55 Things I Love About Myself ~or~ Happy 55th Birthday to Me

When my person, Penny, was turning 55 (I think it was 55), her husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She asked me if she could tell him to call me for some suggestions. She told me I was a great (and creative) gift-giver... For what it's worth, she was so fun (and easy!) to find gifts for - I still have things I bought with her in mind, even though she passed away in 2018.

So he called me, and one of the suggestions I gave him was that he write down 55 things he loved about her.

And that's what he did... she said it was the sweetest thing, and even if there were some repeats on the list (lol), she absolutely loved it. I'm sure there were some other gifts involved, but I was always pleased with myself for coming up with such a romantic and fun idea (if I do say so myself, ha ha) and planned to do the same for people in my life.

Today is my 55th birthday, and I don't think anyone is going to be writing a list of 55 things they love about me, so I'm going to do it for myself. Self-Love Baby!! Yeah!

Today marks what I've been calling my "Grand Slam Birthday" aka known as the Denny's Senior Discount Birthday ~ 55 is when the 10% discount kicks in. I had originally planned to have my friends meet me at Denny's for Brunch on my birthday at home - but my Thanksgiving plans were hijacked by the plague, so I ended up coming up to Phoenix-area to spend the day with my mom and step-dad.

It's a good thing, actually (even though I'm still really bummed my original plan was overturned), because it is "Black Friday" after Thanksgiving Day, and I can't say enough about how much I detest going out 'there' when it's even more "people-y" than usual - ugh... and going to brunch at Denny's would have probably been more crowded than usual. So while the actually DAY of celebration isn't happening... I still see a Denny's Brunch to Celebrate Carrie's 55th in the near future.

But I am procrastinating my list...

I love me because...

1. I don't give up easily.

I made my own college graduation announcements (because the money was running out) and I put this Calvin Coolidge quote on the front:

“Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts."

I may not be consistent, and I'll 'take a pause' - and maybe sometimes I won't even make an attempt, but when I decide to...

!! How very interesting and self-defeating that as I'm writing this first thing, my head is absolutely sabotaging myself! I'm remembering many times that I quit. !!

* I just added "easily" to that first sentence. It's more honest. When I finally do quit, it's only after a lot of thought, heartache, guilt etc...

2. I am thoughtful of others

3. I organize events and gatherings that bring people together

4. I am creative

5. I am constantly trying to improve myself

6. I have learned that "what other people think of me is none of my business" (80% of the time)

7. I keep trying... this isn't the same as not giving up, is it? Sometimes what I'm trying are altogether different things. Hmmmm... maybe it's the positive way of saying the same thing.

8. I am optimistic, with a bit of realism for balance

9. I keep in touch with my friends.

10. I am efficient as I can possibly be ~ when left up to me

11. I do my best to help others succeed

12. I daydream

13. I don't follow the crowd (fashion, trends, 'must haves' for ______ fill in the blank), I often have to use urban dictionary to understand social media posts (Reddit, mostly, ha ha).

14. I am an independent thinker

15. I don't succumb to peer (societal) pressure, I will walk away (avoid)

16. I am strong

17. I am empathetic

18. I understand most people and situations intuitively without having to be told specifically

19. I am intuitive

20. I trust my gut (intuition)

21. I like a variety of vegetables (lol)

22. I prefer 'casual' over 'uptight' ~ comfort over fashion ~ relaxed over restricted

23. I like to have fun

24. I can be extroverted when necessary

25. I am an "ambivert" - I do need quite a bit of alone time

26. I'm never bored ~ there's always something (educational or entertaining) to do/read/create

27. I love to learn

28. I allow myself grace when I don't accomplish a goal

29. I am a natural teacher

30. I love to teach 

31. I love that when I'm teaching, I believe I'm learning more from those whom I am teaching

32. I am generous whenever I can be (time and money)

33. I am deliberate with whom I trust

34. I am a good writer

35. I am a very good singer and musician

36. I (like to believe) I'm open to new ideas ~ but am not sure if this has actually been truly tested

37. I see small details 

38. I see the big picture

39. I have faith in Jesus

40. I have good hair (thanks Dad!)

41. I can be sneaky (lol)

42. I do my best 

43. I am getting better about doing hard things (this list is a very hard thing!)

44. I am taking steps toward increasing my health and energy by eating Whole Food, Plant-Based, No Oil, No (processed) Sugar & very limited added Salt

45. I do my best to not judge others, especially without knowing their story

46. I have a great sense of humor

47. I dig the "deeper discussions" on the 'whys and wherefores' of why we are who we are, what makes us this way and all that goes with those thoughts and conversations

48. I don't let go (this can be a double-edged good/bad thing... today it's a thing I am choosing to love)

49. I sing in tune (this means that while there may be some 'flat notes' in my singing line, I don't flat the song when singing by myself... as for the group I'm with...? Well, that's not something I'm in control of, generally; but "me, myself and I" do not flat)

50. I am critical (more toward myself than others; but hold others to the same high standard I hold myself. Again, choosing to love myself for this trait that can be a double-edged good/bad thing. See 55 bonus*)

51. I have traveled and seen and lived in other cultures, other ways of living and know I have been enriched and educated, inspired and amused because I can step outside of my culture - which I love and am proud of, don't get me wrong - but because of travel I am a better overall human and world citizen because of this one thing

52. I have stuck with my current career (Real Estate) the longest I've ever done any full-time job.

53. I have increased my income while still continuing to work at a pace I am comfortable with and which gives me time to still pursue my "hobbies" 

54. I am sensitive

55. I did this list! (yeah, maybe this is a bit of a cheat, lol, maybe... but I'm still loving myself for thinking of it and then actually DOING it... not just keeping it in a "good ideas" or "someday" folder)

55. bonus* I love than I understand that there is always someone better/worse than me... richer/poorer... smarter/dumber  etc... and that I'm learning to see them all as a child of the living God. We are all His children, regardless of how someone lives his/her/their life. Some days this is easier than others, but going back to having faith, I have faith that I am forgiven, and loved just like all the others here. 

  

Challenged

I just had a short but good (sometimes hard) visit with my family in a different state. My nephew graduated high school (as a state National Honor Society and school NHS member!) and so the family gathered. He has a scholarship to a local university and while he doesn't (yet?) or hasn't (yet?) shown a real passion for a particular path - he plans to study science and music. We are proud of him, and I'm eager to see what path he ultimately will walk.

My niece, his older sister, is "doing it." What I mean by that is she had a vision, an idea and a goal to grow organic vegetables (tomatoes, to be specific) 'off season' and be able to provide these veggies by selling them at her stall at a Farmer's Market. And I'm so incredibly proud that she is DOING IT!

She is young, she is doing it her way, she's learning a lot of things and has had tons and tons of family support! She has an uncle who is a Regenerative Farming expert and who has, I suspect, been instrumental in her success thus far. I'm so proud and happy for her!! 22 Years Old! Go Sarah!!

All that to say... I come today to write about a conversation (and a challenge) I had with my father, who I've always seen and experienced as insightful, wise, stern and loving, that has been playing on my heart, and messing up my mind. I love my dad immensely. I admire him. ♥ I love him whole-heartedly for who he is and who I am because of him. He has impacted my life significantly.

Last year, for his 80th birthday, my brother gave him the gift of writing His Own Story. I'm not sure exactly the format - but my understanding is that dad is supposed to write the story of himself and when finished, the company that my brother purchased this gift from will then edit and format it so it can be published.

I asked my dad how that project of writing his own story was coming along.

I knew better than to expect a black or white response. But hope springs eternal, right? *wink wink*

I knew the answer I would receive wouldn't be "fine" or "great" or even "not so hot." It wouldn't be laconic or concise. It would start a conversation, and I frequently enjoy our conversations!

Our discussion traversed many roads, side tracks, squirrels and shiny objects. He challenged me that if I am really interested in what his story is, that I would invest my time in writing my own story to add to his. That I would put together my thoughts on the significance of the people, his people, in my life that I only had because of him (meaning his family) and add to "The Story." *in my head I am arguing the validity of his statement that adding my story to his is the only way to show my interest.

As expected, I didn't get a definitive answer. And that's okay. I know he has put together 50+ pages of his maternal family's history with pictures. I know he's been using ancestry websites (the free ones). I know he struggles with the variety of aspects of perspectives he can write from - so many choices! 

Does he write from his experiences as a father?
As a recovering alcoholic?
Does he just relay the facts like a timeline, without the 'whys and wherefores' that led to the decisions and choices he made?
Does he then share the outcomes that were the result of these choices? 

I said something about focusing on one tree, rather than the forest. 

When I said that, I smiled and admitted that I share his tendencies. I am definitely my father's daughter in that I overthink, want things to be perfect (perfectionism leads to procrastination), live in my head a lot, don't speak or think or write in bullet points, enjoy analyzing people and contemplating "how and why we are who we are and what makes us that way?" I too want to help others to be the best self they can be, and have incredibly high standards and expectations of myself and others.

There is a lot to unpack from our one-hour conversation... lots of stuff! My dad is, and I think has always been, looking for meaning. Significance. Instead of asking at the dinner table to each of his children, "what'd you learn in school today?" or "How was school?" ~ he'd ask, "What was the most significant thing that happened to you today?"

For me, answering "what is the most" kinds of questions is agony. I have trouble prioritizing. Which is something he brought up to me in the context of goals. My heart was slightly bruised by the judgement I heard when he said to me that he's heard me say hundreds of times "One of my goals is ..." Which led to him to telling me that Focus is the recipe for success*. My reply to his telling me that my life is living proof of what unfocused looks like, was that he was 'talking to the Carrie of 20 years ago.' He asked me what changed and I said, "Acceptance. Self-acceptance."

He was quiet, then shifted the conversation to more advice, that he believes all of his children would benefit from Al-Anon, despite the fact that I didn't live with him/them full time.

*Where's my "Atta-girl!"? Acceptance of Myself has been "the thing" we've probably talked about the most and he's encouraged me and inspired me and loved me through. 

But because I'm not around as often, and probably don't call as much as I think about calling, want to call and/or should call... he only sees my life and growth in the slices of time he's given.

I'm frustrated. Frustrated when he told me that I "wouldn't be interested in reading anything about" his life. Frustrated that he thinks it is egotistical to think that anyone would be interested in knowing more about his life.

Frustrated with myself that I haven't written (blogged) regularly on Wednesdays like I promised myself I would. A long while ago!

Frustrated that he doesn't think his life is worth writing down and sharing with us.

Frustrated that I can't help.

Frustrated that I believe I understand as much as I do about where his thinking has got him in this project and why he's stuck. *rueful laugh

No, I'm not 80 and don't understand  a l l  of it, obviously. 

At the heart of this conversation (and really, most of our conversations over the weekend) was his deep belief, conviction, really ~ that the world revolves around me. The universal ME. 

By that I mean: All of our lives, our experiences, our perspectives... it's always going to revolve around me. Me as the individual - that our human kind experience is self-centered, how everything we do and how we make decisions and choices comes down to self. You do what You do for You. I do what I do for Me. She does what She does for Herself. They do what They do for Themself (wow, that's not confusing just a bit).

I'm frustrated that I didn't remember to say to him the performer's motto ~ Think Of Your Audience. For performing artists we have to remember to take ourselves out of the equation and think of who we are sharing with, who is our audience; for whom are we performing? While it is true in my own experience that I love performing... sure for others but really I do it for me... I also know that the most significant (there's that word again) experiences for audience-members happen when the person - the self - of the performer is lost in the character, the music or the song.

And this is just the beginning of the unpacking. There's so much I left out of this first writing that transpired in our exchange. It's a process. This writing thing. There's a lot of unfinished thoughts here. Incomplete conclusions, perhaps a bit muddy. Ha! They're a bit cloudy for me, too! It leaves room for future posts, future conclusions, future stories.

Luckily, my van, suitcases and bags are unpacked (lol!).

*success. Each of us is going to define that differently. Oh goodie. Another topic :-).

And for what it's worth: I see lots of goals as optimistic. Forward-looking. Hopeful. And it's okay if some of them fall away. As we change, our goals will change. Go with it. Or better still... GROW with it! Letting go of old ideas can be painful. Hard. Really Hard. But having bright and shiny new ideas and thoughts and goals... well, that helps me keep my sunny side up!

My Month So Far

A long, boring post of what I've done since the beginning of October, 2014. I'm so distracted in the clutter and being overwhelmed, I just thought I'd list, rather than create. But, it is in the spirit of trying to write more regularly... which I've been horribly irregular about, here's my month so far:

10/1 - Met a friend at the Good Egg for 8am breakfast and to receive the goodies from my Origami Owl party (held on 9/21) to give to my friends who bought some pretty jewelry goodies! I've known this gal since my second time around at American Airlines Reservations employment (SWRO). She and I went through the coaching program together, and she's still working for them! At home, but still... I admire that tenacity!

10/2 - Haircut... I thought I was going to let my hair grow into a shaped bob, but can't deal with that right now... I started this day with writing down goals for the next week... taking time to write a "To Do List" and timing how long that took (7 minutes)... how long it would take to follow my Social Media plan (started with 15 minutes, but it went into 1 hour - and from what I've done today, I need to have a Serious Chat with myself about how I work this into my business plan... because days go by and I do nothing else). I wrote down a huge list of things to do, and I got some stuff done (like organizing tickets to the Tucson Desert Harmony October 18th Cabaret Show and getting my table of 8 guests done). I did talk to my tax guy, who advised - "Every time you take out your wallet and pay for something, write it down." He also suggested paying 20% of my Real Estate pay (commission checks) to the IRS every. single. check.  Which I think is a good idea for me. I think I spent a lot of time organizing my friends and groups in Facebook...
I texted a friend from ARC, talked to another friend about voice lessons for her daughter.

10/3 - I worked a lot on the Facebook messages about starting out in Real Estate. I received a possible lead. I worked on my personal excel spreadsheet of people I know, and how I can get their information to add to my RE Contact Management System. I did laundry. I sorted my "To Do List" A1, A2 etc...  I did start something for my first Open House which was held 10/5.

10/4 - Followed up with the potential lead from the Facebook Message, researched some house stuff. Had a long conversation with my mentor person about the Open House, changed my voicemail message.  Went to a friend's and picked up a few things that I ordered from Stampin' Up. That night himself and I watched "Life of Pi" and "Lincoln" ~ I enjoyed both movies quite a bit. I made lists of what to bring to the Open House.

10/5 - went to the College Class for church, grabbed some donuts and left, since the Open House started at 1pm. I called AT&T about my phone Hotspot, which they refreshed, or whatever, and it now works. The Open House was very educational. I have so much to learn. Potential leads - can't buy a house until January, not sure how often to contact, but did put them in the CRM for RE and sent out one email.

10/6 - Went to the RE Office and the "Map to Success" they have for the new agents. Made Zombie Finger Breadsticks for the Bunco that night (I was subbing).

10/7 - Office Meeting in the morning, met a friend for lunch at Chipotle, went back to the office for the tour of Procedures from the Office Administrator, who has been around for 20 years. (Which reminds me I need to do some serious thank you notes!) I deposited a check to the bank for show tickets. I wrote down in my "write everything down" notebook that I need to focus on [1] aspect of Real Estate a week to LEARN. Contracts (there are a bunch, so one week = Contracts and break it down to individual buyers, sellers, addendums, cures, etc...), Home Warranties, MLS etc.

10/8 - I started losing track of the days/dates on this day... I was supposed to go up and preview the house for the Open House tomorrow (Sunday, 10/12) - but it rained and my friend who lives up there had a hard time getting home, so I was thwarted. I don't think I left the house. But I did shower and dress as if I was. This is huge for me (!) This day was a 3 (quite bad) on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the best. I broke down and had a crying jag. Just so completely overwhelmed with new career, messy house, so many things I want to accomplish. I ran out of pages in my "write everything down" notebook and well, basically Lost the Plot. I started watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix, and had a mini-fest. My brain needed the break... but this cycle needs to stop.

10/9 - Was on the phone for a while with a couple of different people - one called me for computer help, which is flattering. Another I called with a question about dues for my Tucson Chorus. Discussed branding and Message for this chorus, and how we really have to take our vibrant and fun hobby to a less-retired age group. I met another ARC friend at Starbucks and caught up on some of the goings on there...

10/10 - REBarCamp from 8 to 3 (I left earlier) - a whole day networking and going to break out sessions focused on Social Media and Technology in the field of Real Estate. Free food... goodies (pens, pads of paper, t-shirts, bags) and lots of new business cards. I have a new Facebook friend, and learned that I want to download and use Evernote. It was a good day, but I really struggle with mass networking like that. *REBarCamp - Real Estate BarCamp - BarCamp is such unhelpful name to understand what a great thing this is. "BarCamp is an international network of user-generated conferences primarily focused around technology and the web. They are open, participatory workshop-events, the content of which is provided by participants...The format has also been used for a variety of other topics, including public transit, health care, education, and political organizing. The BarCamp format has also been adapted for specific industries like banking, education, real estate and social media." (wikipedia) Himself and I went to dinner to one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow, with some friends, and had a great night. We came home and then watched Bones, then Criminal Minds. Went to bed pretty early.

Long Post!

So that is what I did. I feel like the list of what I didn't do far far supersedes anything I did. I've been tweeting more @hav2sing is my Twitter handle.

There is no wrap-up or conclusion. It is today, and I have to start a new "write everything down" notebook, put my mileage and receipts together, pay some bills, finish laundry, etc.

If Life Were Simple...

Inspired by Courtney Carver's Blogpost...

"Instead of choosing what was simple, I chose what was easy and created a complicated life." ~ Courtney Carver

I've been saying this for a long time, but the sentence above resonated with strength... What I've said has always been "It may be simple, but that doesn't mean it is easy."

I've taken the easy way out so many times. Too many unfiltered thoughts bouncing around in my head to be able to share specifics cohesively. Another day, I hope.
* * *

Today was the 2nd Day of my 3rd week of C25K.

And I was struggling. I was a day late (Tuesday instead of Monday), and my hip was sort of twinge-y, and my knee was better than two weeks ago, but still not happy.  I didn't run the last 3 minutes of the running portion - I was walking 2.5 mph.  I'm okay with that. I'm happy I got on the treadmill, and did it. Yesterday I wanted to give myself a break during Real Estate Studying... but I didn't. I think that's why my back was sore, too.  I just was really, really struggling with the whole thing today.  It wasn't easy... but it was simple.
* * *

Knowing what you don't want...

... is just as important as knowing what you want, if not one of the best ways to figure out what you want... if you're like me... and want it all.

"I want it all
There’s a rise up to the heights
And then a ball
I want it all
Don’t try to tell me that I can’t have my drama
And be a mother who is also a motha’
I wanna know that I can find inside me anyone I need
I wanna be Donna Mckechnie, Donna Summer, Donna Reed
I wanna be Margaret Sanger, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mead
I want it all
I want it all
I want to find a way to break through every wall
I want it all"

[excerpt of lyrics from "I Want It All" from the musical, "Baby"]

The challenge - get rid of enough clutter and "other" so I can focus on what is really important.

There are some blogs, which, after reading, I feel incredibly guilty, depressed and 'not good enough' or 'I'll never attain that' - some of them I have listed on my blog, because I truly need to minimize, simplify and declutter, and they have insight and valuable things to say.

There are other simplification blogs that I follow and adore, which, after reading, I feel inspired and motivated and cheerful and have an "I can do this" feeling.

I want to be the latter kind of blogger.

This blog has been pretty unfocused - unpredictable - and super unorganized. I had hoped that 2013 would be the year that I would be able to reduce... both my size and my stuff. Instead, I traveled to a chorus 2-1/2 hours one-way up the road for 18 months in order to attain a goal I'd set for myself a long time ago. I achieved half of that goal. And have an International Silver Chorus Medal in Sweet Adelines. More and more I realize I can't do it all (anymore), and that 'something's gotta give.'

Scottsdale Chorus ~ Finals Package, Sweet Adelines International Contest & Convention, Honolulu 2013

How is this photo for some serious joy?

That is what the minimizing and decluttering will be about. What has to give. Clearing the spaces so I can think. Decide to do less.  Keep the Joy. Making difficult choices as I "hack away at the unessential." Remembering that this is a journey, and a transition, and it won't happen overnight, and a little bit each day is still a step forward in the right direction. Being kind to myself in the process.

Like Tammy Strobel at rowdykittens, I hope that regular blogging will improve my writing. I also really want to do the "photo a day" because I think that is just cool. And, maybe in the process, I can learn more about what my camera can do and what I can do with a camera. And in taking a photograph of a thing, I can be grateful for the time it was mine to possess, and with love, let it go.

“If you want to become full, let yourself be empty.” ~ Tao Te Ching

Sunny and Cold!

Earlier today was Sunny and Cold... my favorite! Sunny blue skies, and crispy outside air!

We hit a low of 28 F degrees last night, and tonight they're predicting 20 (!) This is very cold for SE Arizona... taps running through the night, and my little space heater in my studio going all day today.

I'm so very grateful for my little space heater, and the kettle that keeps the hot beverages coming!

I'm hacking away at my "unessential" stamps and crafting supplies.  Yes, *laugh* I understand that none of it is essential, in the actual definition of the word. But I'm de-cluttering a little at a time, and I'm feeling really good about how much I've done today.

The empty containers on the right are what I've emptied and put into plastic bags... I'm giving one of the pink/green ones to the 5 people from my work, because having something to put your things in is important. *wink!*

There are some folks at work who might appreciate 'free stuff', so I'm putting things in bags for them... then putting other stamps in a couple larger bags to take to work (and possibly other places where I know people who might be interested...) to let them go through and choose what else they might like ~ and himself has a place at his work where people bring things to get rid of.... so what I have left over will go to his work.

My goal is to get my stamps and "other crafting supplies" into one (very tall Ikea) bookshelf, and more things on the peg board. I think I'm going to have to be brutal, and say "if it doesn't fit in the bookcase, then it has to go out the door." *sniff*

The scrapbooking and memorabilia can be in in another area of the studio for the time being. I've done a lot with paring down my possessions there already, but I have more to do.  Mainly - get 'er done! Get the years of stuff I've collected into albums.

I look on the shelves and my original "Keep 5 sets plus music and celtic stamps" statement was optimistic.  When you see what I'm getting rid of, it is far more than what I'm keeping... but still - I'm keeping at least 19 known "sets" plus 15 containers of 'Other' Stamps. So, I still have quite the stash.

I'm not quite finished organizing the final "homes" for the stamps... and almost all have labels, though not all the labels are visible... that will change today! I ♥ labelling!!

I've decreased the amount of embossing powders, and still have the ink pads to go through.  I'll probably be keeping all but the oldest ink pads & pens. (Some of the Stampin' Up ink pads are from 1993!!)

The paper is another issue... I'm mostly keeping white and neutral (beige-family colors) cardstock for card bases.  I have quite a bit 8-1/2 X 11 scrapbooking paper, which can be used for cards.  I made the mistake a long time ago not getting ready of any paper than isn't "acid free" -- as it would be fine for cards. But I don't do cards enough to justify the space all the paper takes up.

I want to have my "stamping and crafting" table empty by the end of today. This is a "During" Photo:

I actually made some space on the surface before taking the picture...

As I sit here and contemplate all the "Stuff" that it takes to craft, I'm torn. I've spent most of the day whittling down this stuff, and not spent any time at all on music.  And I say music is my passion. Music is certainly my gift, and performing ~ well, there is nothing like it in the world.

I'm not sure I have the words to express what I'm not exactly sure I'm feeling at the moment.

As Usual...

... I'm making what I think should be a joyful process of discovery into something much more complicated. This is what we get for having preconceived ideas, I guess.  Each of our processes is different... give myself some grace.

And yet....I keep coming to the same conclusions... and that just hacks me off.

I want to do it all.

Right now.

Instantly.

No Process, thank you. Instant Gratification Only -- (says the inner 6 year-old stamping her foot.)
* * *

Some good things have come out of this most recent mind-f***.
I think. 

Definitely some clarification after the massive ball of hurt and pain recedes.

Why oh WHY does it have to hurt to grow?  Do we hear the plants moaning and groaning as they make their way from seed to sprout to flower? Nooooo.... just us whiny humans.

hrmph.

end of whining (for today).
* * *

Anything that distracts me from Health & Fitness and Music (singing) is distraction.

I'm considering thoroughly what brings me ACTUAL happiness, not things that I think make me happy... if you think about it, there are definite differences between the two ideas.

ACTUALLY HAPPY LIST:

• Having a pet (dog!)
• Spending time with people who love me in the way I want (need?) to be loved.
• Spending time with people I love.
• Singing/Performing in a quartet (small group?). A good group. With people I have fun with.
• Performing theatrics with an ensemble (stage/theatre, chorus, quartet)
• Giving (giving cards, giving hand-made items, seeing things that I think people would like and getting it for them...)
• Looking at photograph albums/memory books
• Teaching/Sharing things I know with others who are interested in it.
• Labelled Things. I love labelling and "Being Organized." With lots of colors - paper and pens.
• Pizza
• Cookies

The I-THINK-IT-MAKES-ME-HAPPY-BUT-IT-ONLY-REALLY-BRINGS-ME-STRESS LIST:

• Making cards (fun, and I like doing it once in awhile, on a small scale, but will keep 5 sets, music and celtic and some meaningful quotes/sayings, some pre-folded cards and envelopes, and some colored paper... and a few other tools, but will pare down considerably!)
• Scrapbooking (in the way I have... photos and looking at albums with stories/journalling brings me actual happiness, so I need to pare down the 'tools' and get back to basics!)
• DIY - Doing It Yourself. Love looking at things people can do, love to think "I can do that!" (and I can), but the realistic-actually-DOING-it-part... ummmm.... not so much. I'm talking painting, decorating, hanging stuff on the walls, creating my personal space... I like the *idea* but not the follow-through.
• Being part of "the inside group" - be it the "Management Team" or "The Board" or "The XYZ Group"... I like being 'in the know' but not on the inside.

 * * *

HACK AWAY AT THE UNESSENTIAL.

PERFECT IS THE ENEMY OF GOOD.

ANYTHING THAT DISTRACTS ME FROM HEALTH & FITNESS and SINGING/MAKING MUSIC/IMPROVING MY CRAFT IS DISTRACTION.

* * *

I like the photo a day thing - I find it is helping with some of the clarifying. I don't have to do every. single. day.

I will try, and I will falter. And that is okay.

Prompt for today was "T" ~ so I thought of representing my Bravvo Productions Tour! 1992, a small van carried 4 people and pulled a trailer and we sang and danced and improv'd our way up and down the east coast from Key Largo to Boston. Best decision I ever made was to quit my job and do this for 3 months. Money was awful, but the experience was fabulous. Can't believe it was 21 years ago!

* * *
So.... new habits on the horizon.
Decrease is the word.
Goal: To Live My Passion
Action.

Action vs Distraction

I put in my Gratitude Jar today ... "I am thankful for the internet (and all that it has exposed me to)."

I met my husband online, of course... he's one major thing I'm thankful for. But besides himself, I was thinking about all the sub-cultures that now have a voice and an audience because of the internet.  And that some people are incredible visionaries... and that they take action on their vision.

* * *

This year I will take action on a vision. As of yet this vision is blurry. It is brightly-colored, and full of glitter and glistening dew in the morning... it is being looked at through a filter, which makes it very soft-focused.  I spent some time really thinking about what course of action I want to take this year - and while the road is extremely wide, and meandering still a bit, it is going in a single (if albeit a scenic) direction.

I wasn't feeling very good today, and I left work early and came home to sit in my recliner with a heating pad and the Netbook, with HGTV on the telly, and snooze if I needed to. I re-discovered a fascination I've had for a few years: the Tiny House Movement.

In my internet travels this afternoon ~ in and amongst the tiny house websites and blogs, I came across this quote,

"What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it."

wow, huh?

Follow up questions:

1. What is valuable enough in my life that I would exchange a part of my life for it?
2. Who are the people that are valuable enough in my life to spend it with?
3. If something isn't worth this gift of a day, then what, instead, should it be replaced with?

My frustration with me is that my answers change. Daily. My feelings drag me around by the nose, and *look! Shiny!!* is a huge distraction and pulls me off in another direction altogether. (My love/hate with the internet and all the distractions links is a topic for another post!)

BUT -- I found a great question to ask myself as I go through and try to simplify my collection(s) of stuff... "If I were going to live in a tiny house... would this item stay or go?"  It isn't asking me if I love it, or if it is useful, or some of the other emotional questions that cause me distraction instead of action. It is straightforward, it has 'hacked away the unessential.'

* * *

Photo Day 3 (hearts) and Photo Day 4 (The View From Here)

Looking at my collection of Heart Stamps helped
me downsize my stamps! 3 sets and a couple of loose
ones... Very Proud!

This is a Gratitude Jar with one slip of 'Gratitude-ness' already in it...
In this Jar I will also put notes about great
things that happened (since I will, of course, be grateful for great things that
happen... ;-) ). My view today needed vision, and I'm visioning 2013 as a year of
things that I know I will be thankful for. And a Full Jar by the end
of the year to look back on.

 * * *

Decreasing
I have a bag of tops and some jewelry and a pair of shoes (never, ever worn) in a bag to give away. I'm struggling with keeping it until the Chorus Rummage Sale (March, I think), or just taking it to Goodwill Now!

* * *

One more thought for the day... What makes you happy? Not what you think makes you happy... what actually brings happiness to you?

My answers surprised me.

I can feel the bones in my knees...

... and in my shoulders.

And Yes, I can see my collar bones. This is really, really cool.

I'm still REALLY struggling with the next 48 lbs and the journey that will take me on.

I have a feeling it is gonna be tough.  But I can do it.

Today was a crap day at work.  I love my team, and enjoy working with the people I work with on a daily basis. But the frustration of bureaucracy is getting worse incrementally... and I don't have a healthy way to deal with stress, really.

Gotta get my walk on.

Day 365!

1 Year.

I've done something consistently... for an entire year.

This is possible.

While I'm kicking myself when I'm down; and inner nag is shamelessly shouting a truckload of negative not-niceties... this is a wonderful thing to remember... to stick my head up out of the mire of those bad days... and wave my middle finger and say... "I did it! I did it once, I can do it again!" And like this awesome article at Livestrong says...

Approach this year’s goals with your eyes wide open. Have hope. Be an optimist. And believe that ANYTHING is possible. And then tell yourself that when you get knocked down, you will pick yourself back up.

Every. Single. Time.

Do it for your family. Do it for your friends. Do it for the people you love. And most importantly: Do it for you.

Key Words: Every. Single. Time.


In case I miss that bit.


I thought this quote from the article was insightful, too...

When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe that’s when you’ll achieve your goals.

There's a lot of things I didn't do... this is true.  But if I were to gather up 100 lbs and try to drag it around with me every day, doing every-day-things... I think I'd quickly wake up to the fact that it has been an incredible, amazing, Awesome-in-a-Big-God-Who-Created-The-World kind of AWESOME way year.

Remember, myself... to accept yourself for all that you are, and all that you have been (!), and all the in-between that is you.

* * *

I have a splitting headache - only something like 3 hours of sleep last night - interrupted sleep at that with dog acting up... himself not settling... himself's earphones so loud listening to music that I couldn't settle, either... 

* * *

A big list of 'to-do' -- if I would just do two of them, I'd be happier with me.

Here's me... just doing it.

Day 363 of Medifast - Happy 2012

New Year has always been hard for me... How did I do? What do I want to do? The whip comes out and it is a week before and after the first day of a New Year that I punish myself repeatedly over all the things from which I fell short. Painful.

Yesterday was no exception. I went to church - (YAY!! A good start to a new year!!) and had a lovely lunch at one of my favorite local restaurants, The Blue Willow (where, as it turns out, was about the only place I did any Christmas Shopping for this year) - with my good friend T, and had a delicious Mushroom, Spinach & Cheese omelet with sauteed veggies on the side... seriously yummy!! After that, I had time to myself, and the swirling little nags that whisper in my ear began.

There's been a choice I've been thinking about making... thinking for a long long while... about a road that I've been debating turning down... that absolutely would disrupt my life completely -- and yesterday, after being able to vent and talk a little about it to my other good friend; and some more time spent in thought and debate inside my own head this morning... when I finally prayed about it this morning as I was drinking coffee and eating my MF Brownie outside in the gorgeous sunshine -- and in probably one of the fastest answers to a prayer I've ever had ...I have, I think, finally internalized the gratitude attitude that is essential in keeping those of us prone to the trenches of depression, OUT of that downward spiraling rut...  and that serving others is what we are created for.

Making drastic changes externally doesn't change the inner voices and thoughts -- I'm still the same person regardless of my surroundings... to change our thoughts... that takes a discipline that I know exists, but as of yet I've not been able to be consistent with achieving. Disrupting my life wouldn't make it easier... it would just be another distraction to take me off the painful truth I have to face in my own self.  I'm not saying I'm a bad person... just that it is difficult to acknowledge places where I lack, and that my anger toward others is  because I see in them something I hate about myself.

Love myself = Love others.

I Am Enough... They Are Enough.

Judging Others really means I'm Judging Myself... and no one here on earth has any right to judge me, even me!

I think... no, I know (!)... my focus has been off. I've been incredibly selfish in my thoughts and actions this year -- some might say it was required in order to stay on the Medifast Path. I have 48 pounds to go. To be more honest - I weighed in at 236.2 this morning.  234.6 is the weight on my scale that needs to show 100 pounds lost. So as of today, I really have 50 more pounds to lose. I go up to MF this Saturday, the 7th... so I have this week to focus on losing those two pounds, and if I do some exercise (which I did *not* do early this morning - but the day isn't over yet), perhaps I could be down 1 more pound.

Well... Tuesday will be a year of Medifast, and the reasons I overeat are still here. I still feel the emotional pain, the anger that I quell with sugar (it may be dark chocolate now, but it is still not the healthiest way to deal with discomfort and/or anger) and the constant frustration at not being enough. But as I said in the previous post. Enough is Enough.  And I AM Enough.

It is Now Time to approach myself without judgement... and to focus on doing what I can to lighten a burden, and make someone else's journey that much more pleasant. 

* * *

3rd FB Post of 2012: Focus

Less Time on Facebook... More Time reconnecting.
[i.e., set the timer and stop when timer goes off - make a phone call, create a card and write a real note!]

Less Time feeling bad over all the things I've not done or accomplished... More Time acknowledging efforts made and awareness of success (even small successes like remembering to set the 15 minute timer for an unpleasant chore).
[Get back to writing in a journal/blogging on a daily basis with daily gratitude]

More Water... Less Coffee (more herbal tea).
[32 oz water before leaving the house for the day... makes 64 oz a day much easier!]

More Focus on others... Less Focus on *me me me* (could use some prayers and positive thoughts on this one... it is a challenge for this only child ;-).
[Meaning for 2012 I think is "what can I do today that will make someone else's day easier/better/cheerier/more blessed/more fun/positive?"]

More Walking... Less Sitting
[There are 23 - 1/2 hours to sleep and work and do the other things... 30 minutes every day of walking is a priority]

More Prayer... Less Mindless Television (Ummmm.... Downton Abbey is not mindless... right? ;-)
[Self-explanatory]

Day 331 -- Feeling Emotions

Ben @ Ben Does Life said it best on 11/29...

When things go bad... and when things go good...

go read it.

* * *

I've been crying on and off the past 4 days -- the emotional magnitude of what it means to have lost 100 lbs... it is huge. And I'm really slow at processing.  And even slower putting words to the emotions that I have no words for... difficult to express oneself when no words can be found.  So, tears let it out in the meantime -- most are happy, some I think are grief and regret... but those are short-lived, and the feeling of being ON the mountaintop returns and erases the old crap thinking/feeling, and a certainty of validation in myself that it is possible, and certainly if *I* can do it -- this thing is possible.

Totally, incredibly, challengingly possible.

48 more to go. Still a bit of a climb, but wonderfully possible.

End-of-Tunnel Light -- straight up ahead.

* * *
ETA: Nothing is done alone. I couldn't have done this alone. Life is about helping each other... Relationship.
I'm without-words grateful to my step-father & mom for making this financially possible, my own himself for being supportive both emotionally and financially as well.

Day 225

At Medifast yesterday I was down 2.5 lbs for a total of 88 lbs down.  While I was only down 2 lbs over two weeks, my body scan showed that I have lost 7 lbs of body fat.  The walking 6 miles a week is helping!!

This morning on MY scale I saw a new number ~ 244.8.  Discussion with my MF counselor yesterday was focused on ... staying focused. Journalling. Making a plan of eating for the week... and I promised to get back to blogging every day -- putting this BACK on top of the priority plan.

Yes, life has things coming at us all the time, things which want to move us [DISTRACT!] from one direction to another... things that look more fun, or look like a better idea "in the long run," or... in my case... "Look! Shiny!" And before we know it, we've stopped the good habits we're trying to build.

And while I'm giving myself grace and forgiveness when I stumble for a time... that doesn't mean that my Health/Fitness actions move from the number #1 spot in my priority plan/schedule for the day, week, month, year, decade... LIFE!!

And God needs to be overall, in all goals, in all actions, in all plans... and I've lost sight of how helpful it is to take time every day to just "Be Still and know that He Is God" -- to release my worries, my stresses, my anxiousness to Him. 

As the Fabulous Renee Porzel said last weekend about chorus members on the risers... "[the director/choreographer's directions] release us from having an opinion."  ~ I think this relates fabulously to God and what He wants for us... His desire for us to follow Christ... (and the "Plan for Life" that is called the Bible) releases us from having to think about it.  Being obedient actually does give us a bit of freedom.

And this works for food, for exercise, for studying... just being obedient to the plan you're following, without argument, without cajoling, without bargaining... simplicity at its finest, really.

Ah... easier said than done, but what a good reminder for me today.

A number of years ago I lost 25 lbs doing the Weigh Down Workshop (Gwen Shamblin).  I think the foundation of the program (eat when you're hungry, stop when you're satisfied... and when you want to eat from any other reason other than fuel and energy for the body, then turn to God and His Word to fill that emotional hole.) is sound, though I think there was too much guilt, and then the program lost its way when her church started up (!)... ANYWAY... my point was -- Finding Freedom in Obedience was a mainstay of the philosophy, and 'being released' from having to argue or have an opinion is extremely freeing.
* * *

Yesterday was very busy... 4 hours on the road to Chandler... met my mom & step-dad for a brief visit and coffee after the MF appointment... then Craft Class (Fragrance Diffusers)... then picked up the soap we made in July... then dinner with a good friend... then home to my cute hubby and catching up on Project Runway.
* * *

My friend's been a widow 3 years today... I can't believe it has been 3 years since that tragic bicycle accident that took away the life of a vibrant, energetic, God-loving, enthusiastic, intelligent, oreo-cookie-loving husband, father & grandfather.

We never know what the day will bring.  It just reminds me again of what is important -- people and relationships -- not objects and possessions.

One More Thought...

"Order is Heaven's First Law." ~ Alexander Pope

I've started with getting my body & health in order... my mind should be following along closely... but I'm not sure about that ~ so I need to pay more attention.

Really getting rid of stuff isn't about the stuff.  I really like Peter Walsh, and am thinking I should take a trip to Bookman's and use my Bookman's Store Credit to see if there are any Peter Walsh books there.

This page on Oprah's site has some good stuff. I really like the last Q/A about completing the cycle... and that we all think we are 8 year olds thinking someone is going to clean up after us.  I'm so very extraordinarily guilty of that... and so is my wonderful himself.

"A lot of clutter is a lack of acceptance that a moment has passed. Maybe someone has kept all her college English papers because she wanted to be a writer, but she never put in the time and energy to make it happen." ~ Peter Walsh

Can we say, "Ah- HA!"

Day 209

What an icky week last week!

Yesterday was MF weigh in day... and I was up 2lbs from the last weigh in ~ still down 86 lbs, however.  On my scale at home in the two weeks between MF weigh ins I was 253 to 247; then I was up two lbs on Saturday morning... after being very careful about what I ate on Friday... I was extremely good, in other words! Then, when I stepped on my scale yesterday morning, I was up 2 flippin' lbs.... So yesterday... I wasn't careful... I had TWO of the really yummy MF bars (Caramel Nut Maintenance Bars with 22 g of carbs each), probably two soy snacks, one bag of the new "Cheese Pizza" Flavored snack meals, and 3 regular bars... with grilled chicken w/ non-fat cheese on a bed of spinach for dinner.  I had one piece of pepperoni picked off a friend's pizza (which I knew wouldn't hurt)... I had a ton of carbonated 'free' water ( http://www.lacroixwater.com ) and didn't have my vitamins. I didn't exercise on Thursday (more on why in a minute).

And today....? DOWN 2 lbs (!?!)

Another lesson on not watching the scales, I suppose... :D

Actually, I'm not really upset, angry or even that frustrated.  Mystified, perhaps *wink wink.* I'm a little frustrated with some other things going on, but the weight loss and my efforts  here are fine.  86 lbs in 30 weeks...not bad!! I'm feeling the trousers I bought not that long ago getting much looser, and clothes that friends are donating to my cause are fitting!  I'm putting some much-loved-and-recently-purchased tops in a bag to donate and give away... so I know I'm still on the right track!!

I do want to hit that 100 lbs in time for the Rockin' Party I'm planning on October 15... so I need to re-focus my energy and efforts and commitment to health each and every day.  Sometimes I let the other stuff take precedence....  For Example:

Chorus ~
Next weekend (August 5th) is the Double Quartet Contest for Region 21 during "Camp Agave" ~ our Summer Educational Seminar weekend in Tempe.  Renee Porzel, Sweet Adeline extraordinaire Showmanship judge, choreographer and Assistant Director to the amazing Melodeers Chorus in the Chicago area is coming to share with us her talents and insights regarding thinking outside the box for character, movement and energy on the risers.  Of course, I'm just as if not more excited about participating/competing the Double Quartet Contest... The group I 'm singing with are all dynamos and really talented (including my own quartet members)... and we're sounding really good.

I'm not sure if we're truly "Golden Banana" worthy... knowing my good friend is working with two other DQs in the Phoenix area and what talent (funny stuff) they're capable of gives me my doubts, but we'll sure be ringing some chords, and THAT is so much fun in and of itself.

That being said, last year's contest seemed to have made some changes to the 'good singing' aspect of the contest... it isn't just about being funny... the most entertaining is the criteria --- and to be entertaining you need to sing pretty darn good!

So... extra rehearsals for DQ have been in my life the past couple of weeks... Regular QT rehearsals and stuff that goes on there... Chorus Rehearsals... Chorus Board Meetings... Chorus Music Team Meetings... and then there's the Show Committee of which I'm a part... Meetings for that... along with things I'm supposed to be doing (I'm doing the program layout, and tickets). I've even dropped some responsibilities, believe it or not!  I'm in charge of putting stuff on the Chorus Website (just a bit longer on that one, as a new web-based communication tool is in the works).

SIDENOTE: As I'm writing today, I'm sitting in the living room easy-couch, hubby is watching TV, and I've got my earphones on, listening to classical music... Mozart, to be specific.  If it has words, I'm easily distracted, so non-word music is best for me when I'm trying to do anything that requires creativity... otherwise I start typing the words I'm hearing in the song.  But right now, the Trio from Cosi Fan Tutte is playing, "Soave sia il vento" -- and reminds me of the time in college when we did scenes from Cosi, and the singing Trio is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. In college we did it in English, and I sang the Mezzo (harmony), and the translation words are really beautiful ~ we ended up singing it for a wedding. Opera: Much more fun to sing than you'd think ;-)  AND -- Mozart's comic operas are a great way to start!

Back to regular blogging:

Other things going on:
Moving of my Craft/Music Studio... still very much in progress.  I'm deeply overwhelmed, at least I was yesterday. Today is better.  Hubby and I were supposed to be going out at 10am to go fishing... it is 10:20 am, I'm dressed and teeth brushed, he's still very much watching mindless tv.  Not sure what we'll do. Normally I'm not in the house on a Sunday, so I hope to do a little more moving of things, or crafting today.  Catching up with a super long blog post (long overdue!) is certainly a good thing :-)

Future Plans:
100 lb party!! I wanted to do something to commemorate this significant milestone ~ something creative with a gathering of people... and himself came up with a great idea! We'll have guests bring X lbs of food (number of guests X number of lbs to = 100 lbs) and we'll load me up with 100 lbs of food, take some pictures, then donate the food to the Tucson Community Food Bank. Cool Idea, dontcha think? :D

So... 14 lbs to go until I've lost 100 lbs.  WOWZA!!!!  Can we say Happy Dancin' Here?!?!?!

Himself also expressed interest in doing MediFast... we need to talk about it some more, and our new treadmill arrived and is set up in the eating area facing the tv -- it has a built in fan & speakers, with a plug for the mp3 player -- and so yay! He has plans to walk 15 minutes in the am, 30 minutes in the pm, building up to eventually an hour 1/2 a day (I think that was his plan).

Work:
Three weeks at the new position... had to do a lot of time on the phones this last week, as lots of our team were out.  I ended up going home early on Wednesday as I felt really shaky, sort of dizzy, and had a weird upper stomach (diaphram-ish area) cramping going on. I think I had too many aspartame mints the day before (was VERY hungry on Tuesday and didn't bring enough water with lemon), and plus it was day one of Girl Week, and I'd not slept very well... all things combined to make me feel just awful.  I came home and slept from 9am until 2pm... then sat around and watched tv and did nothing. Felt ooky... that sort of hollow, empty feeling after you've been sick and are feeling better, but still kind of vacant...? Thursday was 98% improved, and by Friday I was good.

Our team is hopefully having a great weekend and we'll make goal for the month.  We're really really really close!!! The new team manager (whom I work with and report to) is really a good, fair and objective guy, and I think it is showing in the team by our better numbers.

IF (when) we make goal, I promised to make my CONTEST-WINNING lasagna.  Thursday was National Lasagna day (really? July is the month they choose to have a national Lasagna Day??!?!), so the Call Center put up a sign-up sheet to have a "Best Lasagna" contest... my recipe comes from my Aunt Marilyn, and my mom's been making it and receiving loads of compliments since I can remember... so I signed up! I made it in Scotland and people loved it, so I figured it was worth a try... and IT WON!!! WOOT WOOT!!! $25 gift-certificate to the Olive Garden was the prize, which I'm donating to the Chorus Raffle Basket for the Show in November "Flavors of the World" -- yay!!


So... hope anyone who comes over to read is feeling a little caught up on my life! It has been a bit of a ramble through my brain, and hope it mostly makes sense ;-)

I'm still trying VERY hard to remember to think about exercise differently... to make fitness and health challenges met and overcome as rewarding as seeing the scale move down!

Seriously... I need to start working out with the resistance bands in August for my arms. The arm wings are really gross.

We've talked about joining a gym (I really want a pool, and lean toward the YMCA that isn't far away), since himself's work won't be helping to pay for any more home exercise equipment, but they'll contribute to a gym membership.

Day 199!

A Photo is worth a thousand words...

Not Sure What Day It Is...

I lost focus last week... only lost 1 lb (but hey, it was a loss!)

Am posting pictures of what has been my focus the past 3 to 4 weeks...

 March, 2010

April, 2010

What My Craft/Music Room Used To Be...

Early 2011

Rascal Making His Inspection

May, 2011

Oooohhh.... Definite Progress! June, 2011

I've had help!! July, 2011

It is practically like I'm moving... there's still A LOT of stuff in the old room (which will become a guest room/workout room/ sewing room with lots of books in it!)... and a few things still in storage ~ which I hope to get out of storage this month... not sure where it will all go, yet.

I started walking again... now that my schedule is varied, but set.

Down 2 lbs this morning... and this week I think will be the 200th day on Medifast.

Will do a proper update/blog post this week.