hold your interest in what you’re trying to achieve but will also ensure that you move slowly, but surely, toward your goal. So, for example, set up a down-payment-fund jar and dump your change into it every night. You’ll get a sense of accomplishment each day, to boot.

** Go public with it. Instead of keeping your intentions to yourself, make them known to many. “Other people can help reinforce your behavior,” says James Fowler, a political scientist who studies social networks at the University of California, San Diego. After all, it’s harder to abandon a dream when you know that people are tracking your progress. Take Stefanie Samarripa of Dallas, 25, who wanted to lose 20 pounds. She created a blog and told all her friends to read it. “I wanted something to hold me accountable,” she says. Samarripa weighs herself weekly and announces the result on Desperately Seeking Skinny (skinnystefsam.blogspot.com). During her first three weeks, she lost six pounds. “People read my updates and make comments, which helps me keep going,” she says.

** Make yourself a priority. Put your needs first, even when it feels utterly selfish. You will derail your progress if you sacrifice yourself for others in order to please them (such as eating a cupcake that a coworker baked even though you’re on a diet).

From Real Simple online article
* * *

Here are 5 steps to gain more clarity about why you want to change, and what you want in life:
 

Step 1:
Pull out a piece of paper and a pen.

 

Step 2:
Ask yourself the question, “What’s one area of my life that I’d like to change?” Write this answer on the top of the page.

 

Step 3:
Look at your answer. Now ask yourself, “But why is this important?” Write this new answer below your previous answer.

 

Step 4:
Repeat step 3 until you uncover the real reasons motivating you to change. Keep going deeper. You’ll know when you’ve gotten to the root cause of your pain.

 

Step 5:
Based on what you uncover, develop a clear vision of what you want in your life. Use this new awareness and motivation to help you remain committed to this new path.

 

Remember: Saying “I’m unhappy at work” or “I feel unfulfilled in my relationship” isn’t deep enough. Keep going!

We all face obstacles in our lives, but if we’re willing to do the tough work of asking ourselves “why?” these obstacles can truly become the gateways that lead to greater clarity and new beginnings. We can use this clarity to gain a deeper understanding of what we really want in life, and to motivate us to make lasting changes.

From Tiny Buddha

"Our character is basically a composite of habits. Because they are consistent, often unconcious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character." ~ Steven R. Covey

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99"

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/julie_andrews.html#pjlMrB5P4HzisT2r.99

What do people assume about you that would be wrong?

This is a loaded question, isn't it? I was just reading an article and the writer mentions this as the most difficult interview question ever.  The writer's answer was "Just because I'm nice people assume I'm a doormat."

The article had this to say:

What do people assume about me? I don't really know. So how could I say they were wrong? Should I admit I've never thought about that before and see if they would let me off the hook? Should I make something up that people might assume about me, or should I pick a terrible characteristic and deny it? No, that would be wrong because then I would be admitting that there is a reason why people would assume that. Yikes! This was an impossible trick question.

I think my answer would be along the lines of, "Just because I talk to people I don't know, and am a performer, it is assumed that I'm an extrovert."

Recently I took a Personality Assessment (Predictive Index) for work. "The test employs a free-choice (as opposed to forced-choice) response format, in which individuals are presented with two lists of descriptive adjectives, both containing 86 items, and are asked to endorse those which they feel describe them (the “self” domain), and then those which they feel coincide with how they feel others expect them to behave (the “self-concept” domain). Summing across these two domains yields a third implied domain (the “synthesis”), which can be interpreted as reflecting an employee’s observable behavior in the workplace."  [description from "What is Predictive Index (PI)?" article online]

I took it twice, because even the Talent Acquisition person had a hard time believing my first results... here are some of the results:

• Private, serious, introspective, and reserved, it takes her a long time to connect to and trust new people.
• Focused, she can concentrate on the task at hand for long periods. She more quickly notices and understands technical matters than social ones. Consistent and patiently thoughtful.
• Works at a steady, unwavering pace; most comfortable with familiar processes, environments, and co-workers. Doesn't easily change.
• Task-focused; she quickly notices and pushes to fix technical problems, assertively cutting through any personal/emotional issues. Has aptitude to spot trends in data or figure out how complex systems work.
• Independent, analytical, critical, and creative thinking and action; little need for external validation before action. Private.
• Authoritative and direct, she's driven to accomplish her personal goals; she pushes through roadblocks assertively. Communication is direct, to the point, and sometimes brusque.

Because I love to sing and perform, people assume I'm an extrovert.  Because I get people together for reunions or performance opportunities, people assume I am social. But truly, it is only those with whom I have a strong (and loving) connection with are the folks I adore being around and love being the instigator of social situations.

I am actually an introvert. People exhaust me. I love performing, and by nature love the spotlight... but that is about recognition (which the PI stated I needed). I absolutely hate and do my best to avoid being in a room full of people that I don't know and with whom I'm expected to have conversations. Even if we have something in common (like singing, scrapbooking, crafting, etc...). Small Talk. Blech. I prefer to be "task-focused." I wish, however, I could "assertively cut through... personal/emotional problems." At least, be more assertive fixing my own. Always easier to see through someone else's cow turds.

That being said, I'm extremely socially intuitive, and my gut reaction to people and situations is spot on. My Emotional Intelligence is pretty high (though it hasn't been officially/sociologically tested). My feelings about someone, even if I am unable to articulate why, are right on the money as far as if I instinctively know if I can trust them, or if I want to work closely with them. So, when I read from my PI results that I am going to "notice and understand technical matters more than social ones..." I guffaw.

I also laugh heartily at the "Authoritive and direct... pushes through roadblocks assertively... communication is direct, to the point and sometimes brusque..."  Because I see myself (and have been given feedback regarding it) as giving you the baby and the bathwater when it comes to communication.  I have a sticky by my computer to remind me "... If I Had To Say It In Bullet Points..." because I want to ensure everyone understands exactly what I mean.  I don't trust others to 'get it' so I over-compensate with over-explanation. (can you say "Controlling" ?!)

And then comes the many (many) times I'm proved right... that someone doesn't get the question, or the situation, and so much time is wasted going back and forth in email dialogue because of the initial misunderstanding. That drives me NUTS.

I'm in a situation right now where I've instigated putting together 7 other people to sing for a fun/humorous performance weekend in August. We'll sing two songs, and there is competition involved. You can win 1st, 2nd or 3rd place - or the Golden Banana... which is what everyone actually wants to win. In the past few years I was in a group that got third place, and the next year I was in a different group and we won the Golden Banana.  This time around, I wanted to work with people who hadn't done this Double Quartet experience before, and hopefully help grow some independent singing skills under the guise of having fun. Some of the gals in this group are brand new to this wonderful barbershop hobby, and others have been singing it for over 40 years.

Regarding this situation, I acknowledge that sometimes I actually might be "...direct and sometimes brusque..." because I want excellence (in work and play) as the end result. I like recognition for a job well done, and when my name is associated with something, I want to be able to have pride in what we've (I've) done.

And there it is. Pride. Writing this piece this morning has brought the mirror to my face, and so much crap in what I struggle with has to do with Pride. Caring what others think too often.

My comfort level in posting this (1 being low and 10 being high) is a -3.

Sunny and Cold!

Earlier today was Sunny and Cold... my favorite! Sunny blue skies, and crispy outside air!

We hit a low of 28 F degrees last night, and tonight they're predicting 20 (!) This is very cold for SE Arizona... taps running through the night, and my little space heater in my studio going all day today.

I'm so very grateful for my little space heater, and the kettle that keeps the hot beverages coming!

I'm hacking away at my "unessential" stamps and crafting supplies.  Yes, *laugh* I understand that none of it is essential, in the actual definition of the word. But I'm de-cluttering a little at a time, and I'm feeling really good about how much I've done today.

The empty containers on the right are what I've emptied and put into plastic bags... I'm giving one of the pink/green ones to the 5 people from my work, because having something to put your things in is important. *wink!*

There are some folks at work who might appreciate 'free stuff', so I'm putting things in bags for them... then putting other stamps in a couple larger bags to take to work (and possibly other places where I know people who might be interested...) to let them go through and choose what else they might like ~ and himself has a place at his work where people bring things to get rid of.... so what I have left over will go to his work.

My goal is to get my stamps and "other crafting supplies" into one (very tall Ikea) bookshelf, and more things on the peg board. I think I'm going to have to be brutal, and say "if it doesn't fit in the bookcase, then it has to go out the door." *sniff*

The scrapbooking and memorabilia can be in in another area of the studio for the time being. I've done a lot with paring down my possessions there already, but I have more to do.  Mainly - get 'er done! Get the years of stuff I've collected into albums.

I look on the shelves and my original "Keep 5 sets plus music and celtic stamps" statement was optimistic.  When you see what I'm getting rid of, it is far more than what I'm keeping... but still - I'm keeping at least 19 known "sets" plus 15 containers of 'Other' Stamps. So, I still have quite the stash.

I'm not quite finished organizing the final "homes" for the stamps... and almost all have labels, though not all the labels are visible... that will change today! I ♥ labelling!!

I've decreased the amount of embossing powders, and still have the ink pads to go through.  I'll probably be keeping all but the oldest ink pads & pens. (Some of the Stampin' Up ink pads are from 1993!!)

The paper is another issue... I'm mostly keeping white and neutral (beige-family colors) cardstock for card bases.  I have quite a bit 8-1/2 X 11 scrapbooking paper, which can be used for cards.  I made the mistake a long time ago not getting ready of any paper than isn't "acid free" -- as it would be fine for cards. But I don't do cards enough to justify the space all the paper takes up.

I want to have my "stamping and crafting" table empty by the end of today. This is a "During" Photo:

I actually made some space on the surface before taking the picture...

As I sit here and contemplate all the "Stuff" that it takes to craft, I'm torn. I've spent most of the day whittling down this stuff, and not spent any time at all on music.  And I say music is my passion. Music is certainly my gift, and performing ~ well, there is nothing like it in the world.

I'm not sure I have the words to express what I'm not exactly sure I'm feeling at the moment.

Sad Monday

A Girl at work lost her baby on Friday night. I'm heartbroken for her and her family and her boyfriend.  The baby boy was 9 lbs, 22 inches -- the cord wrapped around his neck, and from what I understand, there's an 8-minute window to work with.

Just so sad and sick with grief for her. I really cannot imagine what it must be like.
* * *

Things have been insane as usual... quartet and chorus have taken over for a month or so - and I've been incredibly neglectful of my poor lonely blog.

But. tonight isn't the night to make up for it.

have to sleep now.  Show love to those you love. And please say a prayer for all those who are grieving in this world over losses of life.

Tucson Marathon - Dec 9

Planning to walk the 13.1 half-marathon.

Intimidated just thinking about squeezing in 45 minutes of walking every day.
 * * *
"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."
Author, Nora Roberts

Mid-February Re-Start

I was up 3 lbs at Medifast yesterday. Knew it would be bad.

No surprise... though this past Monday I saw a new (low) number on my home scale... I then went out and bought "treats" for my team at work = Butterfinger hearts and Dark Chocolate Dove hearts... and well, they got a few of the Butterfinger hearts.

I also inhaled a tin of semi-deluxe nuts (less than 50% peanut mix) in a couple of days... and combine high salt with not enough water... having a sugar binge - all that equaled the 3 lb gain. Well, I have to say it stops today.

Yesterday, driving home -- I bought roasted almonds and bag of Lindt's Chocolate truffles - which are my favorite.  3 truffles = 15 carbs... but of course I didn't limit myself to only 3.  I just called the day a loss and rather than go have a couple of slices of pizza... or some salsa & chips... I enjoyed the sugar; then crashed.
* * *

Last night I once again was thinking about what kind of life is what I want to live
[my mind is racing right now and it is a bit difficult to be coherent when so many thoughts are competing to be first... just a warning that the following may or may not make sense.]
and I had the thought that I need to be a grown up.

(I think) a lot of what I'm struggling with is my inner child not wanting to give up anything. (scrapbooking, memorabilia, stamping, crafting, projects, sewing, Martha Stewart-esque plans for my home and life)

I don't want to have to make a choice. I want it all.

And it isn't the first time I've had the thought, but it is the first time I've had it so incredibly internal -- not just like I was looking at the thought and understanding the concept intellectually and saying, "I see... interesting and quite true..." as if from afar... like an objective counselor talking with a counselee... but rather -- having it come from a bubbling place inside of me. Without Resentment. It was with Acceptance.

HUGE!

Can we hear a big WOOT!!!???!!!

* * *

What I want is changing... and the letting go of past dreams in order to create and make real the new ones I think puts me in a place of mourning.  Mourning the death of past dreams, which I'm still (very much so) attached to, and love dearly; and if there was enough time in the day I still totally want to do (!) But the reality of needing to make some difficult choices creeps in more and more each day, and I'm still in the process of trying to get clear on what it is I want my (our) life to look like.

1. Health & Fitness -- (still looking to add another 30 minutes of walking a week, and two or three days of resistance fitness activity)
2. Home & Husband -- Simplifying. Clearing the stuff. Cooking healthier. Planning time together. Growing a Kitchen Garden. Having a herb garden.
3. Job/Career -- still working on how to want this as a higher priority in reality
4. Family & Relationships (has moved up the priority list) -- taking a balance of time off between family and chorus/quartet events. Keeping a few meaningful card-making supplies for creating a few meaningful projects.
5. Quartet -- Be a member of Club 21 (means winning a regional contest and a shot at competing at International)
6. Chorus -- Be a member of a Top 10 Chorus.

To accomplish even a simplified list of things: my main goal is to go to bed earlier (by 10:30 at the latest) and getting up at a regular time (5:30 at the latest). Watching less mindless television.

So I've been trying to think of things that will actually get me excited to get up in the morning put together a list of things to think about before I fall asleep that I will remember in the morning so I'll actually get up... and be productive... some reasons to get up consistently at 5am.

I struggle with being specific in this area.  Having a list of housework that I need to accomplish isn't doing the trick. Surprise. Not.

Doing music is one of them... but in order for me to get up, start the kettle for coffee/tea and actually come in and be productive - I need the space to work (which is definitely NOT something I have around me at the moment) and some outlined goals on which to focus.
* * *


And I have to express my extreme sadness and grief of the too early death of one of Pop Music's greatest voices. Whitney Houston died yesterday at age 48 -- details about it I haven't seen yet, but I would guess that her later drug use and addiction came from a place of trying to escape the pressure and expectation that a needy (greedy) business demanded.  And from what sounds like a tormenting love relationship.

What a gift she was blessed with, such a tragic, tragic end to her life. My prayers are with her family :(
* * *

I'm so blessed... and incredibly thankful. Thank You.
* * *
eta:
PS -- is is 02-12-2012.  Cool. Thanks Ben

February 1, 2012

A Dining Table can help re-establish (save? rescue?) a relationship.

Eating a meal together... home cooked & tasty real food... no tv.... no couch eating... making plans and discussing the day.

Better.

Weight Loss: eh.

Emotional State: Better

Physical State: getting over being sick (off work 2 days) - missed fabulous coaching session for chorus


* * *
30 Minutes working together on the house.
Not working together at the same time... but as a team separately. Common Goal = to have friends over and have fun movie and game nights. Clear surfaces. Which requires a place for guests to sit. Cleanliness is key here. Lack of Stuff, also important. Working inside and outside on the space we share together.

I feel like such a grownup.

finally.
* * *
Less Stuff. Downsize. Donate. I'm not as bad as the tv show, but honestly,  it wouldn't be that far for me to cross over. Why do I have such a difficult time letting go? Such a weird thing - holding on to the past... saving for 'one day' or 'it may come in handy' -- and until that time just keeping everything stuck.

Two empty coffee jars have been sitting on the counter next to the sink for a couple weeks. They're great sized, nothing printed or bumpy on the outside... would be great for a craft project - or for holding ... something (I can't even think of anything at this moment - but I *know* they'd be good for SOMETHING). Himself took our dinner plates to the counter, and we were talking about clearing and letting go, and I said it was okay to recycle those two empty jars.

It pained me to see him put them in the recycling bin. PAINED ME. Physically affected me.

What IS this? How did I get here? What thought process and pattern brought me to this weird place where letting go and getting rid of things is so incredibly difficult? What am I afraid of?
* * *

Random... lots of drama in other areas of life, nothing major... just time consuming. Every day needs to be a day to re-focus. Re-energize. Re-commit.

Peace. Gratitude. Breathe.

Day 368 -- up 3 lbs

Listen to your instinct. Go with your gut.

What it that changes too fast to keep up with?
* * *

In a down period right now... always coincides with the new year.  Feeling a bit bored... restless... need something to look forward to...

Day 365!

1 Year.

I've done something consistently... for an entire year.

This is possible.

While I'm kicking myself when I'm down; and inner nag is shamelessly shouting a truckload of negative not-niceties... this is a wonderful thing to remember... to stick my head up out of the mire of those bad days... and wave my middle finger and say... "I did it! I did it once, I can do it again!" And like this awesome article at Livestrong says...

Approach this year’s goals with your eyes wide open. Have hope. Be an optimist. And believe that ANYTHING is possible. And then tell yourself that when you get knocked down, you will pick yourself back up.

Every. Single. Time.

Do it for your family. Do it for your friends. Do it for the people you love. And most importantly: Do it for you.

Key Words: Every. Single. Time.


In case I miss that bit.


I thought this quote from the article was insightful, too...

When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe that’s when you’ll achieve your goals.

There's a lot of things I didn't do... this is true.  But if I were to gather up 100 lbs and try to drag it around with me every day, doing every-day-things... I think I'd quickly wake up to the fact that it has been an incredible, amazing, Awesome-in-a-Big-God-Who-Created-The-World kind of AWESOME way year.

Remember, myself... to accept yourself for all that you are, and all that you have been (!), and all the in-between that is you.

* * *

I have a splitting headache - only something like 3 hours of sleep last night - interrupted sleep at that with dog acting up... himself not settling... himself's earphones so loud listening to music that I couldn't settle, either... 

* * *

A big list of 'to-do' -- if I would just do two of them, I'd be happier with me.

Here's me... just doing it.

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Happy Faces Pretending... All the While Attacking Ourselves with Words We'd Never Dream of Saying to Anyone Else...

Love this from Ellen over at "Fat Girl Wearing Thing" about 'Ditch the Weight; Lose the Hate' challenge 2012.

She says this...

Have you ever noticed that the tools needed to repair ourselves on the outside are plentiful and readily available?  They come in the form of diets, exercise equipment, menu plans, gyms, diet aids, gadgets, specialized shoes and clothing – you name it.  We can’t hide our weight from others and that too becomes a motivator.  But feelings of regret, hopelessness, fear, humiliation, anger, self ridicule and belittlement are so much easier to hide; to pretend they don’t exist.  The tools we need to fix those areas of our lives aren’t so readily available.  So, we put on happy faces and pretend that we don’t mentally and emotionally attack ourselves with words we’d never dream of uttering to someone else. 

I put in red the part that really really called me out. So many things going through my mind right now about the close of another year... another great post from Ellen is about Reflecting on the past year and seeing what we have achieved.  Yes, I've lost 100 lbs. I am not done, but right now am acting as if I were... what the hell? And when I look at these reflection questions and answers, I just feel like I'm not enough... there's so much more to do and to improve upon. And the overwhelm begins. And the 'why bother?' creeps in, and I've not even noticed it until there's a big, cold draft in my supposedly safe and warm and loving spirit.

We all have to find our own way... we ask others, we consult, we research.  We ponder, we discuss, we have coffee and perhaps even some chocolate. We feel guilty, we feel success... often I feel those in the same instant. We vent. We Try... we might fail - sometimes we prosper. We grow... or at least we think we are growing. We hope perhaps *this* will help... or maybe *that* -- a new calendar, a new motivational statement... a new mantra... a new friend...but it is only when I realize that I. am. enough. that the spiralling self-destructive thought pattern is disrupted.

I believe in God. A Creator - who created me exactly as I am meant to be. That doesn't mean there isn't anything to improve on - that is part of the challenge (and what I believe to be part of the meaning) of life. I have so much trouble remembering on a daily, constant basis that part of the journey is making mistakes, and accepting yourself anyway; falling down, and getting up again; learning the hard way, and yet still forgiving yourself.

All so much easier said (and written) than done (and lived). I have to keep reminding myself that I Am Enough.
I am good enough. Smart enough. Talented enough. Friendly enough. Loving enough. Thoughtful enough. Detached enough. Emotional enough. Disciplined enough. Tough enough. Soft enough. Opinionated enough. Self-reliant enough. Savvy enough. Humble enough. Intelligent enough. Reading enough. Watching enough. Thankful enough. Inspired enough. Planning enough. Sleeping enough (ha ha!). Aware enough. Eating enough. Exercising enough. Thinking enough. Writing enough. Daydreaming enough. Walking enough. Cooking enough. Cleaning enough. Singing enough. Praying enough (never enough of this, I'm afraid). Grateful enough.

Enough starts to look misspelled after awhile.

Enough.

Enough is enough.

7 days away from the 365th Day of Medifast

... January 4, 2012 it will be one year.

So many things have gone through my head the last few weeks.

I don't know where to begin.  Except I know that losing the weight is only the beginning.  I am still the same person, with the same frustrations, the same inclinations, the same temptations as I was 100 lbs ago.

I know this because I have ventured off the MF path and indulged a bit -- not in bread, pasta, potatoes or corn on the cob... but in dark chocolate, and much larger portion sizes (which equals more calories and feeling more lethargic!).  I also did indulge in 3 Luxury Mince Pies (they're the size of a small cupcake) made by Walkers that were wonderful.  I didn't eat them all in one sitting...which was also very wonderful.  And there were 6 in the box, and one I gave away; two himself got to enjoy.

I felt really crappy Monday night after eating a lot of sugary things Sunday and Monday.  I will have sugar in my life, but it will have to be Oh-So-Worth-It, and very intentional.

I realize I HAVE to get back to blogging regularly.  It was this that kept me honest and focused - and I need to put my time and energy back here where it belongs.  Full Stop.

It has been a lovely break. I go back to weigh on January 7th -- and after the last dark chocolate covered almond with turbinado sugar and sea salt is gone (which it is now), I will be back to being 'good as gold' in the eating to lose weight Medifast Method.

Two things to consider as my 'new focus' in the new year -- [1] Stop Complaining and [2] Put things away whether I'm done/finished or not.

Life is an amazing thing. If you're reading this, you're probably incredibly blessed too. Let's be grateful for what we have, and the gifts we've been given (talents, skills, abilities) -- and share. 

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Acceptance... of the gifts & talents... AND the 'Never Ever Evers...'

My new favorite blog/writer is White Hot Truth -- and THIS POST made me burst out in tears today.

I think we waste a lot of time wishing for things --

I wish I was... a naturally non-cluttered person;
I wish I was... more organized
I wish I was... better at math
I wish I was... more athletic

I wish for everyone that we become happy with who we are. Right Now. That we love who we are at this moment... that we are becoming exactly who we are meant to be - with all our natural abilities (maybe undiscovered), AND all our natural non-abilities (I have to work at keeping things simple and manageable). I have to re-remember every time all the reasons why exercise is what I want in my life... every single time I go to exercise.

I wish for everyone that we love ourselves for what we can do right now.

It isn't that I don't want to have goals or things to improve or work toward ~ but the inner beatings need to stop.  Accept that I'll never ever be a size 10... that I'll never ever have a flat stomach... that I'll never ever like to clean my house... that I'll never ever want to pull weeds or do the physical labor that is required for a beautiful back yard myself...

I am a natural singer, and have been blessed with musical genes from both sides of my family -- and I need to accept it, love it, use it and (hopefully) bless others with this gift. Stop comparing my special gift with others who ALSO have been given special gifts and talents.

Don't knock the talents you have just because it comes easily... there are people out there who wish they could do what we can -- and vice-versa. Enjoy the differences. Learn and challenge ourselves to improve... but love yourself all the time.

Day 331 -- Feeling Emotions

Ben @ Ben Does Life said it best on 11/29...

When things go bad... and when things go good...

go read it.

* * *

I've been crying on and off the past 4 days -- the emotional magnitude of what it means to have lost 100 lbs... it is huge. And I'm really slow at processing.  And even slower putting words to the emotions that I have no words for... difficult to express oneself when no words can be found.  So, tears let it out in the meantime -- most are happy, some I think are grief and regret... but those are short-lived, and the feeling of being ON the mountaintop returns and erases the old crap thinking/feeling, and a certainty of validation in myself that it is possible, and certainly if *I* can do it -- this thing is possible.

Totally, incredibly, challengingly possible.

48 more to go. Still a bit of a climb, but wonderfully possible.

End-of-Tunnel Light -- straight up ahead.

* * *
ETA: Nothing is done alone. I couldn't have done this alone. Life is about helping each other... Relationship.
I'm without-words grateful to my step-father & mom for making this financially possible, my own himself for being supportive both emotionally and financially as well.

Day 292 (Eeek -- How is it almost Halloween?)

240.0 This morning.  4 lbs away on the Medifast Scale from 100 pounds lost.  (Started this journey at 338).

A bit disappointed that I'm hovering around this number for so long. BUT... my love for TJ's Almond Butter with Roasted Flax Seeds and the realization that I'm an abstainer (keep reading)... have contributed, among other regular life things, to being in this holding pattern.

On being an Abstainer (vs. a Moderator) -- Samuel Johnson said:

"Abstinence is as easy to me, as temperance would be difficult."

How I came to this realization: I brought chocolate in for my team at work -- we were having a tough month  [plug here: Please Give Blood... and if you can't, please encourage those who can to do it....], and so for every appointment for a blood donation, they could have a small piece of chocolate. The Halloween candy had just come out, so it was easy to find bite-sized treats.  I was fine resisting until I started on the Dove Dark Chocolate.  Then I had a couple of the bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cups, then the chocolate kisses.  The final straw came when I bought a bag of Tootsie Rolls at the dollar store, as a final test to see if I could just have the serving size (28 carbs) and leave the rest alone. And at the end of the day the entire bag was gone.  No, it wasn't a huge bag - it was the $1 store... but I've learned, without a doubt, that in these things it is easier for me to say NO altogether, than to be okay with just a few. In other words - this is why I have to say I'm an Abstainer, as I'm not moderate about much in my life... especially food.

Eating out in restaurants... sharing desserts is okay because once it is gone, it is gone -- and 2 or more people have helped. For me to order my own and only eat a few bites, or only eat half of it -- nope, not so much.

The Happiness Project blog is what brought this to my attention, and I'm for sure an "All Er Nuthin'" Girl! Which kills me... because I firmly believe that balance and moderation makes for an easier, fulfilling life... but apparently not for me. And I know I'm not alone... and what a bummer that I struggle with that 'never enough' issue. I'm sure there are some wonderfully deep psychological reasons for it... and perhaps as I continue on this journey this aspect of my personality will change.  In the meantime, limiting my access to 'off plan' food is the only strategy that will work to keep losing
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I took days off this week to clear stuff out of my room... and to listen to the Sweet Adelines International Webcast of International Contest in Houston, Texas that is happening this week.  What a wonderful thing this technology we have (I truly have a love/hate relationship with technology...)

It is such an emotional thing to get rid of stuff. I love George Carlin's comedy routine about stuff -- so true.  I've been collecting books and articles on questions to ask when trying to decide what should go and what should stay.  The most helpful hint I've seen is "If I agonize for too long --> THROW IT OUT!! Don't make the decision whether to toss or keep a difficult one!"  This one helps as I start going through stuff.

December will be my last senior citizen craft class -- I'll give them my ideas for future craft projects, and anything that I may have that I haven't already donated.  I'm sad, but it is also a relief.  Part of discovering who I am again (now that layers of extra weight are gone), is continuing to ask myself what it is I want.  And the answer is always the same - music. My emotions are so strong about music and singing and what I want to be able to do... more on that later.

I've taken a small load of craft supplies to church... and my goal is to get pretty close to having all my scrapbooking supplies fit into one bag - and one bag for the album and pages. My cousin-by-marriage has reduced her scrapping stuff to this, and it just makes so much sense.  Harder will be getting rid of memorabilia I've been saving....  It was more important when I was living in Scotland to scrap. And as I've lost weight I realize that I was scrapping to re-live good times, that it was a way to validate myself and keep my emotions 'up' with the good memories.  I'm living a little more in the now, I think.

I do plan to keep on making cards and stamping...and there is a big cross-over in the supplies that it takes for that and scrapbooking... so it won't all go away (!)
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I need to get back to regular posting... it helps me.  And pictures (though not much has changed in the last month).  I did finally make some muffins from the Medifast pancakes and different muffins from the eggs, shakes, & oatmeal... it has been a nice change to have "toast" with a bit of butter!

This is a weird, disjointed post -- I need some time away from the computer now, so it is what it is. :-)