This grief thing is rough. It is a lot. It makes everything so much ... more ... it is so much more difficult to make decisions. I didn't make decisions quickly or even logically sometimes, before... but now...
What should be just 'Simple' is put under a magnifying glass and it isn't so simple anymore... it's just big.
Someone asked me recently not "if" I'm okay, but "how" am I okay. My response is, "what choice do I have? What other options are there?" It's one day at a time, remembering gratitude, reaching out to friends, doing a few daily chores, and repeat. I'm so grateful for those of you who send me messages, texts, memes... thank you .
This post isn't meant to be a pity/poor me post, it's just sharing some of the stuff. How am I filling my days? To be honest, I don't completely know. I get up and get dressed before the guys who are working on my house get here - so that is by 8am. This is a VERY good thing, actually, that there are still workmen coming to my house. I think the timing, even though the house is going slow ...
s l o w . . . I think if I didn't HAVE to get up, I'd be sleeping away the day. As it is, I get up, shower every other day or so ~ get dressed, feed the hound, clean up the yard (pick up doggy doodies), go water my garden and plants, sit outside drinking water and listening to praise music and just don't think or plan or worry... I'm just 'being.'
There's lots of scrolling... some FB, lots of YouTube. Last night I must've watched 2 hours of videos on crocheting. I didn't turn on the tv, just listened and watched people talk about crochet, or demonstrate crochet on my phone.
I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I still have to/ want to/ need to do. Reality things. Not fun things. I'm still closing himself's estate (closing accounts etc...). I closed one credit card at the bank with a banker 2 weeks ago, then received an email yesterday saying it had a balance due (small, but still... I closed it, didn't I?). I called the credit card number, and no, that cc account was still open. But there was no balance due. Okay, so, *whew* but damn, the simple is long gone. I'm doing my best to not be cynical about the hassles of what more has to done and the personnel that I'm going to have to talk to in order to get it done; and to just breathe and do it, but remember that thing I wrote a few lines up... about decisions being so much harder? That goes for actions, too. And even though I know my friends are here for me, and don't mind when I ask for help, I still feel a bit silly asking for help on some of the smaller tasks... the obvious answers I feel I should know.
My friend sent me a lovely book that arrived yesterday, it's called "Tear Soup - A Recipe for Healing After Loss" by Pat Schwiebert & Chuck Deklyen. It's beautiful. And timely.
One page says, "Making tear soup is hard work. Sometimes it was all she could think about. Even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore." (Grandy is the name of the character who is making the tear soup)
I don't have the mental energy to continue the things I know I want to do... I'm just so emotionally exhausted. Anyone who knows me knows I like being 'in charge' and leading things - but that spark has flown for awhile. I'm not giving up. But it is sort of what this feels like...?
I had some friends over for chips and snacks on Monday, and while the time was short, it was so good to just be with other people and not have to "prepare" - just come over and sit outside, bring the chips & guac and lets just chatter about everything and everyone and nothing and no one.
It is just weird. That was himself's word as he was, what I know now that he was having, the strokes before the big massive one; things aren't normal, they're not 'right' - they're just weird.
And Every Thing Feels Like Such a Big Freakin' Deal.
It's been 3-1/2 months since himself passed away on 2/13, and on May 25th it'll be 2 months since mom passed away.
I have 2 lovely new yellow chairs that are nice to sit in. *hint hint* (invite yourself over!) I have plans for my house for the future. I have music to learn for the gospel singing recording weekend that happens Labor Day weekend in Texas and am looking forward to that. I am seeing a chiropractor and my hips feel better; and having laser treatments there, which I believe is helping my shoulder feel better. I still walk like I'm over 90, and everything is 10X harder than it should be... but I sense progress is being made. God is here, and I'm still very much in gratitude; for there is more good in life than there is 'other' ~ ya know? I'm slowly getting back on track with eating the food that helps me feel better, but that sugar addiction and dopamine hits... that is REAL.
I got the red van through emissions! Win!!
I answered questions, online, yesterday about the trial I've been possibly pre-selected to be a juror on that potentially starts 6/2 and is predicted to last 4 days. This is a new thing to me... being questioned by email for a trial. They tell you briefly what the trial is about and then ask if you think you can be fair and impartial. I answered 3 different times on the questionnaire that I think it is an unreasonable question to ask me what I'm going to think and feel about something I've not seen or heard evidence presented on...
I hopefully shared enough personal experience (from knowing family and friends who've experienced what the trial is about) that I won't have to sit on what I'm pretty sure will be a traumatic event. Please pray I won't have to add that to what I'm already going through. I like jury duty, please don't misunderstand; I just don't know how well I'll handle this particular trial.
There is nothing for it but to go through it. And I'm going through it. If you've read all of this... thank you.
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