Time

 The official definition of Time according to the Oxford Language (online) dictionary: 

[1] "the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole."

[2] "

a point of time as measured in hours and minutes past midnight or noon."

 

In physics, the definition of time is simple—time is change, or the interval over which change occurs. It is impossible to know that time has passed unless something changes. The amount of time or change is calibrated by comparison with a standard.

Einstein's thoughts: Time seems to follow a universal, ticktock rhythm. But it doesn't. In the Special Theory of Relativity, Einstein determined that time is relative—in other words, the rate at which time passes depends on your frame of reference. 

Six months ago today himself passed away. It was the day before his 59th birthday. I had seen him two days prior, and while his breathing was raspy (yes, I had the thought 'death rattle'), but the hospice nurse put him on oxygen, which she said made him more comfortable. The care home had shut down to visitors because of a stomach flu that was going around the residents, and they were trying to stop the spread of it. I could have pushed to see him, but the hospice nurse told me he was sleeping comfortably.

My point?

I thought I had a little more time. I knew his time was coming to an end... but I still thought I'd be able to wish him a happy birthday. These thoughts make me so sad.

*** 

Recently a friend told me that from recent conversations with me, I seemed to be stuck in my past.

This thought has stuck with me... I think she was correct in some ways. I had been thinking about how few people were left that knew me "before." Before I met and married himself and moved away. Before I was part of a couple. I was thinking that I had buried quite a bit of myself in the marriage for the sake of keeping the peace, or just taking the easy road and not being willing to argue or fight over a lot of things, that in the big scheme of things, were not worth fighting over. 

And to me, those people who knew me "before" are important to keep... if only to help remind me of the best parts of me that are still there, perhaps buried but ready to come forth again... or to help me realize that I've grown and (hopefully) matured. 

But that's not the point of me writing today... 

*** 

I'm writing today because the last six months have been long and hard. But also short. The passage of time has been uneven. I had no frame of reference for the illness and trauma both he and I were experiencing.

Time is relative - in the course of my 57 years, six months is not very much time. But before he passed away, the four months prior had also been long, hard and short; also uneven. As the saying goes, "the days are long but the years are short." Very long days in the hospital and the rehab center led to extremely short weeks.

We had a long time together, relatively... almost 27 years. We had an odd relationship for a married couple, I think. He said it himself one night not that long ago... "we have nothing in common but we make it work." 

My dad once said we had "low expectations" of each other. We didn't ask a lot of each other... himself was quite self-contained (himself's words) and happy if he had a cup of coffee, a computer and a television - and once we had smart phones, happy if he had his phone. He didn't need a lot of people interaction. I was happy I didn't have be home with him; that he didn't mind me going off on singing weekends or two week road trips without him. He could cook for himself and liked what he fixed. I was able to be independent but still able to count on him to keep the "home fires burning" as they say.

I don't want to sound gloomy and morose. I'm keeping my head above water most days. I have activities and pursuits about which I'm passionate, which bring me a lot of joy. I miss himself's sense of humour (yes, spelled with a "u" because he was British, after all, lol). He did make me laugh. 

I remember when my best friend Penny died in 2018... her husband called me that morning just a few minutes after she'd passed away to let me know. I remember feeling like I didn't want to go to sleep that night because then it would be farther away from the last day she'd lived. I wanted time to slow down so that it wouldn't be so long since I'd seen her. 

I believe that her death prepared me for this year. I had never lost someone so close and dear to my heart, who had been such a daily presence and vital energy; whose absence was so keenly felt. I marked anniversaries of how long she'd been gone in my calendar - with purple stars. It was unthinkable that she'd already been gone a month... then 2 months... and then six months...  

Today - after the loss of himself and my mom; some days speed by and some days just crawl by. I couldn't tell you or even guess why some days are so much longer than others. I lost himself when he had the massive stroke in October, truth be told. It'll be almost a year soon, so 6 months after he died doesn't seem as impactful, since I'd essentially been on my own since the stroke. 

I started really losing my mom 3 or 4 years ago - she had good days and better days and horrible days... but she stopped really trying to battle her kidney disease awhile ago, and having any kind of meaningful conversation with her for any length of time had long passed. My grief over her death lingered over 3 or 4 years - and leaving their house after a visit... I'd cry. Sometimes the whole 3-hour drive home, on and off for that 3 hours. 

Still, you think you have a little more time.

A Little Time (Beautiful South) song comes to mind.... 

I've had a little time to find the truth
Now I've had a little room to check what's wrong
I've had a little time, and I still love you
I've had a little

I wish I had some nice, neat way to wrap this writing up... to tie up my thoughts today on time with a nice wee bow. But we all know that life doesn't offer up endings like you see in the movies or tv shows. People, Life and Time are messy. All of them (people, life and time) can be beautiful and each offer up moments we need to pause and admire the beauty and/or the chaos in that moment. We take photographs to help us remember these moments. 

We are all just living the best we can in the time (day) we have... maybe just try to notice when things change.

 

Hydration Day

Today is August 9th, 2025. August 13th will be 6 months since himself passed away. August 15th will be 10 months since he suffered the massive left-brain stroke that changed my (our) life forever. 

I can't stop crying today. 

I can't stem the tide of tears that seem to be breaking down the wall... or rather, breaking through. Breaking through that wall I built to keep my emotions in check when he had his stroke. I had to create the wall because I had to deal with all the stuff. 

The hospital. 
The doctors. 
What they were telling me. 
How did I want to handle this, that and the other. 
What my next move needed to be. 
How was it going to be paid for. 
What was his long-term disability.
Social Security. 
What was it going to look like once he was in Rehab. 
Then what care-home did I have to find and how was I going to do that? 
How much was it going to cost? 
Himself himself... caring for him and trying to understand how much he actually understood and remembered. 

It was a lot. 

a lot.

I had tremendous support from my friends and family. Friends who had lost a spouse. Friends who grieved deeply over lost loved ones gone too soon. But they weren't able to do and be everything for me, with me... all the time. October 15th, 2024. I didn't know what I didn't know... ya know? So I held onto hope until January... when I realized, slowly, that he wasn't able to come back to even half of what/who he had been before. And that he didn't seem interested in even wanting to try. So the wall had to remain up - because there was Power of Attorney documents I needed to put in motion and have signed. Wills. Decisions. 

Again, I wouldn't have done as well as I did without so much love and support. Friends who came over to help me or just sit with me. Family who came to make a start on going through himself's stuff and clearing out clothing and more stuff.

I was a bit like Scarlett O'Hara in that, for much of the business of illness and then dying; I'd "deal with that tomorrow." Well, tomorrow is looming and all this internal chaos of grief, anger, depression, sadness... it's all having to come home internally and be accepted. So all that emotion is coming out in sobs, in body-heaving tears. It's messy. 

I've had days like this in the last 6 months, but today feels different.

I am worried that I'm going to be alone until I die. 

I am worried that I won't find someone who'll love me "as is" like himself did. 

No, it wasn't a perfect marriage, I wanted more emotional fulfillment and I was depressed and frustrated and angry with how we were living our lives in the last 10-15 years of our relationship. But we counted on each other. He was my anchor. We made our lives better/easier for each other because we were partners. I trusted him. 

I am worried that I won't have the courage to leave the shore. To change my life and follow my dream.

Now there's no one but me, when it comes right down to it. And yes, himself left me in a comfortable position - for awhile. There's still so much to consider. Decisions to pray about and "what's next" in my life. There are a lot of days where it is exciting to think that my life can go anywhere - this crossroads is a new beginning. I have the chance to redesign my life. Rediscover myself and reignite passions and goals... realign priorities. 

Introspection. Meditation. Intention. Gratitude. Faith. I'm doing my best and I remember how lucky and blessed I am every day. Because truly, I know I am. I am giving myself grace, I think. I am not pushing myself, not really... but there are tax deadlines looming so I'm going to have to deal with reality, and the price of my procrastination is having a day or two like today, and then moving forward. 

Not a lot of anything is helping today. Today is just a day to drink a lot of water to replace the tears that I cannot stop.