Sunday's Quote

"We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are." ~ Anais Nin

I keep forgetting that no one has control over my emotions except me.

I keep forgetting that what other people do in reaction to me is about them, not me.

I keep forgetting that really and truly, it isn't all about me.

I keep forgetting that when I stop judging and pointing fingers, and begin accepting people as they are, and overlooking their shortcomings and human frailties*... that in this process ... a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

I keep forgetting to stop taking things personally.

I've eaten pretty good today... no real sugar... two more days to go to get the evil out of my system...

I haven't walked or done my arm exercises.

I keep forgetting that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.  However thirsty he might be... and however much you wished that the horse would trust you enough to take a step (not even a leap...) of faith, that the step lies within the horse.

:(

*and of course, this means that I hope to be accepted for who I am, with all my shortcomings and frailties too - as I have many.

Tough One

Today is rough. This last week was awful. Frustrating at work... Frustrated at self and so angry at my lack of self-discipline and follow-through, which of course, turns inward to depression.

Sucks.

Boring Titles Until I Get Back In The Swing...

I miss blogging. I really do.

I miss taking pictures of fun meals I've prepared... or even just especially good things we've made for dinner.  For example, Saturday night we grilled really good steak (from TJ's), eggplant (my new favorite food to grill - YUM!), some little sweet peppers, some mushrooms, and zucchini. I put mine over a few leaves of spinach, and added some Mexican cheese that is so good, the name of which escapes me right now.

I miss being focused on health.

AND YET -- how much do I love singing with the Scottsdale Chorus! O.M.W. (Oh My Word!)

It is a huge time commitment, and so very worth it! I can't describe the joy of learning and applying higher skills weekly. I've been driving two hours (four hours round trip) since the second week of June, and have a few more things to do before I'm officially a member -- they're going to be competing at Sweet Adelines International competition in Hawaii in 2013... and one of my main motivations for keeping the weight off and becoming MORE fitness-oriented is because I want to zipline and parasail and snorkel when we go to Hawaii next year.

So - I may not be as long-winded, or as photo-happy, but I need to stay accountable to myself for what I'm putting in my mouth!

I'll be updating the food log very soon!

Planning to walk/slow jog the Color Me Rad 5K in Phoenix on November 3rd. This looks awesomely fun!

Have September's FITNESS magazine with what looks like a great arm workout... and will be starting that tomorrow, along with getting on the treadmill *every day.*

And of course, my constant goal of going to bed early. Which means no mindless boob-tube marathons or 'fests' for awhile.

Quote for Today (Have I mentioned I adore quotes?!?)

"You have to speak your dream out loud." ~ Kelly Corrigan

Labor Day 2012

252.4
Blech.
Haven't blogged in too long.
:(

Accountability is Calling.

Self-discipline is Screaming...

Too much I want to accomplish to let my emotions lead me around by the nose.

Phil 4:13

Day 3 of Detox - the Distilled Water, Lemon juice & Maple syrup day

I failed my pre-fast yesterday... my boss brought donuts to work, and I was hungry :(  Not enough fruit and potatoes available to me in the world would have made up for how delicious the donut was... sad, but honest.  Thank goodness the two donuts left at the end of the day were gone by the time I went to take the box to the break room.

I failed twice.. yesterday, however; because after work, I went to the market to get real maple sryup (I bought some for last time, but couldn't find the bottle... weird), and some more fruit and veggies... and bought a chocolate cheese pastry.  FAIL.

Today I've done well so far - the lemon juice and maple syrup is pretty tasty, I have to say.

I want nuts, however.

I justified my big fails on Friday by saying "the two days of liquid-only are really the days you'll see weight loss... so this will be no big deal" -- :(

So, I'm writing to help keep msyelf honest.  I'm also going to take a fast from Facebook -- I'll check for messages, but not spend hours like I have been -- maybe get back into blogging regularly, and not wasting the time on FB.
* * *

In other news... I successfully synched my ipod to itunes -- apparently you're only allowed to have up to 5 computers per one ipod... I'm now on my 3rd computer (!?) Kinda bugs me.  But, that is a worry I'm borrowing from the future, so I'll let it go away.
* * *

In other good news -- I've been wondering where in the world my lanyard for my Sweet Adeline event badges went... it has a lot of pins and things that I spend money on, and have been acquiring more pins and stuff... and yay - found it
* * *

Other things that have been on my mind... Scrapbooking.

I love it.  I thought I was going to give it up -- but I'm not. I am going to keep it as simple as I can, however -- not keep every. single. thing. (read: scrap of paper) that has the most minute thing to do with anything I've done.  One of the reasons I have the piles of paper I have is that I want to memorialize it -- and since I thought I was going to stop scrapping, I stopped having a place to put that stuff... hence the messier mess.
* * *

A lot has happened that I should tell stories about, but today isn't the time -- today is for organizing. I had to get a new computer (I had a big lesson this time on what it means to copy files over, as opposed to the 'picture' of the shortcut copied... oy. boy.), and most of my documents are in virtual file land, so I'm in the process of copying over files on the computer... listening to my 'high rated' songs on itunes, and then going through the piles of paper and putting stuff in things to keep stuff in *grins*!

Accountability & De-Toxing

Have to get back to blogging regularly & tracking my food.  I was up 6 lbs from last Medifast Weigh in this last week -- and while there were legitimate reasons to be up (after eating my main meal, hot and water-retaining weather), there is absolutely no denying that I went off the wagon and have not seriously attempted to get back on.

So, I started the Medfiast De-tox today... My friend has done it twice since she started (she began MF in January this year) and loves it.  I'm quite head-achey and didn't sleep well, and left work after an hour and a 1/2 because I felt so sick.... I woke up at 3:30 am and only fell back asleep around 5am, to get up at 5:30. My head ached, my stomach felt sick, and I had no concentration.

The paperwork they give you at the Center is kind of confusing -- not easy to know exactly what I'm supposed to do, or when -- and after the strictness of the 5-and-1 Weight Loss so-very-well-laid-out-for-you information, I'm a little frustrated. 

There's some new faces at my Weight Loss Center, and D did a really great job of outlining the papers that I need to pay the most attention to...There are Detox supplements that I'm supposed to take twice a day -- along with the regular regular vitamins... then I'm allowed vegetables, fruit and whole grains (Hallelujah!), 3 to 4 servings a day -- NO Dairy (eggs, cheese, milk, etc), Meat, Poultry, Fish/Seafood, Salt, Sugar, Caffeine (can wean off caffeine for these first 2 days, so had some green tea today), Alcohol, Unbleached White Flour.  No nuts or peanut butter, either. bummer.

Distilled water... and day 3 & 4 are lemon juice and maple syrup liquid-only days. 

Today I started out with 3/4 cup of Kashi Go-Lean Cinammon cereal (YUM!), I think about a cup of Almond Milk (which I'm not sure where that counts in the Veggie, Fruit, Whole Grain line up), 1/2-cup of blue berries... and about 5 strawberries.  YUM YUM YUMMY!! I've not (legally) had fruit for over 18 months.  I did have about 6 delicious fruit-stand-in-Gilroy strawberries on a day the first week June on the road trip with mom -- but that was the first time I'd 'cheated' with fruit, so having fruit is wonderful... and what a fabulous time of year to start!  It took all my supplements, but forgot I was supposed to be drinking distilled water -- so had my normal water with vitamin C crystals (probably around 20 oz before leaving the house).

At work, I had one packet of MF crackers (1/2 a whole grain), to see if that would settle my stomach... I fixed myself water with green pomegranate tea and Vitamin C crystals... and really was missing my coffee! Eating didn't help -- I was miserable.

On the way home I ate a few more blue berries, and another serving of the Kashi cereal, which I'd taken to work for a snack.  And then I started to feel slightly indigestion-ey... the cereal is the culprit, I'm pretty sure...

I was home by 9am, and slept until 1:30 pm -- still headachey, but not the weird stomach feeling, which was good.  I had 7 more strawberries, 2 packets of the MF Soy bites (1 whole grain serving), a small low-sodium V-8 (1/2 veggie serving), 1 cup of celery (1/2 a veggie serving), and 1 cup of green grapes (1 fruit serving).  I then cooked a cup of brown rice in the steamer, and served up 1 cup on a small plate -- and 1 cup of brown rice is HUGE... so I've been nibbling on that all afternoon.

It is 6:25pm, and I only have 2 veggies and a fruit left for the day -- and the rest of the brown rice.

I was given two food diaries... one is the normal MF one, and one is for the detox.

I hate being unsure of things.  Which is an issue outside of the realm of food -- most of life is unsure... no wonder I'm anxiou and frustrated. meh.
* * *

Back to blogging.
It feels good, and I've missed it.
* * *

In case you're wondering. Yes, I'm hungry.  But I'm supposed to lose between 5 and 8 pounds on the de-tox... so watch this space.  I think this will get me back to seeing the numbers go down, which will help keep me motivated to stay AWAY from the dark chocolate covered almonds. Regardless that a serving is only 18 carbs... who eats just 9?  People who are not mindless eaters, that's who.

Off Track... What Track?

Ouch. It has been a long time.

244 today.

Lots of Chocolate lately.  Better the last few days.

Walked on the treadmill twice this week... very proud.

It is now 9pm and I need to head to bed... so I can get early and walk.

For some reason, with my huge new monitor, and now with MSOffice 7, and my eyes older, the print is smaller on the blog. Kinda irks me. Not sure if I care enough to try and fix it.

To be honest... I'm getting a little tired of the technology. :-P  I like paper to read things off of, and I care about trees, but still need things on paper. Printed Out. On Paper. From Trees.

I'm pretty sure I need to get my eyes checked -- have had quite a few headaches lately, and think it is eye strain (cheap-o readers help me read my phone... uh -oh!).

It has been a rough time that I haven't felt like sharing with the world lately...

I'm extremely afraid of gaining back 100 lbs.
A Huge Amount of FEAR. Anxiety. Dread. Feelings everywhere... that keeping it off, maintaining, and making fitness a larger part of my life -- all of that is impossible.  I know it is a matter of changing my mind, and that is the slow, maddeningly slow, process of change. At least, I hope I'm changing. It doesn't feel like I'm any different on the inside.

I worry so much about things that I have no control over. Ha. Really.... like I have control over anything, really. Work has been rather frustrating - a lot of new stuff coming down, and I feel helpless when I don't know the answers to questions I don't even really know exist.  Then I get unreasonably angry, then I feel bad for being angry, and then that goes inward, and ooooh boy does the chocolate taste delicious.

So hard on myself. Have to remember that I'm enough. A work in progress. One Day At A Time.

Life is complicated.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.” ~ Swedish Proverb

I'm not doing so well. Playing with the same 4 pounds since November. Maintaining when I have 48 more pounds to lose. 

My computer is broken.

I've hurt a good friend.

My mom has some serious medical issues beginning.

Feeling overwhelmed. And angry.

Happy Easter 2012

I came on to write a blog post about an hour and a half ago... between writing down visualizations, checking out Pinterest, a few things on the yahoo site, buying a scarf and glowing solar flower garden stake -- I finally made it to write the blog -- now if only to remember what I was going to write about (!)

Now I have a headache from surfing the net, and...

wow. focus is tough.

What a week last week was -- so glad this is the start of a new week.

It started Sunday when I spent about 3 hours pulling weeds and picking up the dog poop -- and trimming branches from the tree... I knew I'd be hurting -- but have NEVER hurt as much as I have this past week. I'm still aching when I put my socks and shoes on... owwww! All week long I was moaning and groaning when I had to get up and walk anywhere. Funny had I not been in so much pain. But its funny now :-)

Found out Tuesday that someone fraudulently filed a tax return in my name - in New Hampshire - in February. And they got back a little over $5,000 (!). Nothing else, thankfully, is going on with the ID Theft -- no credit cards issued, or unusual activity on our credit cards... but I was a bit shaken up. What a headache. And filing next year will be even more of a headache. Not ever funny.

Wednesday I was locked out of my house for a while - not a big big deal, but I realized I shouldn't leave my purse and keys and, well, EVERYTHING in the other room that can be locked with no way to get to if I don't know where the spare keys are. This is funny now - not at 5:45 am when I realized I was locked out.  But it did give me a morning to get stuff done, which was nice.

Thursday I lost my gas cap - and well, I don't want to be negative, but the idiot girl who worked at the QT wouldn't give it back to me when I went by at 11pm at night asking if perhaps someone had turned it in around 4pm that afternoon, as that was the last place I'd seen it. 

Really...? Is there a rash of thieves going around taking random gas caps that they don't even know might be there in the back office of convenience stores?

But I got it back. This is funny.

I was up 2 lbs at Medifast on Thursday night. So not funny.

I wasn't exaggerating when I said I'd had over 20 pieces of chocolate (Easter) candy.
And I did the same thing yesterday at work.
But it is all gone now, so just don't buy any more. Much easier to resist it in the store than in the work drawer.
* * *

Watched Forks Over Knives last night.

I've thought for over 20 years that being a vegetarian is right for me... don't get me wrong, I love meat (and the smell of bacon being cooked right now is wonderful!) -- and eggs, and cheese, and all the things associated with animal foods. But on some level I've always thought a plant-food diet should be the way *I* eat.

Maybe I haven't been strong enough to stand up to nay-sayers... or maybe I didn't want to have to really work hard at making difficult choices... or making decisions about going out with friends and social occasions in general more difficult (choosing a restaurant becomes much more difficult, let alone going to a church potluck).

This year on Medifast, however, I've been pretty much taking my own food with me most places, and it goes well. I bought "The China Study" book about 5 or 6 years ago, and while it has a lot of boring 'results of the study' graphs and charts - the bottom line is that eating plants is healthier. I then did some more online reading and read a lot of 'other side' arguments, and put the book away. And went back to "balance in all things" kind of thinking, and put it out of my mind. T Collin Campbell is co-author of the The China Study, and is one of the two main Doctors who are featured in the Forks Over Knives documentary.

Seeing the people in the video physically change and proclaim the health benefits... well, it just put the last weight on the balance scale in favor of going to a plant-way of eating. Which means no animal by-products (i.e., dairy). The cholesterol numbers were compelling -- not to mention the woman who doesn't have to take medication for diabetes anymore... and she works at a diabetic center, where no methods of medication had changed her health.... (!?!?!?!?!) But I think it was 6 weeks on the plant-based diet that had her off her diabetes medication(s).

Of course, last night himself went out and bought milk, and for me and my coffee some cream... and there is butter in the house... and I had some cottage cheese for dinner... so this will be huge change that will happen gradually. I plan/hope that it will get me back interested in cooking real food for my Lean & Green... and I'm looking on the non-meat protein sources on the MF charts, which means "Tofu - here I come!"

It comes down to where I want to spend my time and effort(s).
Choice.

Day 1 of Restart -- Sept 1 is goal date for Goal Weight

I'm just sayin'.

Time to stop dilly dallying around.

MF Scale = 240.8 today.  Makes my loss 97 lbs.  Phlsdplthmpthss! (that's a strawberry, in case you needed a translation).

I bought more shakes - and I plan to have 3 shakes a day, plus a soup and a bar -- my extra's will be cream in my coffee, and a measured amount of almond butter and celery.  I may even go back to pickles!

And a plan to work out my arms.  They're ick.

Freedom in Obedience... when I know the rules, I don't have to worry about choices. 

Heading to bed now. REALLY need to make getting up EVERY DAY at 5am a priority.

every. day.