Hydration Day

Today is August 9th, 2025. August 13th will be 6 months since himself passed away. August 15th will be 10 months since he suffered the massive left-brain stroke that changed my (our) life forever. 

I can't stop crying today. 

I can't stem the tide of tears that seem to be breaking down the wall... or rather, breaking through. Breaking through that wall I built to keep my emotions in check when he had his stroke. I had to create the wall because I had to deal with all the stuff. 

The hospital. 
The doctors. 
What they were telling me. 
How did I want to handle this, that and the other. 
What my next move needed to be. 
How was it going to be paid for. 
What was his long-term disability.
Social Security. 
What was it going to look like once he was in Rehab. 
Then what care-home did I have to find and how was I going to do that? 
How much was it going to cost? 
Himself himself... caring for him and trying to understand how much he actually understood and remembered. 

It was a lot. 

a lot.

I had tremendous support from my friends and family. Friends who had lost a spouse. Friends who grieved deeply over lost loved ones gone too soon. But they weren't able to do and be everything for me, with me... all the time. October 15th, 2024. I didn't know what I didn't know... ya know? So I held onto hope until January... when I realized, slowly, that he wasn't able to come back to even half of what/who he had been before. And that he didn't seem interested in even wanting to try. So the wall had to remain up - because there was Power of Attorney documents I needed to put in motion and have signed. Wills. Decisions. 

Again, I wouldn't have done as well as I did without so much love and support. Friends who came over to help me or just sit with me. Family who came to make a start on going through himself's stuff and clearing out clothing and more stuff.

I was a bit like Scarlett O'Hara in that, for much of the business of illness and then dying; I'd "deal with that tomorrow." Well, tomorrow is looming and all this internal chaos of grief, anger, depression, sadness... it's all having to come home internally and be accepted. So all that emotion is coming out in sobs, in body-heaving tears. It's messy. 

I've had days like this in the last 6 months, but today feels different.

I am worried that I'm going to be alone until I die. 

I am worried that I won't find someone who'll love me "as is" like himself did. 

No, it wasn't a perfect marriage, I wanted more emotional fulfillment and I was depressed and frustrated and angry with how we were living our lives in the last 10-15 years of our relationship. But we counted on each other. He was my anchor. We made our lives better/easier for each other because we were partners. I trusted him. 

I am worried that I won't have the courage to leave the shore. To change my life and follow my dream.

Now there's no one but me, when it comes right down to it. And yes, himself left me in a comfortable position - for awhile. There's still so much to consider. Decisions to pray about and "what's next" in my life. There are a lot of days where it is exciting to think that my life can go anywhere - this crossroads is a new beginning. I have the chance to redesign my life. Rediscover myself and reignite passions and goals... realign priorities. 

Introspection. Meditation. Intention. Gratitude. Faith. I'm doing my best and I remember how lucky and blessed I am every day. Because truly, I know I am. I am giving myself grace, I think. I am not pushing myself, not really... but there are tax deadlines looming so I'm going to have to deal with reality, and the price of my procrastination is having a day or two like today, and then moving forward. 

Not a lot of anything is helping today. Today is just a day to drink a lot of water to replace the tears that I cannot stop.