This is a raw, mostly unedited post that just gets some thoughts that Facebook isn't the place for, and may be tired of seeing about losing My Best Person, Penny Starr; and a recent loss of someone I cherished, though we didn't spend lots of time together, and weren't close friends... I still really cherished Jordan Liddle.
I started 3 separate blog posts with the titles I have for this post... The Grief draft was started on 11/18/18 - almost a year ago. I was going to try and write about the death of my best friend, my person, my Penny.
I only got as far as 3 different but the same subject lines, a year ago. That in and of itself speaks volumes in that I wasn't ready to put words to feelings. I don't know that I'm ready now, but have the irresistible urge to write.
I'm not over anything, not really. Grief is not anything you get over, as Nora McInerny said, it is chronic. I believe I understand that now. And grief, unfortunately is a club that, until you experience it for yourself, you just can't really understand it, or empathize with. Yes, you can sympathize, and you can try and imagine... but sadly, we have to go through it before we really get it.
You can move through it as time moves forward. But, as a recent Ted Talk I watched stated - we can move forward, but no one who has lost someone, at least, I don't think, no one wants to move on without the person they lost. We'll move forward with them.
Another really great article by John Pavlovitz, spoke about the person we were when we were with that person, that part of us that dies with the person.
Death of our loved ones is something you learn to live around. It doesn't go away, it doesn't hurt less. It changes... it becomes less sharp, less intense... perhaps? And everyone is going to experience it differently for a different length of time. For a long time all I could think was, "I miss you. I'm so sad. I'm so so so sad. Penny, I miss you so much. I'm so sad. I'm so so so sad. I'm glad you're out of pain, but this isn't about you anymore (she'd laugh), it's all about me, and I'm so sad." I couldn't think of anything outside the overwhelming pain of "no more." The finality of no more memories she and I would create.
If I think that thought for more than a passing moment, I start to cry again.
I felt like I belonged with Penny. I felt completely accepted and loved by her when I was with her, and that was an immediate feeling from the time I met her. I don't feel like that with anyone else except my parents and siblings. I don't know how else to say it. Under most circumstances, for the first 45 years of my life, I would feel like I don't belong, that I'm just tolerated. When I ask myself if that is really true, I know the answer is no... those feelings are not reality. And yet, that has been my normal for so many years, changing that subconscious (often unconscious) tape will take some serious focus.
It's a little over a year later (she died on September 3, 2018) and I'm still missing her so very much. I'm still generally sad, all the time. But the sadness isn't just about Penny (and the other deaths over the last 13 months, which I'll get to). The sadness is just me. Penny helped me keep the anxiety and sad at bay... she helped me in ways I'm sure she wasn't even aware of... I hide it extremely well to most people. I understand that it is depression - and I had a counselor once tell me I was on the bi-polar spectrum and suggested drugs - but I looked up the drugs she'd suggested and they were some heavy duty (like schizophrenia heavy) chemicals, and whether it is right or wrong, and by no means am I judging anyone who takes drugs for depression, I just don't want to take them for me. (When I read the side effects can be suicidal thoughts... I don't think having a side effect that is worse than the depression itself is healthy, call me crazy...)
I believe that we are purposefully created as we are by God and we struggle so we can be a help to others because we are facing, or have faced, the same challenges, hurts etc. in our own lives. That said, no, I don't think abuse and trauma humans inflict on one another is God's plan - that is evil and not of God. Reading The Shack and seeing the movie (this Wisdom scene, especially) helped me understand suffering, grace and love just a little.
I think, looking back over history and the amount of hurt souls who were incredible artists who created music, art, the written word, and dance for the rest of us because they were just trying to self-soothe, self-medicate and express their pain through personal, often painful art... well, had they been on medication we would have missed out on their talent. But that isn't the point of why I'm writing.
Ha, maybe I think I have something extraordinary to offer the world and don't want it stifled. Is that arrogant or hopeful?
I'm able to finally get around to writing about this pain of loss, weirdly, because of another death; last Saturday, a friend of mine from college took his life. In the days before his letter to us all was publicly posted on Facebook, some of our college theatre group came together and shared how we all were absolutely gutted. Shocked. Devastated. Dumbfounded and in so much guilt and pain I suspect because we felt and believed that we didn't do enough. We didn't take advantage of those 'nudges' we all feel to reach out to our people when we think of them... one friend posted that this was a Friendship Test and she'd failed. The depth of our feelings after hearing about Jordan, well, really, words fail.
After reading his letter to us, many of our questions are answered, our guilt is almost (?) gone - for in the end Jordan was still a good guy and told us there was nothing we could have done, or said. He'd been living in hell for over 10 years and had tried everything, but just couldn't live with the pain and hopelessness and the complete lack of joy and light anymore. Again, his death isn't about us, its about him - and I believe he is safe, and loved, and at peace. Like so many 'funny people' in the world, he was using humor to mask his profound pain.
Our group knew him in college, before life had had its way with him. We remember him mostly from those days... and while we knew he'd had a tragic accident that caused the death of someone in his care and that had affected him deeply - he wasn't willing to fully reveal the depth of the agony he was living in. A couple years after this accident, we had a reunion of the cast and crew of one of our shows, and I hadn't seen him IRL since college - of course we were friends on facebook - but to hang out with him and our college friends was such a joy. I think, with us, in the life he lived before the accident, he was his old Jordan self again... he was able to forget for a little while and be the carefree all-is-funny-or-to-be-made-fun-of hysterical guy again. I saw and connected with him (staying at his apartment) a couple years ago, and felt that undercurrent of isolation. I could feel the change in him much more than when I'd seen him in 2010 - my heart hurt, but I wasn't able to take a day just to hang out with him. I don't think anything would be different today if I'd been able to spend more time, but I still wish things a couple years ago could have been different.
Well, his death has kind of sent me over the edge of grief. I've been crying a lot, and relying on Facebook posts from our mutual friends to help make sense of this and process this loss. And that has helped, actually... having the Facebook connection to help all of us who are spread across the country, to share in our profound sadness and grief over the loss of our friend.
I've been saying for a long time I want to be in relationship and connect with people... I want more space and margin in my world so I can be there for my friends and family, and also so they can be there for me - in that I am making time to be with them. Those friends and family who are healing and loving, and help me maintain my hope and optimism. I firmly believe our purpose (or one of our purposes) in life is to ease one another's pain and burdens in the ways we can, using our gifts and natural abilities. I know singing and bringing song and harmony to others (whether in performance or in rehearsal and practice) is my blessing, my gift to share. I don't think I've used it as much as God wants me to, and that's fear holding me back. But that's another blog post.
This will be published on the 15th of March ~ long after I started it. We're in the middle of the Corona Virus Pandemic (so declared on 11th of March, 2020) and to say it's an interesting time is an understatement.
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
It's New Year (2018) Already?! aka My Why
Eagles beat the Patriots in the biggest football game of the year this past Sunday. My favorite ad was the Dirty Dancing Themed NFL commercial with Eli Manning & Odell Beckham, Jr. Way Fun! The Tide ad was a close second... but wait, this wasn't going to be a post about the Big Game ads... (However, if you want to see more of *those* ads from 1980 to now... Super Ads Database is your place!)
Okay... so what am I writing about? Ummm... well, according to my last blog post in *cough cough* October, I'm supposed to be purposefully writing 1,000 words a day.
I can't defend myself of my massive failure at that. But if you watch this video, you'll see how I've done.
Himself & I decided that New Year Resolutions of healthy eating and habits (a continual resolution, often restarted on arbitrary days in the middle of the year) begin after the Big Game day. I joined Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago for online and meetings, but haven't been to a meeting yet. I've tracked a few meals, but have not earnestly devoted my thoughts and time to get back on the plant-based wagon.
And regaining stamina and energy through losing weight and walking every day for 40 minutes is key to this post: the discovery of My Why.
My Why is Barbershop. There. I said it. Singing a cappella is encompassed in that, but honestly... Singing and Performing, Learning and Teaching Barbershop is my why. The other day I likened Barbershop music to the Tardis (12 min vid) - small and square on the outside, but when you enter inside, it is So Much Bigger! Love Matt Smith at 4:10, by the way.
Yes, there can be Barbershop that is cheesy. But really, we love cheese. We are a cheese-loving nation, aren't we? Cheese on anything (almost) makes it better. Cheesy Grits. Nachos. Cheese in rice. Cheesy beans on toast. Cheese on a baked potato. Only Barbershop Cheese doesn't pile on fat or calories. I happen to be going slowly toward eating plant-based... which means no more cheese for me. But believe me that I know cheese is a beautifully-tasty food, and yes, for me, the cornier the joke is, the better (corn = cheese in this comparison). So I am not disparaging cheese.
Yes, Barbershop has (among the uninitiated) the perception of only being sung by old guys in boater hats and striped vests... So? Who cares if they're a little cheesy? I'd rather have cheesy nice guys than slick, despicable snakes in the grass. And there are some super talented young 'uns (men and women) who are definitely NOT "your grandparents barbershoppers." Young or old, good singing attracts everyone!
Thanks to Deke Sharon, who has been described as the "Father of contemporary a cappella," the distinct style of singing known as Barbershop has been blessed as A Cappella's Martial Art. In other words, if you learn to sing Barbershop harmony well than you have the foundation on which to become a Ninja of a cappella singing.
And wait, there's MORE! It won't be in this post... but there's so much more to reveal regarding vowels, arrangements, music theory, physical and emotional benefits of singing alone and singing together... The Barbershop Harmony Society (BHS), formerly known as SPEBQSA (Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barbershop Quartet Singing in America) has it right in their motto #everyoneinharmony. As does Deke Sharon with his #harmonythroughharmony.
Singing together, I believe, can change the world.
Understanding that physiologically it is easier on our vocal mechanism to sing than it is to talk; leads me to believe that while not everyone has the natural, born-this-way voice gift... Everyone has the physical mechanism to sing. And has to ability to learn to sing. It is something that can be taught.
And singing together in a barbershop chorus (where not everyone has to have a solo voice), creating those overtones and sharing the pure joy of creating music and overtones with others might just possibly change the world.
In the Christian world, since 1982 when Keith Lancaster wanted to form a ministry through a cappella singing, there's been Acappella Ministry. #hearitinourvoice was a motto they used, and is now a collection of released songs from the Acappella company. This ministry has brought so much joy and music to people around the world!
Okay... so what am I writing about? Ummm... well, according to my last blog post in *cough cough* October, I'm supposed to be purposefully writing 1,000 words a day.
I can't defend myself of my massive failure at that. But if you watch this video, you'll see how I've done.
Himself & I decided that New Year Resolutions of healthy eating and habits (a continual resolution, often restarted on arbitrary days in the middle of the year) begin after the Big Game day. I joined Weight Watchers 2 weeks ago for online and meetings, but haven't been to a meeting yet. I've tracked a few meals, but have not earnestly devoted my thoughts and time to get back on the plant-based wagon.
And regaining stamina and energy through losing weight and walking every day for 40 minutes is key to this post: the discovery of My Why.
My Why is Barbershop. There. I said it. Singing a cappella is encompassed in that, but honestly... Singing and Performing, Learning and Teaching Barbershop is my why. The other day I likened Barbershop music to the Tardis (12 min vid) - small and square on the outside, but when you enter inside, it is So Much Bigger! Love Matt Smith at 4:10, by the way.
Yes, there can be Barbershop that is cheesy. But really, we love cheese. We are a cheese-loving nation, aren't we? Cheese on anything (almost) makes it better. Cheesy Grits. Nachos. Cheese in rice. Cheesy beans on toast. Cheese on a baked potato. Only Barbershop Cheese doesn't pile on fat or calories. I happen to be going slowly toward eating plant-based... which means no more cheese for me. But believe me that I know cheese is a beautifully-tasty food, and yes, for me, the cornier the joke is, the better (corn = cheese in this comparison). So I am not disparaging cheese.
Yes, Barbershop has (among the uninitiated) the perception of only being sung by old guys in boater hats and striped vests... So? Who cares if they're a little cheesy? I'd rather have cheesy nice guys than slick, despicable snakes in the grass. And there are some super talented young 'uns (men and women) who are definitely NOT "your grandparents barbershoppers." Young or old, good singing attracts everyone!
Thanks to Deke Sharon, who has been described as the "Father of contemporary a cappella," the distinct style of singing known as Barbershop has been blessed as A Cappella's Martial Art. In other words, if you learn to sing Barbershop harmony well than you have the foundation on which to become a Ninja of a cappella singing.
"You might think Barbershop is only old guys singing old songs, but you're wrong. Sometimes the songs are new, sometimes the guys are young, but you know what? There's a lot to be learned from your elders, and if a song has lasted a century, it's still around for a good reason." ~ Deke SharonSo, you ask, why exactly is Barbershop like the Tardis? Because on the outside, Barbershop is square, and not very complicated. Heck, one of the hallmarks of the style is that it is built on simple melodies and relatively easy to sing. Once you learn more about how an overtone is produced (which is the goal of every quartet and chorus singer) however, you realize that there is so much more to what barbershop singing requires in order for those chords to ring. The Merriam-Webster technical definition of an overtone is:
"one of the higher tones produced simultaneously with the fundamental and that with the fundamental comprise a complex musical tone."Sweet Adelines International defines it a thus:
"When the music is sung accurately and with good breath support and vocal techniques, barbershop harmony produces overtone vibrations that create a resonant ring unique to this form of music."In other words... when you're doing it right, the singing produces another audible "voice" heard high above (and sometimes below) the actual notes being vocally produced. It's acoustical magic and way-hey too much math for me to even try to explain in more precise language... but singing barbershop, when it's all done correctly - creates a bigger sound than what is actually being sung. Barbershoppers call that "Expanded Sound" and it sounds like more people are singing than are actually singing. Like the Tardis. See? It looks all square and normal, and then you enter in to the overtone series and Banga-boom(!) it's BIGGER!
And wait, there's MORE! It won't be in this post... but there's so much more to reveal regarding vowels, arrangements, music theory, physical and emotional benefits of singing alone and singing together... The Barbershop Harmony Society (BHS), formerly known as SPEBQSA (Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barbershop Quartet Singing in America) has it right in their motto #everyoneinharmony. As does Deke Sharon with his #harmonythroughharmony.
Singing together, I believe, can change the world.
Understanding that physiologically it is easier on our vocal mechanism to sing than it is to talk; leads me to believe that while not everyone has the natural, born-this-way voice gift... Everyone has the physical mechanism to sing. And has to ability to learn to sing. It is something that can be taught.
And singing together in a barbershop chorus (where not everyone has to have a solo voice), creating those overtones and sharing the pure joy of creating music and overtones with others might just possibly change the world.
In the Christian world, since 1982 when Keith Lancaster wanted to form a ministry through a cappella singing, there's been Acappella Ministry. #hearitinourvoice was a motto they used, and is now a collection of released songs from the Acappella company. This ministry has brought so much joy and music to people around the world!
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Re-thinking The Work Day Schedule (Do we really need 8 hours?)
THIS! This This This This This.
I subscribed to an online magazine of sorts, called Medium. You can sign up for articles/topics that interest you, and then you get updates in your email inbox. I particularly like that it gives estimates at how long a particular read will be.
"3 minute read" or "9 minute read" - it is a fabulous expectation tool which helps me decide if I have time at that moment to take a quick reading break.
The "THIS!" link above makes some great points about how our 8 hour work day really should be made a thing of the past; at least for most careers... Srinivas Rao is the author of the article, and so far, I really appreciate all of what he has written.
These past couple of weeks I've been really focused on reading and discovering "My Why." With two successful real estate transactions done and dusted in September, and looking toward a future of continuing this rewarding experience, I need to know what is going to get me through it when times are lean and mean.
As I'm trying to put a plan together - a routine - good habits... "My Why" becomes important to actually "doing" and not just "researching" and "reading" and sharing things on Facebook.
I've come to a number of conclusions, and one of them that I believe is critical to "My Why" is to write 1,000 words a day. I have not journalled or written on a regular basis since college - and I think many ducks will shut up if I can get back to writing on a consistent basis. Again, Srinivas has written an inspiring article, which I found via Medium - "How Writing 1000 Words a Day Changed My Life."
You see, I don't want to be be a full-time realtor forever... or for even more than a couple years.
I want to work full-ish time (30 hours a week) as a realtor, still make enough to save some money and want to be able to have some Smart Passive Income, along with traveling around the USA for 6 months of the year while performing at Mobile Home/RV parks. To have my backtrack Cabaret Act or me and guitar and/or ukulele is my ideal way to help fund my travels.
So, reading inspiring and creative articles is great - but I have to really set my routine up! Our Real Estate Team, the Vallee Gold Team is putting the team through some fabulous coaching with Verl Workman. He is big on processes and procedures, accountability and measuring results. All good stuff! But... my routine that I'm trying to set up isn't just about Real Estate.
Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew...
Verl Workman is also the one, who said in last week's video conference call, that we all need to "Find Your Why." I took him seriously.
It's time to take action (while still reading) on all these great ideas on how best to succeed.
Oh, and I want to read 100 books (at least) next year. I'd be content to finish 12 books before the end of the year. Whoop!
I subscribed to an online magazine of sorts, called Medium. You can sign up for articles/topics that interest you, and then you get updates in your email inbox. I particularly like that it gives estimates at how long a particular read will be.
"3 minute read" or "9 minute read" - it is a fabulous expectation tool which helps me decide if I have time at that moment to take a quick reading break.
The "THIS!" link above makes some great points about how our 8 hour work day really should be made a thing of the past; at least for most careers... Srinivas Rao is the author of the article, and so far, I really appreciate all of what he has written.
"Parkinson’s law states that a task will end up taking the amount of time that we’ve allotted for it. So perhaps it’s possible that everything that happens over the course of an 8 hour work day could happen over the course of a 4 hour work day." ~ Srinivas Rao
These past couple of weeks I've been really focused on reading and discovering "My Why." With two successful real estate transactions done and dusted in September, and looking toward a future of continuing this rewarding experience, I need to know what is going to get me through it when times are lean and mean.
As I'm trying to put a plan together - a routine - good habits... "My Why" becomes important to actually "doing" and not just "researching" and "reading" and sharing things on Facebook.
I've come to a number of conclusions, and one of them that I believe is critical to "My Why" is to write 1,000 words a day. I have not journalled or written on a regular basis since college - and I think many ducks will shut up if I can get back to writing on a consistent basis. Again, Srinivas has written an inspiring article, which I found via Medium - "How Writing 1000 Words a Day Changed My Life."
You see, I don't want to be be a full-time realtor forever... or for even more than a couple years.
I want to work full-ish time (30 hours a week) as a realtor, still make enough to save some money and want to be able to have some Smart Passive Income, along with traveling around the USA for 6 months of the year while performing at Mobile Home/RV parks. To have my backtrack Cabaret Act or me and guitar and/or ukulele is my ideal way to help fund my travels.
So, reading inspiring and creative articles is great - but I have to really set my routine up! Our Real Estate Team, the Vallee Gold Team is putting the team through some fabulous coaching with Verl Workman. He is big on processes and procedures, accountability and measuring results. All good stuff! But... my routine that I'm trying to set up isn't just about Real Estate.
Maybe I'm biting off more than I can chew...
Verl Workman is also the one, who said in last week's video conference call, that we all need to "Find Your Why." I took him seriously.
It's time to take action (while still reading) on all these great ideas on how best to succeed.
Oh, and I want to read 100 books (at least) next year. I'd be content to finish 12 books before the end of the year. Whoop!
Monday, August 21, 2017
Accountability = Love
When we lie to ourselves... When we don't hold ourselves accountable to what we tell ourselves, it is essentially a lie.
Diet
Health
Career
Relationships
Organizations
Health
Career
Relationships
Organizations
Think on it.
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Wanderlust-y
"If you are persistent, you will get it. If you are consistent, you will keep it."
I started back in Real Estate in the middle of May - and this quote helps keep me focused.
Today I've been researching Teaching English as a Second Language in a foreign country. The desire to run away has been really strong lately.
I found this blog, and this resource to spend time while I wait to go show some more houses.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~Mark Twain
I'm unsettled. Anxious. Curious. Frustrated. Grateful.
I started back in Real Estate in the middle of May - and this quote helps keep me focused.
Today I've been researching Teaching English as a Second Language in a foreign country. The desire to run away has been really strong lately.
I found this blog, and this resource to spend time while I wait to go show some more houses.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~Mark Twain
I'm unsettled. Anxious. Curious. Frustrated. Grateful.
Monday, February 20, 2017
Science has proved vs Science is catching up
This is not to disparage science. But I think often that things that we've known (or perhaps I should say believed) for a long time; are now being 'proven' by science, when, in fact, we've known them for a long time.
If it isn't backed by science, does this mean it isn't true?
I am a person of faith. And someone who completely trusts my gut. Truly, it gives me accurate intuition regarding people and who I should trust and who I should hold at arm's length - and I cannot think of a time when it has been wrong. I have no science but my life experience. And my predisposed beliefs about some things affect how I make decisions. I research and find out facts, and then I still will go with my gut. I often am not logical, and I'm okay with that.
I was at a really awesome and dynamic talk by Jeanette Mare', the founder of Ben's Bells. If you are not aware of Ben's Bells, her story and what this Be Kind movement is doing is worth your time. And worth conversation in a different post.
She talked about how science has proven that Kindness is a better indication of success in the workplace over IQ. (Google it... lots of emotional intelligence articles out there)
Aesop's fable of the The Wind and The Sun proved "Kindness effects more than severity" way back in ancient times.
So... what if some things that are believed but are not proven, and perhaps "P-shaw'd" by science and scientific types have just not been proven - yet?
If it isn't backed by science, does this mean it isn't true?
I am a person of faith. And someone who completely trusts my gut. Truly, it gives me accurate intuition regarding people and who I should trust and who I should hold at arm's length - and I cannot think of a time when it has been wrong. I have no science but my life experience. And my predisposed beliefs about some things affect how I make decisions. I research and find out facts, and then I still will go with my gut. I often am not logical, and I'm okay with that.
I was at a really awesome and dynamic talk by Jeanette Mare', the founder of Ben's Bells. If you are not aware of Ben's Bells, her story and what this Be Kind movement is doing is worth your time. And worth conversation in a different post.
She talked about how science has proven that Kindness is a better indication of success in the workplace over IQ. (Google it... lots of emotional intelligence articles out there)
Aesop's fable of the The Wind and The Sun proved "Kindness effects more than severity" way back in ancient times.
So... what if some things that are believed but are not proven, and perhaps "P-shaw'd" by science and scientific types have just not been proven - yet?
Sunday, October 30, 2016
365 Days of Thanksgiving
I am thankful for my diversity of friends. They give me perspective, other opinions, and perception. They contribute to my sense of empathy. They anger me, but I love them, so Love overrules anger. They are not me, and I am not them, but we are compliments. Together we create harmony.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Fear & Less
Fear of Loss.
Loss of Health. Loss of Family. Loss of Friends. Loss of Love. Loss of Time. Loss of Freedom. Loss of Integrity. Loss of Truth.
Fear of Inadequacy. Fear of the Truth. Fear of the Lies. Fear of Physical Pain. Fear of my government. Fear of my neighbor. Fear of the Global World we live in. Fear of Opinions. Fear of Routine. Fear of Discipline. Fear of Success. Fear of Failure. Fear of Not Doing Enough. Fear of Not Being Enough. Fear of Doing Too Much. Fear of Action. Fear of Staying the Same. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of THE METEOR de-magnetizing this amazing time we live in. Fear of Drought. Fear of Fire. Fear of GMOs. Fear of Big Business. Fear of the Ignorant (read the Haters). Fear of Disapproval.
18 months almost to the day when I wrote my last post.
It still comes down to Focus. "Hacking away at the unessential" (thank you Bruce Lee).
I've met some new people, been able to get rid of a lot more craft items, but am not close to living simply. I have slowly come to realize over the last few months that I have an extremely deep Fear.
I Fear I Am Not Enough. My head knows this is garbage. And yet it is the driving force behind the majority of my daily decisions.
Perhaps I equate Less with Loss. Fear of needing the information in the book on Herbal Remedies that I just donated to the Salvation Army. Some of the fear is real, some of it is imagined, some of it comes from the Preppers (TSHTF group - when 'the shit hits the fan' group), most of it comes through the media, and Social Media.
So what prompted me to write today, this minute, on this subject? A 25 minute conversation with my cousin - who had worked for a company himself has applied to. I had emailed my cousin to ask about his time with that company, company culture etc... and in response to my email to him, he said "I'm free now if you'd like to call me" - with his phone number.
Some background: This cousin and I love our shared family - his grandfather (Earl) loved me as a little girl because I reminded his grandfather of his daughter, Betty Kay, who is this cousin's mother, and who died much too young. His grandmother (Tess), was my paternal grandmother, Ethel's sister (my great-aunt), and they are siblings in "This Family" and this Family is special. I last saw my cousin at the funeral of great-aunt CJ, and because the cousins are spread out, we are not connected.
So I called him. And we talked longer than I thought we would - and after we talked about the company he used to work for, we agreed we miss the Lindsey Family gatherings. And we talked about how much we both love my dad. And how it blows our minds that my younger brother is 40. And we talked about his recent move, and what he does now. And I caught up on what his sisters are doing - not a lot of detail, but I know where they're living at least. And we talked about camping - and how I asked himself for a pop-up trailer and I came home to a tent in the back yard (Sooooo not a pop-up trailer - lol!). And we connected. I want more of that in my life.
Connection. I still want to have a business I can run from the internet, and travel around in a trailer and stay connected to my family and my friends. I want to be able to sing and perform with my guitar and ukulele (which I played with on the day I got it, but I think about playing it every single day, along with getting back to the guitar) and meet new people all across the country. This thrills my wandering soul. I don't know why exactly I'm not afraid of that.
But -
But - ~
But - ~ ...
What stops me? Why am I unable to stay Focused on What I Want (what I really really want ♪)?
Go back to the quote - what can I have less of to make room for it?
I feel like I'm closer to action. Today, at least.
Recently I had a conversation and I shared that I am just so tired. Tired of being anxious, tired of feeling hopeless in trying to change some of my behaviors. Tired of not accepting myself for being enough. Tired of saying at the beginning of each day, "I will not have the donuts or the bagels or the brownies or the cookies or the pita bread or the flour tortilla" and by 10am I've had the boston cream donut, and the banana cream pie, and the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites from Trader Joe's. I know my tiredness in part is because I haven't budged on the weight loss. I'm 3 lbs away from when I started Medi-Fast. That's another whole post.
We had some new friends over for Scotch Eggs and Haggis last night - and I cleaned the house. It looks so nice and smells so good. The living room is mostly clear of the random stuff that collects, that goes unnoticed because there is So. Much. Stuff. to keep track of and it has no permanent home. I love this clean feeling. And when I think about what I 'should' do to keep it up, then I'm instantly tired and hopeless. The Overwhelm of Life. Managing the Details. Negotiating throughout the day - because really, Life is All Negotiation.
No wonder the ideas of "Be More With Less" and "Tiny Houses" and "Becoming Minimalist" are so attractive and gaining momentum.
I live in my head. I collect information. I know things, but I don't necessarily understand. And while I've been known to make fast decisions (hello, marry himself and then move out of the country in a span of less than 6 months...), this idea of living with so much less is huge change. Acting on this "Less is More" thing is scary. I have all that Fear.
Loss of Health. Loss of Family. Loss of Friends. Loss of Love. Loss of Time. Loss of Freedom. Loss of Integrity. Loss of Truth.
Fear of Inadequacy. Fear of the Truth. Fear of the Lies. Fear of Physical Pain. Fear of my government. Fear of my neighbor. Fear of the Global World we live in. Fear of Opinions. Fear of Routine. Fear of Discipline. Fear of Success. Fear of Failure. Fear of Not Doing Enough. Fear of Not Being Enough. Fear of Doing Too Much. Fear of Action. Fear of Staying the Same. Fear of the Unknown. Fear of THE METEOR de-magnetizing this amazing time we live in. Fear of Drought. Fear of Fire. Fear of GMOs. Fear of Big Business. Fear of the Ignorant (read the Haters). Fear of Disapproval.
The Joy of less | Kim Coupounas | TEDxBoulder
"What is that abundance, that joy, that your heart aches for? And what can you have less of to make room for it?" ~ Kim Coupounas
18 months almost to the day when I wrote my last post.
It still comes down to Focus. "Hacking away at the unessential" (thank you Bruce Lee).
I've met some new people, been able to get rid of a lot more craft items, but am not close to living simply. I have slowly come to realize over the last few months that I have an extremely deep Fear.
I Fear I Am Not Enough. My head knows this is garbage. And yet it is the driving force behind the majority of my daily decisions.
Perhaps I equate Less with Loss. Fear of needing the information in the book on Herbal Remedies that I just donated to the Salvation Army. Some of the fear is real, some of it is imagined, some of it comes from the Preppers (TSHTF group - when 'the shit hits the fan' group), most of it comes through the media, and Social Media.
So what prompted me to write today, this minute, on this subject? A 25 minute conversation with my cousin - who had worked for a company himself has applied to. I had emailed my cousin to ask about his time with that company, company culture etc... and in response to my email to him, he said "I'm free now if you'd like to call me" - with his phone number.
Some background: This cousin and I love our shared family - his grandfather (Earl) loved me as a little girl because I reminded his grandfather of his daughter, Betty Kay, who is this cousin's mother, and who died much too young. His grandmother (Tess), was my paternal grandmother, Ethel's sister (my great-aunt), and they are siblings in "This Family" and this Family is special. I last saw my cousin at the funeral of great-aunt CJ, and because the cousins are spread out, we are not connected.
So I called him. And we talked longer than I thought we would - and after we talked about the company he used to work for, we agreed we miss the Lindsey Family gatherings. And we talked about how much we both love my dad. And how it blows our minds that my younger brother is 40. And we talked about his recent move, and what he does now. And I caught up on what his sisters are doing - not a lot of detail, but I know where they're living at least. And we talked about camping - and how I asked himself for a pop-up trailer and I came home to a tent in the back yard (Sooooo not a pop-up trailer - lol!). And we connected. I want more of that in my life.
Connection. I still want to have a business I can run from the internet, and travel around in a trailer and stay connected to my family and my friends. I want to be able to sing and perform with my guitar and ukulele (which I played with on the day I got it, but I think about playing it every single day, along with getting back to the guitar) and meet new people all across the country. This thrills my wandering soul. I don't know why exactly I'm not afraid of that.
But -
But - ~
But - ~ ...
What stops me? Why am I unable to stay Focused on What I Want (what I really really want ♪)?
Go back to the quote - what can I have less of to make room for it?
I feel like I'm closer to action. Today, at least.
Recently I had a conversation and I shared that I am just so tired. Tired of being anxious, tired of feeling hopeless in trying to change some of my behaviors. Tired of not accepting myself for being enough. Tired of saying at the beginning of each day, "I will not have the donuts or the bagels or the brownies or the cookies or the pita bread or the flour tortilla" and by 10am I've had the boston cream donut, and the banana cream pie, and the chocolate-covered peanut butter pretzel bites from Trader Joe's. I know my tiredness in part is because I haven't budged on the weight loss. I'm 3 lbs away from when I started Medi-Fast. That's another whole post.
We had some new friends over for Scotch Eggs and Haggis last night - and I cleaned the house. It looks so nice and smells so good. The living room is mostly clear of the random stuff that collects, that goes unnoticed because there is So. Much. Stuff. to keep track of and it has no permanent home. I love this clean feeling. And when I think about what I 'should' do to keep it up, then I'm instantly tired and hopeless. The Overwhelm of Life. Managing the Details. Negotiating throughout the day - because really, Life is All Negotiation.
No wonder the ideas of "Be More With Less" and "Tiny Houses" and "Becoming Minimalist" are so attractive and gaining momentum.
I live in my head. I collect information. I know things, but I don't necessarily understand. And while I've been known to make fast decisions (hello, marry himself and then move out of the country in a span of less than 6 months...), this idea of living with so much less is huge change. Acting on this "Less is More" thing is scary. I have all that Fear.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
A Slow Start
Penelope Trunk
I like her blog. A lot.
Amazing 2015
Great, as usual, post from Zen Habits.
It has been a slow start to 2015.
I'm finding a new passion in Vintage Trailers - obtaining one, re-doing it myself, then traveling around in it and making money teaching craft classes to senior citizens in the variety of residences they live in (mobile home retirement communities to assisted living care facilities); singing and performing at the same locations, and having some kind of online business that pays me.
Intentional is my word for 2015.
Not exactly sure what this means for me, intentional... but it has something to do with creating an intentional life without extra 'stuff' - sort of like minimalism, but not really. "Will it fit in my tiny house?" is still a strong motivator for me to get rid of excess stuff, however.
Currently I'm a Realtor - started the process in June last year, and well... the jury is still out. I'm certainly not passionate about it, and yet there are aspects of it I enjoy. I've learned a lot - and will be taking a Negotiation course, which I believe will be helpful regardless of what I end up doing.
Bible Thought for the day:
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~ Proverbs 19:21
It reminds me that taking it all to God - praying, meditating, sending it out to the universe - whichever phrase resonates with you - that is what I think I mean by intentional. Giving more thought and energy behind positive outcomes, and always being thankful for the situation I am in.
I like her blog. A lot.
Amazing 2015
Great, as usual, post from Zen Habits.
It has been a slow start to 2015.
I'm finding a new passion in Vintage Trailers - obtaining one, re-doing it myself, then traveling around in it and making money teaching craft classes to senior citizens in the variety of residences they live in (mobile home retirement communities to assisted living care facilities); singing and performing at the same locations, and having some kind of online business that pays me.
Intentional is my word for 2015.
Not exactly sure what this means for me, intentional... but it has something to do with creating an intentional life without extra 'stuff' - sort of like minimalism, but not really. "Will it fit in my tiny house?" is still a strong motivator for me to get rid of excess stuff, however.
Currently I'm a Realtor - started the process in June last year, and well... the jury is still out. I'm certainly not passionate about it, and yet there are aspects of it I enjoy. I've learned a lot - and will be taking a Negotiation course, which I believe will be helpful regardless of what I end up doing.
Bible Thought for the day:
"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~ Proverbs 19:21
It reminds me that taking it all to God - praying, meditating, sending it out to the universe - whichever phrase resonates with you - that is what I think I mean by intentional. Giving more thought and energy behind positive outcomes, and always being thankful for the situation I am in.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Busy Busy!
Long time no post....
First ~ a sunrise
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The sunrise this morning was at 7:14am ~ it was not a spectacular one, as there was a few mornings ago... but I want to make it a goal of mine to be sure I'm up and outside (if it isn't raining) a few minutes before the sunrise and take a picture, and post it somewhere (here, Facebook, Google+ or Twitter). It is difficult for me to be an early riser, but I am better than I was a few years ago.
I'm reading on my Kindle "The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM)" by Hal Elrod. Before reading this book, I have already read a number of articles along the vein of "what successful people do that most of us don't" from LifeHack or similar all say the same thing - get up early and Pray/Meditate, Exercise, Focus on your Goals, Review your day ahead, etc... I like "Miracle Morning" because it digs a little deeper (not much) into the nuts and bolts of HOW (though there is a lot [a LOT] of 'this is why you will love this book...' and 'when you do the things I'm going to tell you about, you will love...' which drives me crazy. I've bought the book, stop selling it to me!).
In my thought process, this is similar to one of Gretchin Rubin's Secrets of Adulthood (from the Happiness Project): "What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE."
How I do what I do today matters... because I will either build on it tomorrow, or have to lay the foundation again. For me, getting up at 5AM means going to sleep before 11PM. My stomach hurts when I don't get enough sleep, and I am so busy doing singing stuff I can't afford to get sick, and without enough sleep, historically I get sick. So, saying "no" to watching the second newer Star Trek (which we started watching at 9:50pm) is where my self-discipline has to kick in.
That being said, one of the strategies is to affirm to myself, before going to sleep, that the amount of sleep I'm going to have is going to be perfect, that I'll have exactly the amount of sleep I need and will feel rested and energized in the morning. When I plant that thought in my brain before going to sleep (instead of counting on my fingers how much sleep I should get, and lamenting that it is never enough, and berating myself for my lack of self-discipline), I do wake up with a kickier step.
I woke up at 5:25 this morning, I didn't snooze - and got up and came in to organize calendars and write goals, do some things on my 'To Do' list. My Real Estate mentor and I have purchased "Passion Planners" and I've been looking at that a little... it is exactly the kind of planner I've been looking for and I'm incredibly excited about it!
So my point... I haven't really applied myself to working the Real Estate business. My floating along time has come to an end, I have some tools I need to use, and we've started an Accountability Group, which - for tomorrow I'm supposed to have my goals written down. So many goals, so little time, right?! Work-related goals. My Why to motivate me toward Real Estate is Independence and Flexibility. Both things are necessary for me to do what I love which is sing.
Singing/Performing is my passion. Why am I not pursuing it?
First ~ a sunrise
The sunrise this morning was at 7:14am ~ it was not a spectacular one, as there was a few mornings ago... but I want to make it a goal of mine to be sure I'm up and outside (if it isn't raining) a few minutes before the sunrise and take a picture, and post it somewhere (here, Facebook, Google+ or Twitter). It is difficult for me to be an early riser, but I am better than I was a few years ago.
I'm reading on my Kindle "The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM)" by Hal Elrod. Before reading this book, I have already read a number of articles along the vein of "what successful people do that most of us don't" from LifeHack or similar all say the same thing - get up early and Pray/Meditate, Exercise, Focus on your Goals, Review your day ahead, etc... I like "Miracle Morning" because it digs a little deeper (not much) into the nuts and bolts of HOW (though there is a lot [a LOT] of 'this is why you will love this book...' and 'when you do the things I'm going to tell you about, you will love...' which drives me crazy. I've bought the book, stop selling it to me!).
One quote I love from the book: "How you do anything is how you do everything."
In my thought process, this is similar to one of Gretchin Rubin's Secrets of Adulthood (from the Happiness Project): "What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE."
How I do what I do today matters... because I will either build on it tomorrow, or have to lay the foundation again. For me, getting up at 5AM means going to sleep before 11PM. My stomach hurts when I don't get enough sleep, and I am so busy doing singing stuff I can't afford to get sick, and without enough sleep, historically I get sick. So, saying "no" to watching the second newer Star Trek (which we started watching at 9:50pm) is where my self-discipline has to kick in.
That being said, one of the strategies is to affirm to myself, before going to sleep, that the amount of sleep I'm going to have is going to be perfect, that I'll have exactly the amount of sleep I need and will feel rested and energized in the morning. When I plant that thought in my brain before going to sleep (instead of counting on my fingers how much sleep I should get, and lamenting that it is never enough, and berating myself for my lack of self-discipline), I do wake up with a kickier step.
I woke up at 5:25 this morning, I didn't snooze - and got up and came in to organize calendars and write goals, do some things on my 'To Do' list. My Real Estate mentor and I have purchased "Passion Planners" and I've been looking at that a little... it is exactly the kind of planner I've been looking for and I'm incredibly excited about it!
So my point... I haven't really applied myself to working the Real Estate business. My floating along time has come to an end, I have some tools I need to use, and we've started an Accountability Group, which - for tomorrow I'm supposed to have my goals written down. So many goals, so little time, right?! Work-related goals. My Why to motivate me toward Real Estate is Independence and Flexibility. Both things are necessary for me to do what I love which is sing.
Singing/Performing is my passion. Why am I not pursuing it?
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