Random Thoughts

I have been forced to "upgrade" to Windows 11 on my Surface Pro laptop/tablet. I love this little powerhouse, but it's hard drive is starting to fill up... I have attached an external hard drive and that is where all the downloads and pictures that had been saved on this hard drive are now living. Should I just give in and get a new one? Ugh. All these kinds of things for which I depended on himself.

I'm worrying that I really need all the computers (this one, my desktop and himself's out in the shed) looked at and worked on - cleaned up etc. Just add it to my list. How much will it cost? What needs to be done? My desk is a mess. So many thoughts cluttering up my brain.

My television is pulling the same "not enough memory" crap again, and my TV guy is already out of Arizona and then leaving the country until mid-November.

I want to have my friend visit and stay over so we can watch the streaming Sweet Adelines International Contest that will be happening in a couple weeks - so wondering what should I do about the television. I don't know how old this one in the living room is; should I pay $399 for a new one from Costco?

My quartet had a gig on Tuesday night - it went well, but I was so extremely out of breath - and sweating! The room had no air flowing at all... My back is really tight and sore - I had a chair brought up, just in case, and ended up using it twice.

I finally printed the audition song for next year's Praise & Harmony recording session that will be held in Nashville right around the 4th of July. The audition is due November 2nd, I think. I want to start working on that and not wait until the last possible minute.

My friend suggested that we discuss the TRUharmony retreat quartet contest next summer...  I really want to be OUT OF AZ next summer... but want to drive and have Harley-Girl with me in my camper van. She could then have her own space if I have the right kind of power to have AC on if/when I'm not in the van... So there are possible trips next year to look forward to - if I have enough money and am physically able to do it.

I'm having SoftWave Therapy on my right shoulder - I had my 3rd session Wednesday and it was really sore afterward and still sore yesterday - it's a bit better today. I had my regular Chiropractor and laser session today and am feeling slightly less sore... I did get up and *stayed up* at 7:45am this morning - I walked outside to see if I could pick the cucumber(s) that are at the top of the trellis ... nope. But I walked outside, anyway...

I did some hip stretches while I was cooking my greens to eat for breakfast. And Yes! Woot! I had greens and a potato for lunch! Winning!! I had some nuts as an afternoon snack, and snoozed most of the afternoon, trying to watch a podcast about how AI is of the devil.

I had my yard guy come yesterday and he cleaned up the back yard and the Arizona Room... I feel so much better having that done! I asked if he knew anyone that cleaned houses, and this morning I received a text from a gal he has referred me to and she's going to be here in a week - mostly to clean the floors and maybe some other light dusting or whatever - it's really to clean the floors, though. I think having someone coming to clean at least once, maybe twice a month will help me shift some of the stuff I've been procrastinating about. Fingers Crossed!

I was thinking... before I got married I did stretching and crunches before bed... and read before sleep. Those good habits totally were tossed out the window after I got married. Those good habits need to return. I had other good habits that I just let slide because himself didn't live that way. I want to find those self-disciplined routines again. 

The depression is real. The grief shows up so unexpectedly. Some days are strong - right now most days are really weak. I feel aimless, direction-less... nothing to look forward to, no reason to clean my house or my space - not good. I was proud of staying up this morning because I've been sleeping until 10am or often later these past couple of weeks. The weather is changing - getting cooler, which is delightful! Time to start again walking in the morning. I was thinking I was going to move to the back bedroom and have been sleeping on my new bed. But I'm not ready to move. It's going to be the guest room and as soon as I remake my bed (the dog threw up on my bed a couple weeks ago), then I'll go back to the room I've been sleeping in for a few years - just not ready to make more decisions.

As I said... Random Thoughts. 

 

 

Everything Is Making Me Cry

 It's so frustrating.

Any little obstacle or challenge just produces tears... which makes me feel so weak. But in my weakness God is powerful. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christs power may reside in me."

People being nice. People not checking in. People checking in. People asking how I'm doing. It all makes me cry. It's just really hard right now. I posted to Facebook my experience this morning about having to get in to the driver's seat of the van through the passenger door... then that my driver's side window has broken (again). Some nice thoughts and one of my P & H fellow altos and sweet sweet lady sent me a Starbucks card via text... which makes me cry, of course.

Here's the Facebook Post I wrote today (9/29/2025) 

 *see photo* I was able to climb over from the passenger side (miraculously!); but it did take me 40 minutes of breaking down in tears a few times before I even made the attempt... ~Thank God it wasn't too difficult *whew!!*

 

 Then, after going through the Starbucks drive-through, my driver's side window broke. Again. It's permanently down. Himself fixed it 3x before... more tears of frustration 

... I have a call (left a message) in to the service dept at Jim Click service (so close to my house) to see how much they will charge to repair it.

There's now 201+K miles on this 2013 Dodge Town & Country van... I was hoping to not have to buy a new vehicle for another couple of years... so hoping repairing the window isn't going to be stupid expensive.

I've lent out the dodge caravan so if I need to, I still have that option for transportation.

Everything is just overwhelming, and honestly, I'm not coping very well lately. My brain and thoughts are muddled and scattered. I'm crying over the tiniest problems... I feel stuck... it's been almost a year since himself's stroke... the weirdness of time makes it seem like such a long time ago and yet not that distant. #GriefSucks

#JustTryingToMakeItThroughTheDay

— feeling drained. 

I do believe that this season of my life is part of God's plan to "encourage" me to LET GO and TRUST Him. To really have faith that He WILL take care of all my needs. That He's GOT me. When I say "encourage" I mean "force me into such pain that I'll have to move." Because, pain is what forces us to move... most of us, at least. Pain, either physical, spiritual, mental and/or emotional - the pain is what forces us to take action to reduce the pain.

Time

 The official definition of Time according to the Oxford Language (online) dictionary: 

[1] "the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole."

[2] "

a point of time as measured in hours and minutes past midnight or noon."

 

In physics, the definition of time is simple—time is change, or the interval over which change occurs. It is impossible to know that time has passed unless something changes. The amount of time or change is calibrated by comparison with a standard.

Einstein's thoughts: Time seems to follow a universal, ticktock rhythm. But it doesn't. In the Special Theory of Relativity, Einstein determined that time is relative—in other words, the rate at which time passes depends on your frame of reference. 

Six months ago today himself passed away. It was the day before his 59th birthday. I had seen him two days prior, and while his breathing was raspy (yes, I had the thought 'death rattle'), but the hospice nurse put him on oxygen, which she said made him more comfortable. The care home had shut down to visitors because of a stomach flu that was going around the residents, and they were trying to stop the spread of it. I could have pushed to see him, but the hospice nurse told me he was sleeping comfortably.

My point?

I thought I had a little more time. I knew his time was coming to an end... but I still thought I'd be able to wish him a happy birthday. These thoughts make me so sad.

*** 

Recently a friend told me that from recent conversations with me, I seemed to be stuck in my past.

This thought has stuck with me... I think she was correct in some ways. I had been thinking about how few people were left that knew me "before." Before I met and married himself and moved away. Before I was part of a couple. I was thinking that I had buried quite a bit of myself in the marriage for the sake of keeping the peace, or just taking the easy road and not being willing to argue or fight over a lot of things, that in the big scheme of things, were not worth fighting over. 

And to me, those people who knew me "before" are important to keep... if only to help remind me of the best parts of me that are still there, perhaps buried but ready to come forth again... or to help me realize that I've grown and (hopefully) matured. 

But that's not the point of me writing today... 

*** 

I'm writing today because the last six months have been long and hard. But also short. The passage of time has been uneven. I had no frame of reference for the illness and trauma both he and I were experiencing.

Time is relative - in the course of my 57 years, six months is not very much time. But before he passed away, the four months prior had also been long, hard and short; also uneven. As the saying goes, "the days are long but the years are short." Very long days in the hospital and the rehab center led to extremely short weeks.

We had a long time together, relatively... almost 27 years. We had an odd relationship for a married couple, I think. He said it himself one night not that long ago... "we have nothing in common but we make it work." 

My dad once said we had "low expectations" of each other. We didn't ask a lot of each other... himself was quite self-contained (himself's words) and happy if he had a cup of coffee, a computer and a television - and once we had smart phones, happy if he had his phone. He didn't need a lot of people interaction. I was happy I didn't have be home with him; that he didn't mind me going off on singing weekends or two week road trips without him. He could cook for himself and liked what he fixed. I was able to be independent but still able to count on him to keep the "home fires burning" as they say.

I don't want to sound gloomy and morose. I'm keeping my head above water most days. I have activities and pursuits about which I'm passionate, which bring me a lot of joy. I miss himself's sense of humour (yes, spelled with a "u" because he was British, after all, lol). He did make me laugh. 

I remember when my best friend Penny died in 2018... her husband called me that morning just a few minutes after she'd passed away to let me know. I remember feeling like I didn't want to go to sleep that night because then it would be farther away from the last day she'd lived. I wanted time to slow down so that it wouldn't be so long since I'd seen her. 

I believe that her death prepared me for this year. I had never lost someone so close and dear to my heart, who had been such a daily presence and vital energy; whose absence was so keenly felt. I marked anniversaries of how long she'd been gone in my calendar - with purple stars. It was unthinkable that she'd already been gone a month... then 2 months... and then six months...  

Today - after the loss of himself and my mom; some days speed by and some days just crawl by. I couldn't tell you or even guess why some days are so much longer than others. I lost himself when he had the massive stroke in October, truth be told. It'll be almost a year soon, so 6 months after he died doesn't seem as impactful, since I'd essentially been on my own since the stroke. 

I started really losing my mom 3 or 4 years ago - she had good days and better days and horrible days... but she stopped really trying to battle her kidney disease awhile ago, and having any kind of meaningful conversation with her for any length of time had long passed. My grief over her death lingered over 3 or 4 years - and leaving their house after a visit... I'd cry. Sometimes the whole 3-hour drive home, on and off for that 3 hours. 

Still, you think you have a little more time.

A Little Time (Beautiful South) song comes to mind.... 

I've had a little time to find the truth
Now I've had a little room to check what's wrong
I've had a little time, and I still love you
I've had a little

I wish I had some nice, neat way to wrap this writing up... to tie up my thoughts today on time with a nice wee bow. But we all know that life doesn't offer up endings like you see in the movies or tv shows. People, Life and Time are messy. All of them (people, life and time) can be beautiful and each offer up moments we need to pause and admire the beauty and/or the chaos in that moment. We take photographs to help us remember these moments. 

We are all just living the best we can in the time (day) we have... maybe just try to notice when things change.

 

Hydration Day

Today is August 9th, 2025. August 13th will be 6 months since himself passed away. August 15th will be 10 months since he suffered the massive left-brain stroke that changed my (our) life forever. 

I can't stop crying today. 

I can't stem the tide of tears that seem to be breaking down the wall... or rather, breaking through. Breaking through that wall I built to keep my emotions in check when he had his stroke. I had to create the wall because I had to deal with all the stuff. 

The hospital. 
The doctors. 
What they were telling me. 
How did I want to handle this, that and the other. 
What my next move needed to be. 
How was it going to be paid for. 
What was his long-term disability.
Social Security. 
What was it going to look like once he was in Rehab. 
Then what care-home did I have to find and how was I going to do that? 
How much was it going to cost? 
Himself himself... caring for him and trying to understand how much he actually understood and remembered. 

It was a lot. 

a lot.

I had tremendous support from my friends and family. Friends who had lost a spouse. Friends who grieved deeply over lost loved ones gone too soon. But they weren't able to do and be everything for me, with me... all the time. October 15th, 2024. I didn't know what I didn't know... ya know? So I held onto hope until January... when I realized, slowly, that he wasn't able to come back to even half of what/who he had been before. And that he didn't seem interested in even wanting to try. So the wall had to remain up - because there was Power of Attorney documents I needed to put in motion and have signed. Wills. Decisions. 

Again, I wouldn't have done as well as I did without so much love and support. Friends who came over to help me or just sit with me. Family who came to make a start on going through himself's stuff and clearing out clothing and more stuff.

I was a bit like Scarlett O'Hara in that, for much of the business of illness and then dying; I'd "deal with that tomorrow." Well, tomorrow is looming and all this internal chaos of grief, anger, depression, sadness... it's all having to come home internally and be accepted. So all that emotion is coming out in sobs, in body-heaving tears. It's messy. 

I've had days like this in the last 6 months, but today feels different.

I am worried that I'm going to be alone until I die. 

I am worried that I won't find someone who'll love me "as is" like himself did. 

No, it wasn't a perfect marriage, I wanted more emotional fulfillment and I was depressed and frustrated and angry with how we were living our lives in the last 10-15 years of our relationship. But we counted on each other. He was my anchor. We made our lives better/easier for each other because we were partners. I trusted him. 

I am worried that I won't have the courage to leave the shore. To change my life and follow my dream.

Now there's no one but me, when it comes right down to it. And yes, himself left me in a comfortable position - for awhile. There's still so much to consider. Decisions to pray about and "what's next" in my life. There are a lot of days where it is exciting to think that my life can go anywhere - this crossroads is a new beginning. I have the chance to redesign my life. Rediscover myself and reignite passions and goals... realign priorities. 

Introspection. Meditation. Intention. Gratitude. Faith. I'm doing my best and I remember how lucky and blessed I am every day. Because truly, I know I am. I am giving myself grace, I think. I am not pushing myself, not really... but there are tax deadlines looming so I'm going to have to deal with reality, and the price of my procrastination is having a day or two like today, and then moving forward. 

Not a lot of anything is helping today. Today is just a day to drink a lot of water to replace the tears that I cannot stop.  

Digital Minimalism & Eventually

I've heard of unsubbing from all your social media (Jaron Lanier), but I had not heard of "Digital Minimalism" as a phrase I hadn't heard until I watched a review on YouTube of "The Every" by Dave Eggers. 

Jaron's book "The 10 Reasons to Quit Social Media" was a book I bought after watching "The Social Dilemma" on Netflix awhile ago. I have downloaded my Facebook page a couple of times, thinking I'll be discontinuing FB eventually... only eventually hasn't arrived yet. The addiction is strong! I'm starting to unfollow/unfriend people I don't know IRL (In Real Life) or who are in the Real Estate sphere when I see birthdays of people whom I don't know and no idea why they are on my friends list; keeping my unknown Sweet Adeline friends because I think I may return to SAI eventually.

The thing is... if I want to be a snowbird nomad for half of my year, having an internet presence is important, I think... if only for myself to log my adventures and for my friends and family to have a place to "catch up" with me wherever I may be. This blog and a YouTube channel are how I see that happening... eventually.

Eventually.

Each day is moving me closer to the end... ya know? At age 57, I'm entering into the third act of my life. As Eleanor Roosevelt is attributed to have said so eloquently, "Today is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be again." 

As Professor Harold Hill in "The Music Man" says, "You pile up enough tomorrows, and you'll find you've collected a lot of empty yesterdays."

It brings me back to goals. 

I'm at a unique crossroads to redesign my life. It's exciting. It's scary. It's overwhelming. My number one priority HAS to be my health! But my daily actions do not show that priority. *sigh*

What do I want my life to look like in the Third Act? I want connection with my family & friends. I want vitality, energy and beauty in my every day existence. I want singing, performing and harmony in my every day existence. I want simplicity, ease & a bit of minimalism... "Less Is More" mindset.

To Be Continued. 

A Mess of thoughts (written on June 17, 2025)

Tenuous Peace.

That's what I'm feeling intermittently. 

Two weeks ago I started walking. VERY short walks in the mornings - 10 minutes only at the moment because my back hurts. I'm so incredibly physically uncomfortable right now and pretty much it seems all my life I've taken many many easy paths to stay comfortable. Wrong Choice. Use it or Lose it. Comfort has not led to growth. So many ways I took the easy road. At age 57 I'm paying for it now, and it seems like it's all at once. Oh well. That's being a grown up, right? #Adulting

I say that to say this: it is almost unimaginable for me to visualize/see how I'll get back to walking a mile (and more) pain-free. I understand cognitively, of course; that consistency and persistence will overcome anything. Give it time. Patience, grasshopper.

I am taking things one day at a time. But I also want to plan for the future. Plan for A future. Having goals is part of what keeps me going. 

Bill Gates said,

“Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in
ten years.”

I have the same challenge when it comes to knowing what I want to commit to.

I am continuing to realize again and again that I struggle with commitment when it comes to goals. To stick to one plan, one road, one goal, one priority. I wander off to see what that road over there leads to... what if I miss something really cool by not taking this turn? Focus, or rather, a lack of focus, has been a theme in my life for a very long time. Fear is leading those decisions. FOMO... do I really have that? Fear of Missing out? I'm not afraid of missing out on trends or fashions, nothing like that - just fear of missing something that might teach me something new, or benefit me in a personal-growth kind of way, I think.

Control is another topic I need to investigate. In myself. In my world. I know intellectually that the only control I have is over myself - my reactions, my responses, my actions. Yet I keep trying to control (manipulate?) outcomes. 

*sigh* 

Part of feeling peace all the time is trusting God, Higher Power for some others... that there is a plan for my life. A plan so cool and amazing that I cannot imagine it. Like how I can't imagine how much better I'll be walking and physically feeling in a few weeks, even. My dreams aren't that big. That makes me sad. Setting goals at Real Estate conferences always would stump me - my imagination never would come through to help me set "Big Goals."

Maybe that's the new prayer - help me see how big my world can be. To be limitless. To stop putting the breaks on...? I dunno if that's the prayer, but I'm thinking I'm going to add it in. To think more expansively about what I want, what kind of life I want to live and who I am in it.

Anyway - it's hard to process self-growth when one's brain is full of "other."  

My brain is currently a jumble. I have often described my life as a roller coaster of emotions - climb slowly to a peak, then fall quickly, screaming a little then going into the upside loop-de-loops. Then start again. It's an adventure, but there's a lot of life you cannot action when you're stuck on the roller coaster. Keeping to a simple task/list of things I'd like to accomplish in a day - let alone the week or month...? If I don't get off the roller coaster things don't get done. 

 

Happy What-Would-Have-Been-Our 27th Anniversary

 

On this Summer Solstice Day - June 20th, 2025 - himself and I would have "officially" celebrated our 27th Wedding anniversary. And when I say celebrate... I mean we would have said, "Happy Anniversary" - maybe, lol. Maybe we would have ordered a pizza as a treat, and I would have gone out to get DQ Blizzards...

It's been 4 months since he passed away. The 'surreal' part that occurs when someone dies is over, the closing of his accounts and estate have begun and there's still paperwork to be filed and filled in and sent in. I filed an extension for taxes and have a tax appointment at the end of July to prepare for what kind of medical records from last year I'll need to supply for taxes - and his work stuff and benefits. I think I have the paperwork needed in a place I can find easily... (*fingers crossed!*) The "business of dying" hasn't been overly complicated, to be honest. I've had a couple of key friends who've helped me with keeping it simple (Thank God). It isn't over, and hopefully I'm not speaking too soon!

Of all the things about grieving his loss...The realization of "alone-ness" is the aspect of my new normal that will sometimes bring on the tears. But there is a lot less of that just in the last month... There's no one to help get the tall stuff off the shelf, or remember where we put the whatchamacallit... no one to call if I'm stuck somewhere. No one who will automatically pick me up from the airport, or vice versa. He was excellent at taking my side of things in work situations when all I could do was think of all the things I'd done or said wrong - he could justify and be logical when I needed it most. He listened when I had to vent about the situation with my mom in Cave Creek... he was glad he was out of it, but he listened and commiserated with me.

Himself and I had really nothing in common, but as he said once, "we make it work." He kept me laughing, which is probably one of the biggest reasons I could cope with the tough times.

He helped me grow and become an adult. Even though we both lived like grown children... He taught me that he wasn't responsible for my happiness, and if I didn't like something, I needed to change it. There were many, many hills I refused to "die on" as far as disagreements or arguments, so I buried a lot of myself in order to keep the peace. He loved me the best way he knew how, and I love him for that.

As this new chapter of "Carrie" begins, I will carry with me the love he had for me, the many many great memories we shared together, and the lessons he helped me learn along the way. Thank you, B, for keeping me safe, loved, protected and provided for in this next chapter. I loved you the best way I knew how, too.

Outgrowing Ourselves

Change is a process. Slowly. Over Time. Patience, Carrie. Give yourself some grace and credit. And Time. I didn't get to where I am, who I am, overnight. Celebrate my small wins.

We are the sum of our experiences, and our daily experience creates subtle changes, right? Hopefully? Do we notice how we've grown? Or even that we are in a constant state of growth? Do we give ourselves credit for our growth? Or are the changes we're making in our lives too subtle? Or are we (foolishly) thinking we're growing into a more evolved (better?) human being? Are we fooling ourselves? What does it mean when we keep saying the same thing... setting the same goal(s) but haven't made any progress toward what we've stated we wanted? 

I've just spent a couple hours re-reading some of my previous blog posts and am dismayed by how many times I've reset the goal of writing 1,000 words a day! Crap!

I love the idea that for every "Yes" you say to something you're saying "No" to something else. 

Knowing what kind of life we want to have is critical to setting those boundaries and making those choices. Besides activities and what we are choosing to do is the question of personalities and people: Who do we want to spend our time with? Who do we want to give energy to? Saying "Yes" to this person may mean saying "No" to another. 

Jim Rohn said that "we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with." I wrote that down on October 1st last year... I also wrote down my current 5 at that time, and am I content with those 5? Honestly, it made me want to widen my circle! 

And as we get older our memory gets worse. We have to remind ourselves what our priority is. What we ultimately are working toward. Plus... we change so our goals change. Something I came across today that resonated with me was this (author unknown):

"Positive Mind and Happy Heart"

I've learned not to hold people hostage to who they used to be. We all carry versions of ourselves that no longer fit-the mistakes we made, the things we didn't know, the pain we caused when we didn't yet understand our own. 

The truth is, people outgrow their old skin. They stumble, they learn, and if life allows, they try to do better. We all have chapters we wish we could rewrite. That doesn't mean we haven't earned the right to start a new one.

Growth isn't always loud or dramatic - it's often quiet, steady, un-glamorous. But it's real. 

No one should be permanently defined by a version of themselves they've already outgrown. We're all in motion, figuring things out, trying again. And if we can give that grace to ourselves, we should be willing to offer it to others, too."

I'm not sure I have a point. 

I do know that right now, in trying to figure out who I am by myself, is a new, kinda exciting and freeing place to be. I have an opportunity to redefine my future, to choose a new road and truly explore who I am and what I want. I don't know that I am all that different from who I was when I got married in 1998 - I sure hope so! 

I don't want to make the same mistakes. I know I have internalized Agreement #2 of "The Four Agreements" ~ "Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves..." I no longer believe I am responsible for other people's feelings. I used to believe I was. That I could have said or done something that would have protected someone's feelings or avoided some kind of pain (yes, it's a bit controlling, perhaps, but while I still have the tendency to want to ensure details are taken care of, I'm a lot less "mom" than I used to be).

* * * 

It's game 5 of the NBA finals right now - Indiana Pacers v OKC Thunder. I'm rooting for the Thunder because it's a relatively new team, Oklahoma City hadn't had an NBA franchise, and the whole city was so excited and so behind the team... I remember visiting my family in OK and caught the fever. It looks like game 5 is going to OKC (YAY!!). I like basketball - I prefer watching the University of Arizona BasketCats (Heart Attack Cats!) and college ball in general, but this Final has been a good watch! 

Thoughts on Grief

This grief thing is rough. It is a lot. It makes everything so much ... more ... it is so much more difficult to make decisions. I didn't make decisions quickly or even logically sometimes, before... but now...

What should be just 'Simple' is put under a magnifying glass and it isn't so simple anymore... it's just big.

Someone asked me recently not "if" I'm okay, but "how" am I okay. My response is, "what choice do I have? What other options are there?" It's one day at a time, remembering gratitude, reaching out to friends, doing a few daily chores, and repeat. I'm so grateful for those of you who send me messages, texts, memes... thank you .

This post isn't meant to be a pity/poor me post, it's just sharing some of the stuff. How am I filling my days? To be honest, I don't completely know. I get up and get dressed before the guys who are working on my house get here - so that is by 8am. This is a VERY good thing, actually, that there are still workmen coming to my house. I think the timing, even though the house is going slow ...
s l o w . . . I think if I didn't HAVE to get up, I'd be sleeping away the day. As it is, I get up, shower every other day or so ~ get dressed, feed the hound, clean up the yard (pick up doggy doodies), go water my garden and plants, sit outside drinking water and listening to praise music and just don't think or plan or worry... I'm just 'being.'

There's lots of scrolling... some FB, lots of YouTube. Last night I must've watched 2 hours of videos on crocheting. I didn't turn on the tv, just listened and watched people talk about crochet, or demonstrate crochet on my phone.

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of things I still have to/ want to/ need to do. Reality things. Not fun things. I'm still closing himself's estate (closing accounts etc...). I closed one credit card at the bank with a banker 2 weeks ago, then received an email yesterday saying it had a balance due (small, but still... I closed it, didn't I?). I called the credit card number, and no, that cc account was still open. But there was no balance due. Okay, so, *whew* but damn, the simple is long gone. I'm doing my best to not be cynical about the hassles of what more has to done and the personnel that I'm going to have to talk to in order to get it done; and to just breathe and do it, but remember that thing I wrote a few lines up... about decisions being so much harder? That goes for actions, too. And even though I know my friends are here for me, and don't mind when I ask for help, I still feel a bit silly asking for help on some of the smaller tasks... the obvious answers I feel I should know.

My friend sent me a lovely book that arrived yesterday, it's called "Tear Soup - A Recipe for Healing After Loss" by Pat Schwiebert & Chuck Deklyen. It's beautiful. And timely.

One page says, "Making tear soup is hard work. Sometimes it was all she could think about. Even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore." (Grandy is the name of the character who is making the tear soup)

I don't have the mental energy to continue the things I know I want to do... I'm just so emotionally exhausted. Anyone who knows me knows I like being 'in charge' and leading things - but that spark has flown for awhile. I'm not giving up. But it is sort of what this feels like...?

I had some friends over for chips and snacks on Monday, and while the time was short, it was so good to just be with other people and not have to "prepare" - just come over and sit outside, bring the chips & guac and lets just chatter about everything and everyone and nothing and no one.

It is just weird. That was himself's word as he was, what I know now that he was having, the strokes before the big massive one; things aren't normal, they're not 'right' - they're just weird.

And Every Thing Feels Like Such a Big Freakin' Deal.

It's been 3-1/2 months since himself passed away on 2/13, and on May 25th it'll be 2 months since mom passed away.

I have 2 lovely new yellow chairs that are nice to sit in. *hint hint* (invite yourself over!) I have plans for my house for the future. I have music to learn for the gospel singing recording weekend that happens Labor Day weekend in Texas and am looking forward to that. I am seeing a chiropractor and my hips feel better; and having laser treatments there, which I believe is helping my shoulder feel better. I still walk like I'm over 90, and everything is 10X harder than it should be... but I sense progress is being made. God is here, and I'm still very much in gratitude; for there is more good in life than there is 'other' ~ ya know? I'm slowly getting back on track with eating the food that helps me feel better, but that sugar addiction and dopamine hits... that is REAL.

I got the red van through emissions! Win!!

I answered questions, online, yesterday about the trial I've been possibly pre-selected to be a juror on that potentially starts 6/2 and is predicted to last 4 days. This is a new thing to me... being questioned by email for a trial. They tell you briefly what the trial is about and then ask if you think you can be fair and impartial. I answered 3 different times on the questionnaire that I think it is an unreasonable question to ask me what I'm going to think and feel about something I've not seen or heard evidence presented on...

I hopefully shared enough personal experience (from knowing family and friends who've experienced what the trial is about) that I won't have to sit on what I'm pretty sure will be a traumatic event. Please pray I won't have to add that to what I'm already going through. I like jury duty, please don't misunderstand; I just don't know how well I'll handle this particular trial.

There is nothing for it but to go through it. And I'm going through it. If you've read all of this... thank you.  

Remembering Mom (1 of ?)

Mother's Day 2025 is over. Norma June Wade Young Mahaffey passed away on March 25th, 2025 and I haven't written anything yet to remember or honor her. I started an obituary but the site platform didn't save what I had written and with everything else going on I didn't have the 'oomph' to start over again.

This isn't an obituary. These aren't 'just the highlight' of a great life. She had a great life, She had some amazing experiences and a full life. These are just some random, maybe painful, thoughts about my mom. I love her so much. I lost her years ago, so my grief on her death has a softer edge than if she had died suddenly with all her faculties.

I read This Blog Post and have been inspired to write about her. *This will be a work in progress over a few posts. Her life allowed me to be here, and like all of us, there's substance to who she was and how she impacted my life and so many others.*

She was born in June of 1939 - the second youngest of 6 children. There was a younger brother born after her little brother John, but Stevie was adopted out and I understand my grandma 'kept tabs on him' and that he died quite young. Heart trouble, apparently; which runs in the family. My maternal grandfather Chauncey "Slim" Wade died at age 55 from heart issues.  Her dad left when she was in the second grade. She also said that her dad had a terrible temper and she witnessed her dad beating her mom, Grandma "Jan" or "Jenny" and sometimes, more fittingly as I remember her, "Tense" Smith. Grandma (Smith) Wade was the oldest of 10 children, 9 girls and 1 brother, Herman. 

This is important because mom cherished "Uncle Herm" who lived in, what we called back then, a mobile home park in Hemet, California with his second wife, Barbara. I don't believe uncle Herm had any children. After he passed away, Aunt Barb gave me a beautiful set of silver that he had picked up while overseas during WWII. Uncle Herm was a pastry chef, a wonderful cook and had so many stories! My memories of him are few, but extremely fond, and Aunt Barb was a bit of a kook, she had an odd son, whom I met only once, I think. She had definite "proper" and "unproper" ideas about how things should be done... but she also had a generous heart of gold and she noticed who people were. She's the one who gave me two beautiful floral music pictures painted on wood that are unusual and I love them and they still hang on my walls! For my 21st birthday they gave me a ukulele - purchased from an antique store that I didn't appreciate thoroughly at the time, I'm afraid. They both loved having us visit, and there was always beautiful table cloths, fine linens and china teacups and saucers. And I remember they had a "Love is.... " cartoon on their refrigerator. I wish I could remember what it said, but for some reason it was significant and I love that I remember that detail. I think it is memories of visiting them and my other great aunts and uncles in manufactured home parks that made me want to live in a manufactured home. Mom made a special effort to visit them, and she passed on to me by example that making an effort for people you love is important.

But, I digress... 

Mom started working at age 15 and didn't stop working until 2000-something. She graduated high school in 1957 (she always enjoyed the Statler Brother's song, "Class of '57") and I am a little ashamed to admit I didn't keep very close track of years and dates... not like mom did! I am proud to say that I have become a "People Collector" as she was ~ a term my dad came up with to describe the myriad of friends my mom had (and stayed in touch with) throughout most of her life. Her lifetime, longtime good friends filled in for the family she wanted but never seemed fulfilled by.

Working is a theme for mom. A strong, highly-moral and ethical person; not to mention a woman of extremely high integrity coupled with the mindset of "it's not over until the project is complete and correct" type of worker, she annoyed a lot of people as values in the workplace started changing in the 1980s.

Mom always talked about being poor. The house she grew up in was small, and dingy (as she described it), but it was clean! She loved cleaning house! She took good care of the things she had, because she didn't have many things growing up. Dusting the almost-all wood furniture that graced our home with Old English furniture polish and vacuuming were often my Saturday chores. I remember one Saturday as I was polishing the dining room table and chairs and really hating it, she said something like, "Don't you love what a clean house smells like?" I think I rolled my teenage eyes. To this day I wouldn't say I enjoy cleaning as an activity, but of course I do like having things clean... and my problem is often I'll get in and clean with the toothbrush and cotton swab for 45 minutes... and miss the big picture clean for that 3-inches of gunk being cleaned out of the whatchamacallit in the corner. (lol!)

Mom had no filter. Sometimes the things that would come out of her mouth (!) I've told my favorite story about this so many times... I don't know if I've blogged it yet, but it will find its way in this post...

Mom stunted my growth by constantly "saving" me. 

Mom loved having people over - setting a beautiful table, having friends come for Thanksgiving or Christmas. She loved my friends, and my friends remember her with so much affection. She was nosy and interested... I often would say that she could find out more about my friend(s) in 3 minutes that I would know about them after knowing them 2 years, lol! She asked a lot of questions. LOTS of questions and that was embarrassing to me. I let her know, and she told me that asking questions is a sign of interest in something. She wasn't wrong, but it didn't stop my embarrassment at the time.

Mom gave me terrible advice when I didn't know what to get my friend for her birthday. I think we were 7... maybe 8, maybe 9 years old. We were walking through the store and when I kept saying, "I don't know..." she told me that I should get my friend something *I* would want. Well, maybe as an kid that works for your peers; but she often gave me gifts that she would want/appreciate ~ that were not my taste, or a hobby or collection that I enjoyed.

Mom was a terrible teacher. Almost anytime she tried to teach me something she'd get frustrated and I'd end up hating whatever it was. The thing that comes to mind first is Quicken... she was one of those 'born organized' women who bore a creative child and she didn't know how to creatively teach me. That isn't a judgement as much as it is a realization that she wasn't capable of thinking too far outside of the box.

Mom had a knack for always creating a homey, welcoming place wherever she was living. She was a 'nester' - she had an easy home, a peaceful environment that made sense and was comfortable.

She wasn't empathetic - she was sympathetic and generous with her time, money and other resources. She took people in when they needed a place to stay, often. But she really struggled understanding how people ended up in the lifestyles they ended up living in - she couldn't put herself in someone else's shoes, not really. She loved her friends, even those whose lifestyles she couldn't understand... but she wasn't able to keep her mouth shut or her opinions to herself for the way they lived their life if she thought it was wrong or "bad."  She struggled loving people 'where they were' or for who they are. Her old tapes of "right and wrong" and not being raised in a church tribe full of grace all contributed to this, and I know it made her very sad. And what made me so sad for her was that I think she truly didn't understand, on an internal or at a core level, what the problem was. I know these friends that discontinued relationships with her still loved her deeply, but sometimes you have to eject from your life the people who keep hurting you, even when you love each other.

Mom was my biggest fan. She told me early that I needed to make sure I always had music in my life. It took a couple people outside of us to open her eyes to the fact that I had some talent, but she was always encouraging me to do it. She wasn't a stage mom - she didn't push. I wonder what would have happened had she pushed me just a little bit. We were opposites in every way, really. She was born thin and naturally skinny despite her four food groups being cheese, chocolate, nuts and popcorn; while I was chunky and 'big boned' from the beginning and thought I was fat from age 8 on (not her doing, by the way) and preferred to sit and read and/or craft rather than be outside doing something active.

 There's so much more - and things to fill in, but that's it for today.